Mean SIL and husband won't talk to her

[Lisey9]

SIL is causing problems with my relationship with my husband.

 

 

My SIL is a classic Mean Girl, and I have been a victim of her Queen Bee Mean Girl behavior from the first day I met her. I had been dating her brother (now my husband) for about 1 month when she fabricated an excuse for why she had to crash our date. I assume it was because she wanted to see who her brother was dating. Notice I didn’t say “she wanted to meet me." I saw her long enough to be introduced to her, make small talk for a matter of seconds, and that was it. But the second she left the restaurant she started texting her brother things like “What was her problem?” I have never been bullied before or had people be mean to me, other than the general rudeness you might encounter from a stranger, so I didn’t realize it at first, but in hindsight this encounter foreshadowed how she was going to treat me for the rest of our relationship.

 

I think this is probably true of most men, but my husband has a hard time seeing and understanding how hurtful she is toward me. She is mean in the way that girls are mean to other girls, and men just don’t get it. Without getting too specific, though I would love nothing more to vent about this woman, every encounter with her was full of:

 

- backhanded compliments ("Wow, your hair looks so much better than it usually does! Did you color it?")

 

- passive aggressive comments and behavior (like inviting an ex-gf of husband's who was trying to get back together with him to every party or event I would be at - she HATED the ex-gf and they were never friends; accepting an invitation I extended to her, but then canceling an hour before for something lame like she decided to get a haircut instead)

 

- exclusion (for example, sending an email to her entire family and her husband’s entire family about a family event we were all going to, but not putting me on the email, or if someone else had started the email she would reply all and take me off the chain; she would invite me to something with a group of people, and then cancel it, but she wouldn’t tell me she canceled it so I would be the only one to show up, teaching her son everyone's name in the family except mine, etc.)

 

- and gossip/trash talking.

 

 

I brought it up to my husband a few times, and he went from thinking I was being oversensitive and misinterpreting things, to being sympathetic, to finally getting it. I tried to say something to her at one point, but she just acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about. Her behavior got so bad that even my husband realized she was a jerk to me. He kept telling me that he would talk to her, but he never did. What he did do, was stop talking to her and seeing her except for family events and things like that. He told me that he knows his sister has been that way her whole life, that she treats everyone that way, even him (which is true, she does); that he had been hoping she was only treating him that way, but realized how awful she was to me, and he couldn’t put up with that.

 

Anyways, for some reason in the last couple of months SIL has decided that she wants to get back in with her brother, and she realized that in order to do that she will have to be nice to me. My husband is so happy that she is “making an effort” and being nice to me. He and his sister now text daily, he sees her more often, etc. He thinks that she has had a change of heart, that she realized how awful she was and so she is making a genuine effort and is a completely different person.

 

 

She is not. She is the exact same person she has always been. Her excluding behavior is the worst it has ever been, she still will make sly passive aggressive comments to her parents or friends, or my husband to make me sound bad. She actually did this over the weekend. I was with my husband in the car and she didn’t realize she was on speakerphone and said something. This really made me mad and is actually what is prompting me to write here.

 

I love seeing my husband happy, thinking that he has a good relationship with his sister again, but she is still treating me like trash. Should I say something to my husband or just suck it up? I think that he is seeing what he wants to see, so he won't believe me, but being treated so poorly by husband's sister is really upsetting to me. And it makes me feel even worse that I feel like he is on her side and not mine. I am starting to get angry and resentful that he doesn't stand up for me to her.

Edited June 2, 2014 by Lisey9

[d0nnivain]

Can you rise above it? Ignore her. Smile to her face but otherwise live your life as if she dosen't matter.

 

I doubt she's going to change.

[Lisey9]

Can you rise above it? Ignore her. Smile to her face but otherwise live your life as if she dosen't matter.

 

I doubt she's going to change.

She definitely won't ever change, and I could live with that if I felt like my husband had my back and was on my side.

 

For the year+ that my husband acknowledged her crummy behavior, I had no problem just ignoring her every time I had to see her.

 

Now that he thinks she is cool again, I'm really struggling.

 

Here is a minor example of something that recently happened, where she lied and manipulated my husband into getting mad at me:

 

Husband and I were meeting her after some errands. He talked to her twice on the phone: once to tell her that we should be done with errands in about an hour, but he would let her know once we left the last errand so she could head out to meet us. He talked to her on the phone again to tell her we were wrapping up the errand, would be heading out in 5 minutes, and she again asked him to let her know when we were actually leaving.

 

As we were leaving, my husband asked me to call his sister and let her know we were on our way. Interacting with her gives me really bad anxiety, plus he spoke to her 5 minutes ago, telling her we were leaving in 5 minutes, so should have been expecting communication of some kind. So I texted her that we were leaving. She texted me back about a minute later that she was "leaving soon."

20 minutes later my husband and I are twiddling our thumbs waiting for her and he's getting angry and impatient because we have a ton of other stuff to do and we were meeting her as a favor to her. He calls her to ask her where she is. She says "Oh I'm so sorry, I'm hurrying. I just left. Sorry but I was expecting you to call me, so I didn't see your wife's text until like 15 minutes after she sent it."

 

When his sister said that I could see him struggling really hard not to say he told me to call her. He caught himself mid-sentence and changed it to "I know, I'm sorry".

 

So she told a boldface lie and I have timestamps to prove it. But then my husband was mad at me and blaming me, because he told me to call and I texted instead and we had to wait for her for almost 45 minutes.

Edited June 2, 2014 by Lisey9

[d0nnivain]

Your husband should have been stronger but your issue here is with him not her. Sit him down calmly & say we have to talk about that incident. Tell him that he put you on the spot asking you to contact her & you would prefer never to have to talk to her again. Because you didn't want drama you sent a text saying you were leaving. Show him the text & her reply. Ask him to note the time, then remind him that she lied when she told him that she didn't see it. Ask him for suggestions as to how you can avoid this in the future. Then work with him to keep her out of your marriage.

[Lisey9]

Your husband should have been stronger but your issue here is with him not her. Sit him down calmly & say we have to talk about that incident. Tell him that he put you on the spot asking you to contact her & you would prefer never to have to talk to her again. Because you didn't want drama you sent a text saying you were leaving. Show him the text & her reply. Ask him to note the time, then remind him that she lied when she told him that she didn't see it. Ask him for suggestions as to how you can avoid this in the future. Then work with him to keep her out of your marriage.

 

Agree that my issue is with my husband. He needs to stand up for me. I just think he so wants to be close to his sister again that he is fooling himself that she's still the same bitch she's always been.

 

I did tell him at the time about her text. I think that he wants so badly to have a good relationship with his sister, without having to confront her over anything or have a real discussion about her behavior (which I think my post is clear that she's just not a nice person for whatever reason, although she can be super fun and charming when she's trying to impress someone) that it was easier for him to side with her and he wanted some kind of bond with her. I don't really know.

 

I haven't thought this much about her in a really long time, but man I want to punch her in the face right now.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

He so desperate and grasping at straws. I tell you now, tell her off. Royally. Tell her to grow up and knock it off.

 

I finally stood up for myself and my SILS do not bother me anymore.

[pink_sugar]

He so desperate and grasping at straws. I tell you now, tell her off. Royally. Tell her to grow up and knock it off.

 

I finally stood up for myself and my SILS do not bother me anymore.

 

I agree. I also do not think the OP's husband is doing his duty to stick up for his wife and lay out some ground rules. I don't think I could be married to a man who allowed his relatives to treat me like crap and not say anything.

[Lisey9]

It is hard to "stand up" to her - personally, in most situations I have no idea how to do it without seeming confrontational, argumentative, or like I'm being too angry or oversensitive about something.

 

 

As far as my husband is concerned, when a particular behavior occurs that is obviously mean he calls her out on it; it's just that she is so sneaky and manipulative that this doesn't happen very often. That is why previously I pressed him to have a conversation with her, even though I think such a conversation wouldn't go well - she would just deny everything and I am the one who will look like I'm being crazy and dramatic.

 

 

His whole family does not know how to deal with conflict or be assertive, so they are all very passive aggressive with each other. Throughout our relationship he has gotten a lot better about this in his relationships with me, and most other people in his life, but he has not made any progress in his relationship with his family. That is why he just started ignoring her and limiting his contact with her before rather than actually having a conversation.

 

 

This is why I'm really struggling with the best way to handle this.

 

 

It is hard to be assertive with her because she will always deny and/or turn it back on me.

[d0nnivain]

The key to being assertive is voice control. Do not yell or scream. Keep your voice at a conversational tone, or quieter, at all times.

 

 

Think Teddy Roosevelt: Speak softly and carry a big stick.

 

 

It would be best to hash this out with her face to face. Sometimes as others have pointed out confronting the bully is the best way to diffuse their power.

 

 

When she pulls some crap when you are both together, call her over to the side & tell her this has to stop. Point out what she did. Tell her that if she has issues she needs to lay them out because you don't deserve to be treated in this manner.