He wants my love

[Popsicle]

I can tell that my MM wants my love. I just don't know why he wants my love, considering that he's married. Any thoughts on why? Looking for answers from OW/OM. You can share your stories as ow/om pertaining to this as well.

[Poppy's sister]

Mine says that I am his equal. He wants me because we talk, laugh, spark of each other, ate equal professionals, enjoy many of the same things, want the same things in life

 

On good days it's enough, on bad days I think it just provide an escape from his life for him

[bambiwboone]

I can tell that my MM wants my love. I just don't know why he wants my love, considering that he's married. Any thoughts on why? Looking for answers from OW/OM. You can share your stories as ow/om pertaining to this as well.

Because you make him feel loved and wanted. Persumably his wife isn't making him feel this way.

[Scorpio Chick]

I was an OW very briefly. Why did I cut ties after such a short time? I feel I got lucky in realizing how this married man was obviously going to be calling ALL the shots and it didn't matter how bad I wanted something, to hear from him, to see him, if it didn't work out for HIM, it wasn't going to happen. Funny, I always thought through life that my self-esteem was on the low side until I was on the other woman ground and I thought about it heavily one night, and I thought, 'oh, HELL no.' There are PLENTY of single, available men out there that didn't betroth themselves to someone else and are free to give me 'love' and for me to give them my love.

 

I don't need someone else's husband, period. NO ONE, nobody, NOBODY, is so nice that they're giving their love, or having sex with two women out of the goodness of their hearts. Please, if he wants your 'love', he needs to take it from you when he's single.But think about the conundrum that presents. Would you really, really want a 'man' that dumped a wife he vowed to love forever because of some fling that happened? If he's married, he's married, sweetie. Of course he wants your 'love' - you're giving it to him without any real consideration to yourself (well, you are getting something out of it) and what you need and want. It's a trite phrase because it's so true - he's having his cake and eating it too. Is he really that special of a human being to deserve all that? Does he really to get to get goodies from one woman while living in deceitfulness with his wife?? I don't think so.

[Popsicle]

I was an OW very briefly. Why did I cut ties after such a short time? I feel I got lucky in realizing how this married man was obviously going to be calling ALL the shots and it didn't matter how bad I wanted something, to hear from him, to see him, if it didn't work out for HIM, it wasn't going to happen. Funny, I always thought through life that my self-esteem was on the low side until I was on the other woman ground and I thought about it heavily one night, and I thought, 'oh, HELL no.' There are PLENTY of single, available men out there that didn't betroth themselves to someone else and are free to give me 'love' and for me to give them my love.

 

I don't need someone else's husband, period. NO ONE, nobody, NOBODY, is so nice that they're giving their love, or having sex with two women out of the goodness of their hearts. Please, if he wants your 'love', he needs to take it from you when he's single.But think about the conundrum that presents. Would you really, really want a 'man' that dumped a wife he vowed to love forever because of some fling that happened? If he's married, he's married, sweetie. Of course he wants your 'love' - you're giving it to him without any real consideration to yourself (well, you are getting something out of it) and what you need and want. It's a trite phrase because it's so true - he's having his cake and eating it too. Is he really that special of a human being to deserve all that? Does he really to get to get goodies from one woman while living in deceitfulness with his wife?? I don't think so.

 

Well, I didn't really make this thread to discuss me, my feelings and what I want. I already know that. When I was married, I wouldn't have taken someone's love just because they were giving it to me. I wonder why he wants it.

[littlemermaid]

Well, I didn't really make this thread to discuss me, my feelings and what I want. I already know that. When I was married, I wouldn't have taken someone's love just because they were giving it to me. I wonder why he wants it.

 

Why does he want it? Probably because it makes him feel better about himself. It's an ego boost. Why does it matter?

[beach]

Could be that he's using you as his ego feed.

 

What about what YOU want? Do you get everything you want out of him?

 

Or are you settling for less than what you always dreamed of having?

[jwi71]

I can tell that my MM wants my love. I just don't know why he wants my love, considering that he's married. Any thoughts on why? Looking for answers from OW/OM. You can share your stories as ow/om pertaining to this as well.

 

Probably for the same reasons we ALL want to be loved:

To reaffirm ourselves (as worthy) and feel special

We instinctively seek it out (we are social creatures after all)

To feel connected - to feel like one belongs to something bigger than the self

 

Perhaps its on a darker level as:

Control

validation of one's ability to manipulate (particularly sick)

validation that he/she may leave and not "be alone" (soft landing)

cannot love unless first is the recipient of love

 

Might be able to think of more...

[PachucaSunrise]

Because you make him feel loved and wanted. Persumably his wife isn't making him feel this way.

 

THIS! In my case, anyway. STUPID, STUPID me.

 

How do you mean that you can tell he wants your love? Just trying to clarify...

 

Mine definitely wanted my love, on HIS terms. It must have been pretty sweet for him, actually. To have me, acting as his therapist, lover, friend, confidant, etc... He got everything he needed, and then some. When what did I actually get out of it? I obviously must have been getting something, because I went along with it. Shows exactly where my self-esteem was... IN THE SH$TTER!

 

I bet his W wanted his love as well, or at least the TRUTH. She probably would have respected him more if he only had the balls to tell her that he was unhappy in his M. But he was a COWARD. He took the easy way out, because he was confused?! I honestly cannot think of anything more selfish than this.

 

She will have NO PROBLEM finding another man who is deserving of all she has to offer (which is quite a bit). I may have been used as a pawn, and I feel like a piece of S$it because of it, but I am more than confident that she will find happiness sooner than later, with someone who is capable of openly communicating his thoughts and feelings with her. She deserves that much, and so do I.

 

So, why did my XMM want my love? That's simple - because I gave it to him - I ALLOWED him to have it. Who would want to buy the cow if they were able to get the milk for free?

 

I WAS A SUCKER. PERIOD.

[Scorpio Chick]

Well, I didn't really make this thread to discuss me, my feelings and what I want. I already know that. When I was married, I wouldn't have taken someone's love just because they were giving it to me. I wonder why he wants it.

 

And I'm not trying to be a smart ass although I know that's how I'm coming off, but really, you're asking WHY someone would want something that's good. Love is a good thing, right? Presumably there's some physical attraction there, and if you're nice to him, or loving, or whatever, why WOULDN'T he want that?? To me, it's a no brainer. And honestly, my whole point is, married men having an extramarital affair (look at that word, 'extra', they are getting extras, perks, goodies) for the most part does not leave his wife. We could ask, and we do, why doesn't he leave his wife? Well, again, why would he? You can best be sure he's getting goodies there in the form of easy and possibly regular sex, security, an image, or at the very least, he's not getting grief and legal troubles by staying with her. But think about yourself and EVERYONE you know. Why do they do what they do? Because they are getting something out of doing it THAT BENEFITS THEM. Think about it. But the real question is: why would you give to a man who already has everything (a wife, a family) when you yourself are only getting less than half in the 'bargain'?

[snappytomcat]

THIS! In my case, anyway. STUPID, STUPID me.

 

How do you mean that you can tell he wants your love? Just trying to clarify...

 

Mine definitely wanted my love, on HIS terms. It must have been pretty sweet for him, actually. To have me, acting as his therapist, lover, friend, confidant, etc... He got everything he needed, and then some. When what did I actually get out of it? I obviously must have been getting something, because I went along with it. Shows exactly where my self-esteem was... IN THE SH$TTER!

 

I bet his W wanted his love as well, or at least the TRUTH. She probably would have respected him more if he only had the balls to tell her that he was unhappy in his M. But he was a COWARD. He took the easy way out, because he was confused?! I honestly cannot think of anything more selfish than this.

 

She will have NO PROBLEM finding another man who is deserving of all she has to offer (which is quite a bit). I may have been used as a pawn, and I feel like a piece of S$it because of it, but I am more than confident that she will find happiness sooner than later, with someone who is capable of openly communicating his thoughts and feelings with her. She deserves that much, and so do I.

 

So, why did my XMM want my love? That's simple - because I gave it to him - I ALLOWED him to have it. Who would want to buy the cow if they were able to get the milk for free?

 

I WAS A SUCKER. PERIOD.

dear sweet pachuca

again you are awesome,please stop beating yourself up,you learned from this,and you have compassion for the bs,just remember you f*cked up,we all do,ive done some shi**y things,some could even say worse than cheating,but I learned from my mistakes,and that's anyone can do,as long as you learn from your mistakes,you are on the right track,its time to forgive yourself,my 2 cents anyways

[Speakingofwhich]

I'm FOW just to be clear. But understand why you're wondering this. It seems to me the possibilities are infinite. These are just a few any one of which may or may not be true.

 

Maybe because it's easier than working on his marriage to get what he wants from it.

 

Maybe you have qualities he wants to enjoy that his wife doesn't have.

 

Maybe he has low self esteem and needs the validation.

 

Possibly he is selfish and wants more than one woman to fawn over him, In other words he wants to enjoy more than one flavor of ice cream (cake eater).

 

Maybe he fell in love with you as a person and would miss your love too much to let you go.

 

The best way to find out the answer is to ask him, though. Have you asked him? If so, what does he say?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I can tell that my MM wants my love. I just don't know why he wants my love, considering that he's married. Any thoughts on why? Looking for answers from OW/OM. You can share your stories as ow/om pertaining to this as well.

 

Love is not a physical thing, it's an emotion, a word to express a feeling and the series of actions that go along with it. When you love someone, you typically want to please them, go out of your way to accommodate them, be nice to them, etc. You want to make them a priority in your life and be sure they're always happy and cared for the best way you know how.

 

Who wouldn't want that? Especially from the person you're seeing on the side. That means you're getting at least twice as much time and devotion as you normally would. This is very validating for some MM. He's able to be loved by two women but only put in half the time and work.

 

You're asking why he wants something 90% of the population wants.... Honestly, you know why. It sounds like what you really want to hear is that just because he's married doesn't mean he loves his wife or is loved by her or some such....

[Popsicle]

Love is not a physical thing, it's an emotion, a word to express a feeling and the series of actions that go along with it. When you love someone, you typically want to please them, go out of your way to accommodate them, be nice to them, etc. You want to make them a priority in your life and be sure they're always happy and cared for the best way you know how.

 

I agree with this definition of love.

 

Who wouldn't want that? Especially from the person you're seeing on the side. That means you're getting at least twice as much time and devotion as you normally would. This is very validating for some MM. He's able to be loved by two women but only put in half the time and work.

 

You're asking why he wants something 90% of the population wants.... Honestly, you know why. It sounds like what you really want to hear is that just because he's married doesn't mean he loves his wife or is loved by her or some such....

 

I just don't buy this.

 

But, again, this thread is not about me and what I want.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I agree with this definition of love.

 

 

I just don't buy this.

 

But, again, this thread is not about me and what I want.

 

The but, but, but this isn't about me!!1! deflection isn't really working here because despite how many times you say it isn't, it is about you. You know this situation and your married lover better than any of us here. We can't get inside his head, we can only go based on what we've seen or experienced before.

 

How about this, why do you think he wants your love? Surely you can at least come up with a few possibilities.

[PachucaSunrise]

dear sweet pachuca

again you are awesome,please stop beating yourself up,you learned from this,and you have compassion for the bs,just remember you f*cked up,we all do,ive done some shi**y things,some could even say worse than cheating,but I learned from my mistakes,and that's anyone can do,as long as you learn from your mistakes,you are on the right track,its time to forgive yourself,my 2 cents anyways

 

You've come to the rescue once again, Snappy! This made me cry, but in a really, really good way. Thank you so much!

 

I couldn't sleep last night, as I was once again rehashing EVERYTHING. But I think I've FINALLY reached the point of anger (and I think you can tell that I am anything but an angry person). But in this case, I feel as though anger is exactly what I need to feel - part of the healing process, as they say. I'm pretty overwhelmed by it, though, as I rarely get angry about anything. First time I've ever felt this way while thinking about my situation. I'm just gonna go with it, but make sure it doesn't consume me. I haven't forgiven myself just yet, though. But you're absolutely right - we all screw up, and all we can really do is learn from that. I needed that reminder, so thank you once again.

 

Sorry for hijacking, Popsicle, but thank you for letting me vent. I needed it.

 

I really am curious about your thoughts, though. You say this thread isn't about what you want, but you're asking us why we think MM wants your love? I'm not sure I understand...

[The Way I Am]

I could guess at why this guy wants your love, but I don't know anything about him or you. I don't think what you're after is hypotheticals, but if I'm wrong and you do want hypotheticals, let me know and I'd be glad to offer them.

 

That said. I think you're better equipped to answer your question than anyone other than him.

 

What is it that makes you question why he wants your love? Is it only that he's married or are there other red flag type things that make you wonder?

 

Are you thinking that there are non-genuine reasons for his wanting your love? If so, is there something he's done aside from being married that makes you think so.

 

You may get a lot of "because he's a selfish cheating azz" type responses to this question. Maybe he is, maybe he's not. I don't have any context on how he treats you. Honestly, not that long ago I might have been one of the people to assume he only wants your love because he's selfish just from the fact that he's married. But that was before my now-former roommate had a relationship with a guy who I kept saying those things about until I found out independently that it was true what he told her about his wife being so emotionally and physically abusive that he'd been hospitalized and in a coma from an attempted suicide. It's not always black and white. And sometimes outside observers don't necessarily see the reasons better than you. -- Though sometimes they do.

 

Edit: Have you asked him the question?

Edited May 31, 2014 by The Way I Am

[Speakingofwhich]

The best way to find out the answer is to ask him, though. Have you asked him? If so, what does he say?

 

 

This might've gotten lost in the shuffle.........

[beach]

I think you've heard here that MM lie and cheat because they are selfish and self centered.

 

That should answer your question.

[Popsicle]

The but, but, but this isn't about me!!1! deflection isn't really working here because despite how many times you say it isn't, it is about you. You know this situation and your married lover better than any of us here. We can't get inside his head, we can only go based on what we've seen or experienced before.

 

How about this, why do you think he wants your love? Surely you can at least come up with a few possibilities.

 

This isn't about me though. I would made a thread asking about me if I meant that. I am self-aware enough to ask a question about me here if I needed to learn more about that. Or go to therapy.

[Popsicle]

This might've gotten lost in the shuffle.........

 

I haven't asked yet. This is a discussion board and wanted to discuss the topic here today with OM/OW.

[AmyBamy]

Because his life isn't providing him the love he needs. Many people seem to believe that love and physical intimacy is a "want" and not a need and that's just not so. When I was married, my husband was giving me none of the things that my primary and sole intimate relationship was supposed to give me. That's a terribly lonely place to be - locked into a relationship that is meeting none of the needs it promised to because one partner has decided that they don't have to hold up their end of the relationship.

 

Many people here will tell you that he is "broken" and that is why he is searching outside of the marriage for love. I don't agree with that at all and have seen too many situations that prove it wrong for me to consider it a truth in any way. What I have seen is that when people stop giving a **** about their marriage, it stops meeting the needs and begins to lack the whole purpose of marriage, to supply that one intimate relationship that is supposed to meet some very intimate and necessary and important needs.

 

That's why he wants your love. And probably because you are an awesome person, a good person, a person who gets him and a person who he respects, and obviously a person who meets his vital needs that have probably been long neglected by his marriage partner.

[WakingUp]

Its really not complicated. We all want to be loved.

 

 

And the more love the better.

 

 

A light bulb went off in my head when MM said to me he loved me because I love him.

 

 

Its about how it makes them feel. That is it.

 

 

(PS its like a disco in my head at the moment, all the light bulbs going on and off, LOL. Dance, anyone?)

[still_an_Angel]

I can't presume to know what is the real home situation of your MM, there are hundreds of reasons why he is still married and has not divorced. Why he wants your love is because he has found something in you, in having a relationship with you, that satisfies what he is missing in his relationship with his wife. You are the "filler" relationship.

[yogachic]

I can tell that my MM wants my love. I just don't know why he wants my love, considering that he's married. Any thoughts on why? Looking for answers from OW/OM. You can share your stories as ow/om pertaining to this as well.

 

Perhaps he doesn't feel love from his wife... My MM and I haven't said, "I love you" to one another - yet. I do love him and it scares me. My one friend that knows about MM pointed out my feelings for MM. Anyways - he did tell me how he feels loved with me. He also signed a card with 'love'....