To be or not to be - married.

[twilight24]

My husband and I have been married for 13yrs. We got married when we were both in our early 20's. We have 2 kids both in that pre-teen stage. I work and am the breadwinner in the family, my husband is a builder and works for himself. He used to work for a company when we were first married but struck out on his own after about 3yrs.

I think that's when the problems started. I kept improving in my job etc. while he remained the same. I want a better life for me and the kids! It's not fair that I work so hard and I have to support the entire household on my own! In my mind if my H just got a job with a company we would be in a much better position. I've asked him to do so many times and he outright refuses. He always has great expectations but they never seem to work out. I've communicated to him about the way I feel, we've both talked about it, but it has not improved. I know my H is a good man, he loves me and the kids and he tries in his own way but I can't help feeling like he is holding me back from having the life that I know I could have with an equal partnership.

In the meantime I am taking care of my kids and my fear is that they are old enough to know their mum is really unhappy. I think that they are beginning to understand why I feel the way I do, but again, because my H is also a good father they cannot imagine us not being a family,while I can't imagine taking them away from him! I'm just so conflicted! Help please!

[beach]

Make a decision. Take steps toward the decision you make.

 

Once you invoke change to begin happening - he will soon realize it affects him too and will also need to change.

 

If he owns a construction company - why doesn't he earn money?

 

How does he spend his time during a day?

[twilight24]

He doesn't own a cconstruction co. He works on his own, people higher him to do their cupboards or ceilings etc. Its a one man operation and he hires the occasional guy if the job is big enough. If he does one job a month he still wouldn't make enough to really help with much of the expenses, so I end up paying most of the bills and being almost broke until my next paycheck...

[d0nnivain]

If it's his dream to be self employed can you help him to build a business? If he had more jobs & more money I think you would be happier. Before you chcuk the whole marriage, how can you help him get more work? Can you help him get a website? Can you do some marketing for him? Do you do his billing?

[central]

What's really bothering you?

 

He doesn't earn enough for your materialistic goals?

 

He lacks sufficient ambition for your status goals?

 

Is it a double standard about who's the primary "breadwinner"?

 

Or have you lost respect for him because he doesn't meet your expectations?

 

If your situations were reversed, would he feel the same, that you're holding him back?

 

It was suggested that you may be able to help him grow his business in some way that will satisfy both of you. I hope you can explore that first.

[Grumpybutfun]

If it's his dream to be self employed can you help him to build a business? If he had more jobs & more money I think you would be happier. Before you chcuk the whole marriage, how can you help him get more work? Can you help him get a website? Can you do some marketing for him? Do you do his billing?

 

 

If she works a full time job and has the kids too...why is she expected to start his business or do his books for him? He is an adult who has checked out of being a co-parent and co-partner.

 

OP, you need to sit down and have the dreaded conversation. Let him know that this set up is not working out and you are unhappy. Tell him you are stressed and overwhelmed by having to be the breadwinner and take care of the children and you need him to go back to work where he gets a stable full time paycheck. I think his time has passed for him to make good on working for himself and contributing in any meaningful way or starting his own business. If he hasn't done it by now, he won't do it and you will be shouldering the childrearing and bread winning by yourself until your kids move out, then you will still be the breadwinner.

It is normal for you to want to give your children more, but remember that a good father and mother are exactly what they need, more stuff isn't as important. Still, you need a partner and he needs to step up either as the stay at home full time father where he does all appointments, shopping, caregiving and housecleaning or he needs to go back to work full time.

Burn out and feeling overwhelmed can destroy feelings and build untold resentment.

Best,

Grumps

[d0nnivain]

Grumpy she's not expected to but my point was that before you throw out a marriage is there another solution. Is there a way she can help to make both of them happy? If she gets the ball rolling, in theory he should earn enough to be able to pay somebody to do these things down the road.

[twilight24]

Thank you all very much for your responses. Your points are all valid. In the past I havehave tried to assist my H with the administrative parts of his work but more on a managerial level because that's where my strength lies, but my H didn't think it was working out and after awhile I stopped offering. I bought him a vehicle and tools but I can't keep doing that because our kids expenses are increasing with their schools and extra classes, they're both in accelerated programmes at school and I don't want that to suffer.

You're all right though, I think I just need to make a decision and commit. I have brought up the idea of separation with him before but always backed down because of the kids. I don't think I am materialistic though,I just want to be able to breathe between paychecks. I want to be able to put some away for the kids future, to buy a box of cereal the kids like instead of the one that's the cheapest.

[beach]

Then it's time to have a serious conversation with him about what your plan is.

 

Be clear and map out what will happen based on your decision.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I agree with many on here. Time to have a very serious talk and lay things out on the table.

 

Also, here is a clip you might find helpful. NOT that I'm condoning separation or divorce but I REALLY hate hearing about so many painfully unhappy couples staying together for years for the sake of their children. Children are NOT stupid and know when things aren't going well. What does that teach them in the end? Often times it shows them that marriage equals unhappiness which isn't exactly fair.

 

Good luck.

 

[Yasuandio]

There are new high pay construction ideas for him to look into that do not require very little tools. He can charge $18 a sq. foot to put down the new modern epoxy floors - they are just wonderful, and designer are really using them in interiors now. Many colors, and metallics, swirled together, with coats of epoxy and the acetate sprinkles can look like marble, or even the deep sea. That is a wonderful flooring option - it is easy breezy too if you understand how epoxy works - it is all over u-tube, you husband could become resident expert.

 

Another fast money maker - that is easy, but scares people, is popcorn ceiling removal. Simple, spray 3x3 foot area with water, and scrap off with plasic scaper - that is the secret. He could go around and undercharge the compition that is making a big deal out of it. Do the research. There is no asbestos in popcorn after 1970. Take a test kit and out.

 

He needs to build a network and spread out his offerings and specialists - and modern techniques no one is doing in the area. That is how I would build a conscrion business. What do I know. I'm a retired professor. And I do all these tasks myself. Hope this helps hon. Yas

[SolG]

And I agree with Central that you really need to pinpoint what it is about this that really bothers you. And then discuss it all with your H.

 

It's incredibly common for tradesfolk--especially good ones--to venture out on their own and flounder. Being good at a trade doesn't mean that you'll be good at business. And you need both skill sets to be successfully self employed. Can he get a mentorship or some training to build his business acumen so he can in turn increase his income?

 

What does he actually want from being self employed? Is it important for him to be financially successful, or is it more about freedom and integrity for him? If it's predominately the latter, when you ask him to work or a company, you're actually asking him to compromise his values. Difficult :-/

 

Compatibility in financial goals and personalities is just as important as other facets of a relationship. If you're not, or can't become compatible in this area... it can make it very difficult to stay together.

[Art_Critic]

He works on his own,

 

By the sounds of it he isn't working that much ? one job a month.. what does he do the other 25 days of the month ?.. is this where your problem lies ?

[xxoo]

If finances are the main concern, will divorce help or hurt your financial situation? Will it help or hurt your children's financial situation?

 

I understand your frustration if he is doing work he enjoys but it is more of a hobby than a lucrative job, but divorce may have negative financial impacts for everyone long term.

 

A supportive husband and involved father is nothing to sneeze at. It he isn't actually a drain on the family finances, I might personally push the SAHD angle on him, and hope he'll relieve you of some home duties so you can advance at work. Let the carpentry thing bè a hobby that pays for itself.

[Popsicle]

My husband and I have been married for 13yrs. We got married when we were both in our early 20's. We have 2 kids both in that pre-teen stage. I work and am the breadwinner in the family, my husband is a builder and works for himself. He used to work for a company when we were first married but struck out on his own after about 3yrs.

I think that's when the problems started. I kept improving in my job etc. while he remained the same. I want a better life for me and the kids! It's not fair that I work so hard and I have to support the entire household on my own! In my mind if my H just got a job with a company we would be in a much better position. I've asked him to do so many times and he outright refuses. He always has great expectations but they never seem to work out. I've communicated to him about the way I feel, we've both talked about it, but it has not improved. I know my H is a good man, he loves me and the kids and he tries in his own way but I can't help feeling like he is holding me back from having the life that I know I could have with an equal partnership.

In the meantime I am taking care of my kids and my fear is that they are old enough to know their mum is really unhappy. I think that they are beginning to understand why I feel the way I do, but again, because my H is also a good father they cannot imagine us not being a family,while I can't imagine taking them away from him! I'm just so conflicted! Help please!

 

Does he make enough to support himself if he were living by himself?

 

Lady, there is no guarantee that you will find a man who will be your financial dream come true. Why you think this is automatic if you divorce is beyond me.

 

If your husband is making enough to support himself on his own, then you can not ask more of him. Well, you can ask for child support but that's it. Some people don't care about material things or money so much though that they will risk unhappiness to get it. Some people just want to be comfortable and happy and having more stuff and things does not equate to a better life.

 

If you have dreams of marrying rich, why did you even marry this guy?

[Gunny376]

And per your complaint? There's someone else that has the exact opposite complaint? Their DH is too much a company man, works too much, is a "workaholic"'

 

 

Oftentimes we need to stop and be thankful of what we've got instead of complaining about what we've not got, or what we could have. Its an easy trip down the lane ~ the aka "Rabbit Hole" of thinking?

[Gunny376]

And per your complaint? There's someone else that has the exact opposite complaint? Their DH is too much a company man, works too much, is a "workaholic"'

 

 

Oftentimes we need to stop and be thankful of what we've got instead of complaining about what we've not got, or what we could have. Its an easy trip down the lane ~ the aka "Rabbit Hole" of thinking?

 

 

Too often we as human being crave the 20% we're not getting from our mate/partners that its overwhelming tempting to forget about the 80% that they're bringing to the relationship table, and go after the "clown" that only has the 20% (BUT NOT THE 80%) to offer.

 

 

The Devil you know is better than the one than the one that you don't know!

 

 

But you know what? With time and PATIENCE! You can re-train his brain to your way of thinking, if you do it from the a position of serving the greater good, (Not just you, but the kids aka the family!

 

 

This isn't a divorce issue, this is a change of life, being adaptable as we go along, making up our own rules, improvising, adapting, and overcoming issue, ~ aka ~ MARRIAGE!

[twilight24]

While i appreciate all the comments on my situation I still do not believe its that "cut and dry". Its not a question of being wealthy or marrying for money. For the first 3years of our marriage my H had a job. We were not rolling in dough but we were comfortable!

Then he decided to try it solo - 10 years has gone by, and honestly I've come to realize that while my H is good at the technical part of his job he has absolutely no Business acumen whatsoever, worse yet, he won't even accept my help because his pride is telling him that I'll over-rule all his decisions and change everything. I havehave scrapped and saved to provide for us, I've begged & threatened & rationalized with my H about our finances all in the hopes that he would see that we could have better security if he were to find even a minimum wage job! Unfortunately for me he likes being his own boss so much he's willing to accept the loss of income rather than give up his independence.

Meanwhile I have to deal with everything else while he barely makes enough cash to support himself.

So my feeling stems from this - if my H has no significance on my family's financial well being and the only positive impact is his genuine love for our family then i need to get rid of my feelings of resentment for his failure to a good partner in this marriage and find a way to reconnect with my marriage.

[twilight24]

Continuing from my last post... As i said - should i try to make it work or do i cut my losses and find a way to move on without him and with the least trauma for the kids. They're both pre-teens and are very much loved by the both of us.

[trippi1432]

If she works a full time job and has the kids too...why is she expected to start his business or do his books for him? He is an adult who has checked out of being a co-parent and co-partner.

 

OP, you need to sit down and have the dreaded conversation. Let him know that this set up is not working out and you are unhappy. Tell him you are stressed and overwhelmed by having to be the breadwinner and take care of the children and you need him to go back to work where he gets a stable full time paycheck. I think his time has passed for him to make good on working for himself and contributing in any meaningful way or starting his own business. If he hasn't done it by now, he won't do it and you will be shouldering the childrearing and bread winning by yourself until your kids move out, then you will still be the breadwinner.

It is normal for you to want to give your children more, but remember that a good father and mother are exactly what they need, more stuff isn't as important. Still, you need a partner and he needs to step up either as the stay at home full time father where he does all appointments, shopping, caregiving and housecleaning or he needs to go back to work full time.

Burn out and feeling overwhelmed can destroy feelings and build untold resentment.

Best,

Grumps

 

When a woman is left to raise a family alone and be the only supporting partner to her husband...well, you get this, being a single mom is the life experience she is already used to. Why should she find the middle ground for both of them if he's not willing to find the middle ground for someone he is supposed to love as well?? She is just as important as him, I see now that selfishness destroys most marriages....but it neither masculine or feminine, if neither person puts the other first in a marriage, it falls apart. Marriage isn't always 50/50, but it should never be so skewed that someone is taking all the lumps either (gender excluded here).

 

My exH had absolutely NO business sense to go into business himself. In my last year of getting my Master's, I found a business that I was happy to invest in with a 100% profit in year 3 (damn that is good on the books), he wanted to quit his job to mow yards. Three big companies in our town had just laid off 5000 workers, 2500 of them were mowing yards..so my exH found a woman who would let him freeload and he hasn't had a real job in 3 years. But he gives her his paycheck and talks crap about her while he claims poverty...at least with me he kept 50% of his check. I might add that I was the materialistic one, no, I kept a f'ing roof and security over our heads and when a woman has to do that by herself, it's time for a man to take stock of his Catfish and Budweiser dreams as his value is diminished. How many men would come home to that as well without complaining and saying they want to be divorced?

 

The thing here is what Grumpy raised...burnout, it's when one person supports the other for so long that they are tired. It's also called taking things for granted...the ship sails because happy is being alone.

 

 

While i appreciate all the comments on my situation I still do not believe its that "cut and dry". Its not a question of being wealthy or marrying for money. For the first 3years of our marriage my H had a job. We were not rolling in dough but we were comfortable!

Then he decided to try it solo - 10 years has gone by, and honestly I've come to realize that while my H is good at the technical part of his job he has absolutely no Business acumen whatsoever, worse yet, he won't even accept my help because his pride is telling him that I'll over-rule all his decisions and change everything. I havehave scrapped and saved to provide for us, I've begged & threatened & rationalized with my H about our finances all in the hopes that he would see that we could have better security if he were to find even a minimum wage job! Unfortunately for me he likes being his own boss so much he's willing to accept the loss of income rather than give up his independence.

Meanwhile I have to deal with everything else while he barely makes enough cash to support himself.

So my feeling stems from this - if my H has no significance on my family's financial well being and the only positive impact is his genuine love for our family then i need to get rid of my feelings of resentment for his failure to a good partner in this marriage and find a way to reconnect with my marriage.

 

Continuing from my last post... As i said - should i try to make it work or do i cut my losses and find a way to move on without him and with the least trauma for the kids. They're both pre-teens and are very much loved by the both of us.

 

Personally, I think you have gotten some resentment on your thread...but this is LS and there are a lot of people who hurt here...heck, I give cheaters a bust in chops big time. Personally, I think the game has changed financially and women do have the better jobs..so men with less education and bigger prides take the road your husband is on. The problem is, he doesn't respect the role you play when you try to be a partner and pushing you out is not being a couple who supports each other. If he could support you and the value you bring to the marriage, you could support him. Pride is something that just destroys marriages and relationships.