Am I a complete idiot?

[Elixir]

Hi All,

 

I've been married for about a year--together for almost 4. We're both on our 2nd marriages and went into this relationship very aware of the pitfalls. We're also both usually very relaxed about issues related to sex. I honestly don't have any problem with him flirting with anyone else as long as he's attentive to me and treats me with respect.

 

He's part of an online community that's very body modification oriented (piercings and tattoos) and even though I'm friends with many of the folks in this community, I choose not to take part so that he has a place to be himself. It's been an occasional area of stress for us in terms of boundaries, but we've worked through it.

 

A couple of weeks ago I needed the phone number for a mutual friend and succumbed to temptation: I looked at his e-mail. Now, I'm not the kind of person who's okay with doing this kind of thing. But because things had been a bit weird between us lately I couldn't seem to stop myself. And I found what I was looking for--pics of someone's parts and a message asking her to do various things to those parts for his benefit.

 

I debated--for about ten minutes. And then I went to him and admitted what I'd done and told him what I knew he'd done. He was as reasonable and kind as could be. He admitted it happened, he agreed it was crossing the line, we agreed to work on things.

 

But I find myself still angry, totally suspicious of his motives, and not sure what to do. I don't want to find out in the future that he's been cheating on me (and I told him that when we I confronted him). I'm completely freaked out and I'm not sure how to move on toward re-building trust -- and not sure if I should. How do I let go of the anger and work toward a positive outcome?

[Israfil]

This is going to sound cliche, but I would strongly advise you to seek couples therapy. Really. The only way you are going to be able to work this through is through open communication, preferably in front of an unbiased person.

 

Ultimately, though, it is going to be up to you whether or not you choose to trust again or not. You have to make that decision for yourself. Either you choose to trust your husband or you don't. You have to re-commit to trust him again - for him and for you.