How many APs here had an A with someone who was being abused in their marriage?

[carhill]

Interesting perspective.

I have to ask - WHO gets to define the abuse? The WS or the BS?

And in general - WHAT is abuse? What qualifies as "abuse"?

 

I can offer one salient example, in the realm of 'mean': Publicly making fun of my dancing abilities (mediocre, to be sure!) at a wedding of a family member of hers where I provided (not we, but me) the honeymoon accommodations for the bride and groom as a wedding gift. Laughing at me in public. There's more to it than that but that's the gist of 'mean'. That was before my affair. My AP evidently noticed similar type behaviors when we were all out together, later. Another would be blaming me for our infertility, even though she had failed to have children with either of her two prior husbands. Etc, Etc. Like I said, after awhile, I got used to it and didn't notice. Men of my generation don't complain about such matters. We endure pain with a calm demeanor or we are labeled 'weak'. That's how it is!

[waterwoman]

OK, if the BS is so often the abuser please define abuse for me. I have admitted many times on here that my marriage wasn't great before the affair. And I suspect that some of that was down to me. Abusive? I don't think so. Were all of his needs being met? I doubt it. Were all of my needs being met, absolutely effing NOT! I was resentful, lonely, exhausted. And that was largely HIS fault. All of which he admits now, without equivocation. Lonely, resentful, exhausted people don;t make good spouses. I suspect I was pretty miserably as a partner. I was also clinically depressed which didn't help.

 

Did I try and change things? Yes, a million times! I gave up because I was fed up of banging my head against a brick wall. So I simply got on and DID everything as it became clear he wouldn't. He simply didn't see my complaints as valid. His response to our joint unhappiness? An affair! Brilliant ! Could I have up and left? Of course but as AP are always saying on here 'it isn't as simple as that'. 20 something years and three kids aren't easy to give up in.

 

My rambling point being you can see 'abuse' on either side of our relationship if you will. If he felt neglected perhaps it was because I also felt neglected and taken for granted and I am sure that that would be the case in the majority of suffering relationships. No-one (OK, not many people) screws things up on their own. A close domestic relationship is the perfect place to subtly express built up angers and resentments in little ways - if you don't learn how to express them safely and in a healthy manner.

 

At any point before the affair if he had ever expressed any understanding of me, had ever let me feel that he truly loved and valued me for all that I was I would have forgiven and forgotten. He was telling me all that time that he loved me but in ways that didn't mean a lot at the time. I suspect I was doing the same to him. We weren't speaking the same language. Stupid people, stupid situation. It took the affair to sort it all out but it stuck a knife in my heart that still hurts from time to time.

 

So... I repeat, define 'abuse'.

[gettingstronger]

Cahill- I have seen couples like you describe where one spouse is downright disrespectful to the other and says hurtful things- is it abuse- I have no idea but I know it makes them uncomfortable to be around- for me, I would leave such a marriage rather than cheat, that would just compound the issue-but then again- I have not been in that situation so maybe its easier said than done-

[cocorico]

OK, if the BS is so often the abuser please define abuse for me.

 

I'll offer some examples of what I have either witnessed myself, or have seen evidence for (the BW's own claims in emails / letters etc she wrote; independent accounts from several sources including the kids, his family, colleagues etc; medical referral letters, etc):

 

* constant public humiliation of the spouse who subsequently became the WS;

* isolation of the spouse who subsequently became the WS from that spouse's family and friends;

* throwing tantrums, aggressive and irrational behaviour that caused the entire household to have to walk on eggs constantly;

* no physical contact at all, to the extent that strangers had no idea they were a M couple. Separate bedrooms, separate timetables, not being in the same space at the same time.;

* not allowing the spouse who went on the become the WS any expression of their likes and dislikes in the house - insisting in her own way on everything, to the extent of summarily firing any workman who asked the H for his opinion on anything; and forbidding him ever to play music he enjoyed in the house, or to foster his talents or interests because they were "stupid";

* throwing out any clothes he bought for himself and buying him fuddy duddy clothing instead so that he looked decades older than he was! and then publicly mocking him for his taste in clothes;

* buying herself expensive things from the household account, spending money like water on junk for the kids that they neither needed or even wanted, from household money, to try to lay claim to his money (they had separate finances);

* dismissing his opinion, even on matters in which he was the leading international expert, because he was "too stupid" to know what he was talking about; asking his opinion simply to dismiss it as "rubbish"; not crediting his right to have his own view;

* demanding a prescription from the GP for Viagra to overcome his "ED" when she realised he had stopped approaching her (in vain) for sex some years back;

* ignoring the high risk profile he matched! and smuggling the Viagra into his food, only confessing what she'd done when he had a bad reaction to the drug and nearly died; [technically assault]

* calling the kids to watch her giving him a dressing down for being a man, those useless horrible wastes of human skin who had no role but to donate sperm for procreation, whose presence plagued the earth, who deserved the most horrible of fates... not caring about what she was doing to her son's self-esteem or her daughter's future Rs with men;

* talking about him in the third person, in his presence, to her friend who she was helping to cheat on her H, as another piece of rubbish like all other men (including the friend's H) who deserved infidelity or anything else their Ws ever chose to inflict on them, by virtue of being men;

* phoning up his frail, elderly parents late at night to yell abuse at them for bringing him into the world;

* bullying his colleagues at work! and demanding he lie and take her side against them when they complained to HR;

* physically attacking him in front of the kids;

* threatening suicide, and making dramatic, but ineffectual public attempts in front of the kids;

* blaming him for everything, including everything she did, and things he could not possibly have any control over, like the weather;

* sending group emails around slandering and defaming him in attempts to undermine him at work;

* refusing permission for the kids to get counselling to cope with trauma she caused;

* humiliating the kids in front of their friends;

* destroying his stuff, etc.

 

That doesn't include anything during, or since, the A, so isn't in response to the A. There are many other things that I've heard from single sources that fit the same pattern, but haven't verified from other independent sources, and there are other things I've deduced from things he's said or done, but since she's not something we discuss I've never followed up on.

 

He didn't consider her behaviour abusive. He just accepted that she was "damaged" and that it was his cross to bear. It was only the contrast with a proper R that showed him that love did not have to hurt, and his IC who got him to see and accept that he was in an abusive R and that he was not chained forever by a youthful promise to stick with her against the world irrespective of what she did or how she treated him - that his first duty of care was to himself, not to her.

 

Perhaps you don't consider that abusive, but his GP (who diagnosed and treated his clinical depression), his IC, his colleagues at work, his family and his friends who witnessed it all first hand certainly did.

[MissBee]

I'm not quick to dish out that label "abused", so no, I don't think my MM is/was abused. Now neglected? Yes, but his wife probably is neglected by him too, tbh.

 

This post stood out to me.

 

I think more often than not lots of WSs may more so feel neglected or other types of more benign ills than legitimate abuse. In reading some of the posts, without detailing what the abuse entails, and saying the person themselves never said they were abused, leads me to wonder in what cases was it truly abusive versus neglectful or other ills. Someone else brought up who gets to define it and I think it's interesting to hear from different sides...however, I guess given the form it's mostly the OW saying that they think the WS was abused and BSs also responding, but unfortunately not too many WSs themselves are here to confirm or deny whether or not, from the first person perspective, they felt this was the case for them. Which seems to be one blind spot, that often OW/OMS and BSs convene to discuss what the WS felt, thought, said etc but the WS themselves, save for a few, are MIA to say for themselves what they felt/thought.

 

In my own case, no, he was not abused. And in the case of my serial cheater father, he is not abused either, far from it, he is probably the emotionally abusive one in fact.

Edited June 3, 2014 by MissBee

[Charlie Harper]

In my opinion having a bad M with or without abuse makes you vulnerable to other "influences".

 

Now put some emotional, verbal, physical abuse in the mix and you have a recipe for Divorce if there is a resolute abused S, but if the abused S is smart or thinks she wont get caught... there you have it a BIG A, Where anything will shine like gold, because your M sucks big time...

 

That is the problem with a lot of A, when the Cheater, believes the A partner is amazing, perfect, understanding and great (BIG GIGS HERE) because they are in such a vulnerable, depressed situation that ANYTHING is better than your S.

 

In my case my ex AP, had a very verbally abusive H, who would not give her any money and control everything, He expected her meal to be served at bed everyday after work while he watched T.V. a typical case of a guy who is all the time mad at something and looks for very one mistakes...

 

She did not look for an A, neither did I, but our relationship grew and I realized that even if my M looked better on the outside than hers, in fact it was worse and full of abuse in a very subtle way, in the end she grew very nervous of getting caught and decided to end it.. she went back to her abusive H... This guy won a lot of money from some business he was and now is in "good temper" mode, I hope it lasts, because this guy is a certified jerk, I really can't understand how people can put up with all this ###p , I could not so I divorced.

[tornapart2002]

Amen. Preach it, sister!

 

OK, if the BS is so often the abuser please define abuse for me. I have admitted many times on here that my marriage wasn't great before the affair. And I suspect that some of that was down to me. Abusive? I don't think so. Were all of his needs being met? I doubt it. Were all of my needs being met, absolutely effing NOT! I was resentful, lonely, exhausted. And that was largely HIS fault. All of which he admits now, without equivocation. Lonely, resentful, exhausted people don;t make good spouses. I suspect I was pretty miserably as a partner. I was also clinically depressed which didn't help.

 

Did I try and change things? Yes, a million times! I gave up because I was fed up of banging my head against a brick wall. So I simply got on and DID everything as it became clear he wouldn't. He simply didn't see my complaints as valid. His response to our joint unhappiness? An affair! Brilliant ! Could I have up and left? Of course but as AP are always saying on here 'it isn't as simple as that'. 20 something years and three kids aren't easy to give up in.

 

My rambling point being you can see 'abuse' on either side of our relationship if you will. If he felt neglected perhaps it was because I also felt neglected and taken for granted and I am sure that that would be the case in the majority of suffering relationships. No-one (OK, not many people) screws things up on their own. A close domestic relationship is the perfect place to subtly express built up angers and resentments in little ways - if you don't learn how to express them safely and in a healthy manner.

 

At any point before the affair if he had ever expressed any understanding of me, had ever let me feel that he truly loved and valued me for all that I was I would have forgiven and forgotten. He was telling me all that time that he loved me but in ways that didn't mean a lot at the time. I suspect I was doing the same to him. We weren't speaking the same language. Stupid people, stupid situation. It took the affair to sort it all out but it stuck a knife in my heart that still hurts from time to time.

 

So... I repeat, define 'abuse'.

[Journee]

I have posted about this before but I had a very good friend who I formed a friendship with at my first real job after college. She came to work with bruises on her arms and red marks on her throat. She was in her early thirties and had been with her H.since they were 14/15 years old. They had daughter who she was concerned about her witnessing the turmoil and his (the H's) alcoholism. This went on and on. About a year later a new person was moved into our department. He was also married. Was a funny and smart guy. Well, they spent lots of time together finishing projects and orders. Soon it was a full fledged A. Her H discovered and it was a mess. We all worked together in the same building. She went back and forth for some time because of her daughter. She didn't know what road to take. The abuse grew worse. The H threatened to kill her and himself.

 

My friend and her AP have been together ever since. They were married and she seems happy and safe.

 

Her H didn't ask to be cheated on but my friend didn't ask to be beaten. It may have not been the best way to go about things and it could have turned out much worse if her H had followed through with his threats.

 

I can't say whether or not ALL WS do this or that. I can't say that ALL BS do this or that....but why isn't it plausible that a BS can be a total jackhole? Complete with full on abusive behaviors. No excuse I hear but it does happen.

 

One of my best girlfriend's has been drug around by her hair until she has carpet burns all over by her bf. He gave her an STD while she was pregnant with her youngest. Luckily it was treated and curable. She carries on EA's almost constantly. Some PA (kissing). She decided to stay and keep her family together despite the physical fights they have and his cheating. She gets her emotional needs met elsewhere.

 

Both were/are extremely toxic relationships. That should have and should end. Both parties making hurtful and poor decisions. Is cheating the biggest offense? Is the physical abuse? Who decides?

 

Ending one R before starting the next is always best but obviously not the way it always goes. Not all A's are the same or have the same ending or outcome. They don't have all of the same participants acting out the same roles. Just like not all marriages are the same where the BS is a doting, loyal, good hearted individual. Sometimes the betrayed person is not a good spouse or person. Why is that impossible to believe? I've seen it and lived it.

[AmyBamy]

My OP asked for insight from other APs who had a relationship affair with an abused WS. I HEAR those of you that want to turn every topic into how horrible affairs are and how horrible WSs are, I can read on the infidelity board for that all day long for the rest of my life. Please stop clogging up threads with unwarranted advice and assumptions.

 

I am interested in hearing from APs who had a relationship with abused WSs, thank you to those who responded on topic. I am wondering if those of you who had experience with this felt less guilt for the affair when this was present? (and can we not go into semantics because we all know what abuse is, and just pretending that neglect isn't abuse doesn't make it true, and claiming that you were abused TOO doesn't make the abuse the WS suffered any less real or valid).

 

Do those of you involved think that because your AP was being abused that it made you more understanding of them choosing to have an affair? What about their concern for their children suffering through a divorce with an unstable spouse and them avoiding it at all costs because of that?

 

I am learning a LOT about why my exMM had a relationship with me while he was still married. The more exposure I have to his wife, the more I understand it and the less judgment and anger I have towards him for choosing what he chose. I'm still going to have to work on forgiving him for not being honest with me, but as far as the affair, I just can't summon up anything other than understanding since I've seen the abuse that his wife is capable of, the manipulation. (I am not saying all WSs are abused, I am not saying all BSs are abusers, if this does not apply to you please stop taking it personally and getting triggered - I am asking to hear from people for whom it DID happen)

[William]

Folks, continuing down the path of aggressive and rhetorical posting will just get you banned and I processed one more member out of this thread and the rest are on thin ice. There are other threads to discuss other topics in so keep your off-topic and/or rhetorical comments out of this one. Thanks!

[AmyBamy]

OK, if the BS is so often the abuser please define abuse for me. I have admitted many times on here that my marriage wasn't great before the affair. And I suspect that some of that was down to me. Abusive? I don't think so. Were all of his needs being met? I doubt it. Were all of my needs being met, absolutely effing NOT! I was resentful, lonely, exhausted. And that was largely HIS fault. All of which he admits now, without equivocation. Lonely, resentful, exhausted people don;t make good spouses. I suspect I was pretty miserably as a partner. I was also clinically depressed which didn't help.

 

Did I try and change things? Yes, a million times! I gave up because I was fed up of banging my head against a brick wall. So I simply got on and DID everything as it became clear he wouldn't. He simply didn't see my complaints as valid. His response to our joint unhappiness? An affair! Brilliant ! Could I have up and left? Of course but as AP are always saying on here 'it isn't as simple as that'. 20 something years and three kids aren't easy to give up in.

 

My rambling point being you can see 'abuse' on either side of our relationship if you will. If he felt neglected perhaps it was because I also felt neglected and taken for granted and I am sure that that would be the case in the majority of suffering relationships. No-one (OK, not many people) screws things up on their own. A close domestic relationship is the perfect place to subtly express built up angers and resentments in little ways - if you don't learn how to express them safely and in a healthy manner.

 

At any point before the affair if he had ever expressed any understanding of me, had ever let me feel that he truly loved and valued me for all that I was I would have forgiven and forgotten. He was telling me all that time that he loved me but in ways that didn't mean a lot at the time. I suspect I was doing the same to him. We weren't speaking the same language. Stupid people, stupid situation. It took the affair to sort it all out but it stuck a knife in my heart that still hurts from time to time.

 

So... I repeat, define 'abuse'.

 

That has never been said. I asked for insight from those APs who were with an abused WS. If it doesn't apply to you, then it doesn't apply to you.

 

As for defining abuse, it's easily defined. I don't have the time or energy to go into all the forms of abuse there are and how they are carried out. If you think your husband abused you, he probably did. If he thinks you abused him, you probably did. Abusers rarely see what they do as abuse it's kind of how it works since they see it as normal. Again if it doesn't apply to you, it doesn't apply to you.

[AmyBamy]

In my opinion having a bad M with or without abuse makes you vulnerable to other "influences".

 

Now put some emotional, verbal, physical abuse in the mix and you have a recipe for Divorce if there is a resolute abused S, but if the abused S is smart or thinks she wont get caught... there you have it a BIG A, Where anything will shine like gold, because your M sucks big time...

 

That is the problem with a lot of A, when the Cheater, believes the A partner is amazing, perfect, understanding and great (BIG GIGS HERE) because they are in such a vulnerable, depressed situation that ANYTHING is better than your S.

 

In my case my ex AP, had a very verbally abusive H, who would not give her any money and control everything, He expected her meal to be served at bed everyday after work while he watched T.V. a typical case of a guy who is all the time mad at something and looks for very one mistakes...

 

She did not look for an A, neither did I, but our relationship grew and I realized that even if my M looked better on the outside than hers, in fact it was worse and full of abuse in a very subtle way, in the end she grew very nervous of getting caught and decided to end it.. she went back to her abusive H... This guy won a lot of money from some business he was and now is in "good temper" mode, I hope it lasts, because this guy is a certified jerk, I really can't understand how people can put up with all this ###p , I could not so I divorced.

 

That whole situation sounds miserable! So many more people should just divorce but as we all know divorce isn't easy or cheap and splitting kids in two isn't possible, so people stay. I divorced too but I didn't have children to consider and I'm sure that made it far easier for me to arrive at that decisions since I only had to consider what was good for me and not little folks who want to live with both of their parents if they can. I didn't have to lose anything but a few material goods and that's a whole lower level of investment than those who have children.

 

Some people stay because they are abused. Some people just do the best that they can with the marriage they have no matter how ****ty. Some stay until the kids are out of the house. Some stay until death do they part and are miserable the whole time. I would never have an affair, but then again, I've been through a divorce once and it wasn't that bad. I'm not scared of it anymore so I would do it again if necessary if I ever get married again. Marriage itself is flawed as it is and unnecessary since about 200 years ago but for some reason people keep expecting it to be the end all prize of relationships when every study and any research shows how miserable it makes most people.

 

Hell I can't even read on the marriage board because it's so depressing. So filled with sexless, abusive, miserable marriages, so bleak. People want the benefits of marriage but don't want to be half the relationship actively. It's so sad.

[cocorico]

I am interested in hearing from APs who had a relationship with abused WSs, thank you to those who responded on topic. I am wondering if those of you who had experience with this felt less guilt for the affair when this was present?

 

There was no guilt from my side. I don't do guilt. I choose consciously to live in accordance with my values, which makes guilt redundant. I also think guilt is counter-productive. If my actions have an I intended consequence which is negative, I learn the lesson and move on. So no, no guilt from my side.

 

Do those of you involved think that because your AP was being abused that it made you more understanding of them choosing to have an affair?

 

As an explanation, of course. I'm not about "justifications" or blame, and whether or not him being abused "made it right" or not. I'm far more interested in what kind of conditions laid the groundwork for him to be able to take a decision so seemingly at odds with his essence, his while life before and since. And yes, I can see that the abuse made him vulnerable, especially at that particular time (having resisted opportunities before). I can understand how a "perfect storm" of factors led to that point.

 

What about their concern for their children suffering through a divorce with an unstable spouse and them avoiding it at all costs because of that?

 

This was very material in our case. He had agreed to take her back after a year-long split (instigated by her - she physically attacked him in front of the kids when he refused to lie for her in a disciplinary hearing she was facing for bullying subordinates at work, and then stormed out leaving him with the hysterical kids) on the condition that she would go to MC with him to address the problems in the M. Although he was so much happier during the split - everyone commented on that - she fell apart completely, let the kids know how suicidal she was, etc, and because. All the drama around the split and how badly it was handled, the kids suffered real trauma.

 

So when she begged to come back, he felt he had to place their well being ahead of his own, and agreed to take her back if she'd go to MC. She reneged on her undertaking. But because he felt he could not inflict that trauma on the kids again, he felt he could not kick her out immediately again. So he allowed her to stay, for their sakes, though they lived entirely separate lives. And because of the taste of freedom and normality he'd had during the split, he increasingly felt a need for things he was just never going to get in the M - but felt obliged to stick it out until the kids were old enough to face another split.

 

As a result, some time later, when I presented him with the opportunity of an A, it all fell into place for him. It presented him with a means of surviving him M until the kids were old enough, and over time it presented him with the kind of future he wanted to have, so he could easily transition from the toxic M to a future full of hope and possibility.

[Ailsa1983]

My xMM wasn't abused .. Taken for granted then yes he was but I guess she maybe was too, I only heard his side of things and few a from her after D-Day. I still think she took him for granted more than he did her, for instance he would come home from work and she would have to-do lists for him every single night, (she doesn't work she's a very kept woman) he would come home at 5pm and would do his lists until 7/8 he was so exhausted. But instead of discussing this or putting his foot down he held a resentment for her which thereby ended up with us having an A.

[alwayshere]

Most abusive spouses I know are pretty much looking for a reason to justify their abuse. And I can't think of anything that would motivate them to beat their spouse more than finding out their spouse slept with someone else. So...when you think of it that way, an affair - if it should ever be discovered - is a guaranteed way to incite MORE and MORE VIOLENT abuse.

 

Seems like a dangerous thing to do or encourage.

[Journee]

Most abusive spousOne ohes I know are pretty mucwas h looking for a reaand son to justify their abuse. And I can't think of anything that would motivate them to beat their spouse more than finding out their spouse slept with someone else. So...when you think of it that way, an affair - if it should ever be discovered - is a guaranteed way to incite MORE and MORE VIOLENT abuse.

 

Seems like a dangerous thing to do or encourage.

 

 

 

Sometimes people are looking for a way out. A close friend of mine lived with a guy that would drag a knife across her skin and describe what he would do if she ever left him. He would put pillows over her face while she slept. She hid it all from the world for years. I have known her since childhood. She told me everything, so I thought. She held this in. Embarrassed and scared. The only way I found out was from a frantic call from her as she sat in the parking somewhere completely shaken. She had met someone else and was planning to move out while he was at work. He found out. Head butted her until she was unconscious. When she came to he was sitting on the couch with a shotgun talking to himself. He looked her in the eye got up and walked out of the house. She jumped in her car and called me.

 

She cheated on him and wanted to escape the sick relationship they had. He tortured her for years... She felt like he would kill her if she stayed and he would have eventually.

 

She has been with her AP for the last 8 years. She got away.

[AmyBamy]

Sometimes people are looking for a way out. A close friend of mine lived with a guy that would drag a knife across her skin and describe what he would do if she ever left him. He would put pillows over her face while she slept. She hid it all from the world for years. I have known her since childhood. She told me everything, so I thought. She held this in. Embarrassed and scared. The only way I found out was from a frantic call from her as she sat in the parking somewhere completely shaken. She had met someone else and was planning to move out while he was at work. He found out. Head butted her until she was unconscious. When she came to he was sitting on the couch with a shotgun talking to himself. He looked her in the eye got up and walked out of the house. She jumped in her car and called me.

 

She cheated on him and wanted to escape the sick relationship they had. He tortured her for years... She felt like he would kill her if she stayed and he would have eventually.

 

She has been with her AP for the last 8 years. She got away.

 

Exactly. Looking for a way out while it may not make sense to those of us not trapped in the abuse cycle with an abusive partner, it seems like a possible way out. I think that this is exactly what happens when a WS is abused. In normal situations they would never consider an affair but since they are being abused they consider things that may not make a lot of sense to others. It's pretty hard to make good and solid decisions when you are under the duress of being abused.

 

My exMM was definitely in this situation. He needed a way out but didn't think that divorce was the "best" way. For his children especially considering that their mother would most likely get primary physical custody (until her actions changed that completely recently) and he was so worried about what they would have to endure if he wasn't there to take the brunt of it all the time like he has for years and years. This is a legitimate concern considering he was sacrificing his own well being and happiness to try to give his children some sort of normal family life, as normal as it could be considering the abuse happening within.

 

He wasn't seeing clearly because he was in a fog of his miserable marriage at the hands of an abusive spouse. When that fog lifted finally he started making better decisions (divorce!). And as most abusive people have serious control issues his wife reacted exactly as he knew she would but thankfully he is seeing it clearly now and is able to respond in a much healthier way for himself. His children are having their fog lifted too and this is a good thing. His wife needs to be held accountable for her abusive behaviors and actions just like everyone else in the world. The fact that he had an affair doesn't make her abuse for all of those years "okay" by any stretch of the imagination.

 

Sure, he didn't maybe make the best decision, but it sure brought about some really great decisions and movement that had needed to happen for a long time. I don't feel guilty at all and I hope that he doesn't either. Sometimes when someone is beating us down emotionally for years it's hard to see clearly, but once you see clearly you can make better decisions and he is doing just that. She is just flailing around because she is now unable to manipulate and control him, but she is being held accountable and that is absolutely necessary.

[AmyBamy]

Most abusive spouses I know are pretty much looking for a reason to justify their abuse. And I can't think of anything that would motivate them to beat their spouse more than finding out their spouse slept with someone else. So...when you think of it that way, an affair - if it should ever be discovered - is a guaranteed way to incite MORE and MORE VIOLENT abuse.

 

Seems like a dangerous thing to do or encourage.

 

I would agree if this was a man on woman abuse as we all know how those often end. But maybe this is why more men have affairs than women? Maybe since they aren't in fear physically for their lives usually, and are more hesitant to admit abuse (since they get made fun of, I've seen it even voiced here that they must be weak to stay in an abusive relationship, but I am sure those voicing it wouldn't even think to berate an abused woman in that way!), that they just find a way around it, hence affairs.

 

Obviously women can kill too but it's less likely and I know for a fact that women do not violently kill at the rate that men do. So, if they can get away from an abusive woman, they are pretty much statistically safe, as far as physical goes. Emotional warfare is a whole other thing sure, but at least their lives aren't in danger usually.

 

I don't know that anyone encourages anyone to have an affair? I am just saying that after having contact and exposure to exMMs wife, I get it. I understand why he waited so long. I understand why he stayed when there were children involved. I understand why he thought that an affair would be better than "just divorcing her". It all makes a lot of sense when you consider the abuse he has suffered.

 

I think it's sad that so many people dismiss men being abused as if it's ridiculous. Men may not be in fear for their physical safety as often as women, but they can certainly be emotionally abused just as badly as a woman can be. And when they care for their children, leaving them behind in the grip of an abuser can seem like the worst case scenario I'm sure (and it might be if the abusive woman then turns her abuse towards the children when she no longer has the husband as a ready target!). Of course in my situation the wife has decided that I'm her target now because an abuser ALWAYS has to have a target.

[Sub]

I would agree if this was a man on woman abuse as we all know how those often end. But maybe this is why more men have affairs than women?

 

I don't discount that men can be abused. But I don't think this is why they're more prone to A's.

[AmyBamy]

Divorce will be finalized next Friday, on Friday the 13th, so fitting! ExMM is ecstatic that it will finally be going through and wants to celebrate the end of her being able to drag it out and on and on over nothing but her own control issues. I am glad to hear that this chapter will finally end for them. I know it isn't what makes his soon to be ex wife happy but it is obviously in the best interest of his children and himself. So, several people better off and one feeling as if she is not is pretty good really with all things considered. Finally the whole saga is ending.

 

ExMM and his children can move on with their lives. If his ex wife insists on stagnating that will be on her since there is absolutely no reason she can't move on either now unless she chooses not to. Hopefully she will get it together and find balance and happiness as I am sure that exMM and his children will.

 

We are going to have a bottle of wine tonight together to celebrate his finally being able to disengage himself from this abusive relationship and his newfound freedom to make better decisions. To make a better life for himself and his children who are his first priority. I'm a little shocked that it's finally going to be done considering all the ways she had succeeded in derailing it over the past almost year. Hopefully it doesn't send her into thinking that she is again justified in committing criminal acts because she is pissed off or frustrated or whatever she is (I don't think anything is hurt but her pride and her inability to control what she has always been able to control).

 

ExMM and I have had limited contact of my choosing. I will celebrate with him tonight the end of this horrible nightmare. I will provide him support and congratulations on handling all of this so well after making the bad decision of having an affair. I will then go back to limited contact with him until I feel like he has processed and progressed past this. I am hoping for a new and peaceful and content life for all involved.

 

To her credit, I nor he have heard a hateful peep out of her. I guess the day in jail and the attorneys finally got her to realize that no matter what she is feeling it does not give her the right to act like a loon!

[cocorico]

Divorce will be finalized next Friday, on Friday the 13th, so fitting! ExMM is ecstatic that it will finally be going through and wants to celebrate the end of her being able to drag it out and on and on over nothing but her own control issues. I am glad to hear that this chapter will finally end for them. I know it isn't what makes his soon to be ex wife happy but it is obviously in the best interest of his children and himself. So, several people better off and one feeling as if she is not is pretty good really with all things considered. Finally the whole saga is ending.

 

ExMM and his children can move on with their lives. If his ex wife insists on stagnating that will be on her since there is absolutely no reason she can't move on either now unless she chooses not to. Hopefully she will get it together and find balance and happiness as I am sure that exMM and his children will.

 

We are going to have a bottle of wine tonight together to celebrate his finally being able to disengage himself from this abusive relationship and his newfound freedom to make better decisions. To make a better life for himself and his children who are his first priority. I'm a little shocked that it's finally going to be done considering all the ways she had succeeded in derailing it over the past almost year. Hopefully it doesn't send her into thinking that she is again justified in committing criminal acts because she is pissed off or frustrated or whatever she is (I don't think anything is hurt but her pride and her inability to control what she has always been able to control).

 

ExMM and I have had limited contact of my choosing. I will celebrate with him tonight the end of this horrible nightmare. I will provide him support and congratulations on handling all of this so well after making the bad decision of having an affair. I will then go back to limited contact with him until I feel like he has processed and progressed past this. I am hoping for a new and peaceful and content life for all involved.

 

To her credit, I nor he have heard a hateful peep out of her. I guess the day in jail and the attorneys finally got her to realize that no matter what she is feeling it does not give her the right to act like a loon!

 

Great news!

 

I hope for everyone's sake that she has learned from this and chooses to move on. And I hope he takes advantage of his freedom to explore why he felt he needed to deceive you - and why he felt OK about doing that.

 

It sounds really hopeful, so far.

[chelsea2011]

That's awesome. Best of luck moving forward.

[AmyBamy]

Great news!

 

I hope for everyone's sake that she has learned from this and chooses to move on. And I hope he takes advantage of his freedom to explore why he felt he needed to deceive you - and why he felt OK about doing that.

 

It sounds really hopeful, so far.

 

Thank you and me too. I'm not betting on anything right now. I'm just going day by day and seeing how I feel and making the best choices I can. I think that he is doing the same thing. He has to consider his children and of course that's exactly who he should be prioritizing right now, but it sounds like they are doing great with it all although they still want nothing to do with their mother.

 

As for me and him I have no idea how it will turn out since I can't see or predict the future. But I did let out a sigh of relief that it's finally going to be OVER. The dragging out she was doing in the hopes that she could manipulate the situation was just dragging out the inevitable and prolonging everyone's pain and frustration. I also think she though that if she could keep them "married" on paper that people would help her shame him from seeing anyone. So all of that is OVER.

 

Any time a family has to readjust into a different formation is difficult and sad, but in this case, many people are MUCH better off. So in my book it's a positive thing.

[AmyBamy]

That's awesome. Best of luck moving forward.

 

Thank you I am not sure if I want to date him or whatever yet. But once we get all of this other bs out of the way, I can focus on it and so can he. Then I am hoping that we can get a clear and unterrupted idea of where we want to go if anywhere together. The relief that he and I and his kids are experiencing cannot be put into words right now. Such a huge weight off everyone's shoulders. The only issue now is that since he is going to have primary physical custody, he can have the house if he wants it. Not sure what he will decide, but the kids would like to stay in their house since he lives in a different house since he moved out when they separated. That will probably cause the ex wife to have a fit, but again, it's in direct response to her actions and behaviors even if she can't see that.

[The Way I Am]

[deleted. Never mind. It was probably off topic.]

Edited June 6, 2014 by The Way I Am