Keeping the resolve

[b52srock]

I have to give myself a little pat on the back because I've held my resolve for an entire week now! OK, 5 days, but that's something, isn't it?

 

STBex showed up as usual Monday AM to take daughter to school. He asked how my conference went, I gave a one word reply of "good". He stands around, kids go feed dog, he asks if "it was a leadership thing, right?" Again, a one word answer, yes.

 

Tuesday AM he shows up again. This time there wasn't even a "good morning". Did tell him, though, that I knew it upset him when I didn't communicate with him, but he needed to realize that he'd stopped communicating with me a year and a half ago. Also told him I knew he'd made a decision, even though he won't come right out and say it (about the sl*t), and I thought it was time for him to start moving his things out of the house because I just couldn't take seeing them anymore. Told him as well that it was time to sit down and tell the kids we were divorcing, and if he couldn't bother to make the time that I was going to do it and I would tell them EVERYTHING. His jaw tightened up, but he didn't say a word.

 

Thursday, our son performed at a College where the STBex and I had met 23 years ago. My mother came up to see her grandson since he'd asked her to come (he's only 15!). STBex was there, but didn't bother to speak to me at either of the performances, and sat somewhere else. Fine by me...didn't want a knock down drag out between him and my mother (she's found out about his affair!).

 

In the meantime, I must admit that I sent an email to him, saying that since we had a total communication breakdown that there were a lot of things I wanted him to know. Told him my feelings about everything, most importantly how he's changed.

 

Quote: "All of the lies are the hardest to deal with. There are times when I feel like you've lied from the beginning. Remember standing in a church, before God and everyone, saying "for better or for worse"? I'm sorry that you couldn't handle the "for worse" part, but have instead chosen to run. You've lied to me, you've lied to your children, over and over. You've lied to your mother, your father, sister and brother. You've lied to your friends, the people you work with, the people on the fire department that have to trust you on a fire scene. How can they really trust you when they all know you've been lying to them? How can your boss trust that you're really doing your job when you've been lying about where you've been and who you've been with? How can anyone have any respect for you when everyone knows you've been lying?

 

You've always taken great pride in telling the truth. What is it about Becky that has turned you into a liar? Have you thought about that? What is it about this person that has made you into the stranger you are today? Where did Bob go? What does she have, or what does she give you that you're willing to lie, to cheat, to destroy everything around you just to be with her? You've always had a strong character, but somehow she's convinced you that she is the only answer to your problems. Somehow she's made you believe that giving up your wife, your children, your friends and family is worth it. You've turned your back on everyone and everything good in your life in order to live a lie."

 

I think that was pretty much to the point. Anyway, haven't heard anything from him at all, and really don't expect to. This really isn't easy, but I'm trying my hardest to sort of keep the anger, I guess, but more importantly, my resolve that if he wants to come back, he's going to have a very long road ahead of him!

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by b52srock

I have to give myself a little pat on the back because I've held my resolve for an entire week now! OK, 5 days, but that's something, isn't it?[/Quote]

And here:

 

::pat, pat, pat:::

. {{{{{B52}}}}}

You've always taken great pride in telling the truth. What is it about Becky that has turned you into a liar? Have you thought about that? What is it about this person that has made you into the stranger you are today? Where did Bob go? What does she have, or what does she give you that you're willing to lie, to cheat, to destroy everything around you just to be with her? You've always had a strong character, but somehow she's convinced you that she is the only answer to your problems. Somehow she's made you believe that giving up your wife, your children, your friends and family is worth it. You've turned your back on everyone and everything good in your life in order to live a lie."

Exactly the realization I came to after dumping my A partner and asking to reconcile 3 years ago. Reconciled (or so I thought) Now divorced.

 

B52, You take your time, it takes a lot of work to get through all the conflicting feelings. But you're in the right place for that!

 

One thing I know. Remorse MUST BE PRESENT. It must be given without hesitation. He has to take what you give him, and be there for YOU entirely. You have to be sure that forgiveness is what you WANT to do. What ever your path, we'll be there to support you in it.

[b52srock]

MA, thanks a million!

 

I'm finally starting to get into the right frame of mind on all of this. Yes, there are still days when I wish he'd just come home, but those are coming less frequently. I've told him I can live with the choices I've made...can he?

 

Sad thing is, he really is giving up the best things in his life...his children.

 

I finally sat them both down over the weekend, separately because of the age difference, and told them both exactly what was going on. I didn't want them to hear it on the street or at school, I wanted them to hear it from me. Both of us, actually, but he couldn't bother to show up, so I told them myself, and told them the truth.

 

My son, 15, knew that his dad had a girlfriend, but had never said anything to me about it. I let him know that it was up to him how he treated her. As far as I was concerned, adult or not, he didn't have to respect her or be nice to her, considering she hadn't respected him or his sister when she slept with his father. I wanted him to know that he could make his own choice.

 

My daughter, 11, took it a little harder than her brother, but of course she would, she's daddy's girl. She cried a bit, but her only concern was that daddy was going to move to Denver to be with the bi*ch. I told her I didn't really know what he had planned, but that he wasn't coming home and that it was his decision.

 

All in all, it went rather well. I did send him a rather sarcastic email afterwards, thanking him for showing up and giving me so much support. Yeah, didn't need to do it, but it felt good!

[MassiveAtom]

WHAT!?!?

 

He didn't show up!?!?

 

WTF!?

 

 

WAIT, he didn't show up to talk to his kids and tell them that Mom and dad weren't going to be together anymore? And they're that old? And HE ran off with the slutpuppy? DAMMIT! guys like that piss me off!

 

I'm sorry B52, but that blows my mind.

 

I'm speechless.

 

Unbelieveable.

[Mz. Pixie]

B52-

 

I'm sorry you're having to go through this but can I put in something here???

 

I know you're the BS and you're angry, but please do not put this anger onto your children.

 

Telling them things about daddy's girlfriend, that they don't have to be nice to her, that she's bXitch is only going to make them feel worse.

 

What if he marries this woman? Then your children are going to be subject to being in the house with her during visitation. If they even feel like they like her a bit then they will feel conflicted because of you. It's not fair to make them want to hate their father because of his A.

 

Also, you said something about how the OW didn't care about your children when she was sleeping with their father- how could you tell a child that?

 

When the OW was sleeping with their father it wasn't about them- she probably didn't think about them until after the fact. That was between your husband and her and had nothing to do with them really.

 

I notice in the post that you say alot about how she's turning him into this or that. WRONG- you need to put the blame squarely where it goes- which is on your H. NO ONE can make you be anything or do anything unless you want to do it. True, she knew he was married yada yada but HIS committment was to you.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh here- I know you're in alot of pain and I'm sorry for that I'm just trying to present another side of the story.

[b52srock]

Mz. Pixie - I suppose I didn't explain things very well in my last post.

 

I sat the children down separately and told my son things that at his age he could handle, and things to my daughter that she could handle. I didn't use the exact words as above, didn't call her a bit*h, etc., just explained to them that she hadn't respected them so I was not going to insist that they respect her. That how they treat her is up to them. They are both old enough to make up their own minds. They already know this woman...I used to consider her a friend...her mother used to clean my house for God's sake!

 

I will never say anything derrogatory about their father...after all, he is their father and they love him, as they should. However, I grew up in a home where my grandmother took every opportunity to say the nastiest things she could about my own absent father, so I have no intention of putting my children through the same thing. Its not like I told them all the gory details. Its bad enough my STBex met my son at the door on Christmas eve in his underwear at 9:00 in the morning while his wh*re lay in his bed less than 50 feet away.

 

I truly know you aren't being nasty with your observations and suggestions , but just because she is an adult does not mean she deserves respect...and I won't insist that my children show her any if that is what they decide.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by b52srock

I truly know you aren't being nasty with your observations and suggestions , but just because she is an adult does not mean she deserves respect...and I won't insist that my children show her any if that is what they decide.

 

 

GOOD FOR YOU B52!!

 

Stand up for what you believe in. Trust your own wisdom in raising your kids. Give them the most honest you you can. That is a true gift. I totally feel you on this.

Pix, your advice was spot on too! Giving kids information that may create animosity in them toward their dad, is risky.

 

It's amazing here, that all these viewpoints are valid and worthy of repsect. I would've never known any of you had my ex not left.

 

I should thank her, no wait I already have.

 

Yay freedom!

[debs]

BRAVO B52!