Are people really capable of change?

[KJP]

I dated my ex for five years. It has been a year and a half since our breakup and we have been in no contact for over a year. Tonight he texts me and apologized for the way he treated me. He said that he is really regretful. Can people really change?

[Frank13]

No, people don't change.

 

Besides, he didn't say he wants you back. He is probably just a little lonely and feeling nostalgic.

[lil hoodlum]

Of course people can change.

 

Sometimes they change for the better.

 

 

Sometimes they change for the worse.

[David87]

Yes people can change. Who dumped who in this situation ?

[No Limit]

They can change, but rarely do. Maybe 2 out of 100.

 

Don't let a breadcrumb deceive you though. If he'd have sincere feelings he wouldn't need a full year of silence to figure it out.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Depending on what he did to you that he is so regretful for, yes, I'd like to think that people can change.

 

At the same time, tread carefully.

 

I have always lived by one of Maya Angelou's famous quotes, "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them".

 

This has saved me a lot of heartache in recent years and not just with romantic relationships.

 

Good luck.

[jphcbpa]

yes, people can change.

 

I would not assume this is him wanting to get back with you. Perhaps he is seeing some truths and learning some things about himself, love and life.

[PhillyConnection23]

Yes people change. They change all the time, for better or for worse.

 

People grow up, they change. People have children, they change. People lose a parent, they change. People lose or start a job, they change. A million reasons why.

 

The problem is that after a break up a lot of people don't understand what caused the break up or what about them or their partner was hurting the relationship. Also a lot of people don't take the time (or effort) to seriously critique themselves, their partner and their relationship to decide what happened and why. This could mean admitting your own shortcomings or failures.

 

If someone does this and is capable of acknowledging their faults and working to correct the behavior, yes they can change.

[mattny]

Im living proof that people can change. I had some bad habits, due to some circumstances I was really in a dark place. I got out of it though.

 

Has she changed? Prolly not since she dumped me. Her loss though.

[writergal]

People only change if they want to change. You have to make a choice to take a chance, or your life will never change.

 

George Bernard Shaw said, "those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything."

[Zapbasket]

People only change if they want to change.

 

I think this is key. People only change when their way of being debilitates them in some way and they are forced to examine their habits. They have to hit rock bottom in some respect, and even then, change is not guaranteed. All that is guaranteed is that they are broken, they recognize that they are broken, and thus is created a window of openness to trying something different. With the openness must also come the commitment to breaking old habits and to introspection. Depending upon how powerful the person's defenses and capacity for denial are, however, that window of openness can slam shut before any actual change has been achieved.

 

It's also important to realize, as well, that usually when we have to ask, "Can s/he change?" regarding a specific person, it's because that person has demonstrated a striking unwillingness to self-examine in order to minimize destructive behaviors. Such people--the people who perhaps most "need" to change--are unfortunately also the people LEAST likely to change.

 

So then the question becomes not, "Can so-and-so change?" but rather, "Why would I put my energy into hoping a person with poor behavior will change instead of holding out for a person of whom it's never necessary to ask, 'Can s/he change?'"

 

The people we don't ask, "Can s/he change?" are people who are always, actively striving to be better people. They have faults and defenses and stubborn moments, of course, but they usually manage to get back on track to examining their behavior and trying to amend it--and they usually do so without prompting from other people. They are open to feedback and amenable to change because they genuinely care how their behaviors impact others. If they cannot help themselves, they seek help, also without prompting.

 

I say all this as someone who has spent far too much of her time hoping others will change. Also, I am trying very hard to change this pattern of mine and so I speak from the trenches when I say change is damn hard to implement and maintain, even when you a) clearly see what you need to change and b) really want to change.

[learning_slowly]

Yes, they can change, but it usually takes something dramatic for somebody to change.

 

Maybe something has happened to him to make him change, however has he asked to get back together?

 

Also after all this time, why are you so willing to get back together?

 

It suggests to me you may not have enough going on in your life. Which means you are most likely to be really hurt if it goes wrong again.

 

If the opportunity to get back together does arise, just make sure you are prepared to for it to go wrong

[Zapbasket]

The above said, however, I just want to add that it *is* promising that your ex offered an apology. I also had an ex from a 5-year relationship who called me after 1.5 years of no-contact, but all he said was that he was "calling to say hi" and he hoped we could "talk in the near future." No apology and one was sorely needed given the way he broke up with me.

 

I really struggled with it, but ultimately I never called him back because he really didn't leave me anything to go on. I suspect, however, that I'd have been disappointed, as he was hopelessly non-communicative in our relationship.

 

Maybe give your ex a shot, if you want to. An apology in itself is a "change," if only because it's a recognition that where you thought you were "right" or "indifferent" before, you now think you were wrong.

 

Edited to add: beyond the initial text, have you had any further communication with your ex? Give us an update!

[tobe1424]

very simple.

 

Some people change and some don't - mysteries of the mind. Just leave it at that.

 

you can go around in circles trying to change others. Or you can keep it simple and change yourself.

[Glinda.Good]

Yes, people can and do change. I don't think they often change the way we'd like them to, though.

 

I would take the apology from your ex as sincere, but not read anything further into it. I hope you have been able to move on and are in a different place than you were when you broke up.

[Ziz]

No. I don't think people can change completely as far as this aspect of a relationship is concerned.

[Zapbasket]

OP, you've gotten me hooked! What happened? After that initial text, was there any further communication? Please fill us in

 

I looked back over some of your old threads but couldn't get a bead on what he felt he had done wrong--except, of course, breaking up with you. Has his employment situation changed? Because that could have given him the needed confidence to reach out.

 

You asked in old threads whether it's possible for men to "just not think about it." I have always thought similarly to you: How on earth could someone just cut out uncomfortable thoughts or memories? But my best friend has convinced me that people are very capable of this; the capacity for denial in some people is pretty staggering. We all use denial to protect ourselves from uncomfortable feelings or thoughts, but some people take it to a level that others of us can't even conceptualize. This goes across gender, but men tend to be more able to compartmentalize than women.

 

A new idea I'm trying to come to terms with: some people never have to face the truth, their denial is so powerful. They literally go their WHOLE LIVES never confronting the truth. But as a result, they also NEVER GROW. I think it's possible my ex may be like this. It sounds like your ex at least is able to reflect on his behavior, so that's a good thing.