Lingering Grief 5 years later

[Chihawk]

I was divorced after over 15 years of marriage, nearly 20-year relationship.

 

I had worked extremely hard in a relationship for which I always had much more enthusiasm than she did. Then she had an affair and left me. I desperately tried to hold the marriage and family together, but failed. My family was ripped apart, i lost and was betrayed by my best friend and to top it all off, I lost half my assets and was stuck paying alimony and child support to the person who betrayed me. I took it very hard, but I have a good life with a fine career and many terrific friends. I worked very hard in therapy and overall in life to process the grief, put the pieces together and rebuild my life. Though I think i was hit harder than most initially, I think I am really strong and well balanced at this point, and doing exceptionally well.

 

I've dated actively and had a lot of fun, and also some quality relationships which really boosted my esteem after the demeaning nature of my marriage. I'm currently in a very serious relationship I hope and expect will be enduring.

 

I make a conscious effort to minimize contact with my ex. We have children. I go out of my way to be cooperative. Her old patterns of trying to take advantage of me continues, and while I resent it, I have become pretty good (though far from perfect) at setting my own boundaries and firmly refusing things that are out of line. Aside from contact regarding parenting, I completely avoid her. I am always civil and try to be polite, but that is it. She regularly tries to engage me in some chit chat or ask favors of me. If it does not relate to the kids I politely decline or completely ignore the request.

 

Here's my problem. There is a big part of me that still misses her. I used to have frequent dreams where I was angry with her and shouted at her and gave her a piece of my mind. But now, I have occasional dreams where I am talking to a 3rd party (or sometimes her) and I am despondent and describing how much I miss her and how devastating it has been to lose her. I waked up from these dreams so depressed and sad with this deep sense of loss. This is literally nuts because I know I was badly taken advantage of in our relationship, and I know I could never have a healthy relationship (reconciliation) with her. Rationally, I dont want one and would not even consider it. I know that I am much better off to have been liberated from a very awful situation.

 

But somewhere in there, there is this lingering grief. This bothers me.

 

Does anyone understand this, who could share some insight? Or are there others who have this kind of experience?

[2sunny]

Yes, it makes sense.

 

Been there - done that.

 

I stopped handing him all my power. I came to realize he wasn't who I THOUGHT he was.

 

I had to decide what was best for me and how to go about it. I did a lot of work with a very skilled trauma counselor.

 

He will never be the man I thought he could be. He's a liar and a cheater. He stole 23 years from me but it my fault because I allowed it. I can't change my past. I don't do well with controlling or mean men now. I know I don't tolerate it for one minute.

 

I have healthy boundaries that keep me happy, healthy and safe. I deserve that.

 

I'm good to myself. I expect others to be good to me too - or I eliminate them quickly.

 

My ex? He still dreams of us together. He can't believe he messed it up so bad. He wants his old life back. But he will never change - he's still the liar and cheat to his new wife too - so things don't change - I'm glad it's not me.

 

I want nothing to do with him. He's invisible to me and I like it that way. I don't usually think of him or spend any energy on him.

 

I took my power back about 6-1/2 years ago. It nearly killed me when I was handing him all my power. I'll never go back to that hell again.

 

I get to LIVE again!!! I can't change my past - but I can learn from it. And I can make my life better living in the now. And I look forward to changes that come my way - change brings hope.

 

Your dreams are your indication that you have unresolved issues to address. They are taking up too much space in your head. Maybe a counselor can help you let go of what's on your mind.

Edited June 1, 2014 by 2sunny

[Yasuandio]

As a regular - on the site, I don't think I have ever seen 2Suuny open up this much. It pretty much says it. She is a year and 1/2 half ahead of me. I'm am starting to get myself. I married in 1985, met spouse in 1980. Separated in December 2008 - with protracted divorce that concluded in a hidious trial August 2012.

 

You feelings are not unusual. Look how long your bond was, all 3 of us has a bond with our spouses in marriage 23 or more years. That is 3/4 or more of our adult life. It is devistavating. If you can't make it -- you gotta fake till you make it. Sunny2 is there, I'm somewhere in between. You are somewhere in beteen. It is not a good thing, period.

 

You mentioned a signignifant other but did not elaborate. What is the story with that? I'm not even there. My spouse left me so damaged, I am coping with a serious mental illness. Try you best to have gratitude for what you have that is good - perhaps like your kids. It is choice to NOT ALLOW the ex to push your buttons (that she installed. Wise up on that with therapy as 2Sunny suggested. Always remember it could be much worse. Yas

[2sunny]

I started my separation in 2005. Our divorce was final late 2007. I started getting better mid 2008 after some serious work on myself.

 

The years between 2005-2008 were a living hell. I nearly drank myself to death I was so sad/mad/disappointed - I didn't know what to do without being married to a man I thought I'd always be with.

 

I hope you can find a way to be happy - we all deserve that.

[Trimmer]

Wow, there are so many echoes of my own situation in this thread. Separated first in 2005, after about 18 total years together, 13 of them married. Several hell years ensued, completed divorce in 2008. I take great pains to be supportive, cordial, and cooperative in my role as father and co-parent, but don't have any desire to have any contact or interaction outside of that role. Mostly moved on with a good life, but still get a bit stuck every once in a while.

 

The loss you mourn is a real thing. It's the loss of something that was real, which is now gone, much like the death of a person. Do you really ever "just get over" a death? No - part of life is that we will always carry with us the echoes (that word again) of the good times as well as the losses. We move on as the sum total of all those experiences, including the losses.

 

I understand what you mean when you said although you wouldn't even want to get back together NOW, you can still feel this grief at the loss. I think what I grieve is the loss of "what was" (or possibly more accurately, "what I thought it was...") and the future I imagined we still had ahead of us when it all came apart.

 

So I'm just rambling on here - kinda triggered by everyone's contributions to the thread, and I had to go back and read your OP again to see what you were even asking. I'm not at all against the idea of working with a therapist if you feel like this is crippling you (and I got great benefits from therapy myself) but I guess I would also ask a perspective question: does the grief bother you because you just think it should be gone and never show itself again? Or is it really intruding and interfering with your life?

 

Is it possible that these are just losses that we will carry around with us - like the loss of a parent, say - that we can put into perspective and put in their place, and they may pop up strongly every once in a while, but they're a part of our personal history, part of what makes us who we are, and a part of what has brought us to the here and now? Is it possible that by accepting that our grief at the loss of something real is "OK," for lack of a more descriptive term, we can demystify it and take away its power over us?

 

(Please be clear, though: I'm absolutely not arguing against working on it in therapy, if you feel it would help - just offering another view.)

Edited June 1, 2014 by Trimmer

[Beechy1973]

I feel for you and can empathise.

 

I'm in a similar situation - 20 yrs, 2 kids and a wife who was unfaithful and who over the course of 2 years completely changed into someone cold, promiscuous, manipulative and, in a word, toxic.

 

I still struggle now; I think I am angry at myself for having stayed with her so long, despite knowing deep down things weren't right. I feel bitter that those 20 years were spent with someone who has turned out so unpleasant, and that I have to have ongoing involvement with due to children.

 

I also try and have little involvement with her despite her trying to reel me in to gain control, and obtain some narcissistic kick. I still find myself getting drawn in at times and then kick myself for being soft.

 

Despite my feelings and grasp of reality, I too find it hard to forget and spend far too much time and energy thinking about her, who she is with, is she having a better time than me, etc. I wish I could forget but maybe I have to accept that it's going to take me longer.

 

I've had some superb relationships since with lovely and caring women with integrity and who have really loved me; difficult to move on with them though when I'm still holding a torch for the ex.

 

As another poster has said; if the aim is to feel completely indifferent then maybe that's an unreal expectation. Learning to live with some sense of loss or befuddlement may be more realistic.

 

I can't ever imagine really moving on fully. I certainly don't want any reconciliation. Part of me believes her coming begging back to me and for me to subsequently reject her may help heal me, but I know deep down it wouldn't really help.

 

For me, I have to believe that time heals. The last 2 years have definitely helped but it's still like I'm on a roller coaster at times.

 

Be kind to yourself. It sounds from your post you've done brilliantly and you should be proud.

[No Limit]

I have no experiences of value to you to share, but I'd just like to tell how you much I admire you how you handle your ex.

Most people get hit by the train and barely get back on their knees afterwards.

[Chihawk]

Thank you for the kind, thoughtful and very relevant replies. How comforting to know that others face similar situations--some strikingly similar!--and emerge with a sense of grace and wisdom.

 

Beechy, in particular, struck some resonant chords because I certainly share regret for not removing myself from a terrible situation before spending precious years. And the explanation does indeed have elements of narcissism and co-dependency.

 

I thank Trimmer for the very insightful reminders of the enduring nature of grief, which fades but doesn't go away, and remains part of who we are; our story.

 

The answer to your question, Trimmer, is also the answer to Yasuandio's. I don't think these feelings intrude much on my life, except I am working to sort them out in my current relationship. I had a sort of delusional image of my ex, holding her up on a pedestal. I think I have a very realistic and healthy image of my current SO. She is a wonderful, patient, beautiful, smart, accomplished, loving person. And, most of all, she is real, not a delusional construct. I have to keep that clear in my head and not find my current SO wanting due to an unrealistic standard. This is one of the things that disturbs me about the lingering yearning for my ex. Her intrusions on my feelings are unwelcome as I am building a healthy relationship with someone who is very real and terrific.

 

Thanks again. Your posts have helped lead me to this powerful insight.

[Tom amoss]

I haven’t sucked my thumb for 35 years or more, but if I suck my thumb it feels natural, if I suck my other thumb it feels weird.

 

Ok thumb sucking is not in anyway a good comparison to how a relationship death feels, only to say that your body and mind remember a lot.

 

There is so much our ex’s were part of our lives that it becomes part of who you are. Our experience with them will always be part of us.

 

I don’t know if this is helping and not advice at all, because I am still dealing with my own grief.

 

But it seems to me that what you feel can only be normal.

 

We don’t have much control of what our mind dream about or even think about, and our bodies remembers a lot more than we would like it too.

 

I too think that you have done externally well, I will be so so glad if I can be where you are one day.

 

Tom

[LittleTiger]

Yes, I can definitely empathise.

 

My husband left me six years ago, we divorced in 2010. I'm very happily engaged to a new partner now, but I still miss my ex husband at times.

 

We were friends for 40 years, together for 14 years and married for 10. So many things I do still remind me of him.

 

Even worse than that, he died suddenly last year, and I'm now grieving his death too. It would have been his 50th birthday two days ago.

 

I expect I will always feel his loss, from my life and from this world. I certainly don't want to feel indifferent about somebody who was so important in my life for so long.

 

Everybody grieves in their own way and at their own pace. What you're feeling sounds completely understandable to me - I hope the pain eases for you soon.

Edited June 1, 2014 by LittleTiger

[Gunny376]

When an individual actually loses an appendage, an arm or a leg? They can still "feel" it as though it were still there. This is primary believe to because of severed nerve endings and connections etc. But they still have "Ghost" feelings for the lost appendage.

 

 

That's primarily what your feeling. I won't comfort you with the thought that they ~ these feelings will pass. You never forget? But you do in time learn to live with the thoughts and memories. Its like "scar tissue" over the mind ~ the pyche, the Id, the emotional state of mind.

 

 

Keep on "Keeping On" the way you've been doing and you'll do just fine!

 

 

Do you think for a second that Rose Kennedy ever got over the way her two sons were killed? Not for a second, but she herself said that the "scar tissue" eventually allowed her to at least learn to live with it, even if she was never in the course of her long life was able to accept it!

[M30USA]

Yes, I can definitely empathise.

 

My husband left me six years ago, we divorced in 2010. I'm very happily engaged to a new partner now, but I still miss my ex husband at times.

 

We were friends for 40 years, together for 14 years and married for 10. So many things I do still remind me of him.

 

Even worse than that, he died suddenly last year, and I'm now grieving his death too. It would have been his 50th birthday two days ago.

 

I expect I will always feel his loss, from my life and from this world. I certainly don't want to feel indifferent about somebody who was so important in my life for so long.

 

Everybody grieves in their own way and at their own pace. What you're feeling sounds completely understandable to me - I hope the pain eases for you soon.

 

Gosh, when I read posts like this, I think to myself, "What is life?"

[Speakingofwhich]

Been there, too. Married for seventeen years, together for nineteen years.

 

Guess I'm the worst case to post so far.

 

He left in 1987. I've continued to have dreams about him leaving until a year ago. They were so real that when I woke up I would feel awful and have to reprocess the grief (not as bad as it was when he left but bad enough). Fortunately, I had only three or four a year.

 

He's been out of my life for most of these years but recently began attending family functions with my sons and their families. I was amazed at how natural it felt to have him there. His third wife (I was wife #1) just died last month so both of us were there single. Someone asked if he was my husband and I replied, "No." And he responded, "Used to be."

 

I think the dreams are over with, though.

[Popsicle]

I can understand missing the marriage and grieving that, but missing her when you have someone else who's, according to you, good to you? I don't get that.

[2sunny]

I can understand missing the marriage and grieving that, but missing her when you have someone else who's, according to you, good to you? I don't get that.

 

Has to do with what is his sense of "normal" and more likely his family of origin.

 

Serious work with a counselor can often overcome that perspective that it doesn't need to be viewed as "normal".

 

Usually exercises in visualizing what is ideal FOR HIM will determine a NEW sense of what is right for HIM.

 

I had to unlearn everything I was taught. Then learn a way that worked for ME. Not the way that "others" thought I should believe and think and do.

 

This was for ME to learn what makes me happy - not based on what others deemed happy FOR me.

 

Have you read the four agreements by Ruiz?

[LittleTiger]

Gosh, when I read posts like this, I think to myself, "What is life?"

 

I've given up trying to work that one out!

[LittleTiger]

I can understand missing the marriage and grieving that, but missing her when you have someone else who's, according to you, good to you? I don't get that.

 

I believe we love different people in different ways and for different reasons. Which means it's perfectly possible to miss a previous partner while falling in love and being happy with a new one.

 

In my own case, my ex is a part of me and always will be. I met him when I was seven years old and he (and our marriage) played a huge part in shaping the person I am today. I don't see it as being different from missing a close friend or family member who is no longer around.

 

The human capacity for love is immeasurable. We don't have to stop loving for one person to make room in our hearts for another.

[health]

Chihawk - If you have grief 5 years later, it just means you have a little more

healing to do. It's tough to forget when you've been intimate with someone so long.

 

I am over 5 and half years past my break up. I healed and have dated, but am single now as well.

 

WIth the social media/twiter facebook thing - all that added a new complexity.

As I said I wouldn't check on what she's doing - but when I get triggered, I do.

 

My triggers are

- Uncertainty

- getting rejected by new girls I like

 

For the most part I healed alot, and recently went back to and finished college.

The uncertainty now of not fininding a job made me think of her.

 

My main focus is finding work.

 

Keep going. Focus on growth.

[Mr. Lucky]

But now, I have occasional dreams where I am talking to a 3rd party (or sometimes her) and I am despondent and describing how much I miss her and how devastating it has been to lose her. I waked up from these dreams so depressed and sad with this deep sense of loss.

I think you're misinterpreting the dreams. You're not missing her, your subconscious is processing the loss of your marriage - two very different things.

 

I have a very similar dream on occasion about my first girlfriend. And while the dreams vary, the palpable sense of yearning I feel when waking does not. It's loss, sadness and regret all rolled into one. Powerful stuff but I've come to understand that it's symbolic rather than specific to her. Probably as I get older, more about youth than anything else.

 

Look at it this way. 20 years is a big data file. Your mind is zipping it and looking for the appropriate folder...

 

Mr. Lucky