confusedgirlfriend11 Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 I'm hoping you'll be able to offer me some words of wisedom please. My boyfriend is going through a divorce. They were seperated for about nine months before we started dating. My boyfriend briefly dated someone shortly after he split with his wife. He said he regrets it a lot as it hurt both the girls involved and it wasn't right. The divorce is in the final stages (awaiting to apply for the Abosolute). He was the one who asked for a divorce. I think many issues involving feeling negleted by his wife and her changing the goal posts for the future. We have a very honest relationship and he has said many times that although he cares about her wellbeing, he does not want to get back with her. He says that he loves me and I do believe him. But lately he has been feeling very down. He feels as though he has failed because he is getting a divorce. He also feels bad for his soon to be ex wife as he has hurt her. Part of his issue is, he is a really nice guy. He is taking on all the guilt. But I've tried to explain that surely if he was unhappy, he wasn't making her happy? I really don't know what I'm supposed to do to support him. I've said if he wants to break up then I would understand. I would be completely devestated as we've been dating for just ove six months and I know we really care for each other. I've had a very bad past with my marriage ending when my husband died. This was nearly three years ago and I am very much ready to start a new life. I just need to some help with how to support my boyfriend? We've spoken about so much and I've sent him links for articles and also Self-help books. I think he has had a read of a few of these but he obviously needs some more support. I'm struggling a bit as of course I want to support him, but I don' have anyone supporting me. I don't want to call it a day on our relationship (and I don't think he does either) but I just need to help on how we can get trhough this together. He feels terrible for being a 'bad boyfriend'. I've tried encouraging him, leaving him alone a bit and I've even tried a little tough love but I just don't know what else I can do? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 Even though logically divorce is the right thing for him, he's still grieving the reality of the loss. Remember how awful you felt when your husband died? It's similar. I'm sorry for your loss, btw. All you can do is listen. Don't offer any affirmative advice beyond platitudes like "do what feels right." You can ask a few Qs like: "what does your lawyer say?" But you can't really say anything concrete. Taking a position is a no man's land for you; too many ways it could wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 Dating someone so soon after they are divorced not to mention someone who isn't even legally divorced is not something I would recommend to anyone. Regardless of the fact that he asked for the divorce, its a very emotional time and unfortunately very mirroring a rebound situation IMO 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 Hello confused I met my OH when I had already instigated divorce proceedings (had been split up over 12 months). I was the same as your boyfriend very open and honest about what was going on in my life and how I felt. The difference I see between me and your boyfriend is that I never once felt I failed by getting a divorce, I was adamant that I did not want to married to my xH any longer (he had an affair and I didn't want to get back together). As your boyfriend has some unresolved feelings about it all, I would suggest if possible that he speak to a counsellor. It is likely that he went into a relationship too soon, in fact, from my experience a lot of people go into a new relationship too quickly, they think it will make them feel better etc etc. But until he has worked through his feelings and comes to terms with the "death" of his marriage, I believe he isn't being fair to you either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 Dating someone so soon after they are divorced not to mention someone who isn't even legally divorced is not something I would recommend to anyone. Regardless of the fact that he asked for the divorce, its a very emotional time and unfortunately very mirroring a rebound situation IMO Agreed, I started dating waaaay too soon after my separation, both relationships I got into were complete disasters. I was married for 10 years and was completely clueless as to what I wanted from another relationship. My XW cheated so I was REALLY jacked up in the head.....had no business dating. I had my last "mini-relationship/train wreck" end about 10 months ago and have stayed to myself up until now. Since I have started dating again I find myself looking for something completely different than I did right after the separation. Early on I gravitated to woman that had the same bad marriage issues I did, maybe that was the initial attraction and of course there were the physical attributes of a relationship as well. I can honestly say that now I am OK with being by myself and all the D stuff is behind me I have a much clearer head to make better choices for my next relationship. As far as dating a woman in the middle of divorce, I would not do it now for the sheer fact I know how tough it was on me. I would befriend ANYONE that is going through it, but to get intimate I would have to pass. The biggest reason I stopped dating was not just for me, but how was it fair to whatever woman that I met to make her deal with my un-dealt with baggage? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 This was nearly three years ago and I am very much ready to start a new life. He's not ready and is trying to tell you so. What you want is understandable but the place and time are wrong. And on some level, sounds like you know this yourself. Are there kids involved from his marriage? If so, even more true that everyone is his family - him, his wife and kids - has a huge stake in how this settles. And you're unfortunately in the middle. Sorry for the tough advice but I'd break it off and let passing time bring things into clearer view... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedgirlfriend11 Posted June 3, 2014 Author Share Posted June 3, 2014 Thanks for the replies. Well perhaps I should have seen it coming but we split up last night. I've been trying to help and support him loads with how guilty he is feeling and how stressed he is but he decided he couldn't be in an emotional relationship at the moment. What confuses me more is that he said he loves me yet isn't able to be in a relationship. I have probably been the most patience person ever. I've not been demanding and I've tried to be relaxed and not stress him out. Yet it still all wasn't good enough. Or more to the point, I'm not good enough. Thanks for the advice though. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Or more to the point, I'm not good enough. You shouldn't take it that way. Much like someone who's had a leg amputated can still feel their toes, a recently separated or divorced person still has a phantom marriage attached to them. During several relationships after my split, I'd wake up at my gf's house in the middle of the night with an overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't be there. I should be at home...in bed...with my wife...from whom I'm divorced. Didn't make any sense but that didn't make the feeling any less real. You sound like a caring and supportive person with much to offer. Give his situation some time, things may change... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Perhaps a cliche, but 'hold on loosely' would be my advice. Look after your own needs and listen as appropriate. What will come will come. Relationships, whether dating soon to be divorced men, or being married until death does one part, have no guarantees. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedgirlfriend11 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Share Posted June 4, 2014 Yes that certainly makes sense. We've been good and have had a few chats over email to clear the air. He has explained that he does love me and loved the idea of a future with me, but he needs to get his head sorted before he can move forward. It's only been a few days but I have said that I am willing to be patience. I said I'm not waiting for him, as such, as I don't want to put pressure on him. But in my heart, I know I am waiting for him. He is a very good, honest guy so I hope once things have settled a bit more for him, then hopefully we can slowly get back together. I've said I will give him space and allow him to contact me when he would like to meet face to face for a chat. It's just incredibly tough seeing him at work every day. Knowning that only a few days ago we were together and now we are not. Link to post Share on other sites
ThorntonMelon Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Confused - I have literally experienced the same thing as you in the last months, and unfortunately for the two of us they crush us with the false hope. I would PM you but I don't think I have enough posts here to do that. I hope you won't wait for him. The odds are heavily against you, sadly while these people don't mean to "use" their partners, we are crutches to get them where they want to get to - no shame in that, it happens, it's the risk of things. But the relationship you had was based on wishes from his side, not solid commitment. So if you ever did reconnect you're not starting from where you finished...if that makes sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 There are many guys out there who would have simply used you, carried on the relationship even though they are not feeling right about it. It seems like he is a good guy, trying to do the right thing. Hopefully when he gets his head sorted out you'll get a knock on your door or a ring on your phone. But as said I wouldn't put your life on hold for that, it might never come. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedgirlfriend11 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Share Posted June 4, 2014 There are many guys out there who would have simply used you, carried on the relationship even though they are not feeling right about it. It seems like he is a good guy, trying to do the right thing. Hopefully when he gets his head sorted out you'll get a knock on your door or a ring on your phone. But as said I wouldn't put your life on hold for that, it might never come. All you've said is very true! He is an amazing guy- that's why he is struggling. I've decided I will leave him to have some time alone and I will also use the time alone productively. Although I'm not 'putting my life on hold' I do know that I want to ideally be with him so I am not going to 'seek' anyone else. ThorntonMelon- It really does hurt! I hope things get sorted for you. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Unfortunately his relationship goals unsettledness has been communicated to you as if by a virus. You know what you want, but it's also a non-starter now so that puts you in limbo. Like others, I'd urge you strongly to do your best to move on. Unless you move on positively, you ARE waiting for him to come back and that means you're in limbo. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 All you've said is very true! He is an amazing guy- that's why he is struggling. I've decided I will leave him to have some time alone and I will also use the time alone productively. Although I'm not 'putting my life on hold' I do know that I want to ideally be with him so I am not going to 'seek' anyone else. ThorntonMelon- It really does hurt! I hope things get sorted for you. I think this is the best option... From whatever learnt over the last 15 months is to listen to my gut instincts and look for those red flags! Move on with your life, stop hanging on... If a man wants/loves you/thinks your worth the fight then it will happen... No hanging on, making excuses or living in what ifs will change it. Self love us the key, move on and what will be, will be SS x try and read 'he's just not into you' has all the none comital male excuses in the world and shows just how much us ladies make excuses for such behaviour Link to post Share on other sites
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