I left a MM but I can't stop thinking about it

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

ugh. these sarcastic intelligent types are really a hook, line and sinker. My xMM was also very sarcastic, dressed nicely, was enormously intelligent and talented. He too knew how to charm the pants off of people with his quiet and confident wit. He reminded me of Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones. He probably slept around like Tyrion too. I ALSO was a conquest for my guy. He wasn't insanely handsome, but he admired beauty and I think tried his best to woo me until he finally got me. Then, when I fell in love, he ran for the door. Empty sex would have been fine, but love? Hell no. He can't have that kind of anchor around his neck. But what made it worse is that he told me he loved me too. So I was fooled for a very long time. Luckily I went bat**** crazy on him and it scared him enough to not want to even follow through on sex. I am pretty certain he knew that if he pushed me too long it would likely leak over into his married life and he didn't want that. I imagine that my xMM has just moved on to his next fliratious conquest leaving me over here sad and always wondering "did he really love me?" BLA BLA BLA

 

Ugh, these PEOPLE. So tired of these wimpy, horny married men.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

You are quite right. It was after he confessed to me that he had wanted to sleep with me since he first saw me that my decision to stay away become firm. I haven't made out with him or texted him since.

 

I am staying strong around him, and that's the best I have been able to do since.

 

That statement also made me question our friendship, but he was an important part of my life for that time so it's been a little harder. Especially because he doesn't seem to care or miss me.

 

I think he's already moved onto someone else to be honest. He's been flirting with this other woman who works with us, and I saw him touching her couple days ago the way he used to "playfully" touch my arm.

 

He is scum, and I can't stop him... but I can definitely stop myself.

 

Your guy sounds like SUCH a scumbag. Only married for 5 months and already hitting on other women. Geez, at least let the marriage dry up over 10-20 years before you start exploring new options.

 

(not saying that anyone should cheat ever, but come on.. five months?)

[bittersweet111]

My xMM was also very sarcastic, dressed nicely, was enormously intelligent and talented. He too knew how to charm the pants off of people with his quiet and confident wit... He wasn't insanely handsome, but he admired beauty...

 

Oh my goodness! It almost makes me feel like we are talking about the same man! Kevin is extremely sarcastic in the most charming way, and that's the type of humor I enjoy. He is also not that attractive. Like I said before, I was not attracted to him when I first met him but his charm really did the trick.

 

I am still not sure where he gets his confidence from... may be because he knows he's very smart and witty and knows how to get what he wants. UGH!

 

Yes... their first year anniversary just passed. He started hitting on me when they had only been married like 5 months. It is very sad indeed. I am honestly so scared for his wife. He's already preying on other women and they just started their marriage...

[mimijiminy]

Hey there.

 

I don't have anything to add other than what has already been said here but I wanted to chime in to say you sound like an incredibly mature, wise, sensible and admirable woman. As a fellow poster said, you should be commended for being able to see him for what he truly is so early on and saving yourself a lot of (worse) heartache down the line. The red flags usually flutter pretty quickly … but most, including myself, choose not to see them. Kudos to you for being strong enough to do it.

 

Be polite, professional, classy but firm. I promise you these feelings will go away eventually…and sooner than you think.

[C00kie]

I don't understand how people like him can be married. Can't his wife tell what kind of a person he is?

 

 

I struggle with the same question. Other than xMM, I've met a few losers whose girlfriends don't even begin to imagine what they are really like. Of course they are great actors and deceivers, charming and manipulative, seductive, smart and seemingly very loving...but STILL. If you spend years with a man like that, isn't there something that gives him away? Even if it's a little something. Some comment, or some kind of behaviour. This is a man they're dealing with every single day. Good and bad, thick and thin. I don't get it.

 

There's a quote that goes "You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time" and I think it applies.

 

His poor wife doesn't have a clue. Plus, he chose her for a reason. She must have what it takes for him to be able to deceive her continuously (not making any judgement here towards her, this is about him). I'm actually sorry for her. I bet she thinks the world of him.

[bittersweet111]

I don't have anything to add other than what has already been said here but I wanted to chime in to say you sound like an incredibly mature, wise, sensible and admirable woman. As a fellow poster said, you should be commended for being able to see him for what he truly is so early on ...

 

Thank you so much for saying that to me. I have been very hard on myself since all this happened. It made me question myself. I have always tried to be a good person, and my involvement with this scumbag MM has made me feel like a terrible human being.

 

It's nice to hear that there is a silver lining to this, and that at least I decided to walk away early on. It's hard but it was the right thing to do and the more I think about it, the more I realize that he's not as amazing as I initially thought him to be. He's the awful human being and I deserve better.

 

I need to let go of him in every way. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I need to forgive myself, and start healing.

[bittersweet111]

If you spend years with a man like that, isn't there something that gives him away? Even if it's a little something. Some comment, or some kind of behaviour. This is a man they're dealing with every single day. Good and bad, thick and thin. I don't get it.

 

There's a quote that goes "You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time" and I think it applies....

 

I'm actually sorry for her. I bet she thinks the world of him.

 

Exactly! I mean I have never met his wife, but she seems like a wonderful woman. She seems smart and sophisticated. I don't understand how she can be fooled for so many years all the time! Even great actors aren't capable of acting all the time. I mean, they're married! They love together, sleep together.. everything.

 

I guess love really is blind...

 

After meeting Kevin (MM), I feel like I have completely lost faith in the institution of marriage.

 

I respect others' marriage, but I just don't know any more.

 

If you look at their wedding pictures or their engagement pictures... or any of their pictures that they have together, you would never be able to guess that he's cheated on her.

 

They look like any other couple. They look like they're in love... but if you love someone, you wouldn't disrespect your marriage and your partner.

 

The thing that disgusts me the most is that he had his wedding ring on every single time that we made out. That shows just how much he respects his wife and his marriage. He didn't even have the decency to take it off or hide it. I guess he felt no shame.

[C00kie]

 

I respect others' marriage, but I just don't know any more.

 

If you look at their wedding pictures or their engagement pictures... or any of their pictures that they have together, you would never be able to guess that he's cheated on her.

 

They look like any other couple. They look like they're in love... but if you love someone, you wouldn't disrespect your marriage and your partner.

 

The thing that disgusts me the most is that he had his wedding ring on every single time that we made out. That shows just how much he respects his wife and his marriage. He didn't even have the decency to take it off or hide it. I guess he felt no shame.

 

I know what you mean. My xMM always told me his marriage was over and I believed it - at first. But as actions failed to match words, I got increasingly suspicious and - even though I'm all against going through each other's things - I checked his cellphone. Much to my shock, his messages to her were filled with "i love you's", "baby", "my beautiful", etc. I don't even know or care if he meant that or not - he said it was just to keep her happy (yeah, right) - but still: who is capable of saying such things knowing they are betraying the person, saying the exact same words to the OW just minutes later?

 

He never posted pictures with her on fb, because he knew I'd see it, but whenever I saw pics of them in her mother's profile or something...it was a kick in the stomach. His arm was always around her, or hand in hand, looking very close and in love. How could he. He didn't for a moment think that I existed. If his marriage truly was over, why would he do that, and put up a front? Nobody made him put his arm around her. I don't know how they manage to be this deceitful. It's all about feeding their needs - and your xMM is a complete jerk. That ring thing is just awful. My xMM was more careful with that kind of thing but it all comes down to the same.

 

Distance will help you see clearly and get over him, I promise. It's like that Beatles song "Hey Jude" - "take a sad song and make it better"

Edited June 2, 2014 by C00kie

[bittersweet111]

I know what you mean...

 

He never posted pictures with her on fb, because he knew I'd see it, but whenever I saw pics of them in her mother's profile or something...it was a kick in the stomach. His arm was always around her, or hand in hand, looking very close and in love... I don't know how they manage to be this deceitful. It's all about feeding their needs - and your xMM is a complete jerk. That ring thing is just awful. My xMM was more careful with that kind of thing but it all comes down to the same.

 

Distance will help you see clearly and get over him, I promise. It's like that Beatles song "Hey Jude" - "take a sad song and make it better"

 

Oh my xMM didn't post their pictures either. He was careful about that. He conveniently changed his profile picture to just himself the night we first made out. As if that would have changed anything. His wife loves him and all her pictures are with him. She tags him in them and then show up in my news feed. He's kissing her forehead or her cheek and she's just smiling. It hurts me everytime I see that because I feel guilty and I am still not completely over him.

 

A man recognized him at work and started asking about his wife. I was right beside him so my xMM was being dismissive and giving one word answers... But it doesn't change the fact that he's married.

 

Anyway I deleted him on facebook last night and I am already feeling better. I woke up this morning and it was nice not being able to see what he likes or what time he last logged on. No more pictures of his apparently happy marriage.

 

Thank you for sharing your story and your advice. All this has helped me so much. I have already taken my first step towards healing

[bittersweet111]

After deleting him on facebook, I finally saw him briefly at work today. He came in when I was about to leave. He completely ignored me and walked past me like I don't exist. He went to my other co-workers to chat but didn't even bother acknowledging me. I guess I kind of predicted this but it really hurt my feelings. I already know that we can't be friends and I do t really want to be friends with someone like that anyway, but can't we at least be civil?

 

Anyone else have this experience? I thought I was just some side piece of meat for him so I don't know why he's acting this way. How long is this going to last? I hate that he's causing me so much stress.

[whichwayisup]

After deleting him on facebook, I finally saw him briefly at work today. He came in when I was about to leave. He completely ignored me and walked past me like I don't exist. He went to my other co-workers to chat but didn't even bother acknowledging me. I guess I kind of predicted this but it really hurt my feelings. I already know that we can't be friends and I do t really want to be friends with someone like that anyway, but can't we at least be civil?

 

Anyone else have this experience? I thought I was just some side piece of meat for him so I don't know why he's acting this way. How long is this going to last? I hate that he's causing me so much stress.

 

Don't ever let him know that it bothers you! Keep a good poker face on, smile like normal.

 

He isn't worth your tears or any stress....I know easier said than done, but still, keep going. Let him play his little ignore game. He's a schmuck!

[SoftViolin]

Very sorry you are going through this. I know how incredibly stressful it is to go through something like that AND at a workplace. You can't concentrate on anything, but making sure you don't fall to pieces. You are basically a wreck all of the time - at work, and later at home. Then it rinses and repeats.

 

This may not mean much right now, but know it will pass. You will get tired of worrying what this lovely male specimen does or thinks, and eventually he will get tired of the chase, or will realize nothing is coming his way and some semblance of normality will be established. Even if it doesn't feel like that at the moment, it gets so much better. And much sooner than you think. Just get through the tough part and stay strong.

 

As for how he does it, and how his wife doesn't have a clue... Well, a lot of the times they are completely different people at home. They know what's important to them - financial stability, image of a respectable family man, joint investments, mortgage, 401k, so they keep themselves in check. And other women are the entertainment to spice up an otherwise ordinary marriage. Perhaps he wasn't ready to settle down quite yet, but felt he needed to, and so he goes to find things he is "missing", and apparently feels no remorse. He will indeed say and do whatever he needs to, in order to mirror whoever he thinks you want to see him as. And once people like that get what they want, they usually move on to the next conquest. Good for you for seeing him for what he is and saying that you are better than that. It takes a lot of guts, you go girl!

[bittersweet111]

Very sorry you are going through this. I know how incredibly stressful it is to go through something like that AND at a workplace. You can't concentrate on anything, but making sure you don't fall to pieces. You are basically a wreck all of the time - at work, and later at home. Then it rinses and repeats.

 

This may not mean much right now, but know it will pass. You will get tired of worrying what this lovely male specimen does or thinks, and eventually he will get tired of the chase, or will realize nothing is coming his way and some semblance of normality will be established. ..

 

As for how he does it, and how his wife doesn't have a clue... Well, a lot of the times they are completely different people at home. They know what's important to them - financial stability, image of a respectable family man, joint investments, mortgage, 401k, so they keep themselves in check... once people like that get what they want, they usually move on to the next conquest.

 

 

Good for you for seeing him for what he is and saying that you are better than that. It takes a lot of guts, you go girl!

 

 

 

Thank you so much! Yea I guess you are right. It hasn't been that long, and I don't know if he's ever cheated before but may be he's not used to this sort of response from a woman before. I mean... he is insanely charming!

 

 

I am really new to all this, so that is why I come on here and ask for advice and read all of your stories. It helps me to know that I am not alone in this. I have only been with available men, so the reason for any of my previous break-ups had nothing to do with guilt or remorse. I am having a really hard time accepting that I even let something like this carry on. I know we only made out a couple times, but still.. I should have pushed him away when he first kissed me.

 

 

Anyway, I can't change the past. The thing that bothers me the most is that I could walk away, but I can't stop HIM from cheating. Every time I see him talk to another woman, it makes me angry. There might be some envy in there and I am sure that's how he interprets it (because it's really obvious when I am angry or upset), but it's mostly concern.

 

 

I hate that people don't see him the way I see him. They don't see past the charm. He's a manipulative liar. I know some things he's done at work which would be considered wrong, but I don't want to tell on him. Neither do I want to confront his wife, but I wish she would see for herself what he's like when she's not around.

 

 

It's just all so frustrating I guess. I hear nothing but praise about him. I am starting to feel isolated at work because everybody just loves him, and I just can't stand him anymore because I know what a jerk he really is.

 

 

I work all day, and then I think about it when I am trying to sleep at night. It's sad that he's the one who is married yet I am the one suffering. I guess life isn't fair.

 

 

I am really glad that I found this forum, it's helping me. I feel a lot better than I have the past few weeks. I am really hoping that time will slowly heal everything and I can let go of my feelings for him... both negative and positive ones. I don't want to feel anything for him or towards him, to be honest.