Can you ever be "just friends"?

[Hope Shimmers]

That's not true at all. I'm friends with several of my ex-lovers, including an ex-fiance. And I mean totally platonic, no interest in anything even remotely sexual or romantic.

 

Oh, and in the case of the ones who are married, I'm friends with their spouses too.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I'm sure it is because I am a bs, I just do not get why someone who encourages you to lie and deceive friend material. This person had assisted you in hurting your spouse, your marriage, your kids. How is that friendship. The people I consider friends call me out on my shyt and encourage and nurture all that help me to be my best.

 

Because as painful as it may be to hear this, their relationship had nothing to do with you at the moment of the attraction. You were loved by your spouse, but unfortunately they also loved another person. They cared for another person and that other person cared back. At the moment of the affair you were not their top priority. Perhaps not trying to hurt you, but they actually formed a bond regardless of everyone else in their life. And in some way, their AP sees sides of them that you never did. Just like you saw sides that they didn't. It isn't about right and wrong it is just about attachment and missing the person.

[purplesorrow]

Though he says he always loved me, it is hard to believe and so I don't. He can't even say her name. Feels nothing but shame and disgust when it comes to her. I gave him an easy option to go to her on dday, he didn't want to. We have been separated a year and about to divorce and he still doesn't want her. He says she was never his friend nor him hers.

[Spark1111]

But I am friends with most of my exes. Why can't this work? And I don't want to hear about the morality of being friends with someone who you once had a secret with. I mean the reality of just discarding the affair mistake and starting over as friends? Not possible?

 

I am not of the mindset that it can't work, because IF it is strictly platonic, it most certainly can....

 

IF they are also a friend to your partner and your marriage or relationship.

 

IF they are not....if the relationship was secret or sexual AND they do not care about your spouse, are not friends with them or only care about your marriage in polite terms.....then NO!

 

Because NOTHING could be more disrespectful to your spouse than to have this ongoing "friend" relationship.

 

Selfish, selfish, selfish, IMO. Unless your spouse knows and approves of it.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I broke no contact yesterday, he responded saying he was willing to be my friend. We are not flirting, this is strictly platonic and I have to say I am SO relieved. I was in pain with it being silent. Just knowing we can at least be friends and talk is so much less hurtful. I hope it feels good in the long run,but in our case, I think it will. We never actually were physically intimate with each other so it may be a different story than most.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

My husband is friends with dozens of people that are not friends with me. I don't understand this criteria. If the relationship is over, there is no longer any romance and they are purely just a friend, then it is over and all is fine now..

 

I am not of the mindset that it can't work, because IF it is strictly platonic, it most certainly can....

 

IF they are also a friend to your partner and your marriage or relationship.

 

IF they are not....if the relationship was secret or sexual AND they do not care about your spouse, are not friends with them or only care about your marriage in polite terms.....then NO!

 

Because NOTHING could be more disrespectful to your spouse than to have this ongoing "friend" relationship.

 

Selfish, selfish, selfish, IMO. Unless your spouse knows and approves of it.

[notserene]

My husband is friends with dozens of people that are not friends with me. I don't understand this criteria. If the relationship is over, there is no longer any romance and they are purely just a friend, then it is over and all is fine now..

 

Personally I've never been able to maintain a true "friendship" with a former romantic partner. I don't hate them or wish them any harm.

 

If I ran into them on the street, I would be friendly to them, but I wouldn't be hanging out with them and sharing things.

 

I've been married for 10+ years and so have most of them, so the passage of time really doesn't have anything to do with it. I just think that the romantic/sexual connection, once established, is very unlikely to fade back into a "pure" friendship. Maybe other people are wired differently.

 

I think if you throw the affair dynamic in there, it makes returning to a platonic friendship even less likely.

Edited June 7, 2014 by notserene

[A.Moscote]

We are not flirting, this is strictly platonic...

If the relationship is over, there is no longer any romance and they are purely just a friend, then it is over and all is fine now..

 

If you can maintain it that way, then congrats, surely it will be fine. Now you don't have to be secretive anymore and can enjoy life with everyone around you openly.

 

 

My husband is friends with dozens of people that are not friends with me. I don't understand this criteria.

 

Maybe there's a misunderstanding here. Is the quote above a response to this:

 

IF they are not....if the relationship was secret or sexual AND they do not care about your spouse, are not friends with them or only care about your marriage in polite terms.....then NO!

 

I think "are not friends with them" here means "not friend to the marriage", in other words is harmful to the marriage. It does not relate to whether they are personally friends of your husband or not.

Sorry if I'm wrong, or if you already know that CMOW.

 

Anyway, I hope you can at last manage this trouble, and also improve your R with that cold husband of yours. If a friendship is what you want, then hopefully that is what you will get. Good luck.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Maybe "cold" was a typo? I have no idea if you meant to type that. Lol

 

My husband is far from cold. Have a very kind husband in a lot of ways.

 

If you can maintain it that way, then congrats, surely it will be fine. Now you don't have to be secretive anymore and can enjoy life with everyone around you openly.

 

 

 

 

Maybe there's a misunderstanding here. Is the quote above a response to this:

 

 

 

I think "are not friends with them" here means "not friend to the marriage", in other words is harmful to the marriage. It does not relate to whether they are personally friends of your husband or not.

Sorry if I'm wrong, or if you already know that CMOW.

 

Anyway, I hope you can at last manage this trouble, and also improve your R with that cold husband of yours. If a friendship is what you want, then hopefully that is what you will get. Good luck.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Perhaps, for me I am a bit repulsed at the idea of ever rekindling anything with my exes. I still talk I them and we are friendly (talk a bit on FB) but Usually when the relationship ends, so do my feelings of romance. I find it yucky to even think of them in a sexual way. Even if it was them breaking it off with me, my romantic sensibility dies too.

 

With my xMM I do still love him on some level, but at the same time, I can logically realize how much pain us connecting in a romantic way again would be for all parties involved so it turns me off to the idea. Of course he and I aren't hanging out with eachother in person, just giving updates and hopefully friendly support over time.

 

He is really too overwhelmed to even go there with me anyway, and if he did want to, I can't handle it. So friendship only please.

 

But no contact? Ugh, that sucked. I need at least low contact.

 

Personally I've never been able to maintain a true "friendship" with a former romantic partner. I don't hate them or wish them any harm.

 

If I ran into them on the street, I would be friendly to them, but I wouldn't be hanging out with them and sharing things.

 

I've been married for 10+ years and so have most of them, so the passage of time really doesn't have anything to do

 

 

with it. I just think that the romantic/sexual connection, once established, is very unlikely to fade back into a "pure" friendship. Maybe other people are wired differently.

 

I think if you throw the affair dynamic in there, it makes returning to a platonic friendship even less likely.

[whichwayisup]

I broke no contact yesterday, he responded saying he was willing to be my friend. We are not flirting, this is strictly platonic and I have to say I am SO relieved. I was in pain with it being silent. Just knowing we can at least be friends and talk is so much less hurtful. I hope it feels good in the long run,but in our case, I think it will. We never actually were physically intimate with each other so it may be a different story than most.

 

Doesn't matter if it wasn't physical, it was emotional, and it's still damaging. You're very attached to him and that puts a different spin on the friendship. As time goes on you'll see that he'll be in your head most of the time, taking thoughts and energy away from what's really important.

 

When you get access to private messages, PM me.

[whichwayisup]

My husband is friends with dozens of people that are not friends with me. I don't understand this criteria. If the relationship is over, there is no longer any romance and they are purely just a friend, then it is over and all is fine now..

 

There's a difference, he isn't having emotional affairs and inappropriate talks and feelings with his women friends. A spouse doesn't always have to be included in the friendship, but they should know the 'friend'.

 

If your husband had an affair, or fell in love with another woman I doubt you'd like that he was still friends with her, close with her, confiding in her after a tough day, texting and spending time together. Ex's are ex's for a reason, especially when it comes to an A ex's are not regular ex's. Hope that makes sense.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Doesn't matter if it wasn't physical, it was emotional, and it's still damaging. You're very attached to him and that puts a different spin on the friendship. As time goes on you'll see that he'll be in your head most of the time, taking thoughts and energy away from what's really important.

 

When you get access to private messages, PM me.

 

Okay! I have no idea how I would know when PM starts, but if I figure that out, I will let you know.

 

I dunno, I think everyone is different. I personally am not even thinking of xMM in a sexual way anymore like I did during the EA, and honestly I don't know when I will hear back again and I fine with that fact. I just like the fact that we had a bit of contact and closure. I thought he was mad at me and now we are friendly which makes me relieved. We won't go back to talking like we were at all. And he has physical ailments that are too overwhelming for him. But low contact fits my needs. I will likely talk to him on rare occasions, like to show him something if I think it matches him. And knowing him, he won't respond right away anyway. lol

[whichwayisup]

Perhaps, for me I am a bit repulsed at the idea of ever rekindling anything with my exes. I still talk I them and we are friendly (talk a bit on FB) but Usually when the relationship ends, so do my feelings of romance. I find it yucky to even think of them in a sexual way. Even if it was them breaking it off with me, my romantic sensibility dies too.

 

With my xMM I do still love him on some level, but at the same time, I can logically realize how much pain us connecting in a romantic way again would be for all parties involved so it turns me off to the idea. Of course he and I aren't hanging out with eachother in person, just giving updates and hopefully friendly support over time.

 

The difference is, ex's get over each other, detach and move on. It ends for a real reason (fighting, just isn't working out etc) but with affairs (EA/PA) as you know firsthand there's a different set of emotions involved. Affairs are not like regular relationships, feelings are felt deeper and more intense because it's secret and behind closed doors. You are over your ex's, moved on emotionally and aren't attached to them. Your (ex)MM you're still attached to emotionally and you have feelings for him. That investment takes away from what you feel intimately towards your husband on ALL levels.

 

You 'get' something out of contact. You feel different more settled and not as upset and out of place now that contact has been broken. Just compare how you've felt in the past bunch of weeks vs now that you're back in touch with exMM. THAT is not a normal healthy and platonic friendship. And your H and his W are excluded so that's not good either.

[A.Moscote]

Not a typo, sorry CMOW, I was wrong. Actually it's because you have mentioned in other thread that your H is not attracted to you, so I just assumed that he is cold. Sorry again. Here's the quote:

 

I will do my very best to try to feel attracted to someone who admittedly is not attracted to me either. I have shown him love, the lust and passion died every time he chose to sit in the computer chair and close the door and leave me alone in the other room. But I will still try.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Hmm, I can totally see what you are saying here on some respect. But I have actually missed and cried over the loss of a best friend (female) before and although I will admit to having felt romantically for him, the entire experience of heartbreak over the end did make me feel like it was a break up like a normal relationship and what I miss now is more so the friendship we had. Just like I have had with my girl friends. He would often give me support for my art and music. Make me laugh or inform me about interesting little things. I really don't have a lot of friends and that is why I felt the loss of his friendship. One less friend when I already had so few was felt deeply. On his end how ever, he has a ton of friends and kids, so I think his attachment to me was not as strong. Which is good, our connection can be healthy I think. As long as he doesn't feel deeply for me, we are safe. And I don't think he does. In fact he may find me tediously odd hehhe

 

The difference is, ex's get over each other, detach and move on. It ends for a real reason (fighting, just isn't working out etc) but with affairs (EA/PA) as you know firsthand there's a different set of emotions involved. Affairs are not like regular relationships, feelings are felt deeper and more intense because it's secret and behind closed doors. You are over your ex's, moved on emotionally and aren't attached to them. Your (ex)MM you're still attached to emotionally and you have feelings for him. That investment takes away from what you feel intimately towards your husband on ALL levels.

 

You 'get' something out of contact. You feel different more settled and not as upset and out of place now that contact has been broken. Just compare how you've felt in the past bunch of weeks vs now that you're back in touch with exMM. THAT is not a normal healthy and platonic friendship. And your H and his W are excluded so that's not good either.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Not a typo, sorry CMOW, I was wrong. Actually it's because you have mentioned in other thread that your H is not attracted to you, so I just assumed that he is cold. Sorry again. Here's the quote:

 

Not sure why I wasn't Able to quote the quote, but in response. Yes, sometimes I want to take my husbands computer, rip it out of the wall, throw it out the window while yelling "don't let door hit you in the a%^ on the way out you stupid computer!!!". And yes, my husband has told me that he would be more attracted to me if I lost some weight which I do resent him for (although I understand it on some level) But, also, my husband is a very sweet guy, he is multifaceted like all of us. I am angry and love him. It is confusing. I wish life was simple.

[A.Moscote]

Yeah, everyone with their own weaknesses. Now that I read it though, I can see why you want the friendship with your xEAP so much, it's the case of what your H lacks, your xEAP is good at. A bit of irony though is that a computer guy's wife has had an affair, online. Indeed, not a simple life.

 

Oh btw, the quote is from a locked thread, your first thread when you mistakenly presented your case in the inf section, like a piece of meat to the lions (again, your words I think).

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Maybe ironic... But it is rather modern, no? I mean, letters are a bit outdated albeit even more romantic.

 

I mean, I am not WITHOUT a computer. I have the internet on my phone. Trust me, it isn't my husband staring at my back like it is with me staring at his.

 

But perhaps being left all the time alone while your partner someone stares at the screen with constant urging to not do so would have led to a different outcome. (hopefully all of these computer obsessed men may take something away from this)

 

Yes. The meat thrown to lions comparison was exactly how it felt.

 

And yes. This xMM did fill in a lot of alone time. Frankly, if I just had a few more good girl friends maybe he wouldn't have been needed. But my luck with finding some nice friends is very difficult. I had lost so many female friends because of my career. This man was making me feel good when I was feeling invisible, unsupported and alone in my career. If I could have created all of my music and art just for him. I would have been perfectly happy to do so.

 

Yeah, everyone with their own weaknesses. Now that I read it though, I can see why you want the friendship with your xEAP so much, it's the case of what your H lacks, your xEAP is good at. A bit of irony though is that a computer guy's wife has had an affair, online. Indeed, not a simple life.

 

Oh btw, the quote is from a locked thread, your first thread when you mistakenly presented your case in the inf section, like a piece of meat to the lions (again, your words I think).

Edited June 7, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[littleplanet]

Oh boy.

Luv this stuff.

 

As usual (waffle waffle)

 

It depends, it depends, it depends (and when you're done all that)

it depends all over again.

 

Some folks can sky dive.

Some folks adore alligator wrestling.

Some folks can even survive a black widow bite.

 

While others would be done like dinner.

 

What sort of friendship?

(There's friendship and then there's friendship.)

 

For instance: If you're the sort of person who, once the mind is made up, the horizontal hootchie kootchie with a past partner is definitely OFF the menu for good and all.......(and the past partner happens to be built the same way - which, is sort of what might have attracted you to them in the first place)............well then, you can now enjoy into eternity the simple pleasure of their company, without further complications.

Is this highly unlikely?

For many, yes. For all and sundry - definitely no.

 

Now, I hasten to say, I've done this little thing. But that's just me.

 

I've often pondered this.

Some people do actually become 'soul mates' (in divers' ways) who simply cannot ever live with each other in sublime harmony, and undertake the conventional partnership.....

Yet the bond is a powerful one. And remains so.

Sometimes......lifelong. (through that soft parade of exes...)

 

I've heard enough sad stories in my life, about this one.

If the flesh remains weak, I suppose - then no further relationships for either one will abide by the shenanigans.

But of course there are exceptions to this rule.

Enough of them - that one wonders what sort of rule it stands by.

 

Sometimes people 'settle'.

(And the settler keeps coming up number two.)

Not a good thing.

Yet on the other hand - with various boundaries in place - this is a manageable thing. (It depends..... )

 

Weird.

Most people I've ever known who were actually successful with this?

- tended to be creative types.

Dreamers.

Not necessarily schemers, at all.

Soft-hearted.

But iron-willed.

 

Looking from the outside?

If you see damage, then it's a bad show.

If no damage done, who's to know?

 

Personally, my own comfort zone always came when the "chef" re-wrote the menu.

One way only.......fire the chef.

Both ways............that alternative restaurant works just fine.

[A.Moscote]

Hey you are that poet tdb and M30 like. Nice words and advice.

 

But don't you think, for the creative types, when they see the damage, it's effortless for them to twist it into an art, a beneficient (for themselves) and harmless incident? What follow then is success in their mould.

[janedoe67]

I think the wrong word is being used.

 

CAN you be just friends? People CAN do all sorts of things. I CAN climb the tree in my front yard.

 

The bigger question is SHOULD you? If you care at all about the BS you betrayed, SHOULD you insist it is your right to stay friends with the person you cheated WITH?

 

Maybe I'm just a sap. I'm thinking....no

[littleplanet]

Hey you are that poet tdb and M30 like. Nice words and advice.

 

But don't you think, for the creative types, when they see the damage, it's effortless for them to twist it into an art, a beneficient (for themselves) and harmless incident? What follow then is success in their mould.

 

 

 

ahh yes.

That particular moral dilemma.

(The 'Fleetwood Mac Syndrome)

Psyche evaluators love that one, no doubt.

Create emotional mayhem, in order to have wonderful crazy stuff to write songs about (that millions of people love and adore, because they can universally relate!) and make ga$$illion$ in the process!!!

(if only it were that easy.)

 

But I get where you're coming from.

Many........succesful and otherwise......'artistas' have had real lousy love lives. Not necessarily barren of bedfellows, mind you -

just lousy.

In terms of faithful long-lasting partnerships.

However, think of the exceptions to that rule:

Paul and Linda McCartney, for one.

(and many others who no-one knows about - because the gossip mills don't follow them....no leverage there.)

 

I've often pondered that:

Just imagine having the sordid details of your infidelities and marital chaos spattered about the media.

You gets whatcha pays for - and pays for whatcha gets.

 

Which is maybe why almost all of the creative types I previously mentioned - aren't rich and famous. (They don't possess THAT talent?)

 

Funny thing about that. Out of all the love songs I ever wrote, I never once considered a "put-down" trashin' and complainin" one - because unless I was writing about a writer - they would have no logical means of retaliating. I guess I just figured fair is fair.

 

But back to your point:

 

Creative types are known to think outside the box. They try like the dickens not to, but just can't seem to help it, somehow.

This maybe is just one of those ways.

Not at all a better or worse thing - just different.

(If I couldn't have handled it - I wouldn't have done it.)

 

When I was a very young man, I saw some damage. Then I learned how to do it proper. But still.....that's just me.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

regardless if that is YOUR bigger question, it isn't the question stated originally in this forum and is therefore off topic.

 

When you throw in your individual morality into the mix you are naively expecting that other people have the same.

 

I think the wrong word is being used.

 

CAN you be just friends? People CAN do all sorts of things. I CAN climb the tree in my front yard.

 

The bigger question is SHOULD you? If you care at all about the BS you betrayed, SHOULD you insist it is your right to stay friends with the person you cheated WITH?

 

Maybe I'm just a sap. I'm thinking....no

[littleplanet]

I think the wrong word is being used.

 

CAN you be just friends? People CAN do all sorts of things. I CAN climb the tree in my front yard.

 

The bigger question is SHOULD you? If you care at all about the BS you betrayed, SHOULD you insist it is your right to stay friends with the person you cheated WITH?

 

Maybe I'm just a sap. I'm thinking....no

 

 

Aha!

Two operative words.

Should.

and....

Cheat.

(place in bowl and beat well with Betrayal)

 

You got it.

That ain't fudge brownies.

That's dark brown matter of a whole different aroma!

 

Time to put the dawg out and powder his behind!

- no sap about it.

 

(which is probably where the iron-willed morals come into play)

 

Human nature is a funny thing.

Supposedly it drove Tamerlane to stampede horses over children, Pol Pot to trash a nation, and all manner of assorted outlaws to justify their behavior.

But I don't call that human nature.......natural.

 

We can ponder - is anybody ever that good? Probably not.

But still - we do try to raise the bar.

A heart can be foolish (heaven knows) but it can also be wise, at times.

 

I always figured what it needed to be most......is just honest.

(freedom is a relative thing.....)