She wants an open relationship

[ThatMan]

"Hehe" means "lol" in my language. I'm neither of what you are suggesting.

 

I think that makes it worse. It's really too bad that you didn't make everything up. What you're going through is horrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

Maybe there's another translation error. But we're all under the impression that she proposed the idea. For better or worse, even if you're both working together, her mind still came up with the idea.

[Friskyone4u]

This is really simple. She already had sex with another guy and has asked you if she can do it again. The answer is either yes or no. If it is yes, and you think it is only going to happen once you are being silly.

The latest "in" thing that women are being bombarded with in a all the stuff they read is that there is nothing wrong with non monogamy if you don't cheat. So her conscience will be clear now because she was honest. Either accept it or move on because she will have many more opportunities than you. She can tell every guy she wants to have sex with that she has a boyfriend or husband and 99 % will not care. If you do the reverse that same percentage of women will want no part of you .

So you better decide of you can handle it

[sterlingarcher]

Wait...what?

So does she or doesn't she want to have sex with other men? I don't get what she's asked you for.

 

Let me explain what has happened.

 

We were in a good place 10 days ago. Suddenly she tells me she needs alone time because there is an issue she needs to deal with.

 

After almost a week she gets back to me. She tells me she met one of her exes in the street and just said hi. Another ex contacted her and wanted to have sex with her, apparently they dated 4 years ago. She was tempted to say yes but she declined his offer. Her having alone time was about getting rid of past exes ghosts. Thats what she told me.

 

The same day she wants to discuss something. Since both of us are sexually frustrated and she ended up cheating on me in the past, maybe we should discuss the possibility of free pass and wether thats something that could work for us.

I assumed she wanted a free pass, why else would she bring it up. When asked, she clearly stated she does not want one unless both of us are ok with it. After arguing about it she felt bad and realized how wrong it was to bring up such a topic for discussion. I appreciate her honesty and maybe she was just being open to finding a solution to the problem of sexual frustration that both of us are ok with. But I ended up feeling like maybe she wanted a free pass. If my suspicion is correct, then our heads are in different places because I do not want one. Hence I asked for us to take a break to let me think about our future.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sorry sweetie but this sounds like all sorts of crazy to me.

[PegNosePete]

Let me explain what has happened.

 

We were in a good place 10 days ago. Suddenly she tells me she needs alone time because there is an issue she needs to deal with.

 

After almost a week she gets back to me. She tells me she met one of her exes in the street and just said hi. Another ex contacted her and wanted to have sex with her, apparently they dated 4 years ago. She was tempted to say yes but she declined his offer. Her having alone time was about getting rid of past exes ghosts. Thats what she told me.

Dude if you believe any of this then I have a bridge to sell you.

Let me tell you an alternate version.

 

You thought you were in a good place 10 days ago, but she has been unhappy for quite a long time.

She met one of her exes in a bar and they had a nice kiss, he invited her back to his place but she said no because she felt guilty.

She went back to you and told you she "needs alone time" to deal with an issue (which is that she is confused whether she wants to go back to her ex or not).

Since you say it's OK to have alone time she goes back to her exes place and they have sex.

Then another ex contacts her (or maybe the same one) and they have sex too (or again).

 

Then she's feeling a bit bad (but not much) and wants to retrospectively seek your permission to have sex with other men. Permission is easier to attain than forgiveness, after all. So she brings up this free pass thing hoping that you'll say yes... and if you do, she can simply say oh yeah I had sex with this guy (and lie about the date so it looks like it was AFTER you agreed to it).

 

When you asked why she was asking, she immediately realized you didn't like the idea and started back-pedalling at breakneck speed. Oh but of course if you're both OK then it's still a possibility... still hoping to get your retro-active permission for what she's already done...

 

After arguing she realized that it was a bad idea to bring it up and you'd never go for it, so she just lied and lied about how it was a bad idea. Secretly thinking "oh crap, how can I get him to forgive me THIS time? Right I'll just never mention it EVER EVER".

 

maybe she was just being open to finding a solution to the problem of sexual frustration that both of us are ok with.

My friend she has already found a solution to HER sexual frustration. Her EX!

 

Seriously dude I would bet my bottom dollar that they have had sex, multiple times. I guarantee you 100% that you are being made a complete fool.

 

WAKE UP!!!!!

[BetrayedH]

Dude, you're doing a lot of mental gymnastics to somehow make it seem like she didn't ask about sleeping with other dudes. She did ask. And she asked because she had it in mind.

 

I wouldn't trust her either. She's already cheated on you before. Credit her for being honest if you want but in this case, the truth hurts and her honesty doesn't negate the fact that she offered this up because she's thinking about it. Quit trying to make it complicated.

 

I think a big part of the problem here is that it's gonna be really inconvenient for you to break this off since the family is coming. I have a bad feeling that you'll get back together because of this inconvenience. In the meantime, she's banging an ex while you wrestle with all of this because now she really does have a free pass.

 

Throw in the towel. Start over with another woman, preferably one that's actually mature enough for a monogamous relationship.

[Chi townD]

Pete brings up a really good point! She might be looking for permission after the fact. If you said you were okay with a hall pass, then she could ease her guilt because she already cashed in on it.

 

Big problem I see is that things were great and then she asked for a week to clear her head. Why? Things are great! Why wouldn't I want to be around the person that's making me feel great? Was it guilt? Was it time to figure out how to fix this problem?

 

You stated that I write in black and white. But, I'll tell you that this is a very grey area. Because, I don't think you're getting the entire truth.

[BetrayedH]

What kind of cheater asks her betrayed boyfriend how he would feel about her sleeping with other people? One that's not truly remorseful.

 

Go ahead and reconcile with her if you want but I'd bet my bottom dollar that you regret it. Let her back in now and you'll no longer be a victim but a volunteer.

 

Sorry, she's managed to paint you into a corner.

[Spectre]

Maybe some of you guys are right, that deep down she is trashy and cheating. Or maybe she actually changed and is just being honest with her thoughts.

 

No you had it right the first time: we are right, she is trashy..and you know what you do with trash? You throw it away.

[revelations]

sterlingarcher,

 

Bro, taking her back after she cheated on you once is a big mistake in my opinion. However the fact that she even brings up the subject of a free pass is just cruel on her part.

 

Okay let's go along with this free pass thing. Let's say you give each other a free pass for a whole month. Well after that month she ask how many women you have been with. You reply 4, which of course would be pretty good for most guys. Then you ask her and she replies 8. You of course say, you banged 8 guys? She then would reply, no 8 women, I banged 16 guys. The fact is that women can get laid much more easily and more often than men can. Any woman requesting a free pass or offering mutual free passes knows this. Usually she already has a guy or two lined up and has probably banged them already. She also knows that chances are you will not get laid that day or any other day without putting in some time on a woman.

 

Now if you want to call her bluff on this one here is a couple of ways to do it. Either way start out by telling her that their is no way that you would be able to get laid as easy as she can so you will need help. Tell her that the next time you two meet up that she needs to help you find another woman to use your free pass with. You can also add in that you would like it to be a threesome with her and this other woman. Another one is that you tell her that you will use your free pass on an escort so that way you know you will be getting laid by a high quality and professional woman. Trust me if the threesome does not set her off, the escort will.

 

However this is playing mind games with someone who thinks they are getting one over on you. Hell if you can't exchange or get your money back for the plane ticket, then let her come out here and bang her once or twice. Use a thick rubber, you don't know how many has been their recently. However dump this broad and find something worth wild. This is why I find it very hard to date anymore, women today are just very self-entitled. One woman I dated shortly stood me up for a date we had. She got drunk and banged some other guy. The to top it off could not understand why I did not want to be with her anymore and thought I was overreacting. So trust me your better off without this woman. Remember that if you can't find another girlfriend right away, escorts are always available and a lot cheaper than a girlfriend.

[ExpatInItaly]

Let me explain what has happened.

 

We were in a good place 10 days ago. Suddenly she tells me she needs alone time because there is an issue she needs to deal with.

 

After almost a week she gets back to me. She tells me she met one of her exes in the street and just said hi. Another ex contacted her and wanted to have sex with her, apparently they dated 4 years ago. She was tempted to say yes but she declined his offer. Her having alone time was about getting rid of past exes ghosts. Thats what she told me.

 

The same day she wants to discuss something. Since both of us are sexually frustrated and she ended up cheating on me in the past, maybe we should discuss the possibility of free pass and wether thats something that could work for us.

I assumed she wanted a free pass, why else would she bring it up. When asked, she clearly stated she does not want one unless both of us are ok with it. After arguing about it she felt bad and realized how wrong it was to bring up such a topic for discussion. I appreciate her honesty and maybe she was just being open to finding a solution to the problem of sexual frustration that both of us are ok with. But I ended up feeling like maybe she wanted a free pass. If my suspicion is correct, then our heads are in different places because I do not want one. Hence I asked for us to take a break to let me think about our future.

 

So, what exactly was this issue? She had to be out of contact because..? She's full of horse dung saying she needed to get rid the of the ghosts of her exes.

 

My honest guess is that she'd already done something wrong when she told you she needed alone time out of the blue. Either that or she was about to and wanted you to disappear for a little while so she could have her fun.

 

Now she's making this special request to alleviate her guilt and justify what she's already done. Two exes randomly reappeared in the same week, which just happened to coincide with her "having an issue" and going off the radar? And now she's suggesting a free pass? Come on now, OP. Connect the dots

[sterlingarcher]

I still haven't refunded the plane ticket, and after a couple of days of no contact we have had some long talks.

 

As much as this alone time thing caught me off guard, she has had a habit of withdrawing when dealing with a personal issue. It happened upon the death of a relative, rejection for a big job opportunity and a couple other occasions. What puzzled me this time is that she wouldnt tell me any details at all until getting back in touch again after a whopping 5 days.

 

So this "dealing with past exes ghosts" appeared to happen on top of another issue that got her depressed that week. She got some bad news about her graduation and was also on the red flow, so the hormones were all over the place. This she told me together with the exes stuff and sexual frustration, and of course this became the focus of discussion right before I broke up with her.

 

So its all about trust at this point. Do I believe her or not? Many of the theories of cheating that has been posted is of course possible. What she is telling me also makes alot of sense. I hate to break up without having proof or even a clear gut feeling.

 

So I have decided this.

 

1. She has been given a one-day free pass and seems fully committed to tell me if anything happens.

2. I also have a similar free pass.

3. Both of us concluded we don't really feel like using our free pass at all, but in her case it removes any thrill connected to possibly cheating in the future.

4. She will spend 3 months here this summer.

 

If I find out that she uses her free pass without telling me I will break up permanently. I will be "naive and stupid", yet watching her. I feel confident that if anything is going on I will find out. She is a sloppy mess when it comes to keeping stuff on her phone. I came for a susprise visit earlier this year and checked her phone secretly almost immediately (she had no chance to delete anything). Found nothing and never told her. I trusted her but needed verification. I still need verification, which is the only reason I didnt tell her I snooped.

 

If I break up permanently now, Im facing a depressing summer and possibly making a mistake based on false accusations. Least I can do for myself in case any of your cheating theories are correct is getting laid everyday for 3 months before moving on.

 

I risk getting hurt now, but thats life.

 

Oh and someone said something about women being able to get a new BF in a heartbeat. It might be true for many, but its not her truth. Her truth is based on her own experience, which is that most men lie, cheat and treat you bad and that she is very lucky to have me. Before me she had been lesbian for 2 years. Thats Sterling Archer for you.

[Xenon2]

i hated reading your last post. ugh. how give a woman you're with the option to **** another guy?!?!?! I'm not. jealous. at. all. but a woman you love sleeping with someone else?

 

I guess you made your choice. One thing that hasn't been brought up here. you say that she 'ran into' and 'got called' by two different exes in like one week? Yeah ****ing right. She initiated with both of them. Who the hell has two random exes call in the same week. That is highly unlikely....you are trusting someone that has broken ur trust before. I find when people say **** like this it's because they can't keep it in, but also can't tell the truth, so they test the waters with an unhappy medium. I think this is just general human psychology. Someone talks about drugs all the time? they do em secretly. I don't know how you can trust that she didn't already sleep with both of them considering she's already cheated on you.

 

Also the timing....right before you're getting back together? she can't wait a week? buy a ****ing vibrator or something. who is such a sexually insatiable person, that at the 11th hour she needs to **** someone else. I am insanely sexually charged. I don't cheat. It's not hard. To me this shows she is afraid of having to sleep with you for the rest of your life. this is going to reoccur

 

You mention all of this work you did together to put the relationship back to together after she cheated once. Together? If i were you, she'd be putting the work in.

 

" Both of us concluded we don't really feel like using our free pass at all, but in her case it removes any thrill connected to possibly cheating in the future.

 

She thinks there's a thrill in cheating?!? Best case scenario, someone gets absolutely piss drunk, and makes a decision they regret. This girl sounds like she thinks it fun or a game.

 

Think about this. What are you doing to yourself? I literally feel pain for you. The fact that you gave her a hall pass with no intention of sleeping with anyone else yourself makes you a giant pussy. at least use yours. might be the last time you have a good time until you divorce this person.

 

Sorry, but this sounds horrendous.

 

You are kidding yourself. Getting laid for 3 months? You basically acknowledge that we all are possibly correct here. You are going to regret those 3 months forever. You will be more attached than ever. You are at the end of a long distance stint. GTFO man.....RUN!!!!!

 

Seriously, if getting laid is that important. Go get laid. It is not hard. You go out, you talk to girls, they give you number. you go out with them, they invite you up, say they never do this sort of a thing, and they're not going to have sex with u. you hook up with them, they beg for it. My god man put your emotional wellbeing over some sex.

 

I am typing this wall of text because i read this and it pretty much makes me want to puke, I will be late to something because of it.

 

For the love of yourself. ****ing reconsider.

Edited June 10, 2014 by Xenon2

[Chi townD]

I still haven't refunded the plane ticket, and after a couple of days of no contact we have had some long talks.

 

As much as this alone time thing caught me off guard, she has had a habit of withdrawing when dealing with a personal issue. It happened upon the death of a relative, rejection for a big job opportunity and a couple other occasions. What puzzled me this time is that she wouldnt tell me any details at all until getting back in touch again after a whopping 5 days.

 

So this "dealing with past exes ghosts" appeared to happen on top of another issue that got her depressed that week. She got some bad news about her graduation and was also on the red flow, so the hormones were all over the place. This she told me together with the exes stuff and sexual frustration, and of course this became the focus of discussion right before I broke up with her.

 

So its all about trust at this point. Do I believe her or not? Many of the theories of cheating that has been posted is of course possible. What she is telling me also makes alot of sense. I hate to break up without having proof or even a clear gut feeling.

 

So I have decided this.

 

1. She has been given a one-day free pass and seems fully committed to tell me if anything happens.

2. I also have a similar free pass.

3. Both of us concluded we don't really feel like using our free pass at all, but in her case it removes any thrill connected to possibly cheating in the future.

4. She will spend 3 months here this summer.

 

If I find out that she uses her free pass without telling me I will break up permanently. I will be "naive and stupid", yet watching her. I feel confident that if anything is going on I will find out. She is a sloppy mess when it comes to keeping stuff on her phone. I came for a susprise visit earlier this year and checked her phone secretly almost immediately (she had no chance to delete anything). Found nothing and never told her. I trusted her but needed verification. I still need verification, which is the only reason I didnt tell her I snooped.

 

If I break up permanently now, Im facing a depressing summer and possibly making a mistake based on false accusations. Least I can do for myself in case any of your cheating theories are correct is getting laid everyday for 3 months before moving on.

 

I risk getting hurt now, but thats life.

 

Oh and someone said something about women being able to get a new BF in a heartbeat. It might be true for many, but its not her truth. Her truth is based on her own experience, which is that most men lie, cheat and treat you bad and that she is very lucky to have me. Before me she had been lesbian for 2 years. Thats Sterling Archer for you.

 

 

 

I...give...up....really?!?!

 

 

Welcome to being a cuckold and the world of hurt you have coming your way!

 

 

GOOD LUCK!!!!

[sterlingarcher]

Xenon, since you made such an effort to write your reply I will make an effort to atleast answer your questions.

 

Yes she has the option to sleep with him. It makes no difference if I give permission or not. If she wants to, she probably will anyway. This is true for all GFs and wifes. If they want to they can do it. You can't stop them. And if she does she will be out of my life. I have given it alot of thought and concluded than I don't have fear for what will happen. I know I will be okay with or without her. I will have no second thoughts on breaking up, but if so it needs to be based on something that is true.

 

The first ex she ran into was in the middle of town and he was supposedly with his fiance. The second one texted her. The one who texted was the one who wanted to hook up. She has never mentioned his name before. If they have a thing, why mention him now?

She is 25 now and has about 20 male exes. She had a busy couple of years before turning lesbian. When she met me she was still stuck in the "crazy phase" of her life wanting to change. I didn't realize the extent of her somewhat crazy past until she cheated. But she has changed slowly. I'm not surprised she got a random hookup text from one of her exes.

 

Of course there's a thrill in cheating. That's why affairs happen.

 

You are American, no?

[PegNosePete]

I risk getting hurt now, but thats life.

It's quite frustrating that you can't see what's blatantly obvious to the rest of us. But, it's up to you at the end of the day.

 

Dude, just remember we'll be here to support you when it all goes tits up. Which I guarantee it WILL.

Edited June 10, 2014 by PegNosePete

[ExpatInItaly]

She's playing you like a damn fiddle, son.

 

Remember your agreement when she acts on it and has sex with some other guy. Again. You'll have nobody to blame but yourself.

[sterlingarcher]

Expat, if she does so I won't blame her and I won't blame myself. I will just take the memories with me, leave her and move on.

[twosadthings]

Once boundaries and the consequence of crossing them are clearly identified you shouldn't have to do anything more than go on with your lives.

 

Good luck and be true to yourself,

 

Twosadthings

[Chi townD]

Wait...wait...

 

 

this is a lesbian relationship? She slept with about 20+ men BEFORE turning lesbian... And now she wants to hook up with another man.

 

 

 

 

Sorry, but she's not a lesbian. If anything she's bi-curious. You're trying to be with a person that's probably in the middle of a sexual identity crisis. She already cheated on you and I can only assume it was with a man and now she wants your permission to hook up with another man. Sorry, but I don't see her being the Grand Marshall at any Gay Pride Parades!

 

 

I would just move on.

Edited June 10, 2014 by Chi townD

[sterlingarcher]

Lol.

 

She was tired of guys for a long period of time. She is not lesbian, its just a way of putting a label on the different stages she went through. She is bisexual and I am a man.

 

Everyone keeps saying she is wanting and intending to hook up with another man. Well I say its ok to feel tempted at times, which is how she put it as well when she initiated the topic for discussion. What matters is how you act upon it. I think I read more into it than what seems to be the case and so do many of you guys, but I appreciate all the answers.

[Chi townD]

 

 

She is 25 now and has about 20 male exes. She had a busy couple of years before turning lesbian.

 

 

 

Need to be a little more clear in your posts, dude.

[lolablue17]

I think that you handled it very well according to your wills and personality.

 

You analyzed it well by understanding that you can either break up with her, or you can give her the free pass. There is absolutely no way to just say "no" and hoping she won't cheat.

 

By your decision you eliminated your biggest fear - "to be cheated on". At least now you can be sure you will know the truth.

 

I'm very proud of you for being strong and not listening to all the advices here (including my self). I wish you to be happy.

 

Please update us here if she used her free pass or not - I think we will all glad to know what's happening

Edited June 10, 2014 by lolablue17

[Baller25]

OP is a blind man. Actually, even a blind guy wouldn't be this blind. Her ex is a lucky guy

 

I hate to tell you this OP, but judging by what you said I think you should start getting used to girls cheating on you; you might be a natural cuckhold and girls pick on that.

[veggirl]

Has this chick ever heard of masturbation????

 

I'm speechless. She is going to **** an ex and you're okay with that.