Any other wayward wives here?

[dezzi]

I am in my early thirties and have been married for ten years and dated on and off for five years before that. Not always serious but I have known my husband since grade 9 when he moved to my area. He is a good husband and friend and we rarely have any serious fights. No kids for us and no plans for any. I am not against being a parent or anything just not into that whole scene. We both work at good jobs but I make a significant amount more than him only because he lost his job during the recession and had to start over and my job remained secure so I continued on with promotions.

 

I wasn't looking for an affair. I always assumed that affairs were for people who were unhappy in their marriage or who met someone that was a better fit but had a hard time with pulling the plug on their marriage. This man I met taught me otherwise. Affairs can add a lot extra spice to your life and relieve a lot of stress. They don't have to be a big emotional investment. The sex is fantastic and adds a lot of variety to your life. He taught me how to be careful without appearing paranoid and that protection must always be used. I really see that it would be the accidental discovery of my affair that would hurt my husband and not the actual affair itself. So I make sure to keep my dark side away from and under control. My husband is happy and I am happy. If he were to discover my affair by chance my MM and I have a plan firmly in place. I throw him under the bus and he throws me. I hope my husband doesn't find out though. Once a long time ago he told me when we discussed a friend's confession of cheating that he would rather I swallowed my guilt and did not tell him. So I know when I am done with this lifestyle I will not be telling him.

 

Are there any other wives or husbands here in the same place? Are you enjoying a FWB relationship and your marriage? For me this has been going on for around 6 months but I met MM over a year ago and the friendship started soon after I met him.

Edited June 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Realist3]

Are there any other wives or husbands here in the same place? Are you enjoying a FWB relationship and your marriage? For me this has been going on for around 6 months but I met MM over a year ago and the friendship started soon after I met him.

 

Yes, but mine is full blown PA and EA. Yes, for over 4.5 years. What are your questions?

Edited June 3, 2014 by Realist3

[dezzi]

Yes, but mine is full blown PA and EA. Yes, for over 4.5 years. What are your questions?

 

No questions really at this time for myself. MM and I have a rule we cannot tell anyone IRL so there are times I wish I had somewhere to share good and bad things that happen. And to hear the good and the bad from others in similar situations. I do not consider this an EA for me but I think others may disagree as EA has different definitions while PA is obvious. We are friends and we do talk but for us it really isn't a romantic soul mate love. KWIM?

 

I will ask for this post to be moved for me. Do you mind telling me a little about your story? How long have you been having an affair and have you ever had a DDay?

[Sub]

Affairs can add a lot extra spice to your life and relieve a lot of stress. They don't have to be a big emotional investment.

 

I hope you don't mind a comment from a BS, but parts of your story sound very similar to my W - wasn't looking for an A....it was pretty much sexual....etc. I obviously don't know you, but given what I've heard from her and from reading other people's stories, not getting emotionally involved is a very tricky thing. It just seems to never start that way. How it ends tends to be different.

[Lucygolds]

I am WW or an ExWW I guess. My A ended about 5/6 weeks ago because his W discovered it. I have no doubt it would still be going on if not. Mine was an EA and PA. No FWB here....

[Owl]

My only advice to you is to bear in mind that most people don't ever expect to be caught...but usually are found out at some point. Having that plan in place is smart...but I'm curious if you're EMOTIONALLY prepared for that eventuality? Have you given thought to how you'll handle your husband's emotional devestation as a result? Do you have a plan for what steps you'll need to take to try to save your marriage when he does learn of what's gone on? How you'll handle his questions, how you'll deal with his emotional reaction to it all?

 

It's good to have a plan. Better to have a backup plan as well...and a third line plan loosely in place too.

Edited June 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I am an xWW, was in an EA so I have a feeling my input isn't helpful.

[Buckeye2]

I obviously don't know you, but given what I've heard from her and from reading other people's stories, not getting emotionally involved is a very tricky thing. It just seems to never start that way. How it ends tends to be different.

 

OP, While your position seems very advantageous and logical if no one finds out, the above is true.

 

Also married sex has a hard time competing with affair sex. Over time your spouse can't help but diminish in your eyes. It’s like going on vacation to a great place. Over time home can't help but suck in comparison.

[atreides]

I am in my early thirties and have been married for ten years and dated on and off for five years before that. Not always serious but I have known my husband since grade 9 when he moved to my area. He is a good husband and friend and we rarely have any serious fights. No kids for us and no plans for any. I am not against being a parent or anything just not into that whole scene. We both work at good jobs but I make a significant amount more than him only because he lost his job during the recession and had to start over and my job remained secure so I continued on with promotions.

 

I wasn't looking for an affair. I always assumed that affairs were for people who were unhappy in their marriage or who met someone that was a better fit but had a hard time with pulling the plug on their marriage. This man I met taught me otherwise. Affairs can add a lot extra spice to your life and relieve a lot of stress. They don't have to be a big emotional investment. The sex is fantastic and adds a lot of variety to your life. He taught me how to be careful without appearing paranoid and that protection must always be used. I really see that it would be the accidental discovery of my affair that would hurt my husband and not the actual affair itself. So I make sure to keep my dark side away from and under control. My husband is happy and I am happy. If he were to discover my affair by chance my MM and I have a plan firmly in place. I throw him under the bus and he throws me. I hope my husband doesn't find out though. Once a long time ago he told me when we discussed a friend's confession of cheating that he would rather I swallowed my guilt and did not tell him. So I know when I am done with this lifestyle I will not be telling him.

 

 

this sounds like a brand spanking new contrived brochure for a new and improved lifestyle until "done" with of course. If i did not know better, i would think this is vacation to a VIP private all inclusive resort; but, remember kids always practice safe sex.

 

Only one problem i see with this brochure, how can it be fun and exciting while as you say OP to paraphrase, "swallow your guilt?"

Edited June 3, 2014 by atreides

[2sunny]

No questions really at this time for myself. MM and I have a rule we cannot tell anyone IRL so there are times I wish I had somewhere to share good and bad things that happen. And to hear the good and the bad from others in similar situations. I do not consider this an EA for me but I think others may disagree as EA has different definitions while PA is obvious. We are friends and we do talk but for us it really isn't a romantic soul mate love. KWIM?

 

I will ask for this post to be moved for me. Do you mind telling me a little about your story? How long have you been having an affair and have you ever had a DDay?

 

 

You sound oddly "removed" emotionally from living.

 

It reads as though you're referring to someone else - but it's actually you.

 

Is it easy for you to be emotionally distant?

[atreides]

You sound oddly "removed" emotionally from living.

 

It reads as though you're referring to someone else - but it's actually you.

 

Is it easy for you to be emotionally distant?

 

Exactly!!! That is why i used "brochure" in my post.

 

OP, perhaps give the same brochure to your husband, so he can go on vacation as well and then you would not need to "swallow your guilt"

[Popsicle]

If the OP were a man no one would question it.

[yogachic]

Are there any other wives or husbands here in the same place? Are you enjoying a FWB relationship and your marriage? For me this has been going on for around 6 months but I met MM over a year ago and the friendship started soon after I met him.

 

I am a MW having an A with a MM. I have not really told 'my story' on here. We met about a year and half ago but parted ways about a month after. We started back up about 8 months ago. The reality is - is that he has actually been 'there' with me during some major changes in my life. Neither of us plan on leaving our families but very much enjoy the strong connection (emotionally and physically) we feel together.

[harrybrown]

you are having fun.

 

I am sure you make sure about stds.

 

get checked so you do not give one to your H.

 

But let your H have some fun.

 

Tell him you have an open marriage, so that he gets the fun also.

 

He could spend time with your OM's wife.

 

of course that way every wins , right?

 

Why not let him out of keeping his vows? let him have fun.

 

Of course, you would not deny your H some fun with you like some do would you, because you identify with your OM and would not cut him off from the fun, just your H right?

 

you would not build walls to protect your A and become distant to your H would you?

 

However, you do build the wall, because you have a secret to keep from the H. And your loyalty is to the OM, because you are cheating on your H.

 

So your H is your backup plan.

 

how would you feel if your H had the affair? Would you be happy for him?

 

Do not have your H get another OW on the side, because she could get upset and tell your H, just like she did to my wife.

 

My wife could not believe that her OM would lie to her and cheat on her and his wife.

 

It came tumbling down when the other OW got jealous and sent me information. I did not believe it at first.

 

oh well it did not hurt anyone, just 35 years of marriage shot to hell.

 

The only person that got hurt was me. But that is okay, because I do not trust anyone, and I kept asking my wife what was wrong, she was so distant.

 

But I did better than my friend.

 

He found out when she wife gave him stds. But you will be okay, you use protection every time.

 

 

Good luck to your H. It will destroy him when he finds out.

[dezzi]

I hope you don't mind a comment from a BS, but parts of your story sound very similar to my W - wasn't looking for an A....it was pretty much sexual....etc. I obviously don't know you, but given what I've heard from her and from reading other people's stories, not getting emotionally involved is a very tricky thing. It just seems to never start that way. How it ends tends to be different.

 

No, I don't mind any comments. My intent in posting was to find individuals who find themselves in a similar circumstance. But that doesn't mean I don't like to hear from everyone. I wouldn't say I am NOT emotionally involved after all I do have feelings and emotions. But I am not "in love" with my MM. He is a good friend and we do have sex but there are no plans for more than that. I don't day dream about him and I running away together at all.

 

If you don't mind me asking did you stay married to your W. You don't refer to her as an ex wife so that is why I asked. And do you feel you have forgiven her?

[dezzi]

I am WW or an ExWW I guess. My A ended about 5/6 weeks ago because his W discovered it. I have no doubt it would still be going on if not. Mine was an EA and PA. No FWB here....

 

 

(((Lucygolds))) I am sorry you went through that. It must be like a break up your not allowed to mourn over but have to silently suffer.

[dezzi]

My only advice to you is to bear in mind that most people don't ever expect to be caught...but usually are found out at some point.

While I do believe anyone can be caught I do know a lot of affairs do go undiscovered. I am of course hoping mine will be one of those. I realize that may not be my reality.

Having that plan in place is smart...but I'm curious if you're EMOTIONALLY prepared for that eventuality?

I don't know if we can every be fully emotionally prepared for an even until it happens. As far as my relationship with xMM I would say that it will be over. And to be completely honest I will miss him as a friend but I will probably miss the "affair" more than him if I miss anything.

 

Have you given thought to how you'll handle your husband's emotional devestation as a result?

Give him space and keep my mouth shut if that is what he wants. Or be there with him if he prefers.

Do you have a plan for what steps you'll need to take to try to save your marriage when he does learn of what's gone on?

if he finds out I plan to do whatever it takes or whatever he wants. But if he wants me to leave then I will.

How you'll handle his questions, how you'll deal with his emotional reaction to it all?

My plan is to tell him everything and do my best to assure him this is all on me and my choice to cheat. Barring violence which I have no fear of I will accept whatever reaction he has.

 

It's good to have a plan. Better to have a backup plan as well...and a third line plan loosely in place too.

I always over think things and have plans. But I also know the best laid plans don't always work when the crap hits the fan.

[dezzi]

I am an xWW, was in an EA so I have a feeling my input isn't helpful.

 

No, it would be. I am glad to see posters who I can go read their story. You come to this huge board and you don't know who is who. I guess your name give it away though;). Still, I am sure you have plenty of valuable advice and lots to offer.

[dezzi]

OP, While your position seems very advantageous and logical if no one finds out, the above is true.

 

Also married sex has a hard time competing with affair sex. Over time your spouse can't help but diminish in your eyes. It’s like going on vacation to a great place. Over time home can't help but suck in comparison.

 

I am sure this may be very true in many cases or even most as of yet sex with my husband is still fantastic and I still very much enjoy his company. What can I say? I love sex. And I am one of those people who goes on vacation and then enjoys home all the more!

[dezzi]

this sounds like a brand spanking new contrived brochure for a new and improved lifestyle until "done" with of course. If i did not know better, i would think this is vacation to a VIP private all inclusive resort; but, remember kids always practice safe sex.

 

Only one problem i see with this brochure, how can it be fun and exciting while as you say OP to paraphrase, "swallow your guilt?"

 

I am not sure why you underlined the part about us choosing a child free lifestyle. I think I do make it sound like a brochure now that you mention it. But you have to understand MM has opened my eyes to a lot of this. I have no crippling guilt. I am sure if my affair were to be discovered I would have more than enough guilt to deal with then.

 

This lifestyle is not for everyone. And if anyone were on the brink of an affair I would caution them heavily to be honest about what they want and if they should embark on such a path. I am not here to promote it but rather to seek others already in it like me. A place I can share, vent and learn.

[dezzi]

You sound oddly "removed" emotionally from living.

 

It reads as though you're referring to someone else - but it's actually you.

 

Is it easy for you to be emotionally distant?

 

I am not much of a writer and have trouble conveying feelings with words. I do not think I am emotionally distant but I can see how I may be viewed by readers on here as so. I just have a different view of things. A difference of opinion really.

[dezzi]

Exactly!!! That is why i used "brochure" in my post.

 

OP, perhaps give the same brochure to your husband, so he can go on vacation as well and then you would not need to "swallow your guilt"

 

The "swallow my guilt comment" was if I ever felt the urge to confess. People usually confess to alleviate guilt and my husband would prefer should that time come that I swallow it.

[dezzi]

If the OP were a man no one would question it.

 

I don't fully agree with this. At least not the people I know in real life or the few posts I have read today here. Cheating men are looked down upon just as much as women. If you live in a place where women are judged more harshly than men. And I know it does happen then I am sorry for you. I usually just ignore the few people I have every came across who have that mindset.

[dezzi]

I am a MW having an A with a MM. I have not really told 'my story' on here. We met about a year and half ago but parted ways about a month after. We started back up about 8 months ago. The reality is - is that he has actually been 'there' with me during some major changes in my life. Neither of us plan on leaving our families but very much enjoy the strong connection (emotionally and physically) we feel together.

 

Do you love your spouse? Do you feel you will get caught? Do you feel like me that the pain is in the discovery so as long as it remains between you and your AP no one gets hurt (or at least no innocent parties)?

[dezzi]

you are having fun.

 

I do have fun with my husband and my MM.

 

I am sure you make sure about stds.

 

get checked so you do not give one to your H.

done and done.

 

But let your H have some fun.

 

Tell him you have an open marriage, so that he gets the fun also.

a couple we know recently opened their marriage up. I used that opportunity to ask my H if he would be willing to do so. He told me it was not something he would be interested in. I don't believe he is cheating himself but I wouldn't be angry if he was. How could I be? I would completely understand why he didn't tell me and instead protected me from that side of him.

He could spend time with your OM's wife.

 

of course that way every wins , right?

 

He doesn't like her. Finds her annoying but is polite.

 

Why not let him out of keeping his vows? let him have fun.

I don't have to let him do anything. He is his own boss. I have offered threesomes and the like but that is not his interest. He enjoys what we have now so that is how we live and I really don't mind that. It is a good life. People break their marriage vows all the time. The most common one to break is "til death". You don't even need a cause for divorce anymore.

 

Of course, you would not deny your H some fun with you like some do would you, because you identify with your OM and would not cut him off from the fun, just your H right?

I don't actually understand what you mean here or what you are trying to say?

 

you would not build walls to protect your A and become distant to your H would you?

haven't yet. I don't protect my A from my H. I protect my H from my A. If something had to go it would be the A. No question.

 

However, you do build the wall, because you have a secret to keep from the H. And your loyalty is to the OM, because you are cheating on your H.

This is a very valid POV to have but I do not feel the same way. I have a secret but it is a secret that would hurt my husband if he knew. My MM knows this secret but he doesn't know all the things about me my H does.

So your H is your backup plan.

 

This I disagree with. I am with my H now and for as long as I can see into the future. Not all affairs are the main dish. I wouldn't even say MM is my back up plan because if the A came out and both our spouses left us at this point I would not pursue a romantic relationship with MM.

 

how would you feel if your H had the affair? Would you be happy for him?

I would wish he had taken the offer of an open marriage and would feel because he didn't he had a double standard. But if he had a good reason behind not opening up the marriage then or if the A started after and he hadn't found a good time to bring it up I would understand.

 

Do not have your H get another OW on the side, because she could get upset and tell your H, just like she did to my wife.

Do you mean do not let my MM get another OW? He can do what he wants. But as we both feel caution is important as far as I know he only has me on the side. But that is why we get tested to cover all our bases. He could get something from another OW or his wife could get something. Safe sex is just a good idea.

My wife could not believe that her OM would lie to her and cheat on her and his wife.

I think perhaps she was infatuated? It clouds your judgement. I would be impressed MM could manage more than one OW, a wife, a teenage daughter and two younger kids.

It came tumbling down when the other OW got jealous and sent me information. I did not believe it at first.

 

oh well it did not hurt anyone, just 35 years of marriage shot to hell.

 

The only person that got hurt was me. But that is okay, because I do not trust anyone, and I kept asking my wife what was wrong, she was so distant.

That OW did the wrong thing. She hurt the wrong person and that is why revenge or whatever is never a good idea. I am sorry you got hurt. Apparently your wife did not handle being in an affair well. I hope she is your ex now unless she is being a better wife now.

 

But I did better than my friend.

 

He found out when she wife gave him stds. But you will be okay, you use protection every time.

So far I have and no plans to skip it.

Good luck to your H. It will destroy him when he finds out.

It will hurt him if he finds out. That is why I am making damn sure he doesn't.