Any other wayward wives here?

[whichwayisup]

a couple we know recently opened their marriage up. I used that opportunity to ask my H if he would be willing to do so. He told me it was not something he would be interested in.

 

This is a red flag to him. A spouse that asks for an open marriage should make the other stop and think.

 

It will hurt him if he finds out. That is why I am making damn sure he doesn't.

 

Not only will the affair itself be hurtful for your husband, it'll also be the lengths you've gone to make sure he doesn't find out. Continually lying and deceiving him, pretending and basically living a double life for selfishness. Sorry to be blunt there, but his whole world will be turned upside down when he finds out. And he will eventually figure it out.

[atreides]

I have taken quotes from your various responses to try and keep an orderly response.

 

While I do believe anyone can be caught I do know a lot of affairs do go undiscovered. I am of course hoping mine will be one of those. I realize that may not be my reality.

 

I don't know if we can every be fully emotionally prepared for an even until it happens. As far as my relationship with xMM I would say that it will be over. And to be completely honest I will miss him as a friend but I will probably miss the "affair" more than him if I miss anything.

 

because if the A came out and both our spouses left us at this point I would not pursue a romantic relationship with MM

 

You are careful with your words as you would miss the affair more than the MM. What I take from your responses is that this “affair” is more of a sexual toy as in the MM is an interchangeable variable but sex under the conditions of the “affair” is exciting. What if your MM’s spouse did not leave him, because you said “both spouses” would you continue the A for at least his side of it?

 

This leads me to your other posts:

 

a couple we know recently opened their marriage up. I used that opportunity to ask my H if he would be willing to do so. He told me it was not something he would be interested in….

 

I have offered threesomes and the like but that is not his interest

 

So now we have context, you asked for an open marriage. Is the male of this “couple we know recently opened their marriage up” your MM? Or did you ask before meeting your MM?

 

It is clear that you are much more sexually adventurous than your H, not a bad thing to be; but, as with an open marriage by cheating you are insulting that lifestyle, which exists by 100% transparent open communication, an agreement or commitment that is respected and not cheated.

That said, it is clear your husband does not agree with such a lifestyle or even from your side of the story, engage in more sexual discoveries you asked of him.

 

However, with what you stated I find it difficult that you are being completely honest with yourself when you say

 

as of yet sex with my husband is still fantastic and I still very much enjoy his company….. What can I say? I love sex.

 

 

Interestingly enough you left off “love” in regards to your response about your husband but not with sex which, in my opinion strengthens my “sexual toy” statement and diminishes or calls into question other quotes you have written, again in my opinion

 

I would wish he had taken the offer of an open marriage and would feel because he didn't he had a double standard. But if he had a good reason behind not opening up the marriage then or if the A started after and he hadn't found a good time to bring it up I would understand.

 

 

So this begs the question as another way of looking at it, that perhaps your open marriage or 3some request is to help you with your guilt as in giving your husband what you think he would like sexually so that it makes your “vacation” have a little less guilt? Perhaps or it is more of what I wrote first off, or maybe not even close. But for the context at hand, it had to be asked.

 

 

 

So to your husband and what I mean by “diminishes.”

 

 

 

Give him space and keep my mouth shut if that is what he wants. Or be there with him if he prefers.

 

if he finds out I plan to do whatever it takes or whatever he wants. But if he wants me to leave then I will.

 

My plan is to tell him everything and do my best to assure him this is all on me and my choice to cheat. Barring violence which I have no fear of I will accept whatever reaction he has.

 

 

 

Why? I don’t get it? What context are we missing? Why not just end your “agreed commitment” since “vows” have little respect from one of your posts, regardless you gave your word, that what defines you the most of identity, the part that can be counted on if you will. Short of missing the part or what has not been stated as of yet, that you have an agreed “roommate with benefits” relationship, why is the sex that you “love” under your full proof calculated risk model not worth the tradeoff of your husband? I mean why cheat yourself, forget your husband for this context as in you can truly find a man with the “company” you can enjoy and have an open relationship? Or another way to say it, is that you are cheating yourself out of what could be beyond how far “your eyes have been opened” by having sex without the pretense of lies and secrecy and how far you have to go to keep it a secret or does that help fuel your sexual needs and thus the affair?

 

I am with my H now and for as long as I can see into the future. Not all affairs are the main dish.

 

Why? You clearly have no emotional connection to your MM at this point but I am not convinced it is there for your husband either? So again this barring missing context leads me to my statements regarding the opportunity cost you create with staying married vs the sex. You are willing to go to great lengths to keep a secret and in the process of such you lose out on other things for the time, not obvious to you yet and energy you put into the keeping the affair/lie going but not be true to yourself and as an honest person to your H to allow you to have the lifestyle you want without such deceit and secrecy.

 

I am not sure why you underlined the part about us choosing a child free lifestyle. I think I do make it sound like a brochure now that you mention it. But you have to understand MM has opened my eyes to a lot of this. I have no crippling guilt. I am sure if my affair were to be discovered I would have more than enough guilt to deal with then.

 

Why do you have guilt? You have broken no vow right? What is the guilt based on? I am trying to get a sense of worth for the tradeoffs and opportunity costs you have chosen which have no emotional investment but are for sexual needs.

 

I underlined “done” in regards to “lifestyle” from “So I know when I am done with this lifestyle I will not be telling him” I have no issue with you not having kids.

 

This lifestyle is not for everyone. And if anyone were on the brink of an affair I would caution them heavily to be honest about what they want and if they should embark on such a path. I am not here to promote it but rather to seek others already in it like me. A place I can share, vent and learn.

 

Vent?

 

 

 

This is a very valid POV to have but I do not feel the same way. I have a secret but it is a secret that would hurt my husband if he knew.

 

No, keeping this a secret is about you and nothing to do with your husband, the damage is already done. You are hurting yourself more so, but it is not as obvious yet. I am not talking about karma or something divine, but you used the words guilt and your secrecy and the lengths you are going to keep this affair is enough to say so.

[DKT3]

In the words of Boxer Mike Tyson "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth"

 

I've thought about your post and the one thing that sticks out to me as a BH is when you say "he (husband) is happy with what we got". This is were the problem is, he doesn't know what you guys have, he is under the impression that he has a loyal faithful wife who would never do anything to hurt him. Is that what he has?

 

I too was happy with what I thought I had, like you my ex WW didn't have a deep emotional connect with the OM. But her A wasn't sexually driven, it was an attention thing and having someone as my sub since I traveled so much for work. She too was very careful the problem is over time she became distant out of fear that she would say the wrong things around me, or because, as she later explained "I felt disgusted with what I was doing and couldn't stand face you"

 

I think the bigger issue here is a templet has been set, even if this A ends with this OM I believe you would quickly find yourself in another.

[gettingstronger]

I agree with the above- the crux of this is that your husband does not know and if you "get away with it" you will probably repeat the pattern-its unfair to your husband-so guilt or not, he should know the truth of his life-only then will you know if you are without guilt or if you are just in denial- best of luck to you and your family-

[A.Moscote]

...I don't protect my A from my H. I protect my H from my A.

 

^^^^^^ This is so true, other people can't understand.

 

That's nice of you.. lucky husband he is. Many of us here are also protecting our partner now, hopefully for life. Thanks for sharing stories and tips.

 

I feel a bit sad for him for not taking up your offer on finding himself another woman. Though it can be understood why, he has never experience the bliss of having several lovers.

 

Just remember your plan and priority when anything bad happen. For now however, may we all cruise on ahead and happy.

Good luck and be careful.

[Sub]

If you don't mind me asking did you stay married to your W. You don't refer to her as an ex wife so that is why I asked. And do you feel you have forgiven her?

 

We did reconcile, yes. Her "strictly sex" A evolved into an EA/Exit A. Things weren't great with us, the OM presented her with an option to leave, and she was willing to take it. That's the short of it. We also have a son, which made it more complicated than your situation, IMO.

 

I don't feel I've forgiven her. I'm not sure I even know what that would entail. I/We have just decided to focus on moving forward together. The foundation of our relationship was strong, about 17 years at the time of her A. Plus a wonderful son. We re-build off of that.

 

In regards to your situation, I don't really see why you would stay married to your H. If it is discovered, the plan of "just do what he wants" won't really satisfy your own needs/desires. I could see you resenting him over time for what you would see as limitations on your own happiness. Just my two cents.

[jackslife]

I'm a WH and have been having an affair for two years. It started off as a just sex and fun and became a full on emotional affair. It is now coming to end. The OW is now single and wants me all the time or not at all. I have opted to stay with my wife but that doesn't make it easier.

 

How do I feel now? Devastated! Like I've been dumped, but with no one to confide in.

 

As you spend more time with the MM you will bond physically and emotionally more with him. You will then physically and emotionally drift from your husband.

 

The longer it goes on, the harder it becomes to let go. There are plenty of BH and BW on here to give their side of the story. So I won't elaborate on them.

 

My affair was fun for 18 months, but for the last 6 has been an emotional roller coaster ride and is now coming to a painful conclusion.

 

If you can pull it off then good luck to you. Enjoy it now, but be prepared there will be a price to pay at the end. Be it a divorce, or being dumped by the MM or maybe the pain and loss of a love affair coming to an end.

[Got it]

I was a MOW. We met through our industry. I was unhappy in my marriage and already planning on leaving. The affair started and I left a few weeks later. He was married, he left about a year later. We are married now.

 

I recognized that the/an affair is like Russian Roulette, it isn't if but when it will explode so the longer it goes the more likely that will happen. I knew to cheat meant I was done with the marriage. For my husband, after finding out about his ex's affair he was not reconciled but in limbo. He was going to wait till the kids graduated high school and then divorced.

 

We came to an agreement on a timeline but I was not interested in the affair being a lifestyle choice for me. I was in it for him but was not going to do it longer than a year.

[dezzi]

This is a red flag to him. A spouse that asks for an open marriage should make the other stop and think.

I disagree. My husband and I have had very candid and open discussions throughout our marriage. When our friends opened their marriage they went very public with it. They didn't want people to suspect infidelity if/when we saw them with other people. This sparked a discussion between us that was quite natural. I did not ask him for an open marriage. We discussed it and he said it wasn't something he felt he wanted.

 

 

Not only will the affair itself be hurtful for your husband, it'll also be the lengths you've gone to make sure he doesn't find out. Continually lying and deceiving him, pretending and basically living a double life for selfishness. Sorry to be blunt there, but his whole world will be turned upside down when he finds out. And he will eventually figure it out.

I disagree here. As long as he does not know about the affair and we continue having the wonderful relationship in our marriage we have the affair is not hurtful to him. The lengths I have gone to are not that elaborate. For six months I have managed to keep away from any outright lies. MM and do not meet everyday and we don't even communicate everyday. When the affair really is second to the marriage it is easier to keep control of it. No, H does not know about the affair but it is better that way for him. And you don't know that he will figure it out. You might hope he does or think he will based on the people who have been found out. But neither you or I know what my future hole and so there is no definitive answer on whether or not he finds out. Unless you can see the future. And if you can I would say cash in on that one!

[dezzi]

I have taken quotes from your various responses to try and keep an orderly response.

 

 

 

You are careful with your words as you would miss the affair more than the MM. What I take from your responses is that this “affair” is more of a sexual toy as in the MM is an interchangeable variable but sex under the conditions of the “affair” is exciting. What if your MM’s spouse did not leave him, because you said “both spouses” would you continue the A for at least his side of it?

That is a very interesting question. If my marriage ended and his did not I don't know if I would continue with him or not. I would plan to let any future men I date know that I would only be in an open marriage. If I became involved with someone who did not want me to have relations with MM and I still was I would end things with MM then. On the other hand I don't know if I would want to continue with MM. Right now it is easy but once she knew about me things would be far more messy. And depending on how hard she took the news it would seem to be just to much for a simple sexual relationship. So even as I type this I would probably say no, it would be over for me.

This leads me to your other posts:

 

 

 

So now we have context, you asked for an open marriage. Is the male of this “couple we know recently opened their marriage up” your MM? Or did you ask before meeting your MM?

It was only a few months ago we discussed an open marriage. It is not MM and his W but another couple.

It is clear that you are much more sexually adventurous than your H, not a bad thing to be; but, as with an open marriage by cheating you are insulting that lifestyle, which exists by 100% transparent open communication, an agreement or commitment that is respected and not cheated.

That said, it is clear your husband does not agree with such a lifestyle or even from your side of the story, engage in more sexual discoveries you asked of him.

My husband is not boring in bed, or the car, or the janitor's closet:o. We do a lot of different things. More than MM and I. There are things I do with my H that I will not do with MM and I plan to keep it that way. My husband doesn't want to add another person to our sex life. MM and I have talked about doing a couple threesomes but that would bring to much risk and require too much planning. As to insulting I lifestyle I got a chuckle from that. Lifestyles don't get insulted. People have such strange ideas. I am not in an open marriage. I am cheating on my husband.

 

However, with what you stated I find it difficult that you are being completely honest with yourself when you say

 

No, I'm not lying to myself. I know my feelings on the matter quite clearly and H is my first choice every time. There are people that can enjoy sex without comparing it to another person or even another time with the same person.

 

 

 

Interestingly enough you left off “love” in regards to your response about your husband but not with sex which, in my opinion strengthens my “sexual toy” statement and diminishes or calls into question other quotes you have written, again in my opinion

I love my husband very much but I have not felt the need to share that here. My posts are about my A and not my marriage. No desire to defend my definition of love and the fact that I know I love my husband even though others will disagree. And that is okay because they are not me and don't really know what I am feeling.

 

 

 

So this begs the question as another way of looking at it, that perhaps your open marriage or 3some request is to help you with your guilt as in giving your husband what you think he would like sexually so that it makes your “vacation” have a little less guilt? Perhaps or it is more of what I wrote first off, or maybe not even close. But for the context at hand, it had to be asked.

 

 

 

So to your husband and what I mean by “diminishes.”

The threesome request is because of course ideally my A would not be a secret. We would both be allowed to enjoy sex with others. That would be my first choice but as it isn't an option I am okay with that. If my H ever changes his mind then I will be all for that. But I still wouldn't tell him of my A. But as I really doubt that will happen I do not have any answers on how that will play out.

 

 

 

 

Why? I don’t get it? What context are we missing? Why not just end your “agreed commitment” since “vows” have little respect from one of your posts, regardless you gave your word, that what defines you the most of identity, the part that can be counted on if you will. Short of missing the part or what has not been stated as of yet, that you have an agreed “roommate with benefits” relationship, why is the sex that you “love” under your full proof calculated risk model not worth the tradeoff of your husband? I mean why cheat yourself, forget your husband for this context as in you can truly find a man with the “company” you can enjoy and have an open relationship? Or another way to say it, is that you are cheating yourself out of what could be beyond how far “your eyes have been opened” by having sex without the pretense of lies and secrecy and how far you have to go to keep it a secret or does that help fuel your sexual needs and thus the affair?

Why? I love my husband and I love my life with him. It is my first choice and that is why I don't go find someone else. Why "set him free" when he is happy with the life he has? Why put him through a divorce when no one knows if he will find out or not? That seems cruel to both of us. What if this is just a stage I am going through and tomorrow I wake up and end the affair and remain faithful for 50 more years? Years we spend together and look after one another but would lose because I decided he should be free. Yes, I broke a single vow. That won't change now but that doesn't mean I have to break the rest.

 

Why? You clearly have no emotional connection to your MM at this point but I am not convinced it is there for your husband either? So again this barring missing context leads me to my statements regarding the opportunity cost you create with staying married vs the sex. You are willing to go to great lengths to keep a secret and in the process of such you lose out on other things for the time, not obvious to you yet and energy you put into the keeping the affair/lie going but not be true to yourself and as an honest person to your H to allow you to have the lifestyle you want without such deceit and secrecy.

Very little energy is wasted on this A. It doesn't consume me daily and it energizes me more than anything. And I do have an emotional connection with my MM as we are friends. I am just not in love with him nor do I want a future with him. And I do love my H but at this time I have not felt a need to convince people on the internet that is true. My posts are about my A not my H.

 

 

 

Why do you have guilt? You have broken no vow right? What is the guilt based on? I am trying to get a sense of worth for the tradeoffs and opportunity costs you have chosen which have no emotional investment but are for sexual needs.

 

I underlined “done” in regards to “lifestyle” from “So I know when I am done with this lifestyle I will not be telling him” I have no issue with you not having kids.

 

I don't have guilt. At least none that makes this life hard for me. What I meant was the guilt would come if my husband discovered the A. Then he would be hurt and I would hate for that to happen. I have taken a big gamble on this but life is full of risks. We risk our lives and take it granted when we speed and we risk relationships. We just become unaware that we are doing it or we feel we will beat the odds. At this time the risk is H discovering the A and I believe the odds are in my favor.

 

 

Vent?

Sometimes MM can be a moron. It is nice to have a place where I can share that:p

 

 

 

 

 

No, keeping this a secret is about you and nothing to do with your husband, the damage is already done. You are hurting yourself more so, but it is not as obvious yet. I am not talking about karma or something divine, but you used the words guilt and your secrecy and the lengths you are going to keep this affair is enough to say so.

This is all your opinion and interpretation of what I wrote. I don't see where I described how I keep the A a secret nor did I say I feel overly guilty. And I disagree with the first part and i understand you will not understand it. The A isn't a secret to protect it but to protect my H. If the knowledge of my actions wouldn't hurt him I wouldn't be keeping it a secret.

[dezzi]

In the words of Boxer Mike Tyson "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth"

 

I've thought about your post and the one thing that sticks out to me as a BH is when you say "he (husband) is happy with what we got". This is were the problem is, he doesn't know what you guys have, he is under the impression that he has a loyal faithful wife who would never do anything to hurt him. Is that what he has?

 

I too was happy with what I thought I had, like you my ex WW didn't have a deep emotional connect with the OM. But her A wasn't sexually driven, it was an attention thing and having someone as my sub since I traveled so much for work. She too was very careful the problem is over time she became distant out of fear that she would say the wrong things around me, or because, as she later explained "I felt disgusted with what I was doing and couldn't stand face you"

 

I think the bigger issue here is a templet has been set, even if this A ends with this OM I believe you would quickly find yourself in another.

 

We have different opinions on this for sure shaped by our life experiences and perspectives. If I feel I am becoming distant from my H the affair will be over and I will try to regain lost ground. That just hasn't happened for me. I don't know if I would have another affair. Perhaps if the opportunity landed in my lap like this one. But I definitely wouldn't seek one out.

[dezzi]

I agree with the above- the crux of this is that your husband does not know and if you "get away with it" you will probably repeat the pattern-its unfair to your husband-so guilt or not, he should know the truth of his life-only then will you know if you are without guilt or if you are just in denial- best of luck to you and your family-

If my H is perfectly happy with his life and me as his wife how is it unfair? And what is more important his happiness or "fairness". Honesty isn't always the best policy.

[dezzi]

^^^^^^ This is so true, other people can't understand.

 

That's nice of you.. lucky husband he is. Many of us here are also protecting our partner now, hopefully for life. Thanks for sharing stories and tips.

 

I feel a bit sad for him for not taking up your offer on finding himself another woman. Though it can be understood why, he has never experience the bliss of having several lovers.

 

Just remember your plan and priority when anything bad happen. For now however, may we all cruise on ahead and happy.

Good luck and be careful.

Thank you for sharing your understanding. I think what people forget is that many things in life have no clear answer or can even be defined universally. All of us have our own experiences, opinions, POV, morals, and definitions of concepts. What is wrong to one person may not be wrong to the next. I do hope we all can continue to enjoy or lives whichever way it takes. And I hope those who have been betrayed can find happiness not dependent on a social constraint, their opinions or something else that can so easily be shaken.

[dezzi]

We did reconcile, yes. Her "strictly sex" A evolved into an EA/Exit A. Things weren't great with us, the OM presented her with an option to leave, and she was willing to take it. That's the short of it. We also have a son, which made it more complicated than your situation, IMO.

 

I don't feel I've forgiven her. I'm not sure I even know what that would entail. I/We have just decided to focus on moving forward together. The foundation of our relationship was strong, about 17 years at the time of her A. Plus a wonderful son. We re-build off of that.

 

In regards to your situation, I don't really see why you would stay married to your H. If it is discovered, the plan of "just do what he wants" won't really satisfy your own needs/desires. I could see you resenting him over time for what you would see as limitations on your own happiness. Just my two cents.

 

I hope you find happiness with your wife again. I know for me I was happy and content before my A and I am now. I believe I will be after. And yes, children do make it more complicated. MM is less happy with his wife but he has two kids with her and his own teenage daughter he had full time until recently. So for him the secret is to protect his children and for me the secret is to protect my H.

 

When I say "do what he wants" I mean if he wants to rebuild the marriage or part ways. I don't plan to become a slave to him:p. If he wants me to seek IC which I feel is more often than not a waste of time I will for him and I would of course do MC (less of a waste of time). If he wants to scream and break things I will hand him the plates for example.

[dezzi]

I'm a WH and have been having an affair for two years. It started off as a just sex and fun and became a full on emotional affair. It is now coming to end. The OW is now single and wants me all the time or not at all. I have opted to stay with my wife but that doesn't make it easier.

 

How do I feel now? Devastated! Like I've been dumped, but with no one to confide in.

 

As you spend more time with the MM you will bond physically and emotionally more with him. You will then physically and emotionally drift from your husband.

 

The longer it goes on, the harder it becomes to let go. There are plenty of BH and BW on here to give their side of the story. So I won't elaborate on them.

 

My affair was fun for 18 months, but for the last 6 has been an emotional roller coaster ride and is now coming to a painful conclusion.

 

If you can pull it off then good luck to you. Enjoy it now, but be prepared there will be a price to pay at the end. Be it a divorce, or being dumped by the MM or maybe the pain and loss of a love affair coming to an end.

 

Thank you for your insight and I am sorry you are in pain. At the first hint of wanting more from either of us the A is over to make sure this doesn't happen. We have even discussed taking a break at the year mark and see where we are at. If we desperately miss each other then the A is over but if still feel we could take it or leave it then we will keep on provided that is what we both want. I am determined not to have a love affair.

[dezzi]

I was a MOW. We met through our industry. I was unhappy in my marriage and already planning on leaving. The affair started and I left a few weeks later. He was married, he left about a year later. We are married now.

 

I recognized that the/an affair is like Russian Roulette, it isn't if but when it will explode so the longer it goes the more likely that will happen. I knew to cheat meant I was done with the marriage. For my husband, after finding out about his ex's affair he was not reconciled but in limbo. He was going to wait till the kids graduated high school and then divorced.

 

We came to an agreement on a timeline but I was not interested in the affair being a lifestyle choice for me. I was in it for him but was not going to do it longer than a year.

 

Your affair was much different than mine as you were done with your marriage but thank you for sharing. There is always a chance of discovery but I wouldn't say if you don't change your behavior the risk is greater. I would say it is still the same with always the chance there.

[twosadthings]

The usual question(s) for the cheating spouse is "Why"?, "What were you thinking"?, etc. Considering how blasé you are about the consequences of your husband finding out, the question I would ask if you lose your husband is "Was it worth it"?

 

 

If the answer is yes your marriage wasn't worth it. If the answer is no then you're behaving foolishly.

 

 

Just wonderin',

 

 

Twosadthings

[Sub]

..but if still feel we could take it or leave it then we will keep on provided that is what we both want. I am determined not to have a love affair.

 

Hmmmm...Interesting. So, if you could take it or leave it, why not just leave it and not risk the drama and pain that could ensue upon discovery? You're human beings, yet these if/then scenarios sound like something punched into a computer. Emotions can be unpredictable things to try to manage.

[jwi71]

I disagree. My husband and I have had very candid and open discussions throughout our marriage. When our friends opened their marriage they went very public with it. They didn't want people to suspect infidelity if/when we saw them with other people. This sparked a discussion between us that was quite natural. I did not ask him for an open marriage. We discussed it and he said it wasn't something he felt he wanted.

 

Did you come outright and say its what you wanted?

 

I disagree here. As long as he does not know about the affair and we continue having the wonderful relationship in our marriage we have the affair is not hurtful to him.

 

Woefully incorrect.

The MOST damage done by an A is in the lies and deceit.

And each little (or big) lie and deceit chips at some of the foundations of ANY R - namely trust and respect.

 

The longer you hide the A the more damage you do.

 

Its very much like saying cancer does no harm until its discovered...

 

The lengths I have gone to are not that elaborate.

 

How sad. Your H believes and trusts in you to this degree....

For six months I have managed to keep away from any outright lies.

 

Would you tell the truth or lie?

 

No, H does not know about the affair but it is better that way for him.

 

No, H does not know about the affair but it is better that way for me.

Fixed it for you - had the wrong pronoun. You don't tell because it suits him - it suits YOU.

 

And you don't know that he will figure it out. You might hope he does or think he will based on the people who have been found out. But neither you or I know what my future hole and so there is no definitive answer on whether or not he finds out.

 

So very true. No one knows what tomorrow will bring.

However, if we make an assumption that tomorrow will in fact come - and if we further assume that what we do and say now shapes tomorrow - what POSSIBLE futures are you incubating?

 

Might it not be better to eliminate any risks of a "bad outcomes" - and only, as reasonable as one might hop, have good ones?

 

Actually - what do you risk in this A of yours?

[dezzi]

The usual question(s) for the cheating spouse is "Why"?, "What were you thinking"?, etc. Considering how blasé you are about the consequences of your husband finding out, the question I would ask if you lose your husband is "Was it worth it"?

 

 

If the answer is yes your marriage wasn't worth it. If the answer is no then you're behaving foolishly.

 

 

Just wonderin',

 

 

Twosadthings

 

If I get caught I don't know if I will think it was "worth" it or not. It won't matter and that doesn't matter now. I have done what I have done and I cannot change it. Living a life full of regrets is no way to live. People become so bogged down by things they can't change (the past) or control (other people's behavior). I hope that I won't lose my husband. I hope that he wants me enough to forgive me and accept me for who I am. But I will understand if he doesn't.

[dezzi]

Hmmmm...Interesting. So, if you could take it or leave it, why not just leave it and not risk the drama and pain that could ensue upon discovery? You're human beings, yet these if/then scenarios sound like something punched into a computer. Emotions can be unpredictable things to try to manage.

 

I didn't decide in one day to cheat. It was much more gradual than that. Now that I have what is done is done. I see my husband happy and I am happy so as of today I see no need to change that. The only potential drama is MM's W. I know my husband well enough to know he won't cause drama. He is smarter than that and stronger. I do agree with the last part but as I said I am a poor writer. I am not eloquent and do not convey emotion well in the written word. If you met me in person you would be very surprised.

[dezzi]

Did you come outright and say its what you wanted?

I don't remember the conversation word for word but what I said was or pretty close to "I think I would enjoy an open marriage". My husband smiled and said "Of course you would, you're my nymph. I don't think open marriages really work. They are idealistic not realistic." I let it go because pushing would have been a red flag. That was the gist of what happened after discussing the concept of an open marriage

 

 

 

Woefully incorrect.

The MOST damage done by an A is in the lies and deceit.

And each little (or big) lie and deceit chips at some of the foundations of ANY R - namely trust and respect.

 

The longer you hide the A the more damage you do.

 

Its very much like saying cancer does no harm until its discovered...

 

Cancer is a disease that kills you if left undiscovered. Affairs are emotion based and not comparable at all. Your example falls short. People all have different opinions on emotion based actions. The science of it isn't exact. The lies and deceit are only known upon discovery. So what I said is true. Unless he finds out he will not be hurt. The longer I hide the affair it will only do more damage if discovered. And I cheated so length, with who, and why won't change that.

How sad. Your H believes and trusts in you to this degree....

What is sad about it? I do not sneak around or hide my phone. He has all my passwords and so forth as I have his. We simply do not feel the need to go digging for things that would only ruin are happiness together.

 

Would you tell the truth or lie?

It would depend. If I feel he knows or if it seems to complicated to lie I will simply tell the truth. I have not been tested in this. If you believe in lies of omission I already do lie to him. I think lies of omission are also a matter of opinion and very much a grey area. I know a 50 year old guy whose wife found his car outside a 22 year old woman's house who lived alone. The wife confronted him the next day and he told her the girl had an after party he had went to with his company and he had drank to much. His phone had died and he had crashed there for the night. There was no party and he was caught. In that instance telling the truth is the way to go as he acted like he thought his wife was dumb enough to fall for it.

 

 

No, H does not know about the affair but it is better that way for me.

Fixed it for you - had the wrong pronoun. You don't tell because it suits him - it suits YOU.

This is your opinion as I have told others. You aren't in my shoes so you don't understand. We do not share the same POV. I am protecting "us" by not telling. If I didn't care about him I'd let him know. But I do. I love him and don't want him to be hurt because he isn't at a place to accept my feelings and opinions on this.

 

 

So very true. No one knows what tomorrow will bring.

However, if we make an assumption that tomorrow will in fact come - and if we further assume that what we do and say now shapes tomorrow - what POSSIBLE futures are you incubating?

 

Might it not be better to eliminate any risks of a "bad outcomes" - and only, as reasonable as one might hop, have good ones?

 

Actually - what do you risk in this A of yours?

As I said everything is a risk. Marriage itself is a huge risk. When we choose to even date someone we risk hurting the other person in one way or another. Some people want to play it safe and that is their choice. My choice was to take this risk, minimize it and enjoy my life.

[dezzi]

I think I will give an example of exactly how my affair works. MM and I use fake FB accounts that we only access from our phones. We delete the history related only to our conversations. We do not talk on the phone or text or share photos. My husband is currently working his butt off to get back to where he was in his career so he is at work far more than me. When he is out of town on business or holed up at his office I go out with friends. When things work out for us we meet up before or after for some steamy sex or just fooling around. In groups I treat him the same as any one of the other men I know. No secret looks or what not. All four of us have done a few things but my H finds his W annoying. I think she is sweet but don't push for further contact because I don't think it would help keep the A separate. 6 months of physically being involved and we haven't come close to a scare. I realize that can change at any moment. I really do. But for now this is my life. I would say about 10% of my life is MM. Since joining LS that has increased slightly because I talk about it here. Though I have talked about him and my husband equal.

[DKT3]

How do you see this ending? Because it can't continue like this forever. I think that the vast majority of us here knows how it will end, but you seem to think it will end with some smooth step back into being a faithful wife and no one being the wiser.

 

You say you have a plan to throw the other under the bus, what does that accomplish? Both marriage will still be damaged.

 

Lastly if you truely feel that what your doing is ok and your husband wouldn't make waves then why not clue him in about the affair?

[jwi71]

I don't remember the conversation word for word but what I said was or pretty close to "I think I would enjoy an open marriage". My husband smiled and said "Of course you would, you're my nymph. I don't think open marriages really work. They are idealistic not realistic." I let it go because pushing would have been a red flag. That was the gist of what happened after discussing the concept of an open marriage

 

So, no...when given the opportunity to say "I want to have sexual relations with others" - you passed. And you did so because....that benefited you or him to not say it?

 

See where I'm going with this?

 

Cancer is a disease that kills you if left undiscovered. Affairs are emotion based and not comparable at all. Your example falls short. People all have different opinions on emotion based actions. The science of it isn't exact. The lies and deceit are only known upon discovery. So what I said is true. Unless he finds out he will not be hurt. The longer I hide the affair it will only do more damage if discovered. And I cheated so length, with who, and why won't change that.

 

Well, no analogy is perfect - but my point remains.

We won't agree so its a lesson you potentially learn the hard way - but the gist of it is "Everything since you begin your A is a lie". And this isn't strictly from a BS PoV - plenty of OW feel the same thing when they too discover a long held lie. True of all humans I would imagine.

 

No one likes being betrayed.

 

What is sad about it? I do not sneak around or hide my phone. He has all my passwords and so forth as I have his. We simply do not feel the need to go digging for things that would only ruin are happiness together.

 

That is what makes it so sad.

 

It would depend.

 

On what - if you don't mind...just trying to see if you know where that line is.

 

I think lies of omission are also a matter of opinion and very much a grey area. I know a 50 year old guy whose wife found his car outside a 22 year old woman's house who lived alone. The wife confronted him the next day and he told her the girl had an after party he had went to with his company and he had drank to much. His phone had died and he had crashed there for the night. There was no party and he was caught. In that instance telling the truth is the way to go as he acted like he thought his wife was dumb enough to fall for it.

 

Not dumb - trusting.

 

This is your opinion as I have told others. You aren't in my shoes so you don't understand.

 

Actually, I understand far better than you give me credit for.

 

We do not share the same POV. I am protecting "us" by not telling. If I didn't care about him I'd let him know. But I do. I love him and don't want him to be hurt because he isn't at a place to accept my feelings and opinions on this.

 

No, we don't share the same PoV.

 

When given the opportunity to say "I want to have sexual relations with others" - you passed. What was wrong with that approach? Why not respect your H and have the courage to say it?

 

Because he would refuse?

 

In any case, after that talk you KNEW it wasn't something he favored but you did - and, well, you went forward.

 

Its very hard to do something that your H considers "wrong" (or wouldn't accept) and you know will hurt him and then lie about it with some false sense of nobility. In short, you are really saying "I can't tell him the truth about me". Like I said, the lies aren't for him - they're for you.

 

Yes, we won't agree.

 

As I said everything is a risk. Marriage itself is a huge risk. When we choose to even date someone we risk hurting the other person in one way or another. Some people want to play it safe and that is their choice. My choice was to take this risk, minimize it and enjoy my life.

 

M is only a risk if one party chooses to make it one. Its very hard to claim M is full of risks so that makes cheating ok - life is also full of AVOIDABLE risks like cheating. So, no, I don't think its fair to say because all human endeavor contains risk - it excuses this behavior. There is a difference in avoidable risks and unavoidable risks. Cheating is clearly an avoidable risk.

 

And, its not just your life - it's your H's too.

 

I hope you think on it. Honesty is always the best policy - or at least its the laziest policy - one must only remember the truth.

 

I would pick one:

1) end the A (not holding my breath on this one)

2) open your M - you obviously don't NEED your H's permission - so just announce that you will pursue other partners and he is free to do the same.

3) get a D. HE has one view of M and you another. He just doesn't know it (you never told him YOUR desires to change the marital agreement)

 

My opinions of course..