Stay or Go?

[guyin-sd]

I am really struggling in my marriage and it has reached the point where I am thinking of leaving. We have been married for almost 10 years and in a relationship of over 12 years. Looking back I can see my wife was mildly depressed when we first met but was functioning at a high level. For the last 4 years things have gotten so much worse. In those 4 years she has been in the hospital several times for her depression and has lost as many jobs. She doesn’t take care of herself like laying in bed for hours, showers once a week, and eats nothing but junk food. She acts like a child and is very selfish now and when things don’t go her way the drama starts. For our marriage the depression has turned me into more of a care giver or parent then a husband. I walk on eggshells never know what I will come home to. Our sex life has been nearly non-existent for the last 4 years with nothing for the last 18 months. She has been in and out of counseling for years and we have been doing marriage counseling as well with no progress.

 

I am not good at pressing her to change and I have been trying to be supportive and giving her time to deal with her issues. I feel like I need a different approach now and the last few weeks I started to call her on some of the things she has been doing trying to make her responsible for her actions. Actions that have cause major issues between her family, many of my close friends, and me. Last weekend I chose to not engage in her pitty party and babysit her as she laid in bed, I carried on with my life and the plans we had. This lead to discussions about separating which my parents and family fully support as they see how she has changed and how she is acting out. Within hours of this she signed up on a dating site. When I found out she cancelled the account and said she didn’t mean it.

 

The decision to leave will be the biggest decision of my life and is why I am struggling with it so. I do care about her and want her to get well as she could be a great person. I don’t know if I can wait much longer for that. I have thought about why I am staying and I have loyalty to our marriage, fear for moving forward without her as I am 41 and have some health issues but still work and provide for us, and fear for her safety if I do leave as she will look for companionship in any form and she will lose my health coverage. Her family is pretty clear they don’t want her back as he mom and dad have their own issues including depression. My wife is almost exactly like her mom. I stay in hopes she can change but I have doubts. I wrote a letter to her defining what marriage means to me and what I need in a wife much of which is lacking. I only plan to give a short period of time to see change as I have waited for 4 years already.

I still struggle with the idea of separating and if is the right thing if she can’t change and maybe I am being unreasonable. Maybe there is another way to make it work? Please I need some help and an outside view on this as I am too close to issue to see things clearly.

 

Sorry if this post is a bit of a ramble it is hard for me to write.

[laurelin]

Have you been to marital counseling? Is she on medication? How much do the two of you know about depression and its warning signs and treatments? If you've not been to counseling and you're not well-versed in how to deal appropriately with depression issues, then there's probably a lot that can be done to help your marriage.

It sounds to me like she's not a very active participant in her treatment or recovery. If she resigns herself to lying in bed and doing nothing but waiting for the depression to pass then, you're right -- it will never get better, especially if you aren't recognizing what is the illness and what is her. You're right --you shouldn't seek to change her, but you can point out (and help her realize) those things that are inherent to the illness itself. Once you do that, you get a framework for improvement and a rubric by which to judge her recovery.

Edited June 2, 2014 by laurelin

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Show her this post, tell her its not intended to be an ultimatum, but you understand that in effect it is, then see how she reacts.

 

If its negatively, give her a week to cool off. After that week, ask her if she's given this issue more thought, if she's still negative its time for you to go.

[Graciousgal]

Depression is a real illness and I am not taking it lightly, but she may be using her diagnosed depression as an excuse to avoid the marriage. I only say this because you mentioned she went on a dating site after talk of separation. Some people don't know how to handle ending a relationship so they disengage from it hoping that the other will make the decision for them.

 

Deciding to end a marriage is not easy. The deciding is the hardest part. Take a good hard look at your relationship before the last 4 years. You may find your answer there.