seriously in need of therapy

[StressFull]

basically im a 20yr old male and i have just split up with my girlfriend of 2.5 yrs. we were best friends since 15 and it evolved into something far greater.i had a few sexual partners before her but she was a virgin and had never really had a relationship before me. everything was fine and great for the first year and a half and we basically lived together cos she stayed round at mine almost every night and had her own key etc. and then i went to university about an hour and a half away from where we lived. she found it hard to cope with this and the fact that i was friends with a few girls as well. this annoyed me and i kept on telling her to trust me and not to be jealous etc. we worked through our problems though and although our relationship was different because we were used to seeing so much of each other, the new freedom each of us enjoyed was brilliant.

 

we spent the whole of last summer traveling in Thailand together, and when we got back she decided to go to university in the same city as me. it is not a very large place and our uni's are only about a mile away from one another.

 

at this point i must admit after looking back on it i was very hypocritical. my ex is very beautiful and naive. she befriends a lot of guys who are usually only interested in one thing but she nearly always fails to see this until they make a move on her. when she went to uni the same thing happened and i really didn't like the fact that she was friends with guys.

 

i really wanted to see her all the time and and was always phoning her. not more than i used to though. but the thing that i couldn't compute was that she was at uni in her first year and was having fun, making friends and she basically as much as she loved me didn't want to see me everyday. which is understandable.

 

this led to a lot of friction in our relationship and we argued all the time. she wasn't being very nice and it all came to the surface on new years eve. we agreed mutually to break up and then maybe in a few months see where we are and MAYBE get back together. i cited the reasons that i didn't think she appreciated me or treated me very well, to which she agreed.

 

i was fine for about a week, but then i saw her at a party and instantly wanted her back. we slept together a couple of times over the next week but her views remained the same. she wanted to be single and free because she had never had that before and she needed to not rely on anyone else for once. she also said that although she missed me and loved me she was happy being free.we have not slept together since then and its been a month and a half almost.i tried no contact and we only spoke once in about 2 weeks cos she called me. we saw each other randomly the other day and we talked and it ended up with a kiss.

 

now i want her back so badly. she is the only thing i think about all day long and cant concentrate on work or anything. I've been with other women since but it doesn't do anything for me.

 

today we spoke on the phone and we agreed to meet on valentines day for a meal. i asked her if she called see herself changing her mind in the near future and she said that she doesn't know. then i pressed her for an answer and she said she couldn't say but if pressed she doesn't think so in the near future i.e a couple of months.

 

i said i could no longer see or speak to her cos it was too hard so after valentines day...goodbye. and if she changed her mind in the future she should tell me which she promised she would. so valentines day is a goodbye meal. This is all just seems so surreal though because we've been such a huge part of each others lives since we were 15 and i find it really hard to accept that she doesnt want to be with me. its like i almost expect her to wake up tomorrow and be "what am i doing". i told her this and she said that she feels like that sometimes as well.

 

the problem is that i love her so much still and all i want to do is be with her.i don't know how to get her back but i also don't know how to move on. i just feel so empty. i know she needs space and frreedom from me but im scared of losing contact with her and losing her forever.

 

HELP ME!!!

[WantanS4]

Okay.. I will help. Coming from a similar situation..... it's really easy. Understand this........ THE DUMB B!TCH IS PLAYING A GAME WITH YOU....... SHE'S IMMATURE BY 'NOT KNOWING WHAT SHE WANTS'......... which ultimately leads to YOUR OWNED BY SOMEONE WHO'S IMMATURE........................ ahhh.... that felt good...........

 

seriously, she wants to be free, FINE... let her be free... but freedom comes with a price..... you. She's not going to comeback.... do you know why? Because she'll end up taking an offer from one of the other guys........ sleep with him........ have him leave her because all he wanted to do was sleep with her....... she'll come running back....... and guess what... it won't be the same for you..... you'll feel as if your buying a used car.

 

Don't do this to yourself....... believe me......... after 6 years she gave me the same bit......... and now 8 months later........ i sit here and wonder why i even wasted my time...............

 

she's hurting you.... only because you care........... let it go mate.......... just let it go...... and don't let anyone treat you like she is......... She'll regret it for the rest of her life........ you've done everything you could......... so let her shoot herself in the foot.

 

I know this is a harsh/rude comment toward woman....... but it needs to take this sort of tone with a guy to get it into his skull....... i do not mean to offend anyone....... HONEST!

 

This makes me so mad............. they want to 'have fun' (god knows this day in age what that includes) and be free......... what's wrong with people these days? And it's all at the expense of your feelings.

 

I still cry........ hell almost everyday...... but the second a tear runs down to my lips....... i get soo angry.........

 

Don't meet her for dinner.......... stand her up............ don't even let her know your not gonna go........ take a stand for yourself.... if she phones you....... give her a piece of your mind........ tell her that this is eptiome of heartless..............

 

hahaah... all she's looking for is not feeling lonely on Monday........ and getting a free meal..............

 

I feel for you man... because I was there.......... I know how empty it feels....... I know.

[WantanS4]

This is truly a war of hearts......... you need to score some points for yourself and your male self-esteem.

 

Hell........ where do you live... PM me if you like....... I'll buy you dinner on monday............ I don't care.........

[StressFull]

thank you thats probably the best advice i have heard. but how do you cope with not being with your ex? i mean for me it seems impossible sometimes. i just have no motivation to do anything. i really cant keep feeling like this for much longer cos its doin my head in!!!!!!

 

i know it seems like im being weak but i am going to go on monday simply because i dont want things to end on a bad note. i want to say goodbye properly because this girl has been a huge fixture in my life for almost a quarter of it!!!

 

she has never been rude to me about it jus not understanding cos shes not going throughthe same thing as me.

[WantanS4]

Easy... buy music that says...... "hey... i loved you.... but you screwed me over.... your going to regret this.... and when you do.... i'm not going to be there"

 

No seriously... i got back into music... sports... being fit...... EATING DRINKING and pretty much just enjoying life. You know before all this, i used to meet other girls/women and think 'oh gosh.. what do I say".............. now everything goes.... if a woman finds it amusing... great... if not.. then hey.... OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!

 

I know what it's like to want to feel them... to smell them... to hold them..... but you need to realize... she's betraded you and the relationship....... so OFF WITH HER HEAD!

 

And from your other posts... sounds like you've found someone else........ exploit that....... use it up...........

[StressFull]

well no i havent found someone else. i am with someone else but she doesnt mean anything to me and is actually quite annoying. if i cared at all about her she would really piss me off but i dont so it doesnt bother me. the hardest part is the constant thinking about my ex. cos it really is all the time.

 

jus wanna find a way to stop that

[WantanS4]

Hmmm...... well what I did was find myself..... started to think about who/what i was before her....... and what i wanted before her....... and decided to pickup those pieces....... i'm doing it slowly........ i just takes time.........

 

getting drunk.. giong out to party... blah blah blah doesn't help.............. just spend time by yourself......... take walks......... go to coffee stops and have a couple of cups (no more than 2... you'll feel like hell if you get more)........... take trips to places you've never been......... drive drive drive................. people watch......... buy new versions/editions/etc. of whatever it is you indulge yourself with.......

 

so i guess what i'm saying is indulge yourself......... and leave her standing there.......... and make her work for you.

 

this was especially hard for me... since i have always been a loner.....................

[Chan]

i thought u both called it a day,so why is she being made out like a so called 'bitch'!? ive been with my b/f nearly two years hes comin up to your age next month=20. If your the only person shes been with sexually maybe she wants to experience! i assume shes fairly young?.my boyfriend is the only person ive been with sexually ive done everything with him apart from kiss and although i love him sometimes i cant help but wonder what i may miss out on,hes had other girls maybe she feels the same way i do.and maybe when/if she moves on she'l realise what she has thrown away and jeapordised with you,and it may end up being the biggest regret of her life.i always see myself being with my partner forever but doesnt everybody?i could never be without my boyfriend and i truly believe ive found my soul mate.but at the same time will always be curious at what else is out there. i always believe whatever turns out the way it does something good comes from it and a lesson is always learnt. if you believe in fate it happened for a reason in the long run it may even be a good one

[WantanS4]

yeah... what you've missed out on..........

 

I guess he really doesn't mean that much to you.....

 

I mean... if your curious... means taht yournot satisfied.... or it means your selfish........... pick one...............

 

that or you haven't reached an age when you consider responsibility..................

 

either way..... your not looking too good right now..........

 

there is no excuse for what your thinking......... how would you feel if he walked all over you??? how would you feel if he said "hey... your not that great in bed... i need to know what else is out there........ despite the fact that I've already had others"?????

 

Hurts doesn't it?

 

Women wonder why men are pigs/a**h***s.......

 

 

So I say to you....... go...... have fun... be 'free'........ let it all 'hang out'...... let your 'stock' drop.............. and i hope i never run into you in real life............ because i won't respect you so much........

[StressFull]

i see what your sayin chan and she is the same age as me by the way.

 

i dont think shes a bitch at all. i just feel a bit betrayed that since shes gone to uni she decides she doesnt want to be with me.

 

i was speaking to my stepdad and he thinks that part of the thing is that i was too emotionally intense for her, and that she started to feel that way to and it scared her because in his opinion im a lot more emotionally mature than her.

 

i jus want her to realise that all the other things arent important like having sex with other people and living the single life. in comparison to being woith someone you care about they are nothing.

 

chan when you do finally have sex with someone else you will see that even with the most incredible sex ever, it means nothing in comparison to being with your partner. dont be curios. in time you will experiance it and see for yourself. jus be very happy your with someone you care about and cares about you. that is the most important thing and all the other stuff is really just crap. people who go out and jus **** and say they never want a serious relationship are peple with trust issues and really would love to be with someone.

[Chan]

just by me being curious does not mean im not happy and satisfied thought i made that obvious maybe not! your telling me if you had only slept with one person the whole of your 'life' you wouldnt wonder what else there is,maybe you wouldnt understand because youve slept with more than one(assuming you have)i never said i wasnt satisified i love my boyfriend to bits.i was just giving the bloke advice in a way i some how relate to how she may be thinking and giving my opinion on the situation.not that i have to justify myself to you.sorry to have got your knickers in such a twist.

[Chan]

stressfull have u enabled your pesonal messages to be recieved on your account,its just i would like to ask you a question if u wouldnt mind?it is relevant!

[StressFull]

hey i cant send pm's for some reason. i have them enabled and my account is activated.

 

i think maybe you dont have them activated.

[ttjames]

damn.. It's nice to know that there are other people out here going through the exact some thing.

 

Me and my girl of 3 years split a month ago. It was mutual. She had only been with me before so she wanted to be free and grow up etc.. I understand it perfectly; however, it still hurts like hell!!! Some days it's not so bad but other times it sucks.

 

The thing is that for how much I hurt and everything I still would not take her back even if she came up and wanted me. She needs to grow up. I don't want to be with an immature girl who is still wondering "what if". I figure if we come back to each other in X amount of years then fine. IF not then it wasn't ment to be.

 

I look off to the future and hope that she'll turn in a confident woman who knows what she wants and if it happens to be with me (and i'm available) then great.

 

But in the mean time I still hurt. It's been a month and she's making new friends and so am I. She's fooling around with other people and ****,.. I could if I wanted to but I just don't feel the need to. We still keep in contact by talking on the phone a couple times a week. Sometimes I really don't want to talk to her at all. I get so mad that she hasn't called and I think the main thing that hurts is that I'm no longer the center of her world. I'm no longer the most important thing in her life. I still feel that she is the most important thing. I think that guys have a harder time letting go.

 

Do what WantanS4 suggested.. Improve yourself. get back into your old hobbies. I'm working out now, taking time to get to know myself again.

 

"THE DUMB B!TCH IS PLAYING A GAME WITH YOU....... SHE'S IMMATURE BY 'NOT KNOWING WHAT SHE WANTS'......... which ultimately leads to YOUR OWNED BY SOMEONE WHO'S IMMATURE........................ "

 

Yeah that does feel good to say, but you can't hate them for it. Let them go. You can't hold them back. Don't be selfish and just think about yourself. True that is what they're doing, but still, be strong!!

 

It's a hard process to go through, between wondering if you can handle being friends or if you just want to kill the entire relationship.

But don't leave on bad terms. It does neither of u much good.

 

Anyway. my main point is let her go.

[ttjames]

chan when you do finally have sex with someone else you will see that even with the most incredible sex ever, it means nothing in comparison to being with your partner.

 

Exactly!!! But how do you know this??? It's from experience. Someone can not tell you that and you know what they mean.

 

 

the hardest part is the constant thinking about my ex. cos it really is all the time.

 

jus wanna find a way to stop that

 

If you find out something that will make it stop, post it here. I'd also like to know!!!

[StressFull]

lol, its true. ive been workin out too and it does help

 

but the underlying point is i feel like shes an idiot cos she is ruining somehtin so good for a stupid reason when there is still somethin there.

 

she jus cant see that bein single is bull****..and the whole too young thing? well thats crap too. your never too young for love. you get numerous chances in your life to be single but you only get one chance to be woth someone and thats not worth ruining for crap.

 

the point is.......HOW DO I MAKE HER SEE THAT!?!?!?!?

 

cos i really do want/need (delete as you feel appropriate) her back

[Chan]

i dont understand how she would/could throw it all away to be honest i find it weird how some people 'suddenly' dont love someone ne more how can you just fall out off love?i know what you mean about your never to young for love some people are still looking for love at like the age of 40!

 

i think if youve got something special and your in love you shouldnt throw that away. i know i said i was 'curious' but i would never end my relashionship because of curiosity it wuldnt bother me if my b/f was the only person i ever slept with but i think the thing i find hardest is that hes had 'others' i sometimes wonder where i come in?the list number??

 

i know i shouldnt feel like that but hes not so good with words and the whole reasuring thing.im very insecure when it comes to things in our relasionship i think because i havnt experienced any thing sexually with any one else i dont really know how good i am at stuff and what if im not as good as hes had b4 i dunno if you get my drift but i wanted to ask ur advice on stuff because i thought you may b able to help me i did try pm'ing you but it says you havnt enabled them it should come up on ur profile send 'sressfull a pm'it does on mine but not on yours!

[StressFull]

i dunno why my pm thing aint working.

 

ok hun heres the thing. my ex wasnt the best ive ever had in bed...

 

but that didnt matter in the slightest. despite what girls think of us blokes as long as your not ridiculously terrible in bed then it really wont be a matter to him at all.

 

please dont worry yourself thinking "oh am i crap is he gonna go lookin elsewhere for it, do i not satisfy him" etc, cos the truth is hun if he wasnt satisfied he wouldnt be with you, or you would at least know about it. us guys are like that.

 

my ex had the same problems but i kept on reassuring her. she still had problems about it and it wasnt a good thing for us. the best thing to do is stop worrying about the what ifs and look at what you have now which is a good relationship with someone you care about.

 

i dont think my ex has stopped loving me i jus think that in her mind she is young and at uni and too young to be tied down. she thinks that she should live her life like a student a bit more and all the things that come with that. she is jus too emotionally immature to realise that in the light of day that stuff really isnt important.

[StressFull]

i also think the reason why she hasnt really been feelin it that hard like i am is because of the sayin you dont know what youve got till its gone

 

well for me ive lost her so i know what we had and im missing her like crazy....

 

but for her she knows that at anytime all she has to do is click her fingers and im there so i havent gone yet and thus she doesnt know what she had

 

im hoping that if i tell her that im gone for good and i will not be around to ring her or ask her back it might make her start thinking "oh **** im really gonna lose him, he has really gone" and then maybe thats the only chance i have of gettin her back.

 

what do you guys think?