My boyfriend lied and I found out....what do I do?

[adore-la-vie]

Hi.

I have no idea how to start this. My boyfriend is lying to me and I found out. We have been together for almost 2 years and we live together.

 

Due to issues in our past, our relationship isn't perfect at the moment. We have had some issues concerning trust. He lost alot of trust from me and we are trying to grow it back, though it hasn't been easy. I got a feeling a couple of days ago about him so I went online to his bank account and saw a transaction for last week at a bar for like $60. He never told me that he went to this bar and he went when I was at work so of course now I am curious. I know I snooped, and that is wrong, but given our history (I don't want to go into it for it is a long story) and where I am trying to trust him again, when you get a feeling like I did, you find out why.

 

So, I decided to ask him about his trip to the bar. I didn't come out and ask him, I instead told him that a friend of mine saw him at the bar last week and asked him if he was there. He stared at me for a few seconds and said that he wasn't there. Then he got defensive (1st sign that someone is lying or hiding something) and tried to say that I accused him of being there when he wasn't, blah, blah, blah. I decided not to say anything more. I sent a mutual friend of ours a txt message asking him if they were at the bar last week, but he never responded. I am thinking about asking his brother the same question.

 

Until then, what do I do? I can't just come out and say "I saw on your bank account a transaction to the bar that you claimed you didn't go to". I thought about printing off a statement, highlighting it, leave it on the coffee table with a note asking for an explaination before I go to work today but think that is a right way to approach it as well. I'm trying to avoid letting him know that I checked his bank account. It would not bother me at all if he was there with the guys. He could have just said that. But now I know that he was there and he is lying to me about it not only makes me wonder why and who he was with, but angry.

 

Any advice on this would be great.

[CoolAunt]

ALV, if you make up a lie to show him that you know he's lying, then you've lied, too. What would that prove except that you've both lied to one another?

 

What is the purpose of proving that you know he's lying? You know that he's lying. He knows that he's lying. If you could force a confession from him (I recommend the water drip torture, btw) what would happen then?

[adore-la-vie]

Originally posted by CoolAunt

If you could force a confession from him (I recommend the water drip torture, btw) what would happen then?

 

I couldn't come out and say that I checked his bank account and saw he was at a bar that he didn't tell me about. I don't know how he would respond (I know he would be mad of course) and he wouldn't understand as to why I checked his bank account (which I know was wrong but I explain earlier as to why).

 

What do mean as in the water drip torture?

[CoolAunt]

Originally posted by adore-la-vie

I couldn't come out and say that I checked his bank account and saw he was at a bar that he didn't tell me about. I don't know how he would respond (I know he would be mad of course) and he wouldn't understand as to why I checked his bank account (which I know was wrong but I explain earlier as to why).

 

What do mean as in the water drip torture?

Why do you have to prove anything at all? You know he's lying. He knows he's lying.

 

I was joking about the water drip torture.

[tanbark813]

If this is an isolated incident, then keep your eyes and ears open for a while and just hang back to see if he lies again. If he has a pattern of lying, or if this is why you guys have had trust issues in the past, then you might as well cut your losses now and move on. My last ex was a habitual liar. It was not fun. (Do a search on my posts in the past few months if you want more info.)

[bluechocolate]

I'm with Auntie Cool on this - why try to trap him in a lie with a lie? "Oh what a tangled web we weave...."

 

Why do you have access to his bank account online? If he gave you his password, etc. then it stands to reason that you would look at it.

 

Trying to trap him in a lie isn't going to prove anything. I thought you two were trying to rebuild trust? Perhaps you should go first.

[roxy_1980]

If you want an honest answer about the bar, you're gonna have to 'fess up about the snooping in this bank account. Yeah, he'll be mad, but at least it is the truth.

 

You said that he lost trust in you before. Keeping this from him will just start that pattern up again. Think about it: If you can rationalize this away so easily, it becomes easier to rationalize away something else that's bigger later on. It becomes a slippery slope.

 

And as a general rule: Stay away from his accounts (e-mail, banking, IM) from now on, people deserve their privacy, even those to which you are involved. Oh, yeah....it's illegal too!

[Barby]

Why do you have access to his bank account online? If he gave you his password, etc. then it stands to reason that you would look at it.

 

 

I was wondering the exact same thing! If he didn't give you access to something so personal..there is much deeper issues here..email is one thing but his bank account?