MassiveAtom Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Lots of people deal with this one, me included. But I'd like to read some "expressions of anger" that are in your opinion, "inappropriate." Okay me first. Let me get angry about something. TRIGGER : "You don't know WHAT it takes to be a father -hands on- you're never here!! You always have something else to do!" MY Response: "What!? I DON'T understand that at all! Are you saying that just because I HAVE to work, I HAVE the set hours that my JOB requires, so I can keep it and provide for you all, that I'm not a good father!? Why do you have to judge first off, and secondly what makes you think you KNOW what a good father is?" Silence.... [color=blue]"Would you please say something?"[/color] Silence [color=red]"fine, don't talk to me. I feel COMPLETELY devalued, and unappreciated. I'm Really angry now, and I need a break from this.[/color][color=blue] Can we talk about it later when I'm not so pissed of, and you have a chance to think about it?"[/color] Silence..... I walk away. I think this whole thing is inappropriate because I'm expressing anger directly to the other person. I should redirect it elsewhere so that person is not inflicted with it. I also missed the original message, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Who's Trigger? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 je ne comprend pas french for: i don't understand Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale je ne comprend pas french for: i don't understand moi aussi Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 Please provide an unacceptable expression of anger. Ce n'est pas difficile. Mon dieu! Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 well She (trigger) could have said her part way better too. instead of getting defensive first, i.e. i HAVE to's.... Maybe ask her what she meant by that comment in the First place. Get her to site some specific examples of what She wants, and some examples of how You HAVE been a good father as well. She Did attack you first, but you bit right back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 Originally posted by tattoomytoe well She (trigger) could have said her part way better too. instead of getting defensive first, i.e. i HAVE to's.... Maybe ask her what she meant by that comment in the First place. Get her to site some specific examples of what She wants, and some examples of how You HAVE been a good father as well. She Did attack you first, but you bit right back. Hence my full comprehension of my reaction as an inappropriate expression of anger. Could you please provide one of your own? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 you want an example? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 Yup! Tell what you think is an inapproriate expression of anger. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Silence.... "Would you please say something?" Silence Silence can be an unacceptable expression of anger - classic passive-aggressive that is (I can be guilty of that one). Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky Who's Trigger? MA knows roy rogers horse??? Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 well i usually am passive. and i will do something deliberate to piss that person off....but in an indirect way. make sense? or i will spat sarcasm. or i will just be quiet. i am not good with anger at people, anger at my car, the snow, the tv...stuff like that, i usually yell and curse, sometimes i will kick the snow or my car, but that is about it. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 In both cases, the correct method for getting across the message is to use "I" sentences. Trigger: "I'm feeling really overburdened. I feel as though all the work falls to me and I'm tired and frustrated." Answer: "I thought I was doing my share. Tell me why you feel all the work falls to you?" Trigger: "I feel alone a lot. I find that I've been doing lots of work and by the time you arrive, I've done all the parenting." Answer: "I feel bad that you feel so tired and frustrated. I'm tired and frustrated, too; you know those people at work expect me to work from X to Y if I'm to keep my job. Would it help if we got help/hired a babysitter/etc" Person frustrated's job is to identify a problem in such a way that both can problem-solve together. Other person's job is to work with frustrated person as a team to sort out a solution. The enemy is neither person, but the situation that pressures them. They need to work together to resolve it. If Trigger's not into the scenario, then when Trigger hurls a sentence like that at you, the answer is 'You make me feel very bad when you say I'm a bad father. I feel bad that I have to work such long hours, but you know the job..." Turn the argument into problem-solving. Remember. The wounded creature bites. She attacked you out of her own troubles so if you understand that and undertake to help her solve her troubles, you'll defuse the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted February 12, 2005 Author Share Posted February 12, 2005 ACK!! Look people. Post an expression of anger, that you think is inappropriate! I know my example is inappropriate! JUST POST YOURS. PLEASE!!!??? I'm looking for examples. Like this. EXAMPLE. G*(DAMMIT< WHAT THE &*%^ is YOUR PROBLEM YOU F*(%^#&*(% BASTARD, YOU'RE WORTHLESS, YOU PIECE OF &*#$% Get what I'm saying? That's verbally abusive. It's inappropriate. Come on. Let's do this. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 Um. Why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted February 12, 2005 Author Share Posted February 12, 2005 Well Moi, Because I think It would be a really good thing for people who visit LS to see. Some people have real problems with expressing ANGER. I was villified for being angry, but I think it's just a natural human emotion. That people should be able to cope with. Personally I'm not all that certain that I DON't have an anger problem. SO I'm trying to get some impartial opinions about the subject in general. Whaddaya think? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 I think that while anger is 'natural', it's also toxic to one's body (literally) and therefore to be avoided if at all possible. Albert Ellis was all over people and reactions and how people can change their reactions to situations. Once you understand why people behave in ways that make you angry, you spend a lot less time being angry. Too, once you understand your neurotransmitters and how to tweak your own so that your moods are more balanced, that's another way to diminish instances of snappishness. I personally hate being angry and dislike myself when I'm cranky (though both happen only rarely) so one of my missions in life for myself is to conquer anger completely - or as close as I can get to it. Mind you, that doesn't mean I'll grin blithely at injustice or bigotry or horrid things people do to people, but in general people don't perpetrate injustices on me so it's just the occasional grumpiness is what I'm out to eliminate. Try reading some Ellis. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted February 12, 2005 Author Share Posted February 12, 2005 Ah well, I prefer the organic completeness that anger IS a part of. I think anger can be positive. I'll read Ellis, sounds interesting. Can you cite the name of a book? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 There's the basics of his theories: http://www.rebt.org/dr/pamphletofthemonth.asp Ellis titles: Anger: How to Live with and without it Albert Ellis, Ph.D. A Guide to Rational Living Albert Ellis, Ph.D. and Robert Harper, Ph.D. How to Control Your Anger Before It Controls You Albert Ellis, Ph.D. and Chip Tafrate, Ph.D. How to Make Yourself Happy and Remarkably Less Disturbable Albert Ellis, Ph.D. How to Stop Destroying Your Relationships: A Guide to Enjoyable Dating, Mating and Relating Albert Ellis, Ph.D. and Robert A. Harper, Ph.D. How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything Yes, Anything! Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Overcoming Destructive Beliefs, Feelings and Behaviors Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Sex without Guilt in the 21st Century Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Feeling Better, Getting Better, Staying Better Albert Ellis, Ph.D. A Guide to Personal Happiness Albert Ellis and Irving Becker How to Live with a Neurotic Albert Ellis, Ph.D. How to Cope with a Fatal Illness Albert Ellis, Ph.D. and Michael Abrams, Ph.D. The Art and Science of Rational Eating Albert Ellis, Ph.D., Michael Abrams, Ph.D. and Lidia Dengelegi, Ph.D. How to Control Your Anxiety Before It Controls You Albert Ellis, Ph.D. And other REBT practitioners: The 60-Second Shrink Arnold A. Lazarus, Ph.D. and Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D. SOS Help for Emotions: Managing Anxiety, Anger and Depression Lynn Clark, Ph.D. Think Your Way to Happiness Windy Dryden, Ph.D. and Jack Gordon Three Minute Therapy: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life Michael Edelstein, Ph.D. with David R. Steele, Ph.D. You Can Change How You Feel Gerald Kranzler, Ph.D. Rational Counseling Primer Howard Young, M.S.W. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted February 12, 2005 Author Share Posted February 12, 2005 well.... I could be wrong! thanks Moi! Link to post Share on other sites
nattfodd Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 If someone says something to me, intending to hurt me and anger me, and I snap back with something cruel to say, or throw something in that person's general direction, that person damn well deserved it. Verbal abuse is a part of life. I think that most people can ignore hurtful words, or at least realize that anger causes hateful things to be said. Silly psychobabble books. Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 If someone says something to me, intending to hurt me and anger me, and I snap back with something cruel to say, or throw something in that person's general direction, that person damn well deserved it. Verbal abuse is a part of life. I think that most people can ignore hurtful words, or at least realize that anger causes hateful things to be said. note to self: if new acquaintance says his screen name is nattfodd, run far and fast. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 Geez, I hope verbal abuse is not a part of life. Many here know that it has been, on and off, present in my relationship. My fiance swears and yells at me, and gets angry. Reason? I suffer Obsessive compulsive disorder, and basically drive him to distraction. To a point where his defense is anger. It's up to BOTH of us to modify our behaviour therefore. He needs to find a different way of responding, I need to learn to respect him if he asks me to "stop", and also control my obsessive questioning. We are getting there, most certainly. Anger has not been completely eradicated however. In part, on his side, it's almost a habit now to react with certain words. To him, they are a way to vent, and let off steam at the time. To me, they are hurtful and disrespectful. To him, of course, he is responding to me going on and on about something. He finds that disrespectful and upsetting. To me, I am simply expressing my feelings at length (or caught in an obsessive cycle). Example: Me: do you mind if I buy that extra xxxxx for the wedding?, i think it would be good, and worth it. I dont like the one I orginally bought as much now (we are savign hard for a lot of travel plans and our wedding, and our budget is tight) HIm: well, you probably should have checked the first one, better- it's a bit irritating. But OK, if you want to get something else, go ahead Me: (feeling anxious because he said he was irritated and because I have a bad habit of wanting reconfirm every point made) "well, I dont see why you should be irritated...obviously i didnt realise when I got the first one that it wouldnt be right. Are you annoyed? HIm: I just told you, it's a little irritating, but it's fine. I dont mind. Me: (unable to drop it) well i dont know why it's irritating. I wouldnt be irritated in the reverse, if you had to get something else HIm: Ok fine. can you leave it now? Me: well, I just want to know, that you arent annoyed (by this stage, I am not being very rational, and am "stuck" on a thought pattern Him : (reached the end of his tether now) I just said am not annoyed, you F*ckwit...now leave. it. alone. me: dont call me names him: well leave.me.alone. me: (leave him alone)...well, I hope you'll say sorry later. I am sorry I went on (a little while later) him: sorry I swore me: sorry I went on (******************) we recover from these things much more quickly now, and they usually dont blow up into a full scale fight. he swears much less, I go on much less. I could have left it. He could have hugged me and told me it was OK. Both of us could have done better. But at least we got to the right place in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted February 13, 2005 Author Share Posted February 13, 2005 AH, So it's acceptable if the behavior patterns are in process of changing and that acceptance of each other is full. Nah, he shouldn't have called you a name, but I find it entirely within the realm of acceptability that the other is able to forgive, and the offender is able to be remorseful. It's inappropriate, but forgiveable. Sheesh, he sounds like me, without the namecalling. Sa anyone, anymore about verbal abuse? How does it look in real life? Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted February 13, 2005 Share Posted February 13, 2005 I could provide you with plenty of examples! lol usually thought I dont get angry, I get upset. I did get angry the other night, and it was odd, to simply feel mad, and not be crying. I felt slightly less vulnerable, but I didnt really enjoy the feeling at all. Either way your emotions have the better of you. Some degree of anger is normal in life I think. The problem is when anger becomes common, or a frequent coping mechanism. Then things need to change. Link to post Share on other sites
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