18yrs is enough

[Sparty97]

I am coming up on my 18th anniversary and I think I have finally made the decision to file for a divorce. Of the 18, I think all of them would qualify as sexless under the clinical definition (once a month or less) with at least one stretch of a year.

 

I love my wife but I am not happy in our marriage and I am not sure I ever was.

 

About 3 months ago I started to get my fitness and health back on track after a recent slide. I have lost nearly 30lbs and I am feeling and looking good. I have been getting hit on left and right at work and at the gym, it feels great but it also lets me know what I am missing.

 

I suppose this seems shallow, but this is something we have talked about a number of times and she makes feeble efforts to change but it never lasts. A couple of months back she made some comment about her increased sex drive. I didn't say a word because I knew it was BS. In fact, we haven't had any physical intimacy since she mentioned it.

 

My job is going great. I feel great. My son had a great year in school. My wife sucks. One of these things is not like the other.

 

Worse yet, it's not just our sex life she puts no effort into. It's her career as well. She does have a job, but it's well below what her education and background would allow for. A couple of weeks ago an internal posting at her employer came up that really would have suited her. She even forwarded the email to me. I was very encouraging, telling her she should apply, etc. She seemed excited and then nothing. She didn't submit a cover letter or her resumé and when I asked her if she had she said I shouldn't pressure her.

 

I am so done with this BS.

 

I guess the question is this: It's probably waayyyyy not cool to do it before our anniversary. How long after should I wait?

Edited June 1, 2014 by Sparty97
Content

[xxoo]

I would do it before the anniversary. Why have a false celebration?

 

You've been unhappy so long, I'm glad to see you doing something about it. Good luck with this next chapter.

[beach]

Since you know what you want and seem to have decided - I'm wishing you well.

 

Now it's time to take steps toward that goal.

 

What's your first step going to be?

[Minnie09]

So if you didn't get hit on "left and right", you wouldn't consider getting divorced?

 

As far as her career is concerned, why don't you think it should be her choice? Maybe she's comfortable in her current position!? What makes you think she's not doing enough?

She's probably the one doing more at home, and with the kid(s), so her choice of doing less as far as a career is concerned is probably valid?

 

Since when has you sex life been drying up? You've been together around 20 yrs. so that is a normal decline ...... A new partner or a single life isn't all rainbows and roses and unicorns, either. At least not after a few years down the road. How old are you? 40-ish? Are there any other significant problems in your M? Other than boredom? I'd reevaluate the whole situation before saying I am done. But that's just me.

 

Do you love her?

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP

 

Sorry you're pissed off. But your post seems....strange

 

"I love my wife but I am not happy in our marriage and I am not sure I ever was." is the kind of thing, cheaters say, when rewriting the marital history to justify to themselves what they are doing. Anyone getting "hit on left and right" is already sending out signals that they are available. Why are you doing that?

 

So she is not keen on sex, and you have been married for 18 years. Hmm. Is that all that is wrong with her? She works? She is an OK mom? She does not subject you to emotional abuse? Is her cooking real bad? What you have described, seems more than a bit insufficient for the bile you heap on her.

 

What's really going on here? Is there some conflict that you're not telling us about, or is it really that you are there, shifting from foot to foot and getting pissy when you don't get sex. Sex *is* important, I sure mean that. But it tends to follow from communication, and that is the thing that perhaps you do not have with your wife: a good understanding of each others needs.

 

I think we need more info. Does she refuse to talk? How does she avoid sex? How plain have you made it to her that you need it? You describe her as a coasting perhaps, but you seem to be the one who has checked out of the marriage.

 

That son of whose scholastic achievement you boast - he's not going to benefit from your divorce, you know that?

 

If it's just that you're a shallow guy and want to trade up to a hottie ... well no need to dress it up, it's only an internet forum, we can judge you but we can't bite.

 

Aside from a renewed desire for sex ... what is it about your wife compared to your wonderful self, that merits you divorcing her? If it's just sex you can fix that, if you are willing to make the effort to make it plain to her how important it is to you. Not in a "I want sex or I will divorce you" way, but "I have some emotional and physical needs, and you don't seem to want to meet them" way.

 

I reckon you're nowhere near making a good decision for the right reasons. But you can get there if you want to put the work in. Good luck.

Edited June 1, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Sparty97]

So if you didn't get hit on "left and right", you wouldn't consider getting divorced?

 

It at least makes me feel as if there are options.

 

As far as her career is concerned, why don't you think it should be her choice? Maybe she's comfortable in her current position!? What makes you think she's not doing enough?

She's probably the one doing more at home, and with the kid(s), so her choice of doing less as far as a career is concerned is probably valid?

 

Of course it is her choice, but it does have an impact on our finances does it not? And no, she does not do more at home. I do. I do most of the laundry and all of the cooking.

 

Since when has you sex life been drying up? You've been together around 20 yrs. so that is a normal decline ...... A new partner or a single life isn't all rainbows and roses and unicorns, either. At least not after a few years down the road. How old are you? 40-ish? Are there any other significant problems in your M? Other than boredom? I'd reevaluate the whole situation before saying I am done. But that's just me.

 

If you actually read my post you would know that the lack of sex has been the entire 18yrs. In fact it dried up after we got married. I am unhappy, and have been for years. Is that not enough of a problem?

 

Do you love her?

 

At this point? I don't know.

[Sparty97]

Sorry you're pissed off. But your post seems....strange

 

"I love my wife but I am not happy in our marriage and I am not sure I ever was." is the kind of thing, cheaters say, when rewriting the marital history to justify to themselves what they are doing. Anyone getting "hit on left and right" is already sending out signals that they are available. Why are you doing that?

 

-That is a big assumption on your part. I am not rewriting my marital history. Take a look at my previous posts. And no, one need not send out signals to get hit on. I am simply more confident as I have improved my physical fitness.

 

So she is not keen on sex, and you have been married for 18 years. Hmm. Is that all that is wrong with her? She works? She is an OK mom? She does not subject you to emotional abuse? Is her cooking real bad? What you have described, seems more than a bit insufficient for the bile you heap on her.

 

-Is that all that's wrong? 5-10x a year... some years. Others less. That's a lot wrong, not simply a little thing. Yes she works, but she is under employed. She doesn't cook, I do but I enjoy doing it. We are roommates and little more.

 

What's really going on here? Is there some conflict that you're not telling us about, or is it really that you are there, shifting from foot to foot and getting pissy when you don't get sex. Sex *is* important, I sure mean that. But it tends to follow from communication, and that is the thing that perhaps you do not have with your wife: a good understanding of each others needs.

 

-She knows sex is important to me (honestly, hoping for more than a few times a year is hardly demanding on my part). We talk about it, she says she will change and then doesn't.

 

I think we need more info. Does she refuse to talk? How does she avoid sex? How plain have you made it to her that you need it? You describe her as a coasting perhaps, but you seem to be the one who has checked out of the marriage.

 

-She feigns illness of various types to avoid sex... says she likes midday sex when that is never possible. Doesn't like morning or night sex when it is possible. That makes avoidance easy for her. Given that she is the one withholding sex how is it that I have checked out on the marriage? She checked out once I said "I Do" We didn't even have sex on our honeymoon.

 

That son of whose scholastic achievement you boast - he's not going to benefit from your divorce, you know that?

 

-Actually I don't know that. My folks got divorced at roughly the same age that he is now and I was better off for it. Divorce does not always have to be devastating for children.

 

If it's just that you're a shallow guy and want to trade up to a hottie ... well no need to dress it up, it's only an internet forum, we can judge you but we can't bite.

 

-That's not it. I am unhappy and would like to be happy. 18 years in it is clear happiness is not going to happen with her.

 

Aside from a renewed desire for sex ... what is it about your wife compared to your wonderful self, that merits you divorcing her? If it's just sex you can fix that, if you are willing to make the effort to make it plain to her how important it is to you. Not in a "I want sex or I will divorce you" way, but "I have some emotional and physical needs, and you don't seem to want to meet them" way.

 

-My desire for sex is not renewed. It has always been there. You say it can be fixed... how? 18yrs in and little has changed. What would make you think it would change now?

 

-"what is it about your wife compared to your wonderful self, that merits you divorcing her?" Oh, and thanks for the snark. There are other issues. She struggles with mental illness. Has for years (diagnosed a few years after we married), she makes only moderate efforts to deal with it.

 

 

I reckon you're nowhere near making a good decision for the right reasons. But you can get there if you want to put the work in. Good luck.

 

-I think this may be the best decision I ever make.

[Tiger Lily]

Would you try counseling? Sounds like your wife wants to make an effort, but gets stuck (not only in sex, but in many areas of life). Why don't you go together and talk with someone about your wife's fears about making these changes?

 

I mean, you made a vow to your wife, and now your abandoning that vow. I think it's at least worth talking about with a therapist, or having a trial separation first, rather than jumping straight to divorce.

 

I do find it ironic that you say you're better off for your parents' divorce, but have been in supposedly an almost loveless, sexless marriage that your considering dissolving. And right around the same age for your son as you were when your parents divorced. History repeating.

 

But honestly, it doesn't have to be this way. Anyway, there's no guarantee you'll really find long-lasting happiness with the next woman, either. So, just try to think about the long-term effects/consequences of your decision.

[Sparty97]

Would you try counseling? Sounds like your wife wants to make an effort, but gets stuck (not only in sex, but in many areas of life). Why don't you go together and talk with someone about your wife's fears about making these changes?

 

-I have never been a big believer in counseling. I have known a number of counselors and have no faith in them. As for her willingness to make effort? No, her willingness is to say she will, not to actually make the effort.

 

I mean, you made a vow to your wife, and now your abandoning that vow. I think it's at least worth talking about with a therapist, or having a trial separation first, rather than jumping straight to divorce.

 

-Has she not broken a vow as well? What good would a trial separation do? She might make some effort in the short term but likely would go back to old habits.

 

I do find it ironic that you say you're better off for your parents' divorce, but have been in supposedly an almost loveless, sexless marriage that your considering dissolving. And right around the same age for your son as you were when your parents divorced. History repeating.

 

-Why would I blame my parents divorce for my marital issues? Wow, talk about transference. After my folks split I was a happier kid. That is a fact. I did better in school. I have reached my career goals, etc.

 

But honestly, it doesn't have to be this way. Anyway, there's no guarantee you'll really find long-lasting happiness with the next woman, either. So, just try to think about the long-term effects/consequences of your decision.

 

-You are right, there is no guarantee of happiness with another woman, but there is a guarantee of no happiness with this one. The long term effect would be that I am not with her anymore. I fail to see a problem with that.

[Tiger Lily]

I have never been a big believer in counseling. I have known a number of counselors and have no faith in them. As for her willingness to make effort? No, her willingness is to say she will, not to actually make the effort.

 

You seem to be doing something similar...saying you want a change, but not actually making an effort to get involved in the solution. You just say, "wife needs to change...that's it!". But if there were a solution that could be offered through therapy, well, you're already dismissing the idea.

 

-Has she not broken a vow as well? What good would a trial separation do? She might make some effort in the short term but likely would go back to old habits.

 

In my opinion, yes I think she is breaking a vow too (of course, I don't know her side!). But if you're that serious about leaving her, I think you owe it to her to at least separate for a time. That way she can know what she's facing, and be given some time to really make some changes.

 

-Why would I blame my parents divorce for my marital issues? Wow, talk about transference. After my folks split I was a happier kid. That is a fact. I did better in school. I have reached my career goals, etc.

 

You don't think you learn about marriage from your parents. I think that is pretty naive.

 

-You are right, there is no guarantee of happiness with another woman, but there is a guarantee of no happiness with this one. The long term effect would be that I am not with her anymore. I fail to see a problem with that.

 

That's fine, OP. It's completely up to you how you proceed with this. I offer my suggestions because I genuinely want you to find long-lasting happiness. And I think you're being pretty rash right now. I do think the enticement of sex with other women is clouding your mind a little.

 

But if you don't see a problem with giving up on your vows, then there's really no much more I can offer.

 

Best of luck.

[Sparty97]

You seem to be doing something similar...saying you want a change, but not actually making an effort to get involved in the solution. You just say, "wife needs to change...that's it!". But if there were a solution that could be offered through therapy, well, you're already dismissing the idea.

 

 

 

In my opinion, yes I think she is breaking a vow too (of course, I don't know her side!). But if you're that serious about leaving her, I think you owe it to her to at least separate for a time. That way she can know what she's facing, and be given some time to really make some changes.

 

 

 

You don't think you learn about marriage from your parents. I think that is pretty naive.

 

 

 

That's fine, OP. It's completely up to you how you proceed with this. I offer my suggestions because I genuinely want you to find long-lasting happiness. And I think you're being pretty rash right now. I do think the enticement of sex with other women is clouding your mind a little.

 

But if you don't see a problem with giving up on your vows, then there's really no much more I can offer.

 

Best of luck.

 

 

I don't think 18yrs is rash.

[Tiger Lily]

I don't think 18yrs is rash.

 

I was under the impression you started to take this decision seriously a couple months ago, when you started to lose weight.

[Sparty97]

I was under the impression you started to take this decision seriously a couple months ago, when you started to lose weight.

 

The problem has been building almost since the day we got married.

[alwayshere]

When you get married, you make vows to each other to be together "till death do you part." I think you should be a man and honor your vows to your wife.

 

If you aren't getting enough sex from your wife to satisfy you, you should be putting work into her to make her want to have sex more, not hitting the gym so you can attract someone else.

 

When I was raised I was taught that a man is only as good as his word. I believe that to be true.

 

Spoken by someone who has never suffered through the crushing hell of being denied intimacy by the only person who can provide it.

 

THIS kind of thread is why starving spouses end up cheating instead of leaving. Apparently leaving is wrong too.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

especially if a male.... Yes 18 years is way too long and more then enough time..... But yes it needs to be more then about sex.

 

As for the lose 30lbs and now as a 40 something man being hit on at the gym..... Where are these gyms??? I go to a big crowded high end gym and never have seen a man hit on:lmao:....

[Allumere]

I have no answers. It is just sad that you are at this point. I have no clue why your wife's libido died after marriage although I can say mine died when I wasn't happy. Obviously there are other factors that can affect libido but not knowing her I can only go with what you presented. The same can be said for the lack of motivation. So, what has changed in her or for her that seems to have resulted in existing and not living, to loose confidence and most importantly loose you? You of course be a contributing factor to some degree but again I am not the fly on the wall in your house. It is good that you are taking care of yourself and no doubt the compliments/attention boost the ego but be warned that when you separate or divorce it's like they know and will disappear back into the woodwork for awhile. So this joy and fun you think you are missing, outside of sex, have you tried to get her to be silly or adventurous with you?

 

Just thinking outloud or on-keyboard.

[soccerrprp]

I would do it before the anniversary. Why have a false celebration?

 

You've been unhappy so long, I'm glad to see you doing something about it. Good luck with this next chapter.

 

OP, surely your wife has long known that your relationship was and is not satisfying. Why wait after the anniversary? Are you planning to have a fake smile, laugh a little, perhaps buy her a half-hearted gift, flowers ALL for appearances? All fake?

 

If you have to pretend to be something you're not, who cares what day of the year it is. Your action before the anniversary makes a much more appropriate and sincere response to the state of your relationship. It shouldn't be a surprise if you've made your unhappiness known to her over the number of years.

[Popsicle]

Well, good for you for having some balls. You deserve to be happy. Now go actually do it. It really doesn't matter when you do it, she will be upset no matter what, just know that. Personally, I would do it before the anniversary. No need to fake during the anniv.

 

18 years was a good run.

Edited June 2, 2014 by Popsicle

[AmyBamy]

As upsetting as divorce can be, I am glad that you can see that it's the best thing for all involved. So many people refuse to see that and cling to some long gone hope that it will come back around by some miracle and of course it rarely does. I did the miserable marriage thing for only 3 short years and it felt like 18 years by the end of it. We didn't have children so it was probably an easier decision for me, but I can almost promise you that you and your son will be happier. Your wife probably not because she sounds like one of those people who wants the perks of marriage without any of the work that marriage takes. My ex husband and her should get together

 

Good luck to you and I hope that you find peace and happiness and a partner more suited to you on the other side of this. I am so thankful that we live in an age where people can end relationships like this and find happiness when they realize that this one isn't the right one. Good luck!

[AmyBamy]

Spoken by someone who has never suffered through the crushing hell of being denied intimacy by the only person who can provide it.

 

THIS kind of thread is why starving spouses end up cheating instead of leaving. Apparently leaving is wrong too.

 

And I'm always left wondering when posts like this show up, why are men expected to do all the leg work in a marriage? Be nicer to her so she will want to have sex more? What? She vowed to forsake all others as did he meaning that they are only supposed to be having sex with each other. Why is it that when this happens the men are expected to work double time to get their wives to uphold their end of the relationship?

 

It's abusive to marry someone and then cut off the intimacy. It's hateful and selfish and it's HER job to fix it. She is like a dead weight that he is supposed to drag around and be nice to and coddle so she will do her part as his partner? What century are we in again?

 

When my ex husband stopped having sex with me people didn't tell me, a woman, to be nicer to him so he would want to have sex with me. Why is that? Why is there a double standard when it comes to sex? Women - if you don't want to have sex with someone you shouldn't be married to them. If you at some point after marriage decide that you don't want to have sex with them or be intimate in any way then YOU need to file for divorce and stop expecting the men to carry you and coddle you and do your dirty work once you're done with the relationship. Stop using men for their income and the benefits of being married while using excuses for your lack of participating in the relationship. It makes us ALL look bad.

 

(I was responding to a post that you were responding to here alwayshere, this isn't aimed at you

[Sparty97]

When you get married, you make vows to each other to be together "till death do you part." I think you should be a man and honor your vows to your wife.

 

If you aren't getting enough sex from your wife to satisfy you, you should be putting work into her to make her want to have sex more, not hitting the gym so you can attract someone else.

 

When I was raised I was taught that a man is only as good as his word. I believe that to be true.

 

So she has no obligation to stick to her vows? I am not hitting the gym to attract women, but to improve my health. The other is simply a bi product. I was actually hoping it would attract her.

[Sparty97]

especially if a male.... Yes 18 years is way too long and more then enough time..... But yes it needs to be more then about sex.

 

As for the lose 30lbs and now as a 40 something man being hit on at the gym..... Where are these gyms??? I go to a big crowded high end gym and never have seen a man hit on:lmao:....

 

Spin class.

[AmyBamy]

So she has no obligation to stick to her vows? I am not hitting the gym to attract women, but to improve my health. The other is simply a bi product. I was actually hoping it would attract her.

 

I think that you will find that you are talking to a wall on this one with many folks. Some people still believe that you stay married no matter what even though your partner has already checked out on her end - and yes, she has. You will probably hear that she still loves you and that you should pull MORE than your weight to "earn" intimacy. Not all women believe like that. Many of us believe that we should pull our own weight in a relationship. Find one of those women, you'll be happier and better off. Let her find her way into a sexless relationship with someone else, preferably a roommate.

[oldshirt]

When you get married, you make vows to each other to be together "till death do you part." I think you should be a man and honor your vows to your wife.

 

If you aren't getting enough sex from your wife to satisfy you, you should be putting work into her to make her want to have sex more, not hitting the gym so you can attract someone else.

 

When I was raised I was taught that a man is only as good as his word. I believe that to be true.

 

 

 

 

 

It's that kind of thinking that have caused people to endure way more abuse, abandonment, neglect, addictions and every other form of misery than anyone should have to.

 

 

Do you sincerely think someone should just suffer for the rest of their life in a loveless, sexless, passionless marriage with someone that doesn't love them or desire and has just been paying lipservice to a marriage for the rest of their life because they recited a slogan 18 years prior?

 

 

for some people "till death do us part" is a commitment that they take in good faith and do everything they can to hold up their end of the bargain and make their spouse want to be married to them and keep them happy.

 

 

Other's use it as license to neglect and disregard their spouses needs and desires. They figure, "hey, he/she took a vow not to leave me and not to cheat on me so I'm going to get fat and lazy and not lift a finger to make him/her happy and do my own thing and there ain't a thing he/she can do about it.

 

 

In this case Sparky has communicated his needs and issues and she's done is used words to get him off her back, she hasn't really done anything to change the situation.

 

 

-She's employed and has her own means to support herself.

 

 

- he didn't mention the son's age but I think we can assume he is not a young child requiring 24/7 hands on care by two parents.

 

 

- Kids are harmed by being in an environment of adultery, abuse, neglect, abandonment and two parents attacking and disparaging each other and using the kids as pawns in their conflict. Children are not harmed by two parents negotiating an amicable divorce and continuing to love and support the children from two different houses and cooperating as committed coparents.

 

 

yes, back in the days of yore, there were people that remained married because they were committed to enduring their misery. That's on them. If a person today has the ways and means pursue a better life without bringing harm to others, why shouldn't they??

 

 

This gal already has no desire or love for him, she just likes the security and stability of having some guy in the home to share the rent and help raise the child. What real skin is it off her back if he moves on as long as he doesn't try to completely screw her over in the divorce?

 

 

Yes, she may need to move to a smaller house if they split but she won't have to store any of his stuff so will that really even matter?

 

 

And she may then finally have the freedom and ability to meet a man that she actually does love and desire.

[AmyBamy]

It's that kind of thinking that have caused people to endure way more abuse, abandonment, neglect, addictions and every other form of misery than anyone should have to.

 

 

Do you sincerely think someone should just suffer for the rest of their life in a loveless, sexless, passionless marriage with someone that doesn't love them or desire and has just been paying lipservice to a marriage for the rest of their life because they recited a slogan 18 years prior?

 

 

for some people "till death do us part" is a commitment that they take in good faith and do everything they can to hold up their end of the bargain and make their spouse want to be married to them and keep them happy.

 

 

Other's use it as license to neglect and disregard their spouses needs and desires. They figure, "hey, he/she took a vow not to leave me and not to cheat on me so I'm going to get fat and lazy and not lift a finger to make him/her happy and do my own thing and there ain't a thing he/she can do about it.

 

 

In this case Sparky has communicated his needs and issues and she's done is used words to get him off her back, she hasn't really done anything to change the situation.

 

 

-She's employed and has her own means to support herself.

 

 

- he didn't mention the son's age but I think we can assume he is not a young child requiring 24/7 hands on care by two parents.

 

 

- Kids are harmed by being in an environment of adultery, abuse, neglect, abandonment and two parents attacking and disparaging each other and using the kids as pawns in their conflict. Children are not harmed by two parents negotiating an amicable divorce and continuing to love and support the children from two different houses and cooperating as committed coparents.

 

 

yes, back in the days of yore, there were people that remained married because they were committed to enduring their misery. That's on them. If a person today has the ways and means pursue a better life without bringing harm to others, why shouldn't they??

 

 

This gal already has no desire or love for him, she just likes the security and stability of having some guy in the home to share the rent and help raise the child. What real skin is it off her back if he moves on as long as he doesn't try to completely screw her over in the divorce?

 

 

Yes, she may need to move to a smaller house if they split but she won't have to store any of his stuff so will that really even matter?

 

 

And she may then finally have the freedom and ability to meet a man that she actually does love and desire.

 

Not to mention, it seems she is staying for the security only as she obviously isn't interested in a real relationship that includes intimacy (and I don't even want to hear about "what if she has health issues?"... blah, blah blah, there are ways to fix that and if she wanted to, she could, she is putting in zero effort here), then so what if she has to down size her life? That's how it goes. She may not get to keep living at the level she is accustomed to with his income, and that's also on her. She should have thought of that before she decided to become complacent and lazy in the nurturing of her one and only intimate relationship if she wanted those benefits.

 

Some days, my gender really embarrasses me especially when they act like we all need fainting couches and a man but don't feel any responsibility to take care of the relationships.