Fluctuating Confidence

[R3d]

If you have read my threads before, you know I am that dude who complains about his height, different race, and have a lot of self-loathing going on.

 

Well I will tell you this. Whenever I post those things is when I am at my local minimum. A lot of times I will go some time without posting anything like that, and that's when my confidence hits a high tide (which isn't actually high, but relative to what I am usually at).

 

Basically, there is this cycle I have fallen into. I self-loathe > expose my self-loathing on forums > people pacify me, tell me why it's not as big of a deal as I am making it out to be > feel okay for a few days > eventually start self-loathing again (a lot of times after hearing about other people online having a really hard time with dating due to being short or being a different ethnicity or just developing another crush which a lot of times naturally makes me insecure because I start thinking about how I am most likely going to get rejected, largely due to my height and ethnicity) > repeat

 

So basically, my confidence fluctuates like a sine graph (but a little wider), and has been for the last few months.

 

How do I always, or if not always, at least most of the time, maintain high confidence permanently and break out of this cycle?

[R3d]

You know, it's not even reading stuff on the internet that makes me insecure, as much as I think the biggest factor that makes me fall back into insecurity is seeing tall (especially ones who are also white) dudes at school - talking, laughing, flirting, just having a good ****ing time, and especially when I see them with their girlfriends. I tear up on the inside and start self-loathing again. I realize my height and race isn't the culprit for my alienation at school, but it still does give the illusion that it does. But whatever, the year is coming to an end anyway, so there is no point in trying to do anything now. Better luck next year.

 

So I guess this this is the time when I am approaching my local minimum confidence level (sort of having a bad day in general so that might also be a factor in why I am feeling so low right now). I just hate looking different. BEING different is not an issue (I am not afraid to be who I am, for the most part), but LOOKING different bugs the **** out of me.

[learning_slowly]

Can you not join a gym?

Can you not excel at school?

 

You're looking at why you're not confident? Confidence comes from being good at something.

 

If you are still at school, you easily have the time to get good at things. But do you have the determination?

 

If you do, look for things you would want in a partner and achieve those things.

Would you wan them to be fit?

Would you want them to be clever?

Would you want them to take an interest in the things you enjoyed?

Would you want them to be emphatic to others?

[R3d]

I excel a violin (playing for 8.5 years), I have been working out recently (no lifting though, just bodyweight exercises and cardiovascular - I don't want to risk stunting my growth). I am also quite smart, kind, mature , and down-to-earth (I have heard the first three quite a bit from adults and people I know online). As side interests, I am into tennis, TaeKwonDo (currently suspended), and League of Legends (not anything to be proud of, but then again, I don't play that much).

 

I am quite satisfied with who I am as a person. Its just my looks I tear myself over...and the following:

 

I am also introverted and socially awkward added to the fact that I am alienated at school. And many girls didn't even give me a chance to show myself (they walked away right after I tried to engage them in conversation). And the few that did, I blew it with because I was awkward, because I am inexperienced.

 

But really, as a person, I like myself. I just hate the genetics I have been dealt.

[R3d]

Call it shallow if you want, but looks matter man. Sexual attraction is a necessity for a romantic relationship.

 

This is why I don't agree with people who chastise and put down both guys and girls (even if the girls are being accused of being shallow because they only date tall guys) for being shallow. It's human nature to be shallow. You can't control what you're attracted to.

 

In fact, the only reason romantic relationships exist is because of sexual attraction.

 

And here's my logic:

 

I am not sexually attractive therefore how are girls supposed to like me in a romantic manner?

 

EDIT: And folks, this is what I feel like when my confidence hits its minimum. See the thing is, my confidence is dominantly based on looks. That's why it's so low.

[learning_slowly]

Call it shallow if you want, but looks matter man. Sexual attraction is a necessity for a romantic relationship.

 

This explains why there are so many rich ugly men with beautiful wives?

 

Confidence also matters as does money to support.

 

If you don't have the looks, work on the other 2.

 

As for talking to girls, are you going for ones that are out of your league?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

It'd be nice if you could put a picture on your profile so we can at least see what we're working with here.

[R3d]

This explains why there are so many rich ugly men with beautiful wives?

 

Confidence also matters as does money to support.

 

If you don't have the looks, work on the other 2.

 

As for talking to girls, are you going for ones that are out of your league?

Not always. Sometimes yes; sometimes I don't think so. And a lot of times, I find girls hot that my friends don't.

[R3d]

If you click on my username, there should be a picture in my albums. Sorry, it's turned sideways.

 

Also, I usually spike my hair. That picture just has my hair normal with no style.

 

And for those of you who don't know, I am 16, so that's why I still have that baby face.

 

Its not the actual looks I am worried about too much (I am still developing). When I say looks, I am mainly referring to height. But my "looks" aren't that good either.

[R3d]

Actually, yeah I need to make quite a few improvements. First, like I said, I usually spike my hair. Second, I am getting contacts this summer. Third, I realize I kind of need to fix my eyebrows.

[dichotomy]

Lifting will not stunt your growth but it will help with confidence. Have you ever considered some martial arts ?

 

Playing music is an amazing skill. When your down you do need to 1) Focus on your positive points 2) Realize it could always be worse and for many it is - coping with all sorts of issues you dont.

[R3d]

I am sorry man. I would love to lift. It's just that both my dad and my friend's dad stopped growing once they lifted weights. I really don't want to take the risk. Once I finish growing, I will be hitting the gym. And it's not like I don't work out. Also, I am in TaeKwonDo, but that's currently suspended until next fall and tennis, as I said above.

[Glinda.Good]

It may be that your internet postings when you're feeling unconfident are not helping, but hindering you. You are in a cycle. Expressing this stuff and getting assuaged about it is probably perpetuating it.

 

I know you are feeling insecure and bad about your height, race, etc.. You certainly know it. People can help you feel better for a minute, but what you really need is to figure out how to internalize the better feelings.

 

So when you are feeling lower that dirt about your height, you can tell yourself, "well, I feel like this frequently, but it passes, and I know I can actually live a good life no matter how tall I am."

 

And try not to give the negativity much power.

 

I'm sure you know that fluctuation of confidence is a hallmark of being a teenager. Try to know what it is when it's happening and ride it out.

 

You CAN.

[learning_slowly]

I am sorry man. I would love to lift. It's just that both my dad and my friend's dad stopped growing once they lifted weights. I really don't want to take the risk.

 

What is your standard of education? Weights stunting your growth! Where did you come up with this theory? Your height will be mainly determined by your genes and nutrition.

 

It seems to me you are finding excuses not to exercise to sort out your weight. But in a years time, will you look back and wish you had come up with the excuses or done something to change?

 

If you can't believe science and still feel weights will stunt your growth, use lighter weights and do something like crossfit

[Always Pondering]

What is your standard of education? Weights stunting your growth! Where did you come up with this theory? Your height will be mainly determined by your genes and nutrition.

 

It seems to me you are finding excuses not to exercise to sort out your weight. But in a years time, will you look back and wish you had come up with the excuses or done something to change?

 

If you can't believe science and still feel weights will stunt your growth, use lighter weights and do something like crossfit

 

I believe the only thing that really "stunts" growth with lifting is improper posture with your spine and that only comes with improper posture of course. Stretching and working out with proper form so you don't screw over your joints and what not takes care of that though. I might be wrong but that's what I've heard.

 

So I agree with learning_slowly and dichotomy.