clynn Posted February 28, 2005 Share Posted February 28, 2005 Is that why you dated Adam? Is that the reaction you are hoping for? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarah12 Posted March 1, 2005 Author Share Posted March 1, 2005 I expected that question to come up. But the answer is no, I am definitely not the type of girl to use someone like that. I have no regrets about giving it a try with Adam. When I talked to him that first night on vday, I actually thought it could be something good, because I felt calm talking to him about things. From then on, I had no expectations and just wanted to take things day by day, which I am glad I did, because things didn't work out and there is no loss...from my end anyways.. As for Ryan, he is a separate issue..in fact, I didn't even talk to him about Adam and I and Adam and I were kind of dating in secret so that there would be no comments/pressure from friends. So Ryan just knows that Adam likes me (because Adam told him) but he doesn't know that I actually said yes to dating him. Anyways Ryan is a separate issue like I mentioned..maybe I'll start another thread about it some time. Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewJ Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Sorry to say this, But u sound unstable. Your actions are not what a sensible person would do. Life is but a game isnt it? Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 that's ok. post to us about ryan when you're ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarah12 Posted March 1, 2005 Author Share Posted March 1, 2005 Originally posted by AndrewJ Sorry to say this, But u sound unstable. Your actions are not what a sensible person would do. Life is but a game isnt it? I know..I re-read what I wrote and I am not usually so incoherent but it's been a long day for me and an even more confusing month. You'd think that I have enough issues to deal with these two men, but believe it or not, two more from my past (both became my friends afterwards) have recently poured their hearts out to me with regrets about not treating me right at the time and now want to try again. I am not interested in pursuing either, and I do not know why they are both doing a 180 degree turn at the same time.. I guess when it rains, it pours. So as you can see, I am very emotionally drained...forgive me for not being 'sensible' but isn't that the reason we are all here? Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Of course it is!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is crazeeeeee ----- all those men coming round? Funny, funny, funny! Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewJ Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 When it rains it pours. All those mens tears of endearment. lucky for you Sarah12 Link to post Share on other sites
R O B J. Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 the truth is that this adam guy is probably better LTR material than just about anybody else you're gonna meet. The issue is attraction. It amazes me, given how much time women's lives are spent focused on relationships, that most ladies have no clue as to what they are attracted to and why. Realize that you're a slave to your desires just as much as men are. the only difference is that a woman's criteria for attraction are more comlex then mens and also vary in response to your hormonal cycles. The only woman who would be attracted to Adam behaving that way is one who is willing to overlook it becasue in all other regards (looks, status, and/or income) he would rank higher than her. You clearly are at par with him in these categories. It doesn't matter how great a guy any man as a person, you wont like him unless you feel getting his love is a challenge and he assumes control in the relationship. THE MOST HELPFUL AND KIND THING YOU CAN DO for him and yourself, is bluntly tell him the way he acts all needy is a BIG TURN OFF and that you don't crave attentive romance, you crrave assertiveness. He will no doublt fail with you (he already has) but telling him straigh can help him to gradually ioen his eyes to the behaviors and attitudes he needs to changein himself. Most women are INCAPABLE of admiting these truths to themselves, and thus will NEVER tell a man what he needs to hear. Be different and help a new generation of young men not grow up to be wimps that annoy the **** out of women until the become bitter woman haters or gay. Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 ROBJ - wow that is an interesting comment. I often feel if dumped by a guy that I would like to be told as bluntly as possible about what is at the core of why it didn't work out. Cuz sometimes it just won't work out cuz the interest level isn't there right from the get-go. Plain and simple. But then sometimes things just can swing in a certain direction during the early course of a relationship that is controllable and effects the course of action of the relationship, things that you discussed. I've prided myself in being kind but blunt with men. However, I think what you also say about - Women not being in tune with (you said not being able to admit, but actually I think it is more about not actually understanding)..... the true reasons why the attraction isn't there. Hmm, this is quite informative and I agree worthwile information for women to impart on men. Some men may not appreciate the bluntness. But I know, as a woman, although it REALLY stings to be told something Bluntly.. . . . it is also the most worthwhile thing a man has ever done for me. I think sometimes both men and women think, well, why bother, it just wasn't right between he and I. Why make him feel ****ty? I dunno, bluntness is good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarah12 Posted March 6, 2005 Author Share Posted March 6, 2005 ROBJ you have brought up some excellent points. the truth is that this adam guy is probably better LTR material than just about anybody else you're gonna meet. The issue is attraction. I agree..he is a great guy..and the issue is definitely attraction. But attraction is pretty much as huge as anything else he's got on paper. But you can't help the way that you feel. I know I am picky but I'm not willing to just settle.. the only difference is that a woman's criteria for attraction are more comlex then mens and also vary in response to your hormonal cycles. The only woman who would be attracted to Adam behaving that way is one who is willing to overlook it becasue in all other regards (looks, status, and/or income) he would rank higher than her. You clearly are at par with him in these categories. I agree that us women are messed up and definitely vary in response to hormonal cycles!! As for looks, status, and/or income..I hate thinking that people are materialistic in this sense, but I think it's almost as if we take these things for granted. What I mean is that where I attend school and live, most people are fairly stable in terms of a career and income/status that it almost isn't even something I really think about. Almost everyone I meet, I am 'at par' with, -- I am currently completing my master's degree and have a job waiting for me that will provide me with a decent income. I have been told quite often that I am gorgeous and have the 'total package' put together..and this intimidates guys. In terms of where Adam 'ranks', I'd say he's about at par, but he just didn't handle things right from the beginning and these things are very important to me -- yes, I suppose I am picky but first impressions say a lot to me. It doesn't matter how great a guy any man as a person, you wont like him unless you feel getting his love is a challenge and he assumes control in the relationship. I'm not sure that I look at it as a 'challenge' because I dont' play games but yes, I would like to for once meet a guy I can lose myself in, as scary as that is to admit. THE MOST HELPFUL AND KIND THING YOU CAN DO for him and yourself, is bluntly tell him the way he acts all needy is a BIG TURN OFF and that you don't crave attentive romance, you crrave assertiveness. He will no doublt fail with you (he already has) but telling him straigh can help him to gradually ioen his eyes to the behaviors and attitudes he needs to changein himself. I just told him this week. I've seen him since with our mutual friends and he seems to be okay although he told me he is not. But he'll get there, and hopefully will learn from this, as I have. When we did talk about it, he did realize he was being very needy and he now hates himself for it. Most women are INCAPABLE of admiting these truths to themselves, and thus will NEVER tell a man what he needs to hear. Be different and help a new generation of young men not grow up to be wimps that annoy the **** out of women until the become bitter woman haters or gay. I am all about telling a guy straight up. I've spent too much time feeling bad for guys who I am not interested in and almost leading them on by being there for them while they are trying to get over me. I still feel bad, but some guys need to learn to take things a lot slower...I almost feel like I am playing the stereo typical male role in relationships b/c I usually come out the stronger one. Why is this?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarah12 Posted March 6, 2005 Author Share Posted March 6, 2005 Originally posted by clynn However, I think what you also say about - Women not being in tune with (you said not being able to admit, but actually I think it is more about not actually understanding)..... the true reasons why the attraction isn't there. Agreed. Many times I look at some great guys and wonder why I am not attracted to them. The funny thing is that my group of girlfriends and I are always told that we are probably the best looking bunch around who have everything put together -- post-grad education, doctors, dentists, lawyer, teacher, etc. and brains beyond the textbook -- yet we are all single. We just can't find guys we are attracted to. Are we just really picky?? I think sometimes both men and women think, well, why bother, it just wasn't right between he and I. Why make him feel ****ty? Agreed. But if you don't tell them straight up, they never get the picture. Think about it this way -- either you tell them straight up and yes, they'll be upset, and probably mad at you too, or you don't tell them the honest truth and they'll pine over you for even longer and never get closure on the issue because they never found out the true reason you weren't interested in dating them. Either way you're screwed because they'll be upset, but at least with telling them straight up, it's the honest truth and there's nothing they can do or say against it. You can't help the way that you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 Quoting AndrewJ... Sorry to say this, But u sound unstable. Your actions are not what a sensible person would do. Life is but a game isnt it? Amen, brother. This is making me dizzy. Enough already. Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewJ Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Westernxer Alright already? What seems to send u spinning? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Originally posted by sarah12 Agreed. Many times I look at some great guys and wonder why I am not attracted to them. The funny thing is that my group of girlfriends and I are always told that we are probably the best looking bunch around who have everything put together -- post-grad education, doctors, dentists, lawyer, teacher, etc. and brains beyond the textbook -- yet we are all single. We just can't find guys we are attracted to. Are we just really picky?? Well, it definitely sounds like you're looking for something that doesn't exist. In your case, it's more subtle than the list of character traits. You sound to me like you're looking for a whole experience too... like Adam has to have done it right from the beginning and you just can't get past that. Don't get me wrong - I've been there too. And it has done me no good whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Alright already? What seems to send u spinning? AndrewJ, Was backing you up. Never mind... Link to post Share on other sites
SuperFantastico Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 GOD SARAH!!! Why do you have to talk about our relationship online!! gAAAHHH!! Truth is attraction isnt related to looks as much as it is to the character of the person themselves(well after initial contact) Whatever the reason, ryan is it? just dosnt float your boat. I would stop agonising over it and move on. Just politely indicate that you arnt interested and be done with it. Hell lots of peole think shania twain is super hot, dosnt do a thing for me. I've met women that i though were the hotest thing around......till they opened thier mouths or just wernt my cup of tea. Attraction is 90% brains(an man is that grey matter sexy...all slimy and hot). You arnt gonna trick your mind into liking this guy. He will either change your mind(unlikely) or he wont. And settling for less wont make you happy. Move on.....unless things have changed, i havnt read any of the posts past the 1st page Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarah12 Posted March 9, 2005 Author Share Posted March 9, 2005 I agree that brains are 90% everything. I have had my share of dating experiences and definitely found this to be true. ReluctantRomeo -- maybe I am being a bit picky but I just can't settle for less. I've done that in the past, and it hasn't worked out for me. Why should I settle for less when I've had better and know that I can do better? I know that everyon emakes mistakes but it gets to a point where you just can't accept it. In this case, Adam was way too over bearing from the beginning and that has ruined any kind of attraction I had towards him. At the same time, another guy has been pursuing me..and just as he was starting to have very strong feelings for me, I was unfortunately losing the attraction I felt towards him. The day I told him I didn't want to continue things, he told me that he had never felt this way about a girl before. It's unfortunate that timing is half of everything... Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 Originally posted by sarah12 ReluctantRomeo -- maybe I am being a bit picky but I just can't settle for less... In this case, Adam was way too over bearing from the beginning and that has ruined any kind of attraction I had towards him. At the same time, another guy has been pursuing me..and just as he was starting to have very strong feelings for me, I was unfortunately losing the attraction I felt towards him. The day I told him I didn't want to continue things, he told me that he had never felt this way about a girl before. It's unfortunate that timing is half of everything... Well Sarah, full marks for being honest. A lot of us have had these feelings but wouldn't have owned up to them. My point though is that somehow this seems shallow. Maybe I'm just reading my own bad choices into this, but timing should be almost immaterial to a good relationship. People are fundamentally suited to each other or not. Nothing to do with whether the moon shines brightly on your first date. Or whether they blurt out the wrong things. Link to post Share on other sites
Jardin Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 Sarah, First, of course you shouldn't have to settle! Life is too short to spend it with someone you've settled for! That just makes for two miserable, unhappy people and no one deserves to be caught in that trap for a lifetime. That said, it sounds like you crave the initial rush of first falling in love and don't like it when a relationship progresses beyond that point. I think you need to ask yourself (and be brutally honest here)-- when a guy really starts to care for you and begins to open up to you, do you start falling "out of love"? Do you feel uncomfortable with his foibles/weaknesses/human-ness? If you do, why do you think that is so? The truth is no one is "perfect"-- and SF and RR are absolutely right that attraction is 90% brain matter (BTW-- great to hear that insight from guys!!!). So what is it you are telling yourself that makes these men unattractive to you? Is the "grass greener" somewhere else? Why? Do you really want a relationship at this point in your life? Just some food dor thought! Jardin Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarah12 Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 Maybe I'm just reading my own bad choices into this, but timing should be almost immaterial to a good relationship. People are fundamentally suited to each other or not. Perhaps I'm just a realist and I feel that in order to completely fall for someone, you need to have an open heart. For example if you met someone who was amazing yet you have those conflicting feelings between the mind and the heart, then it's most likely because you are not yet ready for this new person because it isn't the right time in your life, haven't gotten over an ex, etc. That said, it sounds like you crave the initial rush of first falling in love and don't like it when a relationship progresses beyond that point. You're half right. I definitely like that initial rush of first falling in love - doesn't happen often at all for me - but I realize that isn't what everything a good relationship is about. There is more to it and there are definitely the hard times. As for not liking it when a relationship progresses beyond that point, that isn't entirely true. I do want to progress further, but with the right person. I have met that person before and would have done anything to be with him forever, but again, timing made it difficult for us to be together at the time. And now that I have met that person, I guess you could say the bar has been raised much higher. I think you need to ask yourself (and be brutally honest here)-- when a guy really starts to care for you and begins to open up to you, do you start falling "out of love"? Ok let's take out the 'love' part because I definitely have not had enough long term dating experience to get that far. However I do feel very scared when a guy falls for me very hard and really opens up, if I am not on the same level. Let's just say I've had my share of obsessive/stalker type situations over the years, and I have dated guys who treated me with less than I deserve. So because of these experienecs with both extremes and no middle ground, I really don't know how to handle a balanced relationship. Do you feel uncomfortable with his foibles/weaknesses/human-ness? If you do, why do you think that is so? I think I am probably looking for a flawless guy. I find one thing wrong in a guy within a week or so of dating him and I can't take it. I feel like things need to be perfect in the beginning or else you won't be able to handle the long road ahead. The truth is no one is "perfect"-- and SF and RR are absolutely right that attraction is 90% brain matter (BTW-- great to hear that insight from guys!!!). No one is perfect, I know, I need to keep telling myself that, and the 90% attraction to brain matter has everything to do with what's 'perfect'. Sure a guy can be falling hard for me cause I may feel the same way about him, but it's one thing to think it in the beginning and another to pour out your undying love for the other person and scare them away. Timing and balance is the key here.. So what is it you are telling yourself that makes these men unattractive to you? Is the "grass greener" somewhere else? I'm not telling myself anything to make them unattractive to me, it just happens. It usually just takes one or two flaws in the beginning like if the guy had bad table manners at dinner, or if he talks too much about himself, or if he doesn't seem to be a listener, or if he mentions repeatedly how hot and beautiful I am, etc. Do you really want a relationship at this point in your life? I welcome it.. But I am never actively seeking it..I'm content with myself and when the time comes, it'll come. Link to post Share on other sites
Jardin Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Sarah-- Do you really want input or do you just need to be heard? J Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarah12 Posted March 12, 2005 Author Share Posted March 12, 2005 Originally posted by Jardin Sarah-- Do you really want input or do you just need to be heard? J Like you said, it's just some food for thought. I liked the points you brought up and so I answered your questions. Clearly andrewJ has some issues with this thread, I'm not even sure why he bothered to reply. thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewJ Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 food for thought indeed Link to post Share on other sites
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