How many APs here had an A with someone who was being abused in their marriage?

[wind willow]

Do those of you involved think that because your AP was being abused that it made you more understanding of them choosing to have an affair?

 

Made me more understanding? Um... I guess the answer is yes. But then my understanding of it is that it's not a healthy choice for anyone involved. I don't support his choice.

 

To give you some background. I got involved with a MM who told me and friends -- and whose wife told me -- that they were getting divorced. My personal belief in relationships is that if a relationship is ending, there's no need to rub salt in the wound of the soon-to-be-ex if you find someone else before the end is official. If meeting someone else is the result of the relationship being over not the cause, there's no good in telling the other person. But if you're going to continue the relationship or even the pretense of the relationship, it's not cool to lie to the other person.

 

It became increasingly apparent that despite what the both said, she doesn't have immediate plans to file for divorce. And he doesn't plan to either. He claims that he feels responsible for making sure she's ok, because back when things were good, he promised her he'd make sure she was. (She also promised to love and be faithful, but that didn't stop her from hitting him, constantly insulting him, and sleeping with her ex, who she refers to as "the love of her life" and her "best friend" for the majority of their relationship -- but I digress.)

 

A couple weeks ago -- after about 6 months -- I told him not to contact me unless he either tells his wife that he's involved with someone else or has filed for divorce and moved out. I only want to hear from him if he can contact me openly with his wife knowing. I don't care what the circumstances, I don't feel good about myself having to keep a secret relationship.

 

I do believe that they both think they're getting divorced. I don't believe that they really will anytime soon.

 

He's her security blanket, because the "love of her life" is only using her for sex now that he married somebody else after they broke up when she cheated him.

 

And she's the stand-in for his dysfunctional relationship with his father that he'll continue trying to fix.

 

What about their concern for their children suffering through a divorce with an unstable spouse and them avoiding it at all costs because of that?

 

Not applicable in my case. They don't have kids. They do have dogs. I know he's concerned that she won't take care of them, because he's the only one who does now. But for some reason he's promised her that he won't take them from her. He's said that he's thought she was going to throw one of the dogs at least once.

 

I am learning a LOT about why my exMM had a relationship with me while he was still married. The more exposure I have to his wife, the more I understand it and the less judgment and anger I have towards him for choosing what he chose.

 

That's interesting to me. Do you think you'd feel differently if he didn't have kids?

 

Because I feel more anger toward him knowing that he's choosing the incredibly unhealthy path of trying to "fix" her instead of choosing to get away where he can get himself healthy and get the pets to a safe environment.

 

I go back and forth between supportive and pissed. Immediately after I read about the effects of abuse, I feel sympathy and understanding. But then I think about things like how he was the one who pushed for more and how he said if she didn't file for divorce, he would. Then how he changed that to now he's not leaving until she files but he tried to pull some BS of rewriting history by telling me I had said I was ok with him waiting for her to file. Uh no. What I was ok with was when I was told they were getting divorced one way or the other.

 

That makes me angry and it makes me feel lied to.

 

When I think about all the things she's done, I want to tell him to grow a pair, because he's letting her walk all over him and while it might be easier for him, it's not helping him or her to stay. If somebody wants to get better, they'll do it on their own. Not because somebody else scheduled them a therapy appointment.

 

It makes me mad that he puts not angering her and making sure "she's ok" -- whatever that means since he couldn't tell me what the quantifier for "ok" is going to be -- above everyone else. Himself, their pets, and me.

 

I'm still going to have to work on forgiving him for not being honest with me, but as far as the affair, I just can't summon up anything other than understanding since I've seen the abuse that his wife is capable of, the manipulation.

 

He's always had this notion that "everything is going to work out". Like he can just carry on without any direction or plan and leave me sitting off to the side while he fixes her then come back and pick me back up when she's finally decided that she's tired of spending his paychecks on expensive things she doesn't need and having a servant who'll fetch her anything she needs any time of day or night. I told him that's not how it works and gave him plenty of opportunity (not ultimatums) to choose a relationship with me. He didn't.

 

I suppose I can forgive that. But I can't forget it. Even if he came to me today and said he's finally moved out and filed for divorce, I don't think I could believe his feelings for me are the same as mine for him.

 

How do you reconcile that he wasn't willing to put you first? Is it because of the kids? If he had kids, it would probably be easier, because kids should always come first.

 

But putting the person who abused and cheated on him for years first. I can't respect that. I feel sympathy for a person who would do that, but a relationship needs respect. I'm not sure how I could ever not see him as the person who was willing to continue putting up with that even after he knew better and saw that things could be better.

 

Putting that abusive person above me when I've done nothing but be kind and supportive. That's a hurt I don't think I can get past.

 

He started seeing a therapist now. Maybe eventually he'll see the unhealthy pattern and get out. But even if that happens, I don't see any hope of a successful relationship for us. I have too much resentment for it to ever be healthy.

Edited June 10, 2014 by wind willow

[HeebieJeebie]

I had to register to answer this one because that's exactly what I feel like with my MM.

 

 

He is a sweet, sensitive man and I feel like he's being abused/taken advantaged off in his marriage. He has never complained outright but just based on what I've heard, it seems like he is doing EVERYTHING at home. He wakes up early to make breakfast for the 3 kids before they go to school, packs them their lunch, drives them to school, goes to work, hurries back home to chauffeur the kids to their after school activities. While the kids are at soccer or whatever, he drives back home to make a quick dinner, picks them back up, goes home with them to have dinner and THEN he has to clean up after dinner. I thought he was exaggerating but I am friends with his sister-in-law and she confirmed this. His wife does not work, spends the day with friends or at the gym. And this is what infuriates me....the wife expects him to serve her breakfast in bed. On the days that he is running late and can't do it, she pouts and makes him feel all guilty.

 

 

All their social activities revolve around her interests and what she wants. If he expresses no desire to go, she gets angry and makes a big deal about it. I asked him why he won't put his foot down sometimes and he said that her outbursts and displays of anger scare the kids so he would rather go along with her than let that happen. If a person is afraid of their spouse's anger, that is abuse in my book.

 

 

I don't know if I am more mad at the wife for the way she treats him or at him for letting her treat him that way. I once made the mistake of questioning why he allows that and he got all defensive and said he's fine with it. Clearly, he is not fine with it because even though that's what he would like people to believe, he let his guard down at one time and actually complained of having to do everything and that there is no give-and-take in their relationship. All he does is give, give, give.

 

 

He will not admit to being abused or taken advantaged of because he probably feels it's an affront to his masculinity. He may not see it for himself because it has been going on for so long but to an outsider, it just does not seem right.

 

 

This may not be the reason why he sought an affair but I am quite certain it plays a big role in his overall dissatisfaction with the marriage.