I am seriously jealous? unease? about fiancee's previous relationship with older male

[echoparkdude]

My fiancee and I have been engaged for about 6 months. We dated for 8 months before that. I found out that she dated an older guy a few months into our relationship. I was uncomfortable about it then but I thought after time it would pass. I was still uncomfortable with it a few months later so we talked about it. Some info: When she dated this guy she was 20 and he was 29. They met at the gym. He came on to her because he thought she was older. He was a graduate student at the university and she was in her first year. This was the first issue I had with this guy. My fiancee looks very young. To mistake her for someone older is bull****. What's my deal with this relationship? I hate the fact that older men take advantage of younger girls with less experience in dating. I would never date anyone that is more than five years younger than me if I was 29 because there's just too many weird twisted issues, in my opinion, for there to be love and I personally date to find love. When you date someone so much younger than yourself there are issues of the guy being the father figure and the more uncomfortable issue of the guy having some short of sick "rocking the cradle" issue with corrupting innocent girls.

 

Besides these issues that I have thought about, I am not aware of any other problems that might make me uncomfortable with this relationship. Right now, I just need to get it out of my head because it's just distracting and annoying to be uncomfortable about it even though it's over and in the past.

 

Other info that might help: My dad married my mom when he was 30 and she was 20. I have always thought that he was an a**h*** for knocking up a girl and using his age to fluster a girl into a relationship.

 

Help me get over this. Any advice would be appreciated.

[CoolAunt]

I found out that she dated an older guy a few months into our relationship.

Was she dating the older guy during the first few months of your relationship? Or, were you a few months into your relationship when she you about the older guy that she dated prior?

 

If it's the former, is that what you're upset about? If it's the latter, what are you upset about?

[echoparkdude]

It is the latter. When I started dating her she wasn't dating anyone else. She dated this older guy about a year and a half before I met her.

 

What am I worried about? It really isn't logical, which suggests that I am insecure. I think I am...so how do I get this thing out of my head? What else am I worried about? Her values. If she thought that that relationship was okay and how she views dating in general ultimately effects me. Of course, how she views dating has changed which makes this an issue of insecurity. Maybe there is no cure for insecurity.

[CoolAunt]

Sounds like cold feet, to me. You're engaged to be married. Marriage is a BIG step and a serious commitment.

 

If this relationship from the past is the worst thing that you can come up with to create doubt in your mind about her, she must be a great girl.

 

Trite but smart: Don't worry. Be happy.

[Cecelius]

I kind of agree that this is not that big a deal in principle.

 

Are you comparing yourself or measuring up? You can't do that to yourself, ever, especially since women sense fear like bees sense flowers -- before too long, she'll wonder why she's not with him, if even you think he's that formidable. Maybe I'm over-reading, in which case just disregard.

 

I too am never that impressed with unequal bargaining power relationships like the one you are talking about. But it was a legitimate relationship for a while (meaning, we're not talking about her getting used, etc.)

[echoparkdude]

I am definitely not measuring up to him.

 

I kind of think that she was used by an older guy but she claims otherwise. My problem is similar to how a husband feels about his wife after she is raped. It's kind of a harsh example and the reality is not that dramatic but you get the point? I want to seriously hurt the guy for using her.

[emopunk]

Feelings of vengeance aren't necessarily a bad thing. But I will tell you this, if you keep thinking about this and letting it interfere in your current relationship... you could eventually get her to see it your way. And then SHE will feel like she was used. And that's a terrible thing... made worse by the fact that you influenced her perception. You want to exact vengeance. Fine, but if she doesn't feel the same way about it, she'll have issues with you then.

 

My best advice, and its hard to follow, to you is... deal with it. Kill the thoughts and move on. Trust me on one thing though; When you do exact vengeance, even if it may be necessary, it doesn't change anything for the better. Then you have to live with what you've done in addition to the reason why you did it. Memories don't die... they just fade out.

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by echoparkdude

I am definitely not measuring up to him.

I kind of think that she was used by an older guy but she claims otherwise. My problem is similar to how a husband feels about his wife after she is raped. It's kind of a harsh example and the reality is not that dramatic but you get the point? I want to seriously hurt the guy for using her.

Huh?

 

You want to seriously hurt the guy for using her? But she doesn't feel that she was being used? So who are you to invalidate her feelings about her relationship at a time when she didn't even know you?

 

I seriously doubt this has anything to do with you thinking that "the guy was using her".

[echoparkdude]

Originally posted by bluechocolate

 

You want to seriously hurt the guy for using her? But she doesn't feel that she was being used? So who are you to invalidate her feelings about her relationship at a time when she didn't even know you?

 

Bluechocolate, I totally agree with you and I have thought about the same issues. That's why on one hand, I think that I am just a little bit insecure but on the other hand, how many people that got used, tricked, or manipulated actually realize that they were. Isn't that the whole idea of getting used, tricked, or manipulated? You don't know that it's happening. I feel that she was because of what she told me about the guy. How he thought she was older even though she looks freaken young. Being a guy myself, I figured that he was a cradle-rocker trying to sweet talk his way into bed with a much younger girl because they're naive.

[tanbark813]

I hate to break it to you but girls sleep with guys when they want to (unless they're raped, of course). I doubt he used jedi mind powers to trick or manipulate her into anything. She was probably genuinely attracted to him at the time.

 

It doesn't matter how much the guy wants her if she doesn't want him. If you're that worried about some other guy "stealing" her, then why are you marrying her?

 

I think it's shady that she went out with him when she was dating you, and you have reason to be worried about that, but it sounds like you're misplacing your anger or hurt towards your fiancee onto this guy to try and make him out to be some evil manipulator to ease your worriment about your relationship with her.

[bluechocolate]

Bluechocolate, I totally agree with you and I have thought about the same issues. That's why on one hand, I think that I am just a little bit insecure but on the other hand, how many people that got used, tricked, or manipulated actually realize that they were. Isn't that the whole idea of getting used, tricked, or manipulated? You don't know that it's happening. I feel that she was because of what she told me about the guy. How he thought she was older even though she looks freaken young. Being a guy myself, I figured that he was a cradle-rocker trying to sweet talk his way into bed with a much younger girl because they're naive.

 

You want to be very careful if you're trying to re-interpret her past for her. Every human relationship is strange & unique to the individuals involved, you can never know or understand what went on between the two of them - no matter how much she tells you or how much you think you understand human nature. Despite your feelings on their age difference they were both consenting adults.

 

My dad married my mom when he was 30 and she was 20. I have always thought that he was an a**h*** for knocking up a girl and using his age to fluster a girl into a relationship

 

This guy is not your father - perhaps your issues really lay there & you're just projecting?

 

Whatever, if she feels OK about this then somehow you're going to have to learn too as well. Just a thought - why waste so much energy on this guy? He's history - you're the man now - forget about him - you're bringing him smack bang into the middle of your relationship & I'm sure you really don't want him there.

[Cecelius]

I understand that he was significantly older and that's a little gross, but I wouldn't recomend rubbing it in her face. You'll just end up making her feel bad.