How to I get him out of my life

[LadyRLD]

I am new to this site. But I have been reading posts on here for about a year. I love this site!!! Now I feel comfortable enough to post my situation. All responses good or bad are welcomed. I need whatever strengh I can get to end this emotional roller coaster even if I get bashed. It may wake me up to realize how stupid I have been.

 

I am an OW. I met this guy who is engaged. He's been with his girlfriend since he was 17. So they have been together for about 13 years and engaged for who knows how long. He still hasn't married her but they have four kids. He's 29. When I first met him I thought he would be fun to date casually as I was led to believe that he was unhappy in his situation. He was calling me everyday and he told me he loved me. Everytime I let him go, he either sends me an email or shows up at my place looking soo pathetic. Fortunately I have to buzz him in to the building in order for him to get to my condo. So it is easy to avoid.

 

Through the course of two years, I find out that he is a serial cheater. He has never been loyal to his fiancee or girlfriend or whatever you call it :0) The only reason he proposed to her was because she tried to leave him and that was the only way he could get her back. Now he still cheats on her constantly but she's bisexual so I think she dates girls on the side. It's a really f*&ked up relationship. He only thinks about himself and his needs. To tell you the truth, I don't know why I feel attached to this loser. I just need encouragement and some advice on how to break this cylce and stay away. My life seems like it got boring when he came into it.

 

Do I have to send him an email to end it? Or could I just simply disappear? Do I owe this a*&hole an explanation? Every time I leave he sends me some email telling me how much he misses me blah, blah blah. But I go back to him because I start to feel sorry for him. Which is totally my fault. Maybe because I am lonely and he's easy. I have been trying to date single guys but they are so wrapped up in their single life that they forget to call me :0) This guy is set in his boring life so he keeps his excitement by calling me. I admit I have been selfish and had not thought about his girlfriend. I figure she knows about his cheating and accepted him so she will never leave him no matter what. He would never leave her. He brought one girl home that he cheated on her with and she ended up dating the girl too. I could just imagine how messed up the children are going to be when they grow up. It's sad.

 

I don't want him as my own as you can see he is pretty messed up. I don't thnk he's perfect or Mr. Wonderful like most OW. When he comes around I get sooo depressed because he never seems happy. So his depression wears off on me and drains me and all I want to do is end it but I can't cause I feel sorry for him. I just want to gather the strengh to get him out of my life for good without feeling like I am hurting him. Which sounds weird but it's hard to be mean when you look into sad puppy dog eyes. There is some kind of weird attachment though. I just can't seem to shake it. It's not love as I have never been in love before but would know it if I felt it. He's just hard to let go of for reasons I don't even understand. I am going to get some counseling.

 

Sorry for the long post and repetition. This is actually helping me knowing that I have others to help me as my friends just say insensitive things like "just move on" or "you have to get him out of your life." Yes, I am emotionally unavailable. I am going to get counseling for that. My parents brought me up like you would bring up your son. They told me to show any emotion is to show weakness. They even taught me not to cry or made me feel bad if I did cry in front of people or even in front of them. Now that I am 29, I know that that's not healthy. But I am so set in my ways that it will take time to change this about me. Plus my parents disowned me when I moved out of their house at 21. I have not spoken to them in a year because I gave up trying. They just reject me each time I tried to win their affection and approval. The more they rejected me the more pieces of my self-esteem and heart disappeared. My parents are Christian and very religious. Instead of helping they figure I am just a lost soul so they disposed of me. During that transition of detaching from my folks, I met Mr. Wonderful :0) I was so desperate to have someone around because I thought my parents were my reason for existence. Now that their gone, I needed someone to win affection of. I kind of used him to fulfill the father role since he has children. I wish I could understand why I feel like i need him in my life.

 

He won't let me go as I am a convenient side chick for him plus I am not emotional by any means. I just need to know if I have to communicate with this person to end it or would it be too harsh just to walk away and don't look back and just ignore his calls or emails forever. I have no problem doing that. I just want another point of view to make sure I don't go back. Even though he seems heartless he's still human. I know if I tell him I don't want to see him anymore, he would say something like "you can't just keep throwing people away like your parents did you." Because that's exactly what he said the last time I ended it. I don't want to be like my parents. I never tried the disappearing act. It work on me when my parents did it. I guess there is no right or wrong way. Help me, I am sooo confused as to why I can't walk away when I don't even love the man.

[fanou22]

If you really want to let him go and know that you are weak whenever you receive an e-mail or a phone call from him then let him go.

Block his e-mail and phone number.

Don't answer him if comes buzzing.

Avoid him at all cost.

 

In a couple of weeks he will figure it out.

If you really think he is an a**hole then by all means cut him off without any explanation.

[SoleMate]

"He won't let me go..."

 

 

WTF!!!!!

 

 

That's like saying,

 

"The car salesman won't let me walk out of here without buying a car."

 

"My boss won't let me quit."

 

"The counter boy at Krusty Burger won't let me stop buying Quarter Pounders."

 

If you WANT to stop, you stop. If someone attempts to kidnap you or otherwise use force majeure on you, you call the law down on that person. Otherwise, live your life. Sheesh. It's one of those days.

[newby]

you sound very confused to me,

i dont know what to make of it really.

if you want to leave then just do it, just leave.

if you want to leave but make sure he is alright well you cant really do that, but people cope with worse things and in the long run you'll be doing him a favour, he sounds like he needs to get some clarity in his own life

[LadyRLD]

Thanks for reading my posts. You are right. He will figure it out.

 

Solemate: Your post really woke me up. You are right, I can do what I want to do. He's grown ass man, he'll get over it.

 

I am going to live my life starting today because it's my birthday!!!!

[DinNJ]

Happy Birthday!!! It's your day... enjoy it.

[newby]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lynnered]

"I don't want him as my own as you can see he is pretty messed up. I don't think he's perfect or Mr. Wonderful like most OW. When he comes around I get sooo depressed because he never seems happy. So his depression wears off on me and drains me and all I want to do is end it but I can't cause I feel sorry for him. I just want to gather the strength to get him out of my life for good without feeling like I am hurting him."

"Yes, I am emotionally unavailable"

"He won't let me go as I am a convenient side chick for him plus I am not emotional by any means."

all the things you say about yourself do not sound as if you would have attachment issues,i mean your saying I'm not emotional,i am emotionally unavailable ,i don't understand then why your still dealing with him?

don't take it the wrong way ,i became that way(emotionally unattached)

i became that way at the end with my xmm its been 3 weeks no tears nothing life goes on ,i still think of him everyday but in time that will change.

you owe him nothing change your #s ,email's &let go i am only saying this because some things you say don't make sense ,i read a reply you wrote someone &it was great advice why don't you try that?

and letting him throw up the issue with your family in your face ,this is a different situation ,stop making excuses for staying just let it go ,life is short i wasted 4 years of my life,and hopefully you'd rather learn from the mistakes of others? don't know how long you've been with him ,but if you want no future, have no attachment,and see him for the jerk he is

i don't get why you stay keep reading these posts &keep posting ,i think i read 1 where a mm left and she didn't sound as if it was perfect ,so good luck &i wish you find the strength that is inside of you &use it to do whatever is best for you .

[LadyRLD]

Lynnered. Thank you. My feelings were pretty mixed up in my message. I guess those were the feelings I was experiencing dealing with him. Mixed. I felt I kept him around as my excitement but then again I was bored (WTF). I wasn't making sense to my own self. I've been with him for about 2 years. I feel like you, I don't nearly feel like crying. There isn't a reason why I keep him around. I guess like I said he was something to do. I am going to find different things to do and be excited about. Things that don't confuse me. I am going to take your advice and change my numbers.

 

I feel free already!!! I love you all here. You are all good people. I don't feel so lonely now :0)

 

Thanks for the Happy Birthday DinNJ.

[lynnered]

your doing good!!!makes me so sad to hear others though go through it!!

almost 3weeks i didn't change my tn i got do not disturb so if he calls he cant get through ,

i broke up with him but when i do think of when i would break it off before i would miss the fun ,long talks &intimate moments now I'm so relieved even though he's said he thinks of this as just a break ,he said he was leaving ,i told him this was our last shot we've been going back &forth this year i told him i had a time frame in my head then i was out,but i couldnt do it i became sad,mean &at the point i didn't care how it ended good terms bad i wanted it done .

i feel allot better i hope if you really want to leave you get to that point ,i still think of him everyday ,sometimes I'm sad on way to work&when he would be going to work cause we always talked but it gets easier i promise,other things become more important ,your more important &i hope you realize it very soon.

[MsMree]

First, Happy Birthday (albeit, belated!).

 

It sounds like this man (can i safely use that term referring to him?) will have you replaced as soon as he realizes that you are not there for him any longer -

 

it has nothing to do with you - he is just someone who is VERY needy and will do whatever he has to in order to get his immature needs met - sounds like he has unresolved "Mommy Issues" AND YOU AINT HIS MAMA!!!

 

LOL!!! (if you knew me you'd be crack'n-up about the YOU AINT comment - i am constantly "ragged" about my "properness"!! hehehe!).