She wants an open relationship

[sterlingarcher]

We are 2 years in, and currently LDR with one month to go before seing each other again.

 

So after 5 days of "I need alone time" from her and little contact, she gets back to me and we start talking.

 

She has been contacted by 2 exes, out of which one of them gave her a sex offer and she was tempted to say yes but didn't. She now presents the idea that maybe we allow each other "a treat", like a one day free pass to have sex with someone else no strings attached just to remove frustrations of being horny and missing physical contact. Basically she is asking for permission and is willing to give me permission too.

 

She cheated on me a year ago and we have worked alot on communication since then. Obviously it helped because now she is honest and tells me what she wants.

 

I'm torn between breaking up because I feel like her head is in the wrong place for thinking these thoughts, yet I have to admit Im sexually frustrated myself. On the other hand I could say a blank NO to her suggestion and just trust she will respect it.

 

Suggestions?

[sterlingarcher]

Just read my own post and it sure looks like someone who wants to dump their GF without feeling bad for it, lol.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I'll be blunt, she cheated once and is contemplating cheating again (if she hasn't already), albeit with your "permission" this time. I get sexual frustration, I really do, but you two are in the home stretch of your relationship being long distance and now is when she chooses to address the issue? Does any of this smell right to you?

 

Honestly, when someone starts talking about open relationships, "hall passes", etc it means they already cheated and want to make things okay by declaring the relationship open or wish to remove themselves from the restrictions of a monogamous relationship while still reaping the benefits.

 

This woman is clearly a person given too easily to temptation. She's done so once and basically told you she plans on doing it again. She's so "sexually frustrated" she wants to turn what the two of you have on its head and completely redefine the terms of your relationship? Really? She's not about to buy a few toys to satisfy her own needs for the little time you two have left apart?

 

What she's really saying is she wants to screw other guys at random, maybe that ex, maybe someone new, and not just while you two are LD. This is a dynamic she wants to introduce to your relationship and make permanent. If you don't wish to make things open you should end it because, I can almost guarantee you simply telling her 'no' is not going to be a big enough deterrent. She'll always want more and probably cheat again. And again, and again, and again. Don't let her make you a doormat. I must say, with a reputation like yours Mr. Archer, I expected more from you!

 

 

Jesus Christ, sleeping stepping outside your relationship is "a treat" now .

Edited June 3, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[PegNosePete]

Oh man. Come on dude. Open your eyes.

 

This relationship is dead and buried. She has checked out of it a LONG time ago. Goodness knows why she is still hanging around with you - how much do you make?

 

You are LDR and she needs alone time?? W-T-F ???

 

She wants to bang other people. She wants to bang her ex. She doesn't want to be committed to you.

 

Dude open your eyes, smell the coffee, ditch this disrespectful woman and find someone who will treat you properly.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Oh man. Come on dude. Open your eyes.

 

This relationship is dead and buried. She has checked out of it a LONG time ago. Goodness knows why she is still hanging around with you - how much do you make?

 

You are LDR and she needs alone time?? W-T-F ???

 

She wants to bang other people. She wants to bang her ex. She doesn't want to be committed to you.

 

Dude open your eyes, smell the coffee, ditch this disrespectful woman and find someone who will treat you properly.

 

Yep, I think Lernaean_Hydra and PegNosePete hit the nail on the head on this one.

 

I'm in a LDR so I completely understand the frustrations that go with it particularly the sexual ones but this girl...MAN...the writing is on the wall with this one I'm afraid.

 

Do you really want to spend the rest of your LDR wondering if she's cheated again and always feeling like you're behind the blackball? That is no way to have a relationship ESPECIALLY a LDR.

 

Time to give her the pink slip. ADIOS!

[sterlingarcher]

What she's really saying is she wants to screw other guys at random, maybe that ex, maybe someone new, and not just while you two are LD. This is a dynamic she wants to introduce to your relationship and make permanent. If you don't wish to make things open you should end it because, I can almost guarantee you simply telling her 'no' is not going to be a big enough deterrent. She'll always want more and probably cheat again. And again, and again, and again. Don't let her make you a doormat. I must say, with a reputation like yours Mr. Archer, I expected more from you!

 

Phrasing! Lol. Thank you and I agree with your post. I just thought we were in a better place than this. Everything she said came as a surprise to me because she has really changed her ways since the cheating 1 year ago. It feels weird thinking about dumping her because she hasn't appeared to have done anything wrong except being honest now. Nevertheless she is (knowingly or not) making an effort to getting dumped right now. I feel pretty sure she will come back to me regretting everything and wanting me back, because honestly I dont think she will find someone better than me unless she changes something about herself.

 

Maybe I should have spent those $800 on something else than her plane ticket. Like alcohol.

[sterlingarcher]

You are LDR and she needs alone time?? W-T-F ???

Yeah it sounds weird right? Well, I've heard of those LDRs where basically the couple is keeping each other on a leash, like you have to be online and available from 6am to 11pm everyday. We are not like that though and her request for alone time came as a surprise to me, hearing how she miss me so much just prior to it.

 

I don't have too much to say to your post except I think you are taking it abit far in saying that she has completely checked out of the relationship. Many couples stay happy in an open-ish relationship. Its fully possible have sex with person B and still love person A. Some people try replace the absence of person A by having sex with person B, which I think might partly be the case here. Some will accept this things, others not.

 

I try to be understanding but I'm done getting hurt, and my gut feeling is telling me to get out before the **** starts burning.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Yeah it sounds weird right? Well, I've heard of those LDRs where basically the couple is keeping each other on a leash, like you have to be online and available from 6am to 11pm everyday. We are not like that though and her request for alone time came as a surprise to me, hearing how she miss me so much just prior to it.

 

I don't have too much to say to your post except I think you are taking it abit far in saying that she has completely checked out of the relationship. Many couples stay happy in an open-ish relationship. Its fully possible have sex with person B and still love person A. Some people try replace the absence of person A by having sex with person B, which I think might partly be the case here. Some will accept this things, others not.

 

I try to be understanding but I'm done getting hurt, and my gut feeling is telling me to get out before the **** starts burning.

 

I think the obvious question here is do YOU want an open relationship?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Maybe I should have spent those $800 on something else than her plane ticket. Like alcohol.

 

It's never too late to resell that ticket and buy yourself several bottles of very nice aged whiskey.

 

Anyway, she may or may not be able to do better than you but you certainly can do better for yourself. I understand that she's changed after cheating and she might have transformed herself into (appearing like) the best girlfriend ever!1!1! (most cheaters do) for a time; but this behavior is certainly indicative of a woman who is just itching to be single, or at least act like she is.

 

I think PegNosePete said something really worth taking into very strong consideration.

You are LDR and she needs alone time?? W-T-F ???

 

Nail, head, hammer. Ask yourself if what she said even makes any sense now? I say give her what she wants, "space"....and lots of it. Permanently.

[sterlingarcher]

I think the obvious question here is do YOU want an open relationship?

No I don't.

 

I want her to project her sexual frustrations on me and with me when she is here, because that's what I do with her. Maybe she's not that strong. This whole thing is making me lose trust in her again.

[lolablue17]

Say NO, and break up with her.

You, or her has no clue about the concept of open relationship.

 

An open relationship is based on mutual trust, support, and loving you partner very much. It should be also based on a strong healthy connection. Each should be so confident that his\her partner loves him very much.

 

What she offered is doomed. LDR is nor a real strong base to build on something.

 

My advise - Say goodbye, both of you go on with your life, and in the future when you have the chance to be in a regular R (not LDR), then try to reconnect, if it's both parties will.

[sterlingarcher]

Say NO, and break up with her.

You, or her has no clue about the concept of open relationship.

I do have a clue about what you are talking about, I just didn't know what else to call this request of hers.

 

Anyway I will say NO, that is obvious. And when I think about it Im having a hard time trusting that she will stay loyal to that.

[lolablue17]

I heard about many cases that one asked for an open R and The other refused.

 

It never lasts.

[sterlingarcher]

I heard about many cases that one asked for an open R and The other refused.

 

It never lasts.

 

Maybe because everyone listened to you, hehe.

[No Limit]

She's cheated already and the only difference now is that she's kind enough to ask you for permission.

 

Break up.

[Michelle ma Belle]

No I don't.

 

I want her to project her sexual frustrations on me and with me when she is here, because that's what I do with her. Maybe she's not that strong. This whole thing is making me lose trust in her again.

 

Sweetie, you are making a bucket full of excuses for this girl and you need to stop. I'm not sure she's that deserving of it to be quite blunt.

 

Regardless, you know what you should do.

 

Good luck.

[No Limit]

I could say a blank NO to her suggestion and just trust she will respect it.

 

That's so naive it's almost funny.

[central]

While LDRs can work, they are especially difficult and I think far more fail than succeed. I've been in a few myself, so I know.

 

I don't think a LDR should be exclusive in most cases. Sure, that may mean either of both of you find someone else locally, but perhaps in the scheme of things that's for the best. If you really are such a great match for each other, you will eventually find a way to be together and make it work - and you'll have the perspective of dating others so you'll be very sure of your choice.

 

Trying to force the relationship and enforce difficult rules at a distance is almost always going to result in failure - you are setting yourselves up for it, in a way.

[PegNosePete]

I don't have too much to say to your post except I think you are taking it abit far in saying that she has completely checked out of the relationship. Many couples stay happy in an open-ish relationship. Its fully possible have sex with person B and still love person A. Some people try replace the absence of person A by having sex with person B, which I think might partly be the case here. Some will accept this things, others not.

Oh absolutely, many many people have happy, long-lasting open relationships and many many people have happy, long-lasting long-distance relationships.

 

How many of those do you think started like this, with one party asking for "alone time", blatantly chatting up their ex, cheating on you? How many of these relationships do you think happened after one party wanted to have an open relationship but the other didn't?

 

I'll tell you: NONE OF THEM.

 

Sorry dude you're so far in denial you're way past Aswan and about to be interrogated by the Sudanese river police. If you say no to her request then I guarantee you 100% that this girl is going to either split up with you, or lie and cheat on you.

[lolablue17]

Oh absolutely, many many people have happy, long-lasting open relationships and many many people have happy, long-lasting long-distance relationships.

 

How many of those do you think started like this, with one party asking for "alone time", blatantly chatting up their ex, cheating on you? How many of these relationships do you think happened after one party wanted to have an open relationship but the other didn't?

 

I'll tell you: NONE OF THEM.

 

Sorry dude you're so far in denial you're way past Aswan and about to be interrogated by the Sudanese river police. If you say no to her request then I guarantee you 100% that this girl is going to either split up with you, or lie and cheat on you.

 

Couldn't agree more!!

[sterlingarcher]

For reasons I won't go into I'm 99% sure she won't dump me no matter what I say to her request. She will more likely drag me along in lies and deception rather than dump me. If anyone is going to do the dumping, it will be me.

 

I will give this some thought and make a decision very soon.

[Michelle ma Belle]

For reasons I won't go into I'm 99% sure she won't dump me no matter what I say to her request. She will more likely drag me along in lies and deception rather than dump me. If anyone is going to do the dumping, it will be me.

 

I will give this some thought and make a decision very soon.

 

Well that sounds like a happily-ever-after fairy tale romance if I've ever heard one!!

 

Sorry hun but if you have to think long and hard on this one then maybe you two deserve each other.

[Womaneyezer]

We are 2 years in, and currently LDR with one month to go before seing each other again.

 

So after 5 days of "I need alone time" from her and little contact, she gets back to me and we start talking.

 

She has been contacted by 2 exes, out of which one of them gave her a sex offer and she was tempted to say yes but didn't. She now presents the idea that maybe we allow each other "a treat", like a one day free pass to have sex with someone else no strings attached just to remove frustrations of being horny and missing physical contact. Basically she is asking for permission and is willing to give me permission too.

 

She cheated on me a year ago and we have worked alot on communication since then. Obviously it helped because now she is honest and tells me what she wants.

 

I'm torn between breaking up because I feel like her head is in the wrong place for thinking these thoughts, yet I have to admit Im sexually frustrated myself. On the other hand I could say a blank NO to her suggestion and just trust she will respect it.

 

Suggestions?

 

 

My friend, you are so lost and the desperation to salvage what is clearly a dead relationship is not even funny. If you have any respect for yourself and know your self worth, dump her! She is going to continue cheating on you with that "free pass" mindset, smh. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE INFIDELITY!

[Chi townD]

In my opinion, opening a relationship or swinging is a last ditch effort into trying to save a dying relationship. Are their couples that survive open relationships. Probably, but those are few and far in between. I have NEVER heard of a couple that are in an open relationship and have been that way for 20 plus years. They either break up, divorce or close up the relationship.

 

Dude, she cheated on you. And that probably hurt like hell. Probably destroyed you. And she saw the pain and devastation that she caused and you suffered through. That should have been enough to swear off ever hurting you like that ever again (if she truly loved you). But, now she wants to cheat infront of you, with your permission. Thus, making you a cuckold.

 

And what if you say "No". What happens then? She'll probably say, "Okay, I won't." But, instead of doing it with your permission, she'll do it without. Therefore, cheating on you AGAIN! I mean, what are the chances of you finding out? You're in a LDR. You'd never know! And what you don't know won't hurt you! That would be her new ethos.

 

Dude, the trust is gone.

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship is dead in the water. She wants to have sex with men who aren't you. It's over, but neither of you has had the b*lls to actually end it yet.