She wants an open relationship

[Chi townD]

So, let me see if I understand this. If you find out she does this behind your back, then it's over.

 

 

But if she calls you up and says, " Hi honey! Hey, I'm going to go have sex with Tom tonight, so if you try and call and I don't answer; well, that's why. So, I'll call you tomorrow. Love you, Bye!" Then, .....THAT'S okay...

 

 

And you'll be fine drinking a beer and watching the game KNOWING at that very moment, the girl that you love is screwing some other dude because she told you beforehand.

 

 

 

 

Does that seem weird to anyone else?

[No Limit]

I think you are the dream partner of every cheater.

And since there are many cheaters, you will never have trouble getting a GF, that's for sure.

 

Stress? Period? That's enough to make you permit her to cheat? Really?

 

Well, enjoy life, I guess.

Edited June 12, 2014 by No Limit

[lolablue17]

So, let me see if I understand this. If you find out she does this behind your back, then it's over.

 

But if she calls you up and says, " Hi honey! Hey, I'm going to go have sex with Tom tonight, so if you try and call and I don't answer; well, that's why. So, I'll call you tomorrow. Love you, Bye!" Then, .....THAT'S okay...

 

And you'll be fine drinking a beer and watching the game KNOWING at that very moment, the girl that you love is screwing some other dude because she told you beforehand.

 

Does that seem weird to anyone else?

 

No, I dont think that's what he wants.

 

I think by giving her the free pass, he is trying to ensure that first of all he will get the truth. She said she may not use this free pass. If she does, he can still break up with her later if he's feeling hurt.

 

But if she doesn't use it, he will know for sure (well, nothing is sure in this world) that she didn't cheat.

 

The other option is to break up immediately. but he didn't want that, he can always do it later.

[lolablue17]

So, let me see if I understand this. If you find out she does this behind your back, then it's over.

 

But if she calls you up and says, " Hi honey! Hey, I'm going to go have sex with Tom tonight, so if you try and call and I don't answer; well, that's why. So, I'll call you tomorrow. Love you, Bye!" Then, .....THAT'S okay...

 

And you'll be fine drinking a beer and watching the game KNOWING at that very moment, the girl that you love is screwing some other dude because she told you beforehand.

 

Does that seem weird to anyone else?

 

No, I dont think that's what he wants.

 

I think by giving her the free pass, he is trying to ensure that first of all he will get the truth. She said she may not use this free pass. If she does, he can still break up with her later.

 

But if she doesn't use it, he will know for sure (well, nothing is sure in this world) that she didn't cheat.

 

The other option is to break up immediately. but he didn't want that, he can always do it later.

[Spectre]

You don't give her a free pass to cheat. Just dump this trash and move on.

[PegNosePete]

I think by giving her the free pass, he is trying to ensure that first of all he will get the truth. She said she may not use this free pass. If she does, he can still break up with her later.

Well I've already told my opinion which is that she already cheated and is asking for this free pass retrospectively. Permission is always easier to obtain than forgiveness. My very strong thoughts is that she will say hey honey I used the free pass last night... when actually it was a few weeks ago. It's very easy to tell a little white lie about a date, whereas covering up that you slept with your ex is a lot harder.

 

But even if that's wrong... what's the point giving a free pass if you're going to dump her for using it? The very fact that she asked for it, means she WANTS to use it.

 

But if she doesn't use it, he will know for sure (well, nothing is sure in this world) that she didn't cheat.

Ya cos cheaters never lie, right.

Edited June 13, 2014 by PegNosePete

[ascendotum]

Well I've already told my opinion which is that she already cheated and is asking for this free pass retrospectively. Permission is always easier to obtain than forgiveness. My very strong thoughts is that she will say hey honey I used the free pass last night... when actually it was a few weeks ago. It's very easy to tell a little white lie about a date, whereas covering up that you slept with your ex is a lot harder.

 

But even if that's wrong... what's the point giving a free pass if you're going to dump her for using it? The very fact that she asked for it, means she WANTS to use it.

 

Ya cos cheaters never lie, right.

 

I agree with you, its quite possible you are right, but I think you are too strong on that its a safe bet she already did one of the exes. The free pass idea could easily have popped into head after one of her exes hit her up for some action. While she may use the free pass retroactively, the OP can use his to have some nsa fun in the present & near future...if he is so inclined. (don't think that's his style though), but still its not the one sided scenario that a few people paint. I think it will hurt him even if he does get some dirty stories to tell her.

 

Also his gf does not know that this is a test of her (OP would be a bit of a hypocrite if uses his free pass though). He really wants to keep this girl, and this is his scenario to see if it can happen. If he said no, he will be living in uncertainty if she cheat again, but with this he will have better chance to know if she will start shagging the ex. (I know people hear say choose the dump option) I think she'll use the free pass.

Nothings certain when you are in a LDR, and yep cheaters never lie...lol that door got kicked down already.

[ThatMan]

No, I dont think that's what he wants.

 

I think by giving her the free pass, he is trying to ensure that first of all he will get the truth. She said she may not use this free pass. If she does, he can still break up with her later.

 

But if she doesn't use it, he will know for sure (well, nothing is sure in this world) that she didn't cheat.

 

The other option is to break up immediately. but he didn't want that, he can always do it later.

Christ!

I feel so sorry for the both you and the OP.

 

That is the most passive-aggressive and indirect way imaginable to get what you want. For gods sake man, learn what healthy relationships and healthy boundaries are all about. Go to a library, pick up any book about personal boundaries, and invest a mere twenty minutes of your time to carefully read it. You can probably locate Setting Boundaries in a Relationship on Amazon or the internet and read it directly from your computer without rolling over to get dressed. I cannot begin to fathom how you would regard yourself, your own comfort and welfare, and go through life trying to establish both personal and professional relationships with anyone. You're going to screw your entire life up by being so ridiculously passive-aggressive.

[lolablue17]

Christ!

I feel so sorry for the both you and the OP.

 

That is the most passive-aggressive and indirect way imaginable to get what you want. For gods sake man, learn what healthy relationships and healthy boundaries are all about. Go to a library, pick up any book about personal boundaries, and invest a mere twenty minutes of your time to carefully read it. You can probably locate Setting Boundaries in a Relationship on Amazon or the internet and read it directly from your computer without rolling over to get dressed. I cannot begin to fathom how you would regard yourself, your own comfort and welfare, and go through life trying to establish both personal and professional relationships with anyone. You're going to screw your entire life up by being so ridiculously passive-aggressive.

 

Well, I listened to your advice and went to the library. :-)

 

It was said there that there isn't only one way of living. It was also written there that some people can not see beyond their nose view. The third thing i read is that many people, especially very young, see the world in clear shiny colours, black or white - right or wrong, and if you gain some experience, you become familiar with other colours.

 

And It took only 3 minutes to read it. I have 17 minutes left....

[jbelle6]

OP is a blind man. Actually, even a blind guy wouldn't be this blind. Her ex is a lucky guy

 

I hate to tell you this OP, but judging by what you said I think you should start getting used to girls cheating on you; you might be a natural cuckhold and girls pick on that.

 

 

 

EXACTLY, unless you have a cuckold fetish OP, I don't get why you are just accepting this?

 

I see so many nice and good looking guys on here pining away for these CUNextTuesdayS.

 

What damaged you so badly that you feel all you deserve are these scraps? I am wondering what countries you both are in?

[FitnessRN]

We are 2 years in, and currently LDR with one month to go before seing each other again.

 

So after 5 days of "I need alone time" from her and little contact, she gets back to me and we start talking.

 

She has been contacted by 2 exes, out of which one of them gave her a sex offer and she was tempted to say yes but didn't. She now presents the idea that maybe we allow each other "a treat", like a one day free pass to have sex with someone else no strings attached just to remove frustrations of being horny and missing physical contact. Basically she is asking for permission and is willing to give me permission too.

 

She cheated on me a year ago and we have worked alot on communication since then. Obviously it helped because now she is honest and tells me what she wants.

 

I'm torn between breaking up because I feel like her head is in the wrong place for thinking these thoughts, yet I have to admit Im sexually frustrated myself. On the other hand I could say a blank NO to her suggestion and just trust she will respect it.

 

Suggestions?

 

 

First off: "I need alone time" means, she's trying to end things. When somebody says "I need time to myself" or "I'm getting turned off" their interest level is already below 50%...I told a girl "I feel like the fire is burning out" and "I've been getting turned off since the second date" meaning...shes OUT! We are friends still..stand up for yourself and don't take crap. Where's the Alpha male in you?

 

 

Second: Shes in contact with her ex's? That's a big red flag! I'd cut her lose! I went on a date and the girl mentioned her ex (whoa nelly) I asked her if she still keeps in contact with her ex and she looked down at the table with a angry face and said "NOO!" which means she's caught. Game over with her!

 

 

 

Third: She cheated? You should of banged her and broke up with her later that day..that's unacceptable!

 

 

Fourth: Shes in contact with her ex's? is she stringing them along too? She sounds like a Sociopath getting whatever she wants..

 

 

 

 

Look, I'm actually a nice guy, but I don't take crap. I've had girls cut me off because I didn't take their crap (I told one not to text me when she was out with her friends on a dinner date and she got mad and cut ties..that's a bullet dodge..she should be giving them respect and their time and not texting me), it's easy to get over things fast when you know there are much better upgrades.

 

 

Carry on! Fight on!

 

 

Once you wake up finally, you will realize she did you a favor! At least you don't have psychotic females chasing you all the time!

[Justaguy30]

She has already been cheating on you and now feels bad so she is allowing you the opportunity to ruin the relationship for her. Its over, break up, move on. Stop contact. RUN!!!!!!! Sorry to say it but she has likely been cheating on you for a long time. This is just her way of saying its over, she wants you to break up with her so she doesn't have to break up with you.

[Justaguy30]

It is more of a trust issue, there is a slight chance in hell that she is being totally honest but its not a very good chance. If you feel okay about this run with it but be warned she will likely be cheating or sleeping with others more often than you would like to believe. Some people actually make open relationships work. Maybe you guys should try a threesome or swapping situation and see how that goes. That way its more of a we are both involved situation.

[sterlingarcher]

Where to start?

 

It was said there that there isn't only one way of living. It was also written there that some people can not see beyond their nose view. The third thing i read is that many people, especially very young, see the world in clear shiny colours, black or white - right or wrong, and if you gain some experience, you become familiar with other colours.

I'm quoting something that many of you should read twice in my opinion. I don't know if its due to most people being American in here, but there is such a black/white way of looking at things in here and people are being advised to get individual counselling for almost any issue in their life. This is far from the reality in the rest of the world, Americans:) I'm not someone who has superior knowledge but I do have a very open mind.

 

To those who think I'm OK with her sleeping with anyone else than me, I can tell you that I am not.

 

She never bluntly asked for a free pass, but she did bring it up for discussion. It was me who interpreted the situation as if she was indirectly asking for one. I still believe she was indirectly asking for one, because she seemed at ease with the agreement we made. We have one free pass each and neither of us intends to use it.

 

This is what can happen from now on:

1. She doesnt use the free pass

2. She uses it and tells me - I will break up and bear no grudges.

3. She uses it and never tells me

 

What if she uses it and never tells me? Well nothing much to do about that. What would you do if you got cheated on but never knew about it? It might be the case in anyones relationship. Thats why we try build trust through honesty and communication.

 

Something interesting happened yesterday as we slid into the topic of this free pass thing during a long talk. Ever since it became a topic I have felt that a free pass agreement is abit pointless if neither intends to use it, but I never expressed this opinion to her. Yesterday she was making this point and I had to agree with her. We left it at that and she is coming two weeks from now.

[PegNosePete]

For reference... I'm not American. I'm a Brit.

 

What would you do if you got cheated on but never knew about it? It might be the case in anyones relationship. Thats why we try build trust through honesty and communication.

What? You contradict yourself.

 

How can you possibly build trust with someone who has cheated on you but not told you? They are a LIAR by default. You would be building trust through honesty and communication whereas they would be lying every time they open their mouth (lying my omission, hiding very pertinent facts about themself and your relationship).

 

Well I've told you my opinion on this whole situation many times already, no need to repeat. I very much expect to see you on here in a couple of weeks, months or years with a sad end to your story. I hope I am wrong. Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, if you're comfortable with your agreement, by all means, go forth. I am not American, and I live in a country/culture different from my birth country. I am still baffled by the terms of your relationship. However, nobody here can tell you how to conduct your relationship.All we can do is offer feedback based on our own perceptions and experiences, which is why you posted about this in the first place, no?

 

In any case, if you're both set on this idea of a free pass, I feel it's only fair you get two. She's already cheated (if I am remembering your backstory correctly) and essentially got away with it. Now she wants another free pass. By my calculations, that entitles you to two. Just saying.

[road]

Where to start?

 

 

She never bluntly asked for a free pass, but she did bring it up for discussion. It was me who interpreted the situation as if she was indirectly asking for one. I still believe she was indirectly asking for one, because she seemed at ease with the agreement we made. We have one free pass each and neither of us intends to use it.

 

 

 

 

 

Because she new how to play you. She is smart enough not to be direct and tell you that she is going to bang her ex BF. And most likely she has. She just wants to cover up loose ends.

[BetrayedH]

I love how she never asked for a free pass

 

 

 

 

 

 

but she got one.

 

Well played.

 

Although she doesn't know that if she uses her "free" pass, she's going to get dumped.

 

I'm sure if I wasn't an American, I would see how this is a fairy-tale in the making.

[thekid36]

We are 2 years in, and currently LDR with one month to go before seing each other again.

 

So after 5 days of "I need alone time" from her and little contact, she gets back to me and we start talking.

 

She has been contacted by 2 exes, out of which one of them gave her a sex offer and she was tempted to say yes but didn't. She now presents the idea that maybe we allow each other "a treat", like a one day free pass to have sex with someone else no strings attached just to remove frustrations of being horny and missing physical contact. Basically she is asking for permission and is willing to give me permission too.

 

She cheated on me a year ago and we have worked alot on communication since then. Obviously it helped because now she is honest and tells me what she wants.

 

I'm torn between breaking up because I feel like her head is in the wrong place for thinking these thoughts, yet I have to admit Im sexually frustrated myself. On the other hand I could say a blank NO to her suggestion and just trust she will respect it.

 

Suggestions?

 

I am going to be as blunt as possible here. This is something I have direct experience with. I do realize that all situations are specific. However, I still feel the need to tell you what I experienced.

 

Don't do it. No good can come of an arrangement like this. I was married to a bipolar woman. We had no sexual relationship at all because she was into incredibly violent sex. One day out of the blue, she said that she wanted to open things up. The reason being that she met a man she wanted to bang like there was no tomorrow.

 

I really want to be with only one woman. But, I also wanted to do all possible to make her happy and make the marriage work. Even as horrible as it was. So stupidly, I agreed to open things up. I had as much right to mess around as she did.

 

They had sex in our house over 50 times. Not exaggerating. She was nothing if not honest. Then, as quickly as she wanted this, she decided to call it all off. Because, she had her fun and her man was evidently moving away. She did not discuss it with me. More like a definitive decision that for the both of us that she came up with on her own.

 

Now, what guy in his right mind gets a free pass and does not use it? Me. I did talk to a woman who was going through the first stages of a divorce. It is what was destined to happen for my ex and me. This open thing and the results of it just made it all a little quicker in the end. But, the woman and I were just friends. I have to feel something before just jumping into bed with someone.

 

My friend and I did have plans to meet for lunch while the open thing was still on. As friends. I decided that we should still be able to meet. I was not happy that my ex told me what was going to go down without asking for my input. Not that I wanted to have sex with others. It is just the idea of not being treated as an equal partner is what upset me. She was all over the idea of opening things up and begged me to give into her. Then, all of a sudden, she changed her tune. I should be allowed to have lunch with a friend, right?

 

But, I still felt guilty after my friend and I met and told the ex. She became furious and accused me of cheating. This before throwing my stuff out on the lawn. Could I have tried to get back in the house? Sure. But, why even try to fix what was already broken and never there? Could I have just met my friend and not have said anything? Yes. But, I always feel that honesty is the best policy.

 

Sure, I reflect back on it now and know the relationship was doomed before it even started. I have learned from it and have moved on. No need to analyze any of that here. Suffice to say that never again will I sacrifice my own happiness for someone else. But, the point of all this is that open arrangements have the tendency to go South really fast. This woman could be leading you around like a puppet on a string. If you have any doubts at all, they should be respected by her. I would be very careful and cautious as to how you proceed.

 

 

 

 

　

 

 

　

 

 

　

 

 

　

 

 

　

 

 

　

 

 

　

 

 

　

[littleplanet]

Where to start?

 

I'm quoting something that many of you should read twice in my opinion. I don't know if its due to most people being American in here, but there is such a black/white way of looking at things in here and people are being advised to get individual counselling for almost any issue in their life. This is far from the reality in the rest of the world, Americans:) I'm not someone who has superior knowledge but I do have a very open mind.

 

To those who think I'm OK with her sleeping with anyone else than me, I can tell you that I am not.

 

She never bluntly asked for a free pass, but she did bring it up for discussion. It was me who interpreted the situation as if she was indirectly asking for one. I still believe she was indirectly asking for one, because she seemed at ease with the agreement we made. We have one free pass each and neither of us intends to use it.

 

This is what can happen from now on:

1. She doesnt use the free pass

2. She uses it and tells me - I will break up and bear no grudges.

3. She uses it and never tells me

 

What if she uses it and never tells me? Well nothing much to do about that. What would you do if you got cheated on but never knew about it? It might be the case in anyones relationship. Thats why we try build trust through honesty and communication.

 

Something interesting happened yesterday as we slid into the topic of this free pass thing during a long talk. Ever since it became a topic I have felt that a free pass agreement is abit pointless if neither intends to use it, but I never expressed this opinion to her. Yesterday she was making this point and I had to agree with her. We left it at that and she is coming two weeks from now.

 

 

OP,

My initial gut reaction was to tell you that you and your SO are not so very good at long distance relationship - and just leave it at that.

 

After cruising through the gallery here.....I'm more tempted now to offer this:

It appears that you and your fiance (if that is indeed what she officially is) seriously need to spend some time together, face to face - before either one of you make a decision about anything.

 

That of course, is in consideration of the liklihood that you can both survive until that point in time without blowing each other up.

 

Be as open minded as you want. Americans (or any other breed of human on the planet) do not own any particular stamp on human moral codes, conventional, unconventional, or anything in between. That is entirely beside the point.

 

What is tantamount to the point - is what you and your intended can live with, and settle in terms agreeable to you both.

 

The issues she raised are what they are. Quite frankly, I don't think you handled it all that well..............

which is what no doubt, brought you into this charming neighborhood.

 

As is often the case - she is the dark horse in all of this. All we know about her is what you state. Have you correctly nailed it down so that I feel I understand her side of the story? No.

(I do a fair amount of this stuff in my "real" life - but never without knowing both parties in the story, well enough to make sense of it.)

 

That being said, I suppose I can jump to any conclusion I want to, and wave my biases in the air.....but I don't think that will help you much.

 

Simply: I know what I would do in your postition.

I'd tell her in no uncertain terms that until there was a face to face heart to heart discussion.....the kind that can settle the issue, under no circumstances is the issue settled, agreed upon, or on the table. Period.

 

You now have less than two weeks until the big day.

Good luck.

Over and out.

[soccerrprp]

I love how she never asked for a free pass

 

but she got one.

 

Well played.

 

Although she doesn't know that if she uses her "free" pass, she's going to get dumped.

 

I'm sure if I wasn't an American, I would see how this is a fairy-tale in the making.

 

I'm not going to bother going back to read some of the earlier posts, but what does the OP being an American have anything to do with this effed-up situation?!

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm not going to bother going back to read some of the earlier posts, but what does the OP being an American have anything to do with this effed-up situation?![/QUOTE]

 

Nothing at all. It's an attempt by the OP to be justify his girlfriend's craptastic behaviour according to cultural norms. Suddenly became relevant when OP decided to lay back and accept his girlfriend's desire to have sex with other people, even though he obviously doesn't love this idea or he'd never have started this thread. But you know, Americans just won't understand it!

[Keke1]

Everyone giving advice read his 4th post. He started backtracking and rationalizing there. It was useless after that. I literally laughed at every post except maybe two from this guy. This was such a funny thread. He rationalized everything she told him lol

[BetrayedH]

I'm not going to bother going back to read some of the earlier posts, but what does the OP being an American have anything to do with this effed-up situation?!

 

He thinks we Americans aren't open-minded enough to get it.

 

The problem I see is that the OP doesn't really have an open mind about her sleeping with other people either. He's in denial about the fact that she asked for a free pass, gave her one anyway, and will break up with her if she uses it. I don't think you have to be an American to think that this isn't a good way to proceed towards marriage.

[Orange floor]

You know how you miss 10 episodes of a soap on TV but just as soon as you catch the latest episode you are up to speed quickly, well here we are.

 

OP the way I see it you no longer have a LDR in fact you no longer have a R well one that is worth investing in.

 

So the free pass is good for a day when she can get rid of her frustrations and urges, so she has a gang of guys turn up - oh I see there is a limit - how many then does the pass have limits like a Disney day pass you know "not good for certain rides" so is it only exes. So really you could be real lucky here. you also get a free pass for allowing your GF a free pass and as you are soon to be an ex as well you might benefit from her having a free pass; which of course she does not need now anyway. CONFUSED well now you know the dilemma you posed in the first place. Get real! a free pass means "i want to be able to do what I want and have sex with whoever but you will still be there to validate my being able to say I am in a relationship when I need to".

 

Just find someone without so many exes who call for favours