Sillynilly Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Here is my situation. I'm 30 and a single mother of a 5 year old. I've been dating this man for almost 2 years. It started out all wrong with him standing me up the 1st few dates then I wrote him off. a month or so later he contacted me again and we started dating. Things where okay. We are both strong willed people with strong personalities. Every time we disagreed it would become a who is right who is wrong debate. My BF likes to analyze things, people, feeling and the list goes on. We both have issues from the past but every time we argue it because a huge issue. We have talked about seeking outside help. Because of other issues of my BF not being able to take any sort of action but is rather all talk I asked him to call and set up an appointment. He made the appointment for during the day which we both work and I requested it be at night so we don't miss work. It became too hard or too much work to reschedule and he dropped it. After yet another argument I decided to take charge once again and called and signed us up for a class. It was a 2 night class on relationships in a group setting, which I paid for. I told him by no means should this take the place of counseling but rather add to it. We then went on vacation with my folks and BF asked me to marry him. I accepted. But now I'm thinking I made a mistake. This man has poor credit which he is working on. He has lied about small things to me which I later found out the truth. He has a horrible temper. As much as I want to have a family and be married and build a house. I worry about this person being a role model for my son. I worry about his financial situation since I've know him he's had his car repossessed, his student loan was in default and he is always behind on his bills, his car was in an accident and he spent the insurance money w/o fixing the car, and he makes way more then I do. How is it I can have good credit and pay my bills and almost $500 in daycare expenses on time. The budget for the wedding was mostly my money he had $1400 in the account and I had over $6K. He wanted all his friends from work to come and he wanted me to pay for 5 hrs of open bar. I feel horrible because I already sent out the announcement of our engagement and I already looked at several reception halls, made the guest list. I'm afraid once the fun wedding plans are done My son and I will be in a relationship where I'm always taking care of things or pushing my husband to do things. I'm afraid he won't be able to handle money. I know what needs to be done. It just sucks. I feel horrible because my son does like him, he's little and was excited to finally have a dad. His father was never in the picture. I know my son will get over it he is surrounded by people who love him. I just hate to think all my friends and family will think I failed at another relationship. I know this is the mature thing to do and most likely the right thing to do. If our relationship needs this much work before we are even married what will happen 5 years after we're married. I'm not vindictive I plan on returning the ring and his money from our joint account. Do you think I'm doing the right thing? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Yes. If in doubt read your post, then read it again & again. Link to post Share on other sites
billybadass36 Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 YOU aren't failing in the relationship. Call the wedding off and put the money you'd have spent getting his friends drunk at the reception into an educational trust for your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 I think (just as Blue chocolate stated) read and re-read your post! Money, financial status, credit, how much cash he has in the bank, ect are things that are important to you. He clearly isn't "up to" your standards so why subject him or yourself to that type of relationship? Just because you sent out "engagement announcements" doesn't mean that anything is set in stone.....you can still change your mind. I mean you "knew" his financial situation before you sent out those announcements so I dunno.....it is YOUR decision but why marry someone you're going to be unhappy with and who's going to be unhappy with you (since you'll be unhappy with him). I can't see that being a good situation for your child either! I know my son will get over it he is surrounded by people who love him. I just hate to think all my friends and family will think I failed at another relationship. (just a thought) Could it be because "Mommy" has un-realistic expectations from the men she dates and wants everyone to be as "financially stable and "well to do" as she is"???!?!?! Then when they're not she thinks they are somehow "less" of a man? Not to sound harsh but I dunno if these are the only problems in the relationship then maybe you should adjust "your" views?!?! Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 I think a lot of women, and this applies to me, have the idea that we're supposed to be in a relationship. BUT many of us won't just accept the first guy that comes along and shows interest, we want to connect to someone in a meaningful way (whatever's meaningful to the given person). For me that has meant guys of a particular intellectual bent, who have other not-easily-found characteristics. Anyway, once we find someone who fills these criteria some of us (women and men I suppose) are prone to saying, "well I've found the things that are most important to me personally, and they're hard to find, so I should just accept the fact that this guy (or woman) has flaws." We all have flaws, of course. But someone who isn't financially responsible, and who has a bad temper (to name but two of the problems you've listed) is probably going to be a bad bet no matter what other qualities he happens to posses. Just because he's good in some ways doesn't mean that you're wise or loving to ignore the red flags that are waving. You see the warning signs -- why wouldn't you heed them? Would you rather have your friends and family say, "Oh it's too bad that she wasted so much time with that guy" now, when "so much time" is 2 years? Or would you rather have them say it after 5 years or 10 years have passed -- and you have to pay for the expense of a divorce, and possibly wrangle over custody of children ....? Just because you don't want to be known as the person who can't make a relationship work (and I know what that feels like!), doesn't mean your boyfriend's problems are negligible... or that he's going to change. Personally I think that being "smart" in relationships involves recognizing when something simply isn't going to work -- and exiting with as much grace and concern for the other person as possible, thus minimizing the aftermath for yourself and for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sillynilly Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 Thanks for the replys "(just a thought) Could it be because "Mommy" has un-realistic expectations from the men she dates and wants everyone to be as "financially stable and "well to do" as she is"???!?!?! Then when they're not she thinks they are somehow "less" of a man? " I'm not saying someone has to be rich. I'm concerned because this man is not responsible with money. And I have to say I am not "well to do" I have saved every penny extra I have wrapped them and deposited into the bank. I do surveys at $5 a pop, I do rebates and I never shop with out using coupons. Whatever extra money I get I put in the bank. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 I'm not saying someone has to be rich. I'm concerned because this man is not responsible with money. And I have to say I am not "well to do" I have saved every penny extra I have wrapped them and deposited into the bank. I do surveys at $5 a pop, I do rebates and I never shop with out using coupons. Whatever extra money I get I put in the bank. Well I'm glad to hear that it wasn't just because you're "born into" this and think everyone has to be. (Not that I'm saying it would be BAD if this was the case but just harder to see where you were coming from). BUT since you have been so responsible, I can see how his not being so responsible would be a huge factor. Now with this being said....I think that it probably would be best for you to move on. I didn't catch the part about the bad temper.....if it's borderline "he barely controls it" that within itself is enough to rethink the relationship, but that coupled with the other facts you've stated (and explained more clearly now) I think you'd be doing yourself a favor if you got out now before it's too late and you're in debt or affording him a lifestyle as well. Marrying him knowing he hasn't changed this far into the relationship would just set you up for a disappointing life (so it sounds). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sillynilly Posted February 27, 2005 Author Share Posted February 27, 2005 Well I did it a few weeks ago. I told him we need time apart. I returned all of his stuff and he chased me out of his apartment and while screaming and yelling. I managed to get into my car and lock the doors. He threatened that he would tear off the side view mirror if I didn't give him back his entertainment book. I didn't even have it in the car at the moment. I was so scared I stepped on the gas and barely missed 2 on coming cars. Later he said he was sorry and he was starting counciling. Was he turning over a new leaf? Ummmmm no.... I gave him another chance, I know stupid me. I just have this horrible fault of hoping people are good inside. Anyhow he got ticked and this time sent emails so horrible, attacking my character, I never read something that hurt so much ever before in my life. I'm glad this happened before we ended up getting married but either way it still hurts like hell. Thanks for letting me vent and all your words of encouragement. Link to post Share on other sites
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