friend falling for me..

[sarah12]

Here's my story..

 

I haven't had very many relationships, more of a serial dater type, very picky I suppose..but I tend to have fallen for guys who are real jerks, wanting just sex, etc. I don't entirely blame them, I'm sure at times I've gotten tired of the dating game and didn't mind a good time every so often.

 

Anyhow, I haven't had a boyfriend in about two years, I did find one guy who really interested me and we dated for a couple of months, but his ex had a lot of issues that he had to deal with and so we stopped dating, even though it was the most meaningful dating experience I have ever had thus far (i'm 23). Anyways, that was a year ago, and it took almost a year to get over it, but I'm fine now. (let's call him ryan)

 

So while dating ryan, I met all his friends and became good friends with them too, we all hang out together on a weekly basis. So recently, one of his friends that I've known almost as long as I've known ryan, has shown some serious interest. Let's call this guy Adam. Like me, adam hasn't had a lot of relationships either, and doesn't really date a whole lot. But we've become pretty good friends in recent months, and now we talk on the phone every other day or so, and online. We usually go out in groups but he has asked me to go places with just him a few times now, or to just go over to his place and watch a movie and I always manage a way to weasel out of it..because I'm afraid of a) hurting him if he brings up the topic of us..b) that i might actually like him, but I'm not sure if I do..so I don't want to mess things up...

 

I think he is a great guy and would be a great boyfriend to any girl, but I'm not sure how I feel about him.

Since I can't sort out my thoughts and what they really mean, I'll list out the issues in point form:

 

- I think he is really good looking, but I don't know if I feel attracted to him

- When he isn't around or he doesn't want to come hang out with us, I am a bit disappointed cause I do like his company

- He is good friends Ryan- not sure what the guy etiquette on that is...Ryan and I mutually agree that dating each other was a significant milestone in our lives..(another long story to that one..)

- Sometimes I think that I just like the attention Adam gives me

- Sometimes I think that the reason I won't give into his moves is because I am subconsciously scared of committment and don't know what it's like be with a guy who could actually treat me really well for once

- The main problem is that I can't figure out why I don't like him when he has so many good qualities - he's friendly, outgoing, knows how to be a man, is polite, intellectually stimulating and isn't afraid to show feelings/emotions - these are the things I look for in a guy, so why don't I like him?

 

 

Help please!

[Magus]

Well, from what you said about yourself and Ryan and Adam, I'd say DON'T DATE HIM.

He likes you. That much seems obvious. You don't like him in "that" way. That much IS obvious.

Your too young (seemingly) emotionally to comit. He's the friend of your "milestone". Make a choice n stick with it. If you try to play both of 'em your gonna lose both of 'em. Simple fact hun. Enjoy your youth, you won't stay young forever. Let him down easy though. He seems to be in the early thrall stages.

[AndrewJ]

I agree with Magus.

 

However if things do not turn out with Ryan and u ebgin to feel unhappy there is always adam.

 

By the way can thye both cook?

 

George harrison and Eric clapton had aguitar soloing competion over a girl once, clapton won and got georges wife.

 

Love ya man sister

[sarah12]

But what if this is a sign that I have always been attracted to the wrong kind of guy, and for once, a really great guy likes me and maybe I should try it out?

 

Also, dating Ryan again is not an option at this point in time, he is dating his ex girlfriend. So although he may be a factor for Adam (or maybe not since he still likes me despite the fact I dated his friend), he isn't for me..we are done and probably will never get back together.

 

Emotionally young -- I agree to a certain extent. While I am not a young girl anymore, and I am very successful in life, school, have a good head on my shoulders in every other aspect of my life, I just cannot figure out why things never work out for me in the relationship department. Or maybe everyone is the same way, but I just take it more personally b/c I feel like almost everything else in my life is just perfect so I don't know why it can't be the same when it comes to my love life. Also, I know that from what people have told me, I am an attractive girl with a unique personality and very intelligent, guys ask me out all the time, so what gives? why doesn't any of them ever work out? anyways, that is a whole other topic...

 

so back to the original one...

[crisp]

I read your post and smiled. You're a bit like me: you overanalyse everything.

 

Girl, get out and have fun. Take Adam to dinner, talk to him and see where it leeds you.

 

You know, datng him does not mean a promise to bear his children.

 

chill out. And... who the hell care what Ryan does? I think you don't want to date Adam because you still have hopes that ryan might be back in your life. Newflash: he ain't. Because he lost that chance.

 

 

So go on with your life. With Adam or with someone else. You wouldn't believe how short your 20's are .

 

Chill and enjoy your life. And... stop thinking so much .

[sarah12]

crisp - you are right, I know that I think too much!! I will try not to..but here's an update on the situation..it is V-day and I came home after a regular day and found a poem written for me and a rose! it wasn't signed but I know it's him..(couldn't be anyone else..) ...the poem basically asks me to give things a try...what to do? At this point, I cannot see us getting into something right away, I think it would take time..but I don't know how to talk about this stuff with a friend..keep in mind I am very very bad at communication with the opposite sex when it comes to relationships...the # 1 complaint from ex's of all kinds is that I never let them know how I've felt...

 

help?!

[Mary3]

You say he is attractive but it sounds like you are not attracted to him in a romantic way ? ( correct me please hehe ) I find that unless you feel that he is just a buddy ...a friend....he wont probrobly be anything else to you. Don't beat yourself up about that one. Sometimes we just feel friendship...

Now, on the other hand if you feel you are intentionally blocking him from getting close to you , then maybe you need to put your guard down and live life !

What do you want to do ?

This guy clearly has feelings for you. You dont want to hurt him. Keep your distance until you figure out what you want...

[sarah12]

So, I ended up calling him..and it turns out we are on the same page about things..talking about things worked out really well, the key thing being that we don't know what will happen but it's best to take things EXTREMELY slow..I think for me, one good sign is that I'm not freaked out right now..and I just hope that things will still be okay when I see him in person..??

 

Anyone been in this situation before? dating a friend? how do you deal with the transition?? isn't it a bit odd?!

[Mary3]

Well if you have a friend and it becomes romantic then I have just one question : Are you prepared that it could end someday ?

 

As a friend , which is a very cool thing, you can share a closeness and we all know you can never have too many friends !

 

But by stepping into the romance phase of this newly evolved situation, you have different needs and outcomes.

 

Do you fathom the thought of losing this person as a friend ?

 

I only say this because if it ends you also lose your friend. By staying nuetral you lose nothing !

 

So weigh the cost of doing this. If it feels like this is THE ONE and you truly feel a deep romantic closeness then give it a try.

 

If you wonder or ponder about ANY of this I would either slow down the brakes or choose not to go there at all ( at least for now ) There is NO hurry. Afterall he is there for you . Do what your gut instinct tells you....follow your intuition

 

Good Luck

[clynn]

Go for it!

 

Sounds like a lucky situation!

 

Slowwllllly.

 

Keep us posted.

[clynn]

...and yes, of course it could end. But if we focus on the end of things we'll miss out on the moment. And that is what it is all about!

[sarah12]

We definitely talked about not ruining the friendship..and that's why we are goin to go very slow..because we both know that if at any point we think it might, we should just stop..

 

One thing I am wondering....would it be wrong if we didn't tell/ask Ryan directly about this? I mean personally, I don't think that we should give him the satisfaction of knowing that we had to ask him how he feels, and I know that Adam doesn't think too highly of Ryan for a few things that have happened with all of us and so he doesn't feel like he needs to ask Ryan for his opinion, but they ARE still friends, and will be friends in the time to come...I'm a bit torn between what I know is best for me (not needing to tell Ryan directly), and what is best for the friendship between the boys...? Should I trust Adam to take care of that?

[clynn]

Yah, leave it up to the boys to sort out.

 

After all you and Ryan talked about you and he when it was relevant.

 

Now it is about the boys if it needs to be talked about.

 

And. . . . REALLY - why should Ryan be getting his knickers in a knot anyhow?!??!?!

[SuperFantastico]

Ok this is why you arnt atracted to him

 

-too easy

-too nice

- you can get everything you need from him without commiting and then sleep with some jerk on the side thrusting him into the just friends role.

 

easy and nice = boring or lack of drama. lets face it, no one like a yes man.

someone who will do whatever you say and never dissagree with you. People like challange and stimulation. Just look at those italian couples. They are always busting each others chops.

 

Which is where the jerks and bad boys come in. You cant change them though you try, they dont really care too much what you think. They are basically incontrol. and that confidence and power is attractive too. The whole aphamale thing...er not the one on this forum the textbook alphamale.

 

 

And they have the danger thing going on. You try to please them, try to look good for them so they dont leave you or yell at you or whatever. Nice guys always tell you you look good, because you do. They dont want to fight, theywant to make you happy so you dont leave them. Thats too easy.

 

And jerks give you somethign to complain to your girlfriends about. The whole gossip and drama and communal lamenting thing.

[sarah12]

I agree to a certain extent about him being too nice, but I think the problem is that he has known that he's liked me for a really long time (since he met me he says, but didn't ask me out because of Ryan), and I have only felt the same way about him recently. And so for him, this is everything that he's wanted for so long, yet for me, I need time to get to that point. What should I do though? I've already told him that I want to slow down, but he gets really touchy-feely all the time and always wants to kiss me. When I leave, he doesn't want me to go, and just wants to kiss me all the time, and I really get annoyed with that - is that a bad sign?!

 

I just wish he would not put so much expectations and pressure on me to be as crazy about him as he is about me. I do like him and hanging out with him but he gets a bit much when he says things like "I really like you, but do you like me? I'm afraid that I like you more than you like me..." etc etc...there's so much pressure!!

 

My friends say that I should hang in there because I always run away from committment and problems and he is a good guy who will treat me right and if anything, I need to learn something about that.

 

I'm just so confused now..

[Mary3]

Well its quite obvious that he is smitten with you but when he wants to get closer and stay with you ...you said its kind of annoying....

 

Who exactly wants this to progress further ? Is it him ?

 

It does not sound like you *like* him in the clearly romantic *way* he likes you.

 

This is pretty easy to figure out...you are friends and he has fallen somewhat in love ( maybe ) with you ...now he is pushing for something further ( which is entirely normal ) but whats not cool is that you feel like its **pressure**..

 

From reading your posts I really suggest you take this to a lukewarm temperature...sounds like if things dont warm up for you in regards to him then he is going to get hurt.....

 

Make sure if you do decide to do this that it is YOUR decision 100% and its what you want. Is it possible when he gets romantic it irritates you because you dont see him as a true romantic prospect ?

[AndrewJ]

Hello sarah12,

 

Clearly atm u are not into this Adam fella.

 

If the annoying feelings continue thye will only get worse, I dont understand how one could want to gte used to being annoyed.

 

Must b hard for you cause it sounds like u r doubting yourself here cause you have never been in this position.

 

I would telll him how you feel and see hwta his reaction is like. If he can understand then maybee he is worth sticking around for.

 

But I do beleive u are building a wall of denial.

[j.carsey]

Originally posted by sarah12

- Sometimes I think that the reason I won't give into his moves is because I am subconsciously scared of committment and don't know what it's like be with a guy who could actually treat me really well for once

- The main problem is that I can't figure out why I don't like him when he has so many good qualities - he's friendly, outgoing, knows how to be a man, is polite, intellectually stimulating and isn't afraid to show feelings/emotions - these are the things I look for in a guy, so why don't I like him?

Help please!

 

Whoa whoa stop right there! You might be thinking too hard. Seriously, analyzing yourself is generally not a good idea. It doesn't sound like you want to date him right now. But how well do you know him? Why not spend some more one on one time with him and see how it goes? Sometimes people grow more fond of each other. Other times there is no spark. If there's no spark, then you're obviously not going to do anything with him.

 

So give it a chance, at least you'll have a few harmless fun nights hanging out with a guy who isn't a creep and if you don't feel any attraction, then nothing else has to happen. I've spent casual time with lots of girls I have just met and the relationship can really go any direction -- nowhere, long term friendship, short fling, whatever.

[clynn]

Wow, I once went out with a guy that behaved very similar towards me as this guy. I was friends with him for a short while first. And I went out with him because it made a lot of "Sense" and he pursued me adn my friends were like, hey, he is a great guy, you should...blah blah.

 

And then I ended up staying with him for 5 years !! it turned into so far my most serious relationship.

 

However, upon breaking up (and that was a long time ago)...I vowed to never go out wtih someone again who I wasn't nuts about cuz I felt it caused fundamental problems in our relationshp. But now many years later I have yet to find myself in any real long term relationship that compares as far as security and commtiment and I wonder, I wonder...

 

Hmmmm>.............?

 

I guess only time will tell for you...

[sarah12]

clynn -- 5 years?!?

 

Wow...I think I would have to agree about the being nuts about the guy..I have been in a relationship (ironically with Ryan) where it was absolutely mind blowing..but then the case of the ex happened..

 

I think what you need is a good balance..I'd like to be with someone I was crazy about (maybe not to the magnitude as it was with Ryan, but still something more so than with Adam), and still have some security, although as we all know, you are never 100% secure.

 

I think I have almost come to the conclusion that I can't go on this way with Adam. I need to talk to him first though..I'm thinking that maybe we just have different ideas of what we want in a relationship...he wants a lot of the cheesy romantic stuff, and I'd prefer to have a more solid friendship as the basis of the relationship.

 

Is it possible that different people just have different needs and wants in a relaxtionship and if these things are different right from the beginning, it'll never work?

[clynn]

sure.

And Timing I think is important too.

 

He may want the same things but his timing for wanting those things and yours may be out of sync...

[SuperFantastico]

Why dont you just tell him to slow down a bit. Explain how this is all confusing and you like him, but you need some time to get use to the idea or something like that.

Its amazing what talking can do. And he will repect the fact you are so straight forward about it, plus the release of pressure you will instantly get will help you alot.

Perhaps even bring the both of you closer together.

[sarah12]

OK, so I most definitely do not think it is going to work out with Adam. We were out with friends last night and he was bugging me about leaving the party and going somewhere on our own. I really did not want to because I like hanging out with my friends and I wish he would just cool it when we were around our friends. So he went off to talk to some other people and I ended up talking to Ryan for a while, and talking to Ryan made me really realize that I don't have nearly the same connection with Adam as I have had with Ryan. While Ryan and I are just friends, it's still a connection that we've never lost and I am just not on the same wavelength with Adam.

 

So then we went to Ryan's place and hung out there for a while, and Adam started criticizing and insulting Ryan about everything. He tried to make a joke out of everything with Ryan but it was clear to everyone else that he wasn't just joking. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with me, even though Adam has told me before that there is no bad blood between them about me. The thing is, since before Adam liked me, he had always seen Ryan and I get along so well, and so I guess it makes him upset to still see me talking to him..which I definitely think is another sign that I absolutely cannot be with Adam...I don't want to get in between their friendship, and I don't want someone who will get upset at me talking to other guy friends.

[AndrewJ]

Was jealous guy playing on the cd player?

[sarah12]

OK So I finally talked to Adam (he was away for a few days) and we talked about how things weren't going to work out. He said he had a feeling about it, that I didn't feel the same as he did, although we also both agreed that him telling me that he liked me more than I liked him is probably true, and probably due to the fact that he liked me for so long and I was only recently getting used to the idea.

 

Anyways, he is really sad and hurt now, I feel terribly guilty about it, but I couldn't go on feeling the way that I did...I hope he understands and gets over me so we can be friends...although I'm not entirely sure that will happen...anyone have any experience with this?

 

Also, I've been seeing Ryan lately with our mutual friends (both on fri and sat nites, and a few times last week) and I can't help but wonder what Ryan might be thinking about me and Adam..do guys get jealous if their friends are interested/dating a girl they once dated (it wasn't just a fling)?