Author Sparty97 Posted June 6, 2014 Author Share Posted June 6, 2014 I was speaking figuratively. Her friends and family etc and some of yours are going to hold YOU responsible for the failure of your marriage and the breakup of your home. She is going to make you out to be some kind of selfish, insatiable pervert who leaves his wife and family to go out and pursue poon. My point was if you enter into counseling in good faith, you can look her friends and family in the eye and tell them that you tried everything you could and left no stone unturned to try to preserve your marriage. I understand your point, but to be perfectly honest I don't really like her family much. If we divorce I doubt I will see any of them again. I would be ok with that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AmyBamy Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 I understand your point, but to be perfectly honest I don't really like her family much. If we divorce I doubt I will see any of them again. I would be ok with that. This made me laugh out loud since one of the best perks of my divorce was NEVER having to see his crazy family again! I miss some of my nieces and nephews but am able to still keep in touch with them through social media but I do not miss his crazy ass mom or sisters! It was a HUGE benefit to ending the marriage and one that I literally danced about when I realized it! I hope that you are able to make a decision about this and realize that we are only here once. You can spend the whole time given you trying to force something that hasn't been there for 18 years or you can go out in the world and find glorious and wonderful love! The kind that is reciprocated, the kind that takes your breath away, the kind that makes you eager to wake up every single day of your life instead of dreading it. It's worth it, I promise. Misery is chosen by many but you don't have to be one of them! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 It appears you are standing firm on your decision. When do you plan to take action about the decision you've made? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 After re-reading this thread I still strongly believe that divorce is the answer to my problem. I do think it will be something of a shock to her and I owe it to her and the last 20+yrs of our lives to give her another chance. I don't believe that anything is going to change but I will give her the couple of months we have prior to being able to file to make her case. So what was her response? Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Seems like this thread has gone way way off into different territories, but I have to point out: the sex was a problem from the start of this relationship. they didn't have sex on their honeymoon. She shows little interest in sex with him. Hello! She's GAY! And - obviously - in the closet, without having come to terms iwth it. That's my theory of course, but I'd bet dollars to donuts it's the right one. If I'm right, a divorce might be the best thing for both of them. He can find a straight woman and she will be free to be who she is and stop hiding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Hello! She's GAY! I wish my wife was gay... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sparty97 Posted June 7, 2014 Author Share Posted June 7, 2014 It appears you are standing firm on your decision. When do you plan to take action about the decision you've made? Monday. She is out of town at a wedding shower. Link to post Share on other sites
shortee Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 If I were you I would use this opportunity of her being away. Pack a bag and leave the house. Call her and tell her you will come back only if things change. Tell her to find you and come to you if she wants to save the marriage. That way you will know if she is serious or not. If she doesn't come to you by the next day file for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 (edited) If I were you I would use this opportunity of her being away. Pack a bag and leave the house. Call her and tell her you will come back only if things change. Tell her to find you and come to you if she wants to save the marriage. That way you will know if she is serious or not. If she doesn't come to you by the next day file for divorce. Never ever leave your own home or primary residence during a divorce or adultery - unless there is abuse or something. Why should you hand over the keys to what for most people is their biggest possession(s) and their home? Money flying out of your pocket for a hotel or apartment? - while still legally obligated to your share of the bills in the primary home. No way. Edited June 7, 2014 by dichotomy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Monday. She is out of town at a wedding shower. And what do you plan to do Monday? Link to post Share on other sites
shortee Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Never ever leave your own home or primary residence during a divorce or adultery - unless there is abuse or something. Why should you hand over the keys to what for most people is their biggest possession(s) and their home? Money flying out of your pocket for a hotel or apartment? - while still legally obligated to your share of the bills in the primary home. No way. I meant for a day or two and go to your friends or family. It's the only way to see if she is serious or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 You haven't gotten a lot of great advice in this thread in my opinion. In our society we are way too quick to not even bother to try and fix things. 18 years is a long time. Something must have kept you there for 18 years. I can't remember if you said you had children or not but that's another reason. The reason I say this is that sometimes you have to fight for something. No one ever fought for something that wasn't worth it. If you don't fight for your marriage and get to the root of the problem (with counselling preferably) then what is the point of being with anyone in the first place? The grass is rarely greener on the other side. I am not one to tell a married person to leave just because they are unhappy. I am more the type to tell them to fight for it. I'm not in your situation, but that's what I say. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 You haven't gotten a lot of great advice in this thread in my opinion. In our society we are way too quick to not even bother to try and fix things. 18 years is a long time. Do I sense a touch of contradiction here? We are too quick... 18 years is a long time... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 Forgive me if i missed it, i read a few pages only. Op, 1st, it's not what you want to hear but once a month.... eh aint so bad for the many i know where it is one in 4 months, some once in 6. IF she is on mental meds... my wife was years ago for a short time and she indulged my libido but was a vapid experience. However, we found ways, in different things that excited her we used to excite her sexually by different association during that time. The point was that she was able to get excited about something which to me, meant the challenge was to find the right fit to get her excited. You seem one sided, as in just about you on this and don't get me wrong it is healthy to a point but unfair to your wife. Like I said, i have not read all the pages, but can you honestly say you have tried everything in the book to get her sexually excited to be with you? 18 years is long, but routine and the expectation of the same are just as powerful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 IF she is on mental meds... my wife was years ago for a short time and she indulged my libido but was a vapid experience. However, we found ways, in different things that excited her we used to excite her sexually by different association during that time. The point was that she was able to get excited about something which to me, meant the challenge was to find the right fit to get her excited. What ways? I'm very interested in this, since I'm in the same situation... Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 What ways? I'm very interested in this, since I'm in the same situation... Character playing, at that time she enjoyed certain tv shows & movies and acting them out helped a lot. laugh, laugh, laugh I would do my impersonations or we would tell jokes and once she was laughing it made it a lot easier. Toys, very effective in the hardest of times. We would also time her med cycles. Don't get me wrong even at her best some days, i know she would do it for me and some days though it was very hard, she would not feel a thing emotionally. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 Character playing, at that time she enjoyed certain tv shows & movies and acting them out helped a lot. laugh, laugh, laugh I would do my impersonations or we would tell jokes and once she was laughing it made it a lot easier. Toys, very effective in the hardest of times. We would also time her med cycles. Don't get me wrong even at her best some days, i know she would do it for me and some days though it was very hard, she would not feel a thing emotionally. ok, thanks for that... I'm not very good at impressions, unfortunately... also, I think my wife would call the hospital metal department... although it's her with the mental problems... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sparty97 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Share Posted June 9, 2014 Forgive me if i missed it, i read a few pages only. Op, 1st, it's not what you want to hear but once a month.... eh aint so bad for the many i know where it is one in 4 months, some once in 6. -I am not sure I ever said it was once a month regularly. Once a month is the absolute max. I believe I said 5-12x a year. Currently it has been more than 2mos and there has been a stretch of more than a year on more than one occassion. IF she is on mental meds... my wife was years ago for a short time and she indulged my libido but was a vapid experience. However, we found ways, in different things that excited her we used to excite her sexually by different association during that time. The point was that she was able to get excited about something which to me, meant the challenge was to find the right fit to get her excited. -This started prior to meds. It is a convenient excuse and I am sure it contributes, but it is not the sole issue. You seem one sided, as in just about you on this and don't get me wrong it is healthy to a point but unfair to your wife. Like I said, i have not read all the pages, but can you honestly say you have tried everything in the book to get her sexually excited to be with you? 18 years is long, but routine and the expectation of the same are just as powerful. -I suppose since I am the one here it would have to be one sided as I can't speak for her. I have tried plenty. At some point though shouldn't you expect your partner to put in some effort? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sparty97 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Share Posted June 9, 2014 So I picked her up from the airport yesterday and on the long drive (2hrs) home I let her know what my plan was. That when it was a possibility in a couple of months that I would be filing for divorce unless there were some major changes evident in that time. She took it well and said she understood my position and that she would try. I asked her if there was anything that I could do to help the situation and she said she would think about it. She asked what "changes" meant and I told her I couldn't put a number on it, but some improvement in our intimate life. I also asked her to think long and hard about whether or not she actually wanted to be married to me, to think about if she is actually happy with me or if she is staying because she feels she should or wouldn't know what to do on her own. She is meeting with her gp today and her therapist tomorrow... I am open but not holding my breath. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 At some point though shouldn't you expect your partner to put in some effort? Why should she? You are still there after 18 years of misery... if you haven't yet served her with the divorce papers and you want a last shot at it, you need to give her an ultimatum: if things don't change, I will divorce you. But don't give ultimatums if you don't really mean it. They are empty threats. You have to carry it through... Don't fool yourself if she agrees to a more active sex life, though. My wife did and we slowly went back to square one. It's just not in her (no pun intended). Since I don't want to leave now, I'm stuck. Well, I don't really care anymore, so it's ok, although rather sad... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 So I picked her up from the airport yesterday and on the long drive (2hrs) home I let her know what my plan was. That when it was a possibility in a couple of months that I would be filing for divorce unless there were some major changes evident in that time. She took it well and said she understood my position and that she would try. I asked her if there was anything that I could do to help the situation and she said she would think about it. She asked what "changes" meant and I told her I couldn't put a number on it, but some improvement in our intimate life. I also asked her to think long and hard about whether or not she actually wanted to be married to me, to think about if she is actually happy with me or if she is staying because she feels she should or wouldn't know what to do on her own. She is meeting with her gp today and her therapist tomorrow... I am open but not holding my breath. Looks like our posts have crossed... well, good on you... but remember, if things don't improve, pack your bags... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sparty97 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Share Posted June 9, 2014 Looks like our posts have crossed... well, good on you... but remember, if things don't improve, pack your bags... Honestly it would be easier if I could talk her into an open marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 Honestly it would be easier if I could talk her into an open marriage. You can try... I didn't ask my wife, because I knew she wouldn't agree... I think I mentioned this before... Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 I am glad you are taking some steps Sparty. There are a lot of people who are just never going to understand how crushing this is because "it's just sex." You know you, I know me. A marriage without consistent physical intimacy is NOT a marriage to me. Just like a marriage without conversation or recreation or financial security or companionship or or or wouldn't be a marriage to others. No one else gets to tell you whether or not your needs are legitimate. They are. And when someone makes a vow to love and cherish you, you shouldn't have to "earn" your needs. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Don't waste your life in a sexless marriage. I find that people who put their spouse through this, and don't even make an attempt to fix the situation, get what they deserve. It is one thing to have an illness or disability and cannot fix it. It is another thing entirely, to not even try and expect your spouse to go without. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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