Wife cheated and got pregnant

[lambthatbecamealion]

Hi everyone, I am new here. Here is a brief bio about me and about my wife and I.

 

I am 26 I have a 4 year old son from a previous marriage. I am currently deployed to Afghanistan. I have been here 2 months now. My wife and I got married in February of this year. We have been together as a couple since october of 2013, so really not much time. She is 25. We went to high school together, never really introduced ourselves but I knew who she was and she knew who I was. She is a member of the Air National Guard. Before deployment we have been talking about having our own children. She loves my son and my son loves her. Every time I Skype with him he asks where she is.

 

Well to the serious part.

Well for the past month I had a gut feeling there was something going on with her and this "friend" as she put it. He lives in the apartment above ours with another couple. They party every weekend. Well I questioned her about who he was several times because I noticed they talked on Facebook and she would stop messaging me when with him and his friends. She said they were just friends and she liked hanging out with them cause they mad her feel alive since I have been gone. I asked her multiple times if she is attracted to him and she says no. Well this went on all month, she would stop talking to me completely when with them and stay out late. Well 3 days ago she tells me that she slept with him multiple times including in my house and in our bed. She told me everything. She told me how many times and where they were and when it happened. All at times in which I knew something was going on. Everything she told me prior about this guy was a lie. She told me she was attracted to him from the first time she saw him. She then told me that she is 4 weeks pregnant with his kid. She said they had unprotected sex a couple times and that she liked him but didn't love him.

I was crushed and wanted to end it without a thought.

I gathered my senses the best I could and talked about options. She and I don't really believe in abortion. She has told me time and time again how she wants my kids and wants me not him. She told me she made a mistake and the reasons she did what she did. I told her she needed to make her decision. Whether she was going to keep the baby and give it up, keep it and we get divorced, or abortion.

She said she couldn't do adoption. She said she didn't want to lose me in divorce and then lose her job due to adultery. So she is set on abortion because she wants me, she wants to have my children, she wants to fix what she did and stay married and get all the help we need.

I told her if that was her decision that I would do the same. I would be here for her after the abortion and that I would pay for it and be understanding and help her as much as I could in the hopes our marriage and life gets stronger and healthier down the road. I told her that what she did to me was the worst thing she could do. I told her how I felt and that trust has been lost and it would take lots of work for her to earn it back. I also told her that her decision for abortion is a tough one and I understand that. But it is hers. She will have to live with it, I will have to live with it. I told her that a decision like that shows me that she is willing to stay with me and fix our marriage. A decision like that deserves a second chance. I told her that I will do all I can to help her emotions and pain through it and that I ask for her to just be open and honest with me about everything. That if we do this she needs to swear to me that she will never do something like this again. She did.

She called the doctor and is set up for this on the 11th. I am worried for her. All I want is to be there and help her in person. My unit is trying to find a way to get me home but it isn't looking good. Not being there makes me worried that the anger and resentment and pain will be harder on her. So it almost makes me want to tell her that maybe keeping it is the best option. I don't want to influence her decision though. And if she does keep it I will resent the baby. I know I couldn't love it or anything due to the son I have and all that she did to me. I need to look out for myself too. I still need to grieve and I still need to look out for my sons best interests. The guy she did this with wants her to keep it and I told her that if she has any feelings for me that she needs to leave him alone and not talk or contact him in anyway. She agreed with the exception of telling him after she has the abortion.

 

So my question or whatever is that am I making the right decision with letting her do this to herself and then trying to work our marriage out? I know that it is going to be ridiculously hard but I love this woman still and there is passion and love on both ends. I know that, but passion and love don't always work without trust, the trust i have for her is minimal. Or should I just tell her that we are done and that I can't go through all this? I know it isn't the babies fault, it isn't my fault either. It is hers. She made the choices. I really want this marriage with her and I really do believe in second chances. She also has depression and anxiety issues. So I know that if we do head down the path of divorce that she could end up miscarrying and then hurt herself for it. And the same thing with the abortion. The emotional attachment and just the procedure (surgery not pill) could be traumatizing enough to make her feel hopeless and even lash out on me. Me being here makes it hard because if I was there we could do this together and I could help and be there for her.

 

Any advice would be helpful. If you have a question please ask. Be considerate though.

 

Thanks

[Clay]

Your young and you clearly have a lot going for you. She betrayed you in the worst possible way. I doubt she really loves you the way you love her. Cheating on a One night stand is one thing. She did it over and over again and then in your bed as well. I would personally just walk away. I know that is hard but her getting a abortion is something she will never really live down and you will have to live with that too. There are plenty of other women out there that would be faithful to you and have a family with you. Give yourself a chance to find real love.

 

Clay

[68_f100]

Do your child the biggest favor a dad could. Get yourself and him away from her. File for divorce and be done. She doesn't love you. This is not the type of person you want anywhere near your son. She has no respect for either of you. Beyond that thank you for your service.

[tom670]

First you have to talk to a lawyer and figure out your legal options.

She is saying all the right things but talk is cheap.

I like you could not raise some other guys kid.

Just please consider can you really trust her after this.

Think hard about this.

[Realist3]

Sorry for your obvious pain.

 

This may be harsh, but if you were my son I would tell you to run. End the marriage while it is still in the early stages. This early in a marriage and it is one strike and you are out. You don't know her. You dated her for 4 months and then got married(mistake), then a few months after that she cheats on you. Forget about the abortion talk. Whether or not she does it, she will keep shagging this guy or someone else while you are deployed. Cut your losses.

[tom670]

You just got married in february?

Get an annulment and see a lawyer to make sure you don't have 18 years of child support.

Get on this asap.

[bubbaganoosh]

After what she told you, why would you want to spend another minuet with her?

 

She's lied to you and cheated. Had sex in your home in your bed and now she's carrying another mans child.

 

The only thing she's worried about is losing her job because she couldn't keep her knees together and her pants up and this guy made her feel alive while you in a war zone trying to stay alive.

 

Look. There comes a point in time when you have to throw the towel in and call the fight.

 

Get yourself a lawyer, file and keep a clear head which your going to need over there.

 

She's proven to you that she can't be faithful and she didn't even give you the courtesy of not only bringing another man in your bed but not using protection and now she's pregnant.

 

Friend, move on a quick as possible and get her out of your life because if you don't, your going to have many years of trouble and heartache.

[TheBladeRunner]

You just got married in february?

Get an annulment and see a lawyer to make sure you don't have 18 years of child support.

Get on this asap.

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Yes, this! Get outa' there soldier, get outa' there now! Have you talked to a chaplain yet? He may be able to help get you home to take care of your business. Given the fact that YOUR son is NOT hers I would get this squared away quick. Tom is right, divorce while it is still short term, you don't want to have to pay for ANY of her BS. Sorry to be harsh, but I was in the service too many years ago and have seen my buddies go through this. Any woman that pulls crap like this on their deployed husband that is in a hot zone is a selfish witch. Thanks for your service and stay safe!

[Madman81]

I'll add my voice to the chorus. Get out of this stillborn pseudo-marriage NOW.

 

You have no children together, and probably not much in the way of shared assets. Getting out is never going to be as "easy" (read: uncomplicated) as it is right now. And it won't ever be this easy again.

 

I have no doubt that being married to an active duty soldier is hard on the spouses left at home. But she's presumably known for a long time that the reality of being married to you is that you'll have to go overseas for months at a time on deployments, so there's only so far the whole "it's hard on her" argument goes. She knew what she was getting into.

 

Her getting an abortion is a short term solution only. It doesn't address the crippling body blow that she dealt to your three-month-old marriage by betraying you in the worst possible way. Plus if she gets the abortion and you stay with her, she's going to resent you for years to come -- even though this whole godawful shytty mess is completely her fault.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm going to leave you with something I heard a judge say in court to a litigant whose testimony had just been shown to be completely false but who was nonetheless insisting on sticking to his story:

 

"Sir, there's an old Navajo saying: when the horse is dead, it's a good time to climb off."

[No Limit]

She's not trustworthy and would have gladly continued her affair if it wasn't for the pregnancy. And now she's willing to kill as well.

She's just scared, she's not in love. Get out of this sham of a marriage as fast as you can!

[Art_Critic]

get a lawyer....

 

Depends on the state but :

The husband is presumed to be the father of a child born during or after his marriage to the mother. In some states, there is an irrefutable presumption of paternity. This means that if a child is born during the marriage, you will be deemed the father, even if a DNA later says otherwise. Other states do allow you to rebut, or challenge, paternity if you comply within strict time limits to challenge paternity. If you consent to your divorce being finalized without contesting paternity, you will forever be deemed the father. This presumption cannot be rebutted, even if you didn't have reason to believe the child was not yours. Once a judgment or order decrees that you are the father of a child, challenging the judgment with an appeal or motion, even on grounds like fraud , is very time sensitive and difficult.

[daisydook]

Get yourself on the first Nope Train to F*ckthatville!

 

Dude, she married you 3-4 months ago and she is already pregnant with someone elses child??????????? Enough said.

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude. Not looking too good. You need to get a divorce. If she goes through with the abortion, she will always resent you for FORCING her to terminate her pregnancy. You can't win. She'll be hurt and want to finger the blame on you. That this is YOUR fault (as weird as it may seem to you, you're going to get blamed for this). So, sooner or later this marriage is more than likely end up in divorce.

 

Question is sooner or later? Which would you rather have.

[pioneer]

Get rid of this woman out of your life. She is a cheat, and a unforgivable liar. Never in a million years would you be able to put it behind you, i know i couldnt. The fact you have even asked for advice on here shows deep down, you know you could never recover from it.

 

As difficult as it will be, cast her out of you life, take time to recover and find someone else. Otherwise you will be wasting time and putting yourself though a lot more pain in the long run.

 

Theres so many other people out there, no one should ever put up with that kind of ****.

[iiiii]

I'm so sorry, but I have to agree that you deserve better than this woman.

 

Who cheats on their husband less than 6 months into their marriage?

[twosadthings]

The weight of an abortion will forever haunt the both of you and be the millstone around your necks if you try to go forward in your marriage.

 

 

I don't give advice but my suggestion is to divorce her and let her make the decision to keep and raise her child on her own. The two of you don't have a long history either before or after your marriage. She has shown what she is about and it's too bad you didn't understand her nature before you married her. My last suggestion is to try to get an annulment/dissolution of marriage process begun now or sooner than later and plan for the rest of your life without her.

 

 

Good luck to you and keep your wits about you and your head down,

 

 

Twosadthings

[pink_sugar]

As much as I'm committed to my relationship the biggest deal breaker for me is if my husband cheated and knocked up someone else. Cheating once is borderline, I'd MAYBE try and work it out, but I cannot say for sure. But getting someone else pregnant is an absolute deal breaker for me, abortion or no. I'd be serving him divorce papers right away.

[lambthatbecamealion]

I thank everyone for there advice suggestions and stories. I talked to her about what was said on here and she and I are moving forward with the divorce. She hates me now, but she will understand later on that this is the best choice. I will be doing what I can for her while we go through this process, especially to keep her stress and anxiety down to a minimum. Thank you again.

[Realist3]

Wish you the best. Thank you for your service. Sorry you are having to deal with this on top of the stresses you are dealing with in Afghanistan.

[MuscleCarFan]

As much as I'm committed to my relationship the biggest deal breaker for me is if my husband cheated and knocked up someone else. Cheating once is borderline, I'd MAYBE try and work it out, but I cannot say for sure. But getting someone else pregnant is an absolute deal breaker for me, abortion or no. I'd be serving him divorce papers right away.

 

You don't need to worry about that.

 

In any case... OP, you should run for the hills. You haven't been married very long amd she already cheated on you and got pregnant with some other dude's kid?! Sorry, but she deserves the boot. There's no way I wiuld put up with that BS.

[harrybrown]

Did she ever quit partying with the OM?

 

Did you ask her what kind of boy cheats with a soldier's wife, while he is in the war zone?

 

Glad you are getting her out of your life. Make sure that your family knows the baby is not yours.

 

Stay safe.

[Raven3321]

As someone who had a similar experience at about your age, I concur that you're going the right direction. The reason is not just because of what she's done. The way she did it strongly indicates horrible boundaries and the almost certain possibility she'll do it again.

 

 

There are women who get infatuated with a guy and end up sleeping with him. I get that. However, she slept with him over and over again.....within months of getting married. And from your account of events, doesn't appear to be that upset about it. Had she been horrified at what she'd done and told you after the first time, I would say forgive her and see if you can reconcile. But this isn't the case.

 

 

Anyway, divorce is what I would recommend too. However, in case you ever second guess if you're doing the right thing, let me tell you that you are saving yourself a lifetime of pain by divorcing her. Oh, by the way. All women are not like this....in fact most aren't. You'll miss her certainly, but you'll find someone else eventually. Just look forward to that.

 

 

And as someone else mentioned before me, thank you for your service.

[I.AM.FURY]

I registered just to post this comment:

 

For God's sake, plead with her NOT to have the abortion.

 

The affair is probably the biggest mistake she has ever made. The abortion will be a mistake of colossal proportions.

 

The unborn child is pleading to live. It's not his (or her) fault that he was conceived in such a manner.

 

SHE MUST NOT DO THIS. IT CAN'T BE UNDONE.

 

Saying that she "can't put the child up for adoption" is an act of ultimate selfishness.

 

SHE MUST NOT DO THIS.

[tom670]

Sadly it is her choice whether to abort or not and really she should be talking to the neighbor who knocked her up.

She will probably abort because she is selfish and doesn't want to get fired because of the UCMJ.

[I.AM.FURY]

I'm a former Marine, so I understand the UCMJ.

 

However, my greater concern is for this man's soul, and the life of the unborn. All he can do is to urge his wife not to abort the child. If he does this to the best of his ability, he will be able to look himself in the eye for the rest of his life.

 

Pragmatically speaking, it IS ultimately her choice.

 

In my opinion, she should never speak to the OM as long as she lives. If she has the child, however, that does make things messy with regards to contact.

 

Good God, what a mess infidelity makes.

 

But again, the life of the unborn trumps all other considerations.

 

Yes, I have very strong opinions, and if someone doesn't like what I'm saying, that's TOO BAD.