Thought processes of the MM

[Scarlet2]

Last year, before we started the affair, it felt like he was avoiding me and that was the first time he ever did that. I was so confused and anxious because I didn't know why or what I could have done to warrant it, I felt like I was losing his friendship. Eventually when I ran into him, I confronted him about it but he didn't really give an explanation but he straightened up, things went back to the way they were before I started feeling the panic.

 

A few months after that is when he propositioned me so I'm thinking his avoidance was fighting his feelings for me and maybe that's what is happening again now. So if he is having a difficult time with what he feels about me and what he feels about his W, what am I supposed to do? Continue reaching out like nothing is wrong? Leave him alone until he contacts me first?

 

If I assume he's not coming back, what do I say if he does come back? Tell him how his absence made me feel and what I won't tolerate?

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

No one can tell you the right action. Just know that whatever action you take was the best you could think of at the time. These affairs are maddening and heartbreaking. To have appropriate reaction is a lot to ask of someone IMO.

 

You could stay quiet and preserve your dignity, maybe never have answers or possibly give him the time he needs to sort his mind out and maybe coming back and telling you what he thinks after a painful, drawn out wondering.

 

Or you can contact him and either piss him off because you aren't giving space and then he is definitely gone OR perhaps it will open the conversation to get some clarity, talk through whatever it is that he is going through and things are healed temporarily. In either case the bandaid is pulled off more quickly.

 

No one knows how contact or no contact will result. Although one thing that does hold true is that he does have your number and isn't trying to get in touch with you.

 

And in the end does any of this matter? Let's say you get answers you are back with him, then you are back on this roller coaster ride all over agin.

 

Is any if this worth it?

[Tullyseptember]

Scarlet, the pain you are causing yourself has my heart aching for you. This person is not your best friend. Not talking at all for any reason never mind the vagness you were given just leaves you hanging. It doesn't take much to make a quick call/send an email or text. This person is keeping you as option. Make yourself a priority in your life. I understand easier said than done, try though to see this without the affair glaze. No true friend would treat their best friend this way, expecting you to wait for whatever length of time till they sort their issues out. A friend is who you reach out to in a time of need and you two are not true friends now that the boundary line was crossed. Find another best friend, take care of you and don't put yourself in this type of situation and allow yourself to be treated poorly. You matter, remember this:)

[chelsea2011]

Scarlet, the pain you are causing yourself has my heart aching for you. This person is not your best friend. Not talking at all for any reason never mind the vagness you were given just leaves you hanging. It doesn't take much to make a quick call/send an email or text. This person is keeping you as option. Make yourself a priority in your life. I understand easier said than done, try though to see this without the affair glaze. No true friend would treat their best friend this way, expecting you to wait for whatever length of time till they sort their issues out. A friend is who you reach out to in a time of need and you two are not true friends now that the boundary line was crossed. Find another best friend, take care of you and don't put yourself in this type of situation and allow yourself to be treated poorly. You matter, remember this:)

 

This a 1,000 times. Please take care of yourself. Whatever his reasons are it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is YOU right now and DON'T forget that. You are a human being with feelings and a heart and you need to remember that no matter what drivel he throws your way.

[Scarlet2]

I managed to see my MM for five minutes again. He looked worn out and like he didn't want to talk but I asked if everything is okay. He said yeah but then he realized what I was really asking and he said everything is lining up perfectly. I couldn't ask what that meant because the walls have ears where we were but I assume behind the scene stuff is going on that I don't get to be privy to.

 

Obviously I hope it means he's working on an exit strategy but seeing as he hasn't said anything to me about the current state of his marriage, I can only assume he's only working on spending more time with me as he promised.

 

He also told me a little more about what has been monopolizing his time. One of his kids temporarily moved back because their spouse is deployed and he can't exactly say 'I'm not going to the store with you today because I have to spend time with my AP'. So the waiting continues. He said he'd understand if I didn't want to wait, but I know he knows I will.

 

It's funny how he keeps saying I'm going to give him a heart attack whenever we're together but he's going to give me one if I don't control my anxiety better. And the communication is going to get even more sparse because my job just said we can't have our phones at our desks anymore which means I can't text during the day which is the only time I can reach him. I wonder if the lack of texts are going to make him feel the same way I feel when he doesn't text me.

 

His 23 year wedding anniversary is coming up. He hasn't mentioned it to me like in years past. That's considerate, I suppose. Last year he said he was surprised he even made it to 22. His dad is on marriage #3, his mom has had several too, but his wife's parents are still on their first marriage so that's what makes me think he won't get divorced.

[SoleMate]

This "relationship" sounds like torture.

 

What's the point of it again?

[Scarlet2]

I know. It's like I get amnesia. When I'm with him, all the pain goes away like it never existed. I'm going to torture myself either way if I stay or not because I'll be wondering what would have happened if I had stayed versus the pain of staying and it ending badly. It's like reading a book but never finishing it. You think you know the ending but you don't really know until you read the whole thing. There could be a plot twist.

 

Maybe I need to learn to compartmentalize like he does.

[Scarlet2]

It's bad enough that I have LC with my MM as it is, but now he just told me I shouldn't text him anymore because his phone broke and when it got back to working, some of my messages went through and he said he almost got caught and he was nervous all weekend. My messages from that time frame didn't have anything to do about the A but I guess he's having a guilty conscious and that's why he's pulling away?

 

I asked to see him so that we could talk about what happened but he said in a few days, which I assume he'll cancel anyway, but I should have been more assertive and said "no, now."

 

Why would a MM be so afraid of getting caught when there really isn't any evidence of us being in an A and also when everyone says the majority of the time the BS always takes back the WS anyway?

 

I really don't see how it's going to work now if I can't text him and not know when he's coming over.

 

If you are a MM, what am I supposed to do so that he doesn't feel guilt anymore? Do I do as he wishes and not communicate with him until he reaches out to me first? Or do I end the A for him since he obviously won't?

[whatatangledweb]

It's bad enough that I have LC with my MM as it is, but now he just told me I shouldn't text him anymore because his phone broke and when it got back to working, some of my messages went through and he said he almost got caught and he was nervous all weekend. My messages from that time frame didn't have anything to do about the A but I guess he's having a guilty conscious and that's why he's pulling away?

 

I asked to see him so that we could talk about what happened but he said in a few days, which I assume he'll cancel anyway, but I should have been more assertive and said "no, now."

 

Why would a MM be so afraid of getting caught when there really isn't any evidence of us being in an A and also when everyone says the majority of the time the BS always takes back the WS anyway?

 

I really don't see how it's going to work now if I can't text him and not know when he's coming over.

 

If you are a MM, what am I supposed to do so that he doesn't feel guilt anymore? Do I do as he wishes and not communicate with him until he reaches out to me first? Or do I end the A for him since he obviously won't?

 

There isn't a way for you to help a person not feel guilt , only they can do that. I'm sorry but is seems he is pulling further back from you. He is giving all kinds of reasons yet he pushes you away more each time. No contact on weekends, five minute meeting every week or so, no more texting, and now putting off meeting to talk to you.

[Pastypop]

He dropped me when he found women and eventually men to have sex with him. I found out that he was on all those sleazy websites. After I found out who he really is, I am so glad and relieved he's gone. He contacted me a year later and I told him to $@&@$&&$@$. He did not appreciate my rudeness but has not bothered me since.

[Scarlet2]

My MM lightened up today. He said I can call him instead; because somehow he feels better that we won't get caught that way. I didn't argue with him because it's better than nothing. You can delete texts, you can't delete who called who and for how long, but I guess he's better at lying about what the call was about than lying about what the context of my text messages mean.

 

I flat out asked him why he's so afraid of getting caught, has he gotten caught before. If he had, I wanted to know what happened. He's been married for over 20 years, I doubt I'm his first one especially after all the stories he told me about before he was married. I could tell he didn't want to answer and he shouldn't lie either because we're on the same team of cloaks & daggers so he chose to act like he didn't understand what I was asking, it was sort of adorable really. It's not really important what happened in his past, I'm just glad he decided to skirt around the question instead of lie.

[gettingstronger]

Re-read your post above and imagine a friend wrote this about their single boyfriend- what advice would you give- why would you put up with this just because he is married?

[shermanator]

Has any OW here had an A where the MM ended it before a DD could occur? And if so, how and why did he end it?

 

If a MM is reading this:

if you ended an A before a DD, how and why did you end it? Also, have you, the MM, had to take a timeout from the A, and if so why?

 

- yes, the OW and I are NC right now because of the stress/guilt of everything. she's not married.

 

Also did you, the MM, ever miss your OW if she went NC or didn't have time for you, or what other reason did you miss her?

 

- yes, i miss her terribly. we started having an EO before anything physical happened and she's one of my best friends.

 

Did you ever feel torn on who you wanted to be with full time, your W or the OW, and how did you make your decision?

.

 

 

- ALL THE TIME. I think about my A all day, every day... I don't know what to do

[Got it]

Has any OW here had an A where the MM ended it before a DD could occur? And if so, how and why did he end it?

 

If a MM is reading this:

if you ended an A before a DD, how and why did you end it? Also, have you, the MM, had to take a timeout from the A, and if so why?

 

Also did you, the MM, ever miss your OW if she went NC or didn't have time for you, or what other reason did you miss her?

 

Did you ever feel torn on who you wanted to be with full time, your W or the OW, and how did you make your decision?

 

While we didn't end because of a dday were were about to as we were coming up to my self imposed timeline. Dday hit at that time and we ended things. I couldn't be a part of it once that happened and was not about any further fence sitting. He was dealing with a lot of emotions on all fronts and couldn't make an immediate response. So for him, according to him, that time apart really solidified where he wanted to go with things. He said while he knew he loved me he didn't realize how much until we were NC. Got his reasons for why he was married and the focus on the kids but I was not going to stay in the affair until the kids were adults. I understood that even if he hadn't left it wasn't about him not loving me. I always knew he loved me and I knew why his other priorities were priorities. It was/is a hard decision all around no decision with it is clean cut.

[Scarlet2]

I thought it was going to be rough not being able to text my MM per his request but we had two 20 minute phone conversations this past week. Granted I called him both times but he did call me 3 times yesterday on his own. I think I like the verbal better because I get to hear his reactions to what I say whereas with texting it can be read so many different ways and not know the correct tone. Plus it's instant, I don't have to wait for reply that never comes. I still think he is going to get caught if his W looks at the breakdown on the phone bill, but this is what he wants.

 

He told me I am his second life. MM, have you ever said or felt that? What exactly does that mean? We don't spend as much time together as I would like. He hasn't spent the night yet, we haven't gone on trips, still haven't seen each other on weekends. Second life to me sounds like what he does in his married life but double and time divided, but that's not happening in this A.

 

Another thing I've noticed is that he seems amazed at how high my sex drive is. I thought by him wanting the A, that his drive was as high as mine too, the old cliche that men cheat because they want better or more sex than what they get at home, but he says I wear him out too much and that I need to work on moderation. I'm like, I thought this is what you signed up for and his response was that he assumed he could just have regular sex, not sessions that last over an hour. My thought process is that I make it last because I don't know when the next time I'm going to get it from him again (live like there's no tomorrow) but I guess his thought process is that he doesn't need to make it last because he can still have sex with his wife whenever he feels the urge?

 

What is your A sex like? Do you do more or less with your AP?

[Realist3]

His actions and words mean you are not his priority. You are a little fun on the side when he gets around to it. That is what he means by second life.

 

You on the other hand seem to be making him your priority which is a huge mistake. You aren't and likely never will be in the driver's seat in this relationship. You either have to accept what you get or get out.

 

He is seeing a woman that is falling in love with him, but he is not falling in love with you.

[Scarlet2]

Probably right. This isn't an affair at all. Side dish is one step above a whore, right? Why pay when he's getting it for free from me...

 

Yes I love him but I know he cares about me in some way. Any time I have an emergency, he drops whatever he's doing for me, even when his wife knows it's me he's helping. I seriously doubt he'd do that just so that he wouldn't lose his side piece, especially when he's afraid of getting caught all the time.

 

I guess I could get out, then I'll know if he lets me go or tries to keep me.

[Hope Shimmers]

I guess I could get out, then I'll know if he lets me go or tries to keep me.

 

The problem with this is, he likely does not want to lose you and the affair no matter how deeply he does or doesn't feel about you.

 

I feel so bad and sad for you I can tell how much you love this man.

 

So I will say this as gently as possible. No one can know with certainty what is in his head (except for him). But the way he is treating you does not reflect a man who cares deeply for you in the same way that you do him.

 

The fact that he deflected your question about whether he had ever been caught in an affair before is very telling.

 

I think he may have guilt but his behavior doesn't really add up. In my experience (unfortunately I have experience) if he wants to talk to you and be with you, even while he is married, he will find a way to do it. You two don't communicate and he doesn't even have the courtesy to respond to your texts. I don't believe he's doing that out of guilt or fear. It's not difficult to delete texts.

 

I think that you are addicted to this man. If you read about it, you will see examples of relationship addiction. It's characterized by basically constructing your life completely around another person to the point that you lose sight of what is good for you and what your own morals and beliefs are. Everything is just focused on being with this person, or hearing from them. Eventually you are so focused on those things that you end up justifying everything they do in such a way that makes it palatable to you. (For example, you justify his not replying to texts to mean that maybe he is busy planning to leave his wife... and so on).

 

Unfortunately this other person has all the power in the relationship and it very much sounds like he knows you aren't going anywhere.

 

I urge you to get help and get yourself out of this situation. You are worth SO MUCH more than this. You deserve so much more than this man is giving you! Please get help and don't spend any more time wondering why he does and doesn't do things... you will never know. But the bottom line that you need to accept is that this man is not leaving his wife and he is also not treating you in a way that even remotely indicates that he respects and loves you.

[Scarlet2]

Well he broke his 2 month hiatus, unprovoked, and came over to talk to me for two hours. He said he wasn't pulling away, he just had a lot going on. I can't fault him for fulfilling his obligations. It would be irresponsible if he put me first above his responsibilities, regardless if there is love or not. "Hey I can't help you put up your fence because I have to go bang my whore before she gets upset with me." If I were married with kids and active in the church, I probably wouldn't have a lot spare time for him either. I just don't understand if he's got a very full and active life, why did he think he had space to add me into it.

 

I told him I wanted to do more things with him in the outside world and he agreed but that I have to wait for opportunities to open up. I also told him I wasn't going to tolerate another "disappearing" act, that he has to make some kind of effort to keep in touch with me, don't expect me to be all dutiful and understanding, waiting for her man to come back all willy nilly, with nothing to show for it. There are plenty of guys out there that WILL give me the time of day. And then of course he wanted to know about the guys he sees talking to me.

 

If he ever does get a real affair, he's in a for a rude awakening. They won't be as easy as me. He'll have to pull out all the stops to keep her interested whereas with me he takes me for granted because of our decade long friendship. I still have to be courted just like anyone else otherwise I'll wander off too.

[Scarlet2]

My MM behaved like that when he started to have feelings for me and he couldn't handle it.....unfortunately he never managed to. He told me he loved me after three years and never again ? it seriously conflicted him

 

That's what I was starting to think back in April when he said he felt like a candle burning on both ends. He was liking his time with me and probably was falling in love and that's why he had to back off a little to get his mind right because it was conflicting him. I'm pretty sure it's going to happen again then because it's the same recipe...

[Baby123]

My MM tried to reconcile his R so I broke up with him. I went NC completely and I continuously posted images publically on FB show much i'd moved on/how well I was doing.

 

 

After about 8 weeks I messeged him angry that he'd left me to reconcile. He told me it had been hideous and he loved me and could live his life other people and reconcile no matter how much the BS, the kids and outer family and friends pressured him. He said he cried everyday and just stared at my pictures.

 

 

He promised me he would divorce and cut everyone out of his life who kept giving him negative opinions on our R.

 

 

Its been hard, but he is now divorced and his kids live with him and his partner has finally moved on.

 

 

Absense made the heart grow fonder and in the end MM has done everything he can to make up for his terrible reconciliation.

[Scarlet2]

I have no doubt that's happening with my MM too, Baby123, the pressure he gets from everyone, family & friends. He's been married 20+ years, plus her parents have been married 40+ years, and their pastor's marriage is 30+ years, so the odds are against him if he wants "approval" from his network to get a divorce.

 

Granted his own parents have had multiple marriages but I bet they are at a point in their life that they'll discourage divorce too just because it's harder to start over at their age. He has to do what's best for him and hopefully he won't base his decisions on the advise of those who don't have to deal with the results.

 

I think it's sad that he'll stay if he's unhappy because he doesn't want to hurt anyone but it will be okay to hurt me because I'm used to being hurt. That doesn't seem right. Isn't my MM's W being cheated out of a real marriage if he's just staying because it's the right thing to do?

[Hope Shimmers]

That's what I was starting to think back in April when he said he felt like a candle burning on both ends. He was liking his time with me and probably was falling in love and that's why he had to back off a little to get his mind right because it was conflicting him. I'm pretty sure it's going to happen again then because it's the same recipe...

 

Please re-read what I said about justification, and then re-read the above... and think again about how his past behavior has been.

 

With that said, I'll bow out of the thread and wish you peace and healing.

[Baby123]

Scarlet, if it is just because of outside pressure he will be out of his situation like a shot.

 

 

Stop letting him cake eat, take yourself far away from him, be happy and see how quickly he comes running. It will be the reality check of actually loosing the person you love for a false reality.

 

 

My MM sent me lyrics to Duran Duran, Ordinary World to explain how he felt in NC. I think had I have let him cake eat- he would still not be divorced.

 

 

I showed him I could move on- and now he is with me.

[Baby123]

Scarlet- I have read your posts, and your MM does not respect you and nor are you his priority.

 

 

Forget the games, he is where he wants to be- nothing you can do will change that. Stop thinking about him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you really want to stay on the sidelines forever?