When is it too early to get engaged?

[DitzyPanda]

My girlfriend and I are going to college in different states (about 12 hours away from each other). I'm signed up for spring semester because my training for the army will last until November and she starts school in October. We've been together 1 out of 4 of the years we've known each other. I've decided that with the money I'll be getting during basic, I will save most of it to buy her an engagement ring.

 

We really love each other; having struggled through her racist family's expectations successfully confirms that she really cares about me and always making an effort to help and talk to her shows her that I really care about her.

 

Our question is if it's too early for an engagement? Having only graduated high school, but being together for a year, is it still too early to consider a long engagement until after college?

 

I've read that a lot of couples get engaged after a year, but what about high school sweethearts? Does it really matter as long as there is love? I'm definitely not going to marry her until I can afford our own place, but yeah.

[d0nnivain]

There's no universal answer to your question.

 

At your young ages, there are reasons to have a long engagement -- to get to know each other, to finish your educations, to save money for the wedding etc.

 

Since you are military, there are reasons to get married sooner but you have to make sure that both your head & heart are on the same page. Being deployed takes a huge toll on many marriages. It's very hard for young women to be left home alone while her husband if off fighting. The money is not that great. When kids come along she's essentially a single mom.

[veggirl]

One year is too soon unless you are like 30+.

 

At your age, ANY amount of dating time is still too soon. Wait until you are at least 25.

 

By your post it sounds like you are 19 or 20 at the most...dude the people who are divorced at 26 are the ones who married at 20. You are LDR you haven't even spent enough time in an in-person romantic relationship with her. Save your money and FORGET THE RING.

 

Why, exactly, do you need to be engaged/married? Why can't you continue to just date?

[carhill]

What's your plan to live together as man and wife, as a legal entity? That's what marriage is about. If you propose, what's your plan? Right now, you can easily continue to date and surely love and be loved. As long as you each focus on the other, nothing can separate you. Marriage is a legal and/or religious affirmation of that unity. It doesn't define the unity. That definition will always reside within yourself and your mate.

 

At your age, my old having been married man tip would be to loom large on the promise and modest on the hardware (engagement ring). You can always upgrade later. The promise is the important part.

[MissBee]

In my opinion (as well as based on studies) most people who marry before the age of 25 (which is also when your brain fully develops) end up divorcing at a higher rate than those who marry as more established adults.

 

It makes sense, as I'm in my twenties, but the people I thought I loved and the things I thought I wanted at 18 are soooo bizarre to me now. Generally, your early adult years see you growing A LOT in terms of values, beliefs, learning who you are, learning about love etc. and thus it stands to reason that often people who marry at this time may grow apart as they change so much between that age and even mid to late twenties.

 

I cannot imagine if I ever married anyone at that age it would have worked or would have been what I now want. My 2 cents: there is no rush. Being together with someone a year as a teenager still isn't that long and the younger you are the longer you should wait is my advice. Of course things could all work out well for you...but why rush?

 

If you don't plan to marry until you can buy a house why propose now? Can you buy a house next year? Personally, I would be focused on getting my degree and working on my career goals in college and then if my bf and I are still together 4 years later, then we can get engaged and most likely will have jobs and can start saving for our wedding and a house etc after. That makes sense to me. Get her a promise ring if anything and then if you guys are still going strong, you can propose her senior year of college and get married after graduation...you'll be a lot more stable by then, both as a couple with a lot more history under your belts as well as you will be older and the prospect of having a career and money and making a life will be more realistic.

Edited June 1, 2014 by MissBee

[pink_sugar]

A long engagement prior to marriage is better than rushing into marriage right now. I actually knew someone who was engaged all through college and got married when she and her fiance graduated. The worst thing that can happen is that you call off the engagement if things do not work out. I wouldn't seriously start wedding planning though until you're really ready to get married. Honestly though, it's not really an "engagement" until you are wedding planning. My advice would be to get her a promise ring, rather than an engagement ring to show your level of commitment. And then in a few years, when you're near graduation, you can decide if you want to take it to the next level and propose and then begin wedding planning and set a date. But right now, announcing to all your relatives that you're "engaged" but won't be getting married for another 3-4 years seems silly.

Edited June 2, 2014 by pink_sugar

[soccerrprp]

DitzyPanda,

 

1. Ignore the "your brain hasn't fully developed" until some age silliness. People have been making such decisions for thousands of years at your age and continue to do so with success. Maturity is important. I've seen in at all ages and many earlier than 25 or whatever the "studies" say. I didn't do some of the dumb-a$$ things (including many of my friends) during our 20s that so many people like to excuse or explain by simply stating that their brains were not fully formed yet. What matters most is how you make decisions, maturity, etc. Fully formed or no, not everyone 20-something is going to make mistakes in their 20s.

2. In saying that, I do think you are too young, too soon for an engagement. If you are not ready to marry her when you propose, then you shouldn't propose. This, especially if the engagement is going to be for years.

3. LDR are rough. Your age, the distance, the very likelihood that you both will be engaged in different social groups, settings make it really difficult to stay committed. It can happen, but....

 

I really agree with some others. Continue dating LDR and see what happens. Don't commit too much.

[d0nnivain]

Did everybody here miss the part where Ditzy Panda was joining the military? In that instance because of the resources which then become available to a spouse which are not offered to a GF there is some reason to consider a young marriage.

 

Military marriages are subject to even higher rates of divorce, but most of my husband's buddies from the Marines are still married even though they all got married 20+ years ago when they were all 18-19.

 

If you are mature enough to pick a life based on service, & all that sacrafices that can potentially entail, with a bit of guidance from those who love & know you best, I think you are mature enough to decide whether you are ready to get married.

 

Give her family's racism once you are deployed I'm not sure she's going to get a lot of support at home. Where does that factor into your decision? Have you talked to your commanding officer? Can that person recommend a family counselor? Don't go into this based on love alone but your age is only one factor in the decision

[pink_sugar]

Did everybody here miss the part where Ditzy Panda was joining the military? In that instance because of the resources which then become available to a spouse which are not offered to a GF there is some reason to consider a young marriage.

 

Military marriages are subject to even higher rates of divorce, but most of my husband's buddies from the Marines are still married even though they all got married 20+ years ago when they were all 18-19.

 

If you are mature enough to pick a life based on service, & all that sacrafices that can potentially entail, with a bit of guidance from those who love & know you best, I think you are mature enough to decide whether you are ready to get married.

 

Give her family's racism once you are deployed I'm not sure she's going to get a lot of support at home. Where does that factor into your decision? Have you talked to your commanding officer? Can that person recommend a family counselor? Don't go into this based on love alone but your age is only one factor in the decision

 

I agree with this sentiment and it's true. I actually know a girl my age who has been married and divorced twice before 25. She was in the air force. I say getting married young isn't the worst you can do, there is always divorce and it's not the end of the world. I honestly think it's a much bigger deal to have kids young since there is no going back on that.