She wants an open relationship

[Lernaean_Hydra]

For reasons I won't go into I'm 99% sure she won't dump me no matter what I say to her request. She will more likely drag me along in lies and deception rather than dump me. If anyone is going to do the dumping, it will be me.

 

I will give this some thought and make a decision very soon.

 

So she'd be too afraid to dump you but have no problem cheating again? Jesus, what is it, citizenship? Money??

 

Why open yourself up to that possibility? If your crystal ball is telling you that's the case why even give her the opportunity to lie and deceive and make you a cuckold? Frankly I don't think there's a need for much thought to be given here. My decision would've been made.

[Trufita]

I don't understand why you even want to consider this. She had already cheated once, she broke your trust in her, which is more important than ever in a LDR, you forgave her and now she asks you for permission to have sex with an ex?! Seriously?! Unless you are the same as her, and up to open relationships, you should break up with her. If you don't give her the permission there is no way to know she is not going to do it anyway. I think just asking for it is a deal breaker.

[ascendotum]

You are LDR and she needs alone time?? W-T-F ???

...

She wants to bang other people. She wants to bang her ex. She doesn't want to be committed to you.

 

her needing alone time in a LDR...this cracked me up. Sounds like she is emotionally checking out.

I left Pete's last line in basically because it sums it up for me too. I'm in an open relationship and it was something we discussed early on when we were just dating with nothing serious intentions. It suited both our needs & circumstances. It can be tricky though. You cant be jealous or insecure and ideally both partners would want to have similar options/opportunities so no one feels its a one sided deal. You also don't want to see any adverse change in the relationship dynamic as a result (ie your gf/bf changes).

 

For those in LDRs I do appreciate why it could be option. I couldn't be in one when I was young & horny and if it was likewise for my gf. Its a bit tricky to bring up however after some time in the relationship, as chances are the other person wont feel quite the same and the ensuing conversation about them being keen on wanting to bang others could easily do damage, even if they agreed to not go ahead with it. A number here are betting she has already done it, and now wants a change in relationship to sanction her misbehavior. If not, it still shows she still has the hots for her ex and he's working on her to become a fwb. I guess it depends how long the distance is going to be for, but I'd worry. I bet plenty still cheat in LDRs and say nothing however, so I would not necessarily say just because a LDR partner never mentions being tempted means everything is fine & dandy. you have to be quite trusting. Anyway I really think you might be better of calling it quits if you don't want to do the open/hall pass thing. I don't think things will be the same after this.

 

The thing is she could also easily have given you a teary break up speech 'because LDR is too hard', and then sleep with a different guy each week, then come back to your city and catch up and you could easily renew the relationship with her again. The outcome would be somewhat similar, but most people would find no problem with that

[daisydook]

Why are you even together? This sounds like a headache waiting to happen. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard, and don't for one minute think it is to release ONLY her sexual frustrations. I believe there are other motives behind this. She wants to screw her ex of ALL people? Odd. She has probably been cheating with him the entire time.

 

 

Dump her and sleep with whoever you damn well please.

[sterlingarcher]

I will make some general reply to all posts.

 

This is a girl whom I've been with for 2 years, its not a 2 month fling. We are very close and we had planned to marry this year to live together. From this 2 years we have been with each other on 5 different occasions, each lasting for 1-3 months. From experience we always get some issues when apart, but we are very good when together.

 

Thats why I just don't break up with her the minute she says something disturbing while on distance. I want my decision to be a well thought one and not an impulse.

 

That being said I did break up with her some hours ago after getting a night sleep to let everything sink in. My logic to her was this: you don't bring up a free pass discussion unless you want a free pass yourself. She insisted she just wanted to discuss it and hear my opinion, not that she wanted one herself.

When I asked her if she would take advantage of me giving her permission, she said yes but "only if it would be fully OK with you".

 

That did it for me. I asked for a break and she respected that, although she was fighting hard to convince me that I am the only one for her. I believe her, but I can't be in a relationship where I have trouble trusting and my heart isn't fully in it. I've been through too much this past year. I love her, but I called it quits now.

 

How will I know if I actually made the right decision for myself? A part of me feels bad and regrets breaking up because I love her and I have no trouble seing a happy and monogamous future for us if we only had the chance to live together.

[PegNosePete]

I have no trouble seing a happy and monogamous future for us if we only had the chance to live together.

Yes but the problem is that she doesn't share that dream, does she? She quite clearly wants to bang other guys, and would have done so whether you'd given her permission or not.

 

Sorry for your situation but you definitely did the right thing. I hope you'll see that someday.

[Dark Holy]

OP you did the right thing. If you don't respect yourself she would never respect you. Two years is nothing man. You'll be fine.

 

 

It was doomed either way. You stood up for yourself, and you were able to part ways in a semi-civil manner.

 

But if you had said yes... I've seen some buddies go down that road and it's not pretty. They end up holding the camera if you get what I mean.

[No Limit]

You two were at different points in your relationship. You were headed for marriage, she was heading for parties and beds.

 

You'll find another. Heads up.

[Darren Steez]

Phrasing! Lol. Thank you and I agree with your post. I just thought we were in a better place than this. Everything she said came as a surprise to me because she has really changed her ways since the cheating 1 year ago. It feels weird thinking about dumping her because she hasn't appeared to have done anything wrong except being honest now. Nevertheless she is (knowingly or not) making an effort to getting dumped right now. I feel pretty sure she will come back to me regretting everything and wanting me back, because honestly I dont think she will find someone better than me unless she changes something about herself.

 

Maybe I should have spent those $800 on something else than her plane ticket. Like alcohol.

 

This is the kind of thinking that gets guys in trouble and full of heartache. She doesn't have to find better than you, she's a girl, she's getting dudes calling her wanting to get with her, and that's just the exes. Imagine when she goes out and the like.

 

She already cheated once and you took her back because it's not her that can't find somebody better, it's you..you're willing to take a cheater back, even willing to use rationale when your girl proposes you have one free day to bang someone else.

 

She already detached when she cheated the first time, now she's thinking about it again.

 

Run run like your tail is on fire.

[Darren Steez]

I will make some general reply to all posts.

 

This is a girl whom I've been with for 2 years, its not a 2 month fling. We are very close and we had planned to marry this year to live together. From this 2 years we have been with each other on 5 different occasions, each lasting for 1-3 months. From experience we always get some issues when apart, but we are very good when together.

 

Thats why I just don't break up with her the minute she says something disturbing while on distance. I want my decision to be a well thought one and not an impulse.

 

That being said I did break up with her some hours ago after getting a night sleep to let everything sink in. My logic to her was this: you don't bring up a free pass discussion unless you want a free pass yourself. She insisted she just wanted to discuss it and hear my opinion, not that she wanted one herself.

When I asked her if she would take advantage of me giving her permission, she said yes but "only if it would be fully OK with you".

 

That did it for me. I asked for a break and she respected that, although she was fighting hard to convince me that I am the only one for her. I believe her, but I can't be in a relationship where I have trouble trusting and my heart isn't fully in it. I've been through too much this past year. I love her, but I called it quits now.

 

How will I know if I actually made the right decision for myself? A part of me feels bad and regrets breaking up because I love her and I have no trouble seing a happy and monogamous future for us if we only had the chance to live together.

 

Going out together should be a trail run of what it's like to be married. In fact LDR should be perfect in that respect, if she really loved you, she would have been blowing up your phone, skype or whatever, wanting to talk to you, to hear your voice.

 

How can you trust someone who's taking calls from exes offering sex after having cheated herself?

 

You see monogamy but she doesn't. But the most pertinent question is you haven't done any of the stuff she has. Relationships must have some balance or should be equal. You expect to be treated the way you treat others. You want monogamy. She wants sex with other boys. Unequal.

 

You did the right thing bro. Find someone closer to home. It really helps

[sterlingarcher]

But if you had said yes... I've seen some buddies go down that road and it's not pretty. They end up holding the camera if you get what I mean.

I get what you mean *sadlaugh*

 

Thanks guys.

 

One thing to add. I don't believe she would cheat on me when the distance between us is not there, and the way she put it during our discussion about free pass it was meant to be a free pass when on distance. I kinda get her, but I strongly disagree with her.

[Natsume21]

I get what you mean *sadlaugh*

 

Thanks guys.

 

One thing to add. I don't believe she would cheat on me when the distance between us is not there, and the way she put it during our discussion about free pass it was meant to be a free pass when on distance. I kinda get her, but I strongly disagree with her.

 

Your delusion is pretty sad.

 

She CHEATED ON YOUR ONCE ALREADY! And you took her back with no problem. Should have sent that bitch packing. But no, you played the "I love you and willing to work things out" card. She lost serious respect for you. If she respected you, she would KNOW, absolutely KNOW, that you're not okay with this and wouldn't even dare ASK, out of respect.

 

But no, there is no respect with her, is it? It isn't the distance(though that does play a part) it's the options. This would have happened one way or the other, distance or not.

 

A woman so young loses respect for guys like you. Many of them are too busy wanting to boost their egos taming the guys that can't be tamed.

 

You are DELUSIONAL if you think she's coming back. She's a woman, she can snap a finger and BAM! 5-10 guys come to her beck and call. Supply and demand my friend. They got the supply, we demand it.

 

Take a lesson from this user...and get yourself some fun girls too. Learn to live a little. I know you want commitment, but do what I do.

 

Improve yourself and date around for the **** of it. You might learn a thing or two.

[lolablue17]

How will I know if I actually made the right decision for myself? A part of me feels bad and regrets breaking up because I love her and I have no trouble seing a happy and monogamous future for us if we only had the chance to live together.

 

You made the right decision! You didn't block the possibility that you will be back together again in the future.

 

Look at it that way - Until the time you will be able to be together (not LDR) you have two options:

 

1. each of you have permission to sleep with others, while you are still talking, skyping ect...

 

2. each of you have permission to sleep with others, while you are not talking.

 

it's almost the same. in both cases each of you can sleep with others, fall in love with others (it can happen whether you plan it or not) and decide later if you still want to be back together.

 

It's almost the same! just with less pain for you.

[sterlingarcher]

You made the right decision! You didn't block the possibility that you will be back together again in the future.

Well we can't just move in together just like that in the future. For us to not be LDR we need to marry so one of us can get a permanent visa. Travelling costs alot of time and money too, its not like a 2 hr drive. Its a 20 hr plane trip at $800. So we either move on now together, or break up. We were basically 4 months from cutting the distance, but its a now or never thing. Because I'm not doing another 2 yrs of LDR like this in the future just to figure out if we can be together again and then marry.

[lolablue17]

Well we can't just move in together just like that in the future. For us to not be LDR we need to marry so one of us can get a permanent visa. Travelling costs alot of time and money too, its not like a 2 hr drive. Its a 20 hr plane trip at $800. So we either move on now together, or break up. We were basically 4 months from cutting the distance, but its a now or never thing. Because I'm not doing another 2 yrs of LDR like this in the future just to figure out if we can be together again and then marry.

 

I understand - it makes things complicated.

 

How about the solution you mentioned - moving in together now? is it possible?

[solway86]

An open relationship (well, the type discussed here) is wrong, in my opinion, if you want to go off with different men / women, then be single.

 

The only open relationship that should happen is a relationship where both parties are open and honest about their issues to one another, really.

[Chi townD]

You did good, dude. Even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

 

You have to look at it this way, She put more of a value on getting her sexual needs met over your relationship. I truly believe that she was going to do this with or without your permission.

 

You stated that you may have been headed for marriage. Well, one of those vows are through good times and bad. When you stand at that alter and say those words to each other, they should come out easily because you've already proven those to each other while you were dating. Well, she's proven that she can't handle the bad times ( i.e. long distance being the bad times),

 

But, here's the rub, I can pretty much tell you that she's viewing this as your permission. You broke up with her and now she's free to sleep with her Ex guilt free and you're free to do the same. And after she gets her rocks off after a few weeks, she's convinced she can get you back, so she'll come sniffing around and start reaching out and establishing contact. Then, after she says all the things you want to hear, you two will be back together and she gets what she wanted all along. Dude, be mindful of this and DO NOT PLAY HER GAMES!

 

Make this break up permanent!!!

[ascendotum]

^ yeah I can see her pulling this too. lol. Its a sneaky but possibly effective way of getting around the original objection to the open relationship knock back. If he takes her back in a month or two then it will be a worse decision than if he had said yes to the open relationship proposal as at least that was even sided. You have to make this a permanent decision OP.

[Spectre]

Just read my own post and it sure looks like someone who wants to dump their GF without feeling bad for it, lol.

 

Why should you feel bad? Crazy chick is a cheater who wants an open relationship. Kick the trash to the curb, then she can go open her legs to whatever guy she wants.

[sterlingarcher]

I understand - it makes things complicated.

 

How about the solution you mentioned - moving in together now? is it possible?

Yes its possible. The plane ticket is not yet cancelled, she was due to come 4 weeks from now and stay for 3 months. The plan was to marry during this time, so that when her 3 months visa runs out she will come to stay permanently. So its 4 weeks apart - 3 months together - 3 months apart - permanently together, thats whats left of LDR for us. The only thing I ask is to stay faithful during all this time, but the discussion she brought up put serious doubts in my mind.

 

She stated very clearly and desperate that she doesn't want another man, not for sex nor relationship, but she wanted to discuss this free pass thing with me just for the sake of being honest with her thoughts and to know my thoughts.

 

Maybe some of you guys are right, that deep down she is trashy and cheating. Or maybe she actually changed and is just being honest with her thoughts.

 

I haven't spoken to her since I told her I need a break from us apart from hinting that I will atleast need this weekend with no contact to gather all my thoughts on how to proceed. Her mum is also due to come visit and see my parents. So we either go through with this thing or not. If we cancel the tickets it will be very hard to restore the relationship in the future. She feels like she is on the doorstep to a happy marriage and life with me, and I'm ditching in the last second.

 

I have girl- and guyfriends and there is no one I can be with 24/7 without getting tired of them except this woman. We can be in the same room but still be alone if you understand. Its a special connection I didn't even have it with my last GF in our 5 years. So in the long run I'm thinking whats a one-time cheating episode compared to a whole life together.

[sterlingarcher]

You have to look at it this way, She put more of a value on getting her sexual needs met over your relationship. I truly believe that she was going to do this with or without your permission.

I agree with this Chitown, but you can also see it from another side. What she did was wrong and she realized that. You don't know the amount of work we did to overcome it. But its all past now. And as much as you and I interpret her as asking for permission, thats not what she actually did. She simply brought this thing up for discussion. Its not as black and white as you are putting it.

 

And this marriage thing, what it is for her and me is simply a way to get permanent visa. See it as me giving her a key to my house so she can move in. A proper wedding with family, vows and honeymoon will happen some time in the future, after knowing we can handle everyday life ups and downs together.

[sterlingarcher]

I just want to clarify. The thread name is "She wants an open relationship".

 

She hasn't actually asked for open relationship or permission to do anything, but that was my interpretation of the situation when she brought this up for discussion.

 

Sorry if I made that unclear, because it seems like some of you think that she bluntly asked for an open relationship, in which she states she clearly does not want.

[ThatMan]

You're a philandering apologist. She might claim to only want you but she's also openly conflicted at the same time. She had a moment of genuine sincerity with you and you dismissed her, completely. Take her for how she is. It's impossible to both want you exclusively and have sex with other people. Don't you understand that? Why are you apologizing for her behavior by saying that you've worked hard together? So what? She still went out of her way to propose having sex with other people. She clearly stated that she wants to deal with her sexual frustrations by having random sex and just because you ask her not to doesn't mean she'll have to comply. Marriage sure as hell won't guarantee she'll stop having these urges. There's literally nothing you can do or say to change what goes on inside her own mind. She needs to do that for herself and not for you.

 

If you believe that you could simply trust an undependable person to do what you say just simply because you said so, then you're screwed because you clearly have no idea how to distinguish between recognizing who she is as a person, versus what you want her to be.

 

I'd like to believe that you're either trolling everybody by inventing the story altogether, still a teenager, or an absolute flaming homosexual. Who ends a sentence with, 'hehe'? What the?

[sterlingarcher]

I'd like to believe that you're either trolling everybody by inventing the story altogether, still a teenager, or an absolute flaming homosexual. Who ends a sentence with, 'hehe'? What the?

"Hehe" means "lol" in my language. I'm neither of what you are suggesting.

[ExpatInItaly]

I just want to clarify. The thread name is "She wants an open relationship".

 

She hasn't actually asked for open relationship or permission to do anything, but that was my interpretation of the situation when she brought this up for discussion.

 

Sorry if I made that unclear, because it seems like some of you think that she bluntly asked for an open relationship, in which she states she clearly does not want.

 

Wait...what?

So does she or doesn't she want to have sex with other men? I don't get what she's asked you for.