girlfriend going to Africa for 2 years

[user]

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year now...not long I know, but my feelings for her are strong and I feel very commited to her. When we met, she mentioned that she was applying to the peace corps, and a month or so ago, she found out she is going to Africa for 2 years in June.

 

Externally, I support her and know it is a great opportunity she should certainly pursue, but internally, I can't help but interpret it as a rejection. I feel like if she felt as strongly as I do, she wouldn't be able to willingly separate herself from me for so long.

 

The idealist in me wants to see the same hopeless romantic in my mate, where the love is so strong that the one cannot remove themself from the other (relatively speaking of course). And challenging that is the realist in me, who knows that the relationship will likely wither during that time due to the geographic distance, time span, and differing directions of personal growth we will each endure. I'm afraid that when she returns, she'll be different and we'll have grown apart due to the absence, and I'll have wasted that time waiting for her.

 

I know her feelings for me are strong, but a part of me feels like prolonging the relationship is a waste of time. I'm looking for commitment, and though I'm confident she would commit to me were this event not taking place, it is. She says that she needs me and my support during her time there, but I know I'll be unable and perhaps unwilling to sustain this long-distance relationship. We've talked about it, and it usually ends up in an argument. I need someone to hold, touch and be intimate with, and though I don't like to admit, I know I'll end up resenting her for not being there for me. She knows I might find someone else while she's gone, and seems okay with it, and we've even agreed to "find each other" when she gets back, but I'm still confused about the whole situation.

 

What should I do? Am I being unrealistic here? Help!

[Israfil]

I have known several people who have entered the Peace Core, so my response to you is based on knowing their experiences:

 

I am inclined to believe that your thinking is correct. Given your age (twenties I am guessing?) and the fact that you really have made no long-term commitments to this woman, its ridiculous to maintain an LDR at that distance. More importantly than the distance is the almost complete absence of communication with each other that you will both have to endure, as I am almost positive e-mail, phones, and even snail mail will be virtually unavailable.

 

The way I see it, your relationship with her is going to suffer because of this either way. It is already suffering because she has chosen her own personal growth over her relationship with you – which is probably the right decision for her. If you don’t emotionally allow for her to go and support her time for personal growth, then you will stifle her and most likely ruin your relationship anyway.

 

You are right in that you will both grow to be completely different people after those two years, especially her. But I do think that after she returns, if you still have feelings for her, and she for you, then a relationship is definitely worth pursuing at that time.

 

One more thing: have you ever considered going with her?

[user]

Thanks for the wise words and quick reply. I can't go with her because she's going to an African speaking country, and I don't speak the language.

 

I'm still conflicted as to what to do now. I know staying in the relationship or ending it comes down to a personal decision, but it's a damned confusing one. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick and there is a fundamental unbalance that hangs over our heads, despite the mutual appreciation and love we have for each other. In some ways, it seems like the relationship is a convenience for her, as she is afforded the benefits of having closeness and intimacy in her life without being burdened with the need to sustain it once she leaves.

 

Further complicating the equation is her history. It's not so much that she has had many relationships, but that she has transitioned between them with little space in between. While she has said more than once that she feels she dedicates herself to our relationship much more than those in her past and it eclipses them in that way, I can't help but see her impending departure as a sort of comfort in that she is indirectly pardoned from having to personally commit, and for that reason, not much different than them at all.

 

Fundamentally, I am having difficulty reconciling the degree to which proloning a relationship with the knowledge that it will soon end opposes my idea of what it means to be with somebody.

[user]

is it wrong/selfish to demand companionship and a physical prescence from a relationship? are there some people that simply don't thrive in long-distance situations?

[moimeme]

as I am almost positive e-mail, phones, and even snail mail will be virtually unavailable.

 

They do have power in Africa and why on earth wouldn't there at least be snail mail???

 

she's going to an African speaking country

 

No such thing and you'd be astonished how many people in many countries speak English.

 

is it wrong/selfish to demand companionship and a physical prescence from a relationship? are there some people that simply don't thrive in long-distance situations

 

Apparently. It seems some people can manage fine without physical contact but others absolutely have to have it.

[tokyo]

I can only support Moimeme´s opinion. In most African countries they do speak English or French, I don´t think they only speak some wild tribe dialect.... And even if they didn´t speak any language that you know, if your girlfriend is able to master their language why can´t you?

 

I´m also very sure that they have power supply, internet and snail mail. I knew a guy who was working in Nigeria for a NOG. He didn´t have internet that often, for whatever reasons, but I did get emails from him once in a while. I don´t really think that staying in contact would be an absolute impossibility, maybe more of a challenge depending on where she will be.

 

I think one possible reason why people think that they can´t survive without the physical presence of their partner is that they deep inside have doubts of their own about their relationship and what really keeps them together when they go beyond the physical aspect of their relationship. It´s the fear that while you are waiting for someone you are missing out chances and opportunities and that you have to fight the temptation of lust without even really knowing if it´s worth it, your partner could not be the love of your life and then you would have lost opportunities and there´s not guarantee that she will stay faithful as well. It´s about missing the physical intimacy as well as the fear of missing out on opportunities.

[Israfil]

Originally posted by user

is it wrong/selfish to demand companionship and a physical prescence from a relationship? are there some people that simply don't thrive in long-distance situations?

 

No, it is not selfish. In fact, I think it is healthy for you to be able to identify your needs, and like most people, physical presence is important to you. There is no shame in that.

 

Having been in LDR's, I can attest to the fact that they don't thrive unless there is an end in site. In your case, there is an end, but will the relationship endure? Also, when you are in an LDR, and one such as yours with such little contact, tendencies may develop where you begin to create mythologies around the other person – imagining their feelings and thoughts as they relate to you. This can be very dangerous and creates a skewed or even false projection of the other person. Also, if your relationship endures, she will likely return a different person, completely different to one who left you, and utterly different to the one you conceived in your mind.

 

 

Originally posted by moimeme

They do have power in Africa and why on earth wouldn't there at least be snail mail???

 

I am rather well traveled and, as I stated previously, have had many friends and colleagues enter the Peace Core. There is a chance she will be placed in a major city, but the likelihood is that she will be placed in a remote village where there will be no power – thus no e-mail, etc. Also, often there are no phones. A friend of mine was in Nicaragua for the Peace Core (yes, I know this is not Africa – but) and he was in such a village. No power, no running water etc. He had to travel three hours to the nearest city once a month so he could mail a stool sample back to the US. That was the only day he had access to any technology whatsoever.

 

User, perhaps you could give us some more information as to the exact nature of her work in Africa? Has she been placed yet?

 

Keep us updated.

[user]

Yes I made a mistake in the earlier post, she is going to a West-African French-speaking country, and going with her is not an option because I don't 1., speak the language, 2. have the matching skillset, 3. have the desire to go at all.

 

While I would make every effort to try maintaining an LDR with her once she leaves, I'm confident the abscence of the physical element will be so difficult for me that the relationship will go south. Companionship is important to me, and while I would and should be able to do without that for a time, two years seems too extreme, especially when the relationship is relatively young. Even though I may not find someone during the time shes gone and thus, could be available to her and the relationship, it will still feel unbalanced to me without the intimacy and contact. Although I could certainly try the LDR, a part of me would rather be true to myself and be able to stand up for my unmet needs, however much it'll hurt.

 

I don't know if I should stay with her until she leaves and try the LDR, or consumate these feelings by ending the relationship and telling her that a byproduct of her decision to leave is that it is taking the relationship in a direction I'm not willing to go. I love her very much, and that, of course, is the most difficult part about it. To me, her decision to leave is also an unconcious decision to end the relationship, because of the geographical, temporal, cultural distance it will create between us. She says she loves me, and puts stock in the belief that if is meant to be it will work, but that opion puts all the weight on me, i.e., "If you don't find someone else while I'm gone, we'll continue to love each other." To me that's unfair, since it is her decision to leave that will make me feel isolated, lonely and distant enough to seek out someone else.

[tokyo]

As I see it you are not willing to meet her needs at all, neither by trying to learn the language nor by trying to find ways to join her. Maybe you don´t want to, because she had decided on her own to go and did not ask for your permission, but you should remember that had happened before she met you.

 

You may be great and whatsoever, but should she give up her plans and dreams for you? You could have get used to the idea of her wanting to go and you could have tried ways to support her and maybe even go with her, instead now you complain that she is leaving and you are resenting her for pursuing her plans. I understand that you feel sad when you feel that you are not the most important thing in someone´s mind and that you get sacrificed for something else, but I also see you insisting that only one way is right and that´s for her to stay with you.

 

Maybe it´s a vicious circle, maybe she thinks that you don´t support her and that you are not the right one for her and that´s why she is even more adamant about leaving which makes you in return think that she doesn´t love you as much as you love her or as she should.

 

If I were you, I would talk with her again. Tell her your fears, but tell her also that you want support her dreams.