tornapart2002 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 This puzzles me and really it's none of my business, but it is on my brain today, because ... well, the A is on my brain a lot and I'm sure will be for a long time while I work through things. When I used to look at the OW's pages on social media she would often put up nasty things about cheaters and people who cheat, mainly because her husband had cheated on her twice and just recently took off with the second one (a very, very young girl. It's really statuatory rape, but that's their problem, not mine). It baffled me because I know for a fact she cheated with my husband. Does she see this as different because a child did not result from it like it did in both her husband affairs? I guess I don't understand how a person can call themselves a victim when they inflicted the same hurt on me and my child. She could say that my husband pursued her and that made it fine, but it doesn't. BTW, I don't know that she did say this, but I'm sure it could have been this way. I know toward the end he was the one buying and sending her gifts. For me it's more an interest in the human brain and how people justify things that interests me. Maybe it interests me because I want to make sure I never hurt people the way I, and my son, have been hurt through this situation. I think when people cheat they often think only of themselves and not past the present to the future and to the other people, including young children, who will be hurt. I know her husband has shown he didn't care and she made sure everyone knew that, but then...isn't she just as bad for having no regard for my child and how this would all affect him? (My usual disclaimer: this is not directed at every OW/OM because I know every situation is different. Please do not come in here to bash me for thinking things out like an OW did not too long ago. Blah. Just know this is just me pondering things in my head, not trying to bash!) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
daisydook Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I would like to know too!!! I have never understood double standards, and don't believe it will ever really make any sense. It is one of my biggest pet peeves, regardless of whether it is cheating or speaking to the opposite sex, or just straight up how you treat me. Do not be a complete moron and expect me to move mountains for you. I won't. Go find another tool. Upon finding out my ex cheated, I (not seriously,) asked him if we stayed together, if he would be fine with me having a boyfriend on the side who I said I love you to, and someone else to confide in, daydream with, have mind blowing affair sex with... you know, to open up our relationship and make things fair. I told him I was fine with me dating other people too and turning a blind eye, knowing he would have a shyt fit. I had every intention of leaving him and never coming back, was angry and really was curious what his reaction would be to me responding by suggesting an open relationship instead of leaving him. I don't do cheating. I have not spoken to him since the day I left him and confronted him. Boy, he didn't like those questions one bit and the thought of it "made him sick to his stomach." Right. But the thought of you having a girlfriend was ok? Pfffffffffft. Nope. Get the F outta here. It never made sense to me at all. How can you go out and say and do these things with another woman, and then "feel sick to your stomach" at the idea of me doing it? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 ive wondered this too,like for example when the xow first started harassing me,she would say stuff like your husband is just a lying cheater,well yes I do know this,but she also knew he was married,and cheated with a married man,but she thought of herself,as the victim.shes 50% to blame for her part in this,and its the price she paid,to have an affair,with a married man 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 When the OM found out my WW and I were R'ing, he told her: "I don't know how someone could take you back after doing what you did." It blew my mind. It also kind of proved that, contrary to what he told her, he was putting some extra effort into ensuring our M was not salvageable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 3, 2014 Author Share Posted June 3, 2014 What a damn double standard! Like men can just do it, but women are trash when they do? What if I think they both are! Ha! (But I don't really feel people are trash...just joking around a bit). It's like when I was propositioned after my husband's affair and when I told my husband about it he said "It would have served me right if you had, but then I would have known this was over." Uh....sooo I was expected to just take him back and agree to reconcile because he is a man and it is expected, but if I had done "it would have been over." Um...OK. Thanks. Still pisses me off even though our R is going really well. When the OM found out my WW and I were R'ing, he told her: "I don't know how someone could take you back after doing what you did." It blew my mind. It also kind of proved that, contrary to what he told her, he was putting some extra effort into ensuring our M was not salvageable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I would like to know too!!! I have never understood double standards, and don't believe it will ever really make any sense. It is one of my biggest pet peeves, regardless of whether it is cheating or speaking to the opposite sex, or just straight up how you treat me. Do not be a complete moron and expect me to move mountains for you. I won't. Go find another tool. Upon finding out my ex cheated, I (not seriously,) asked him if we stayed together, if he would be fine with me having a boyfriend on the side who I said I love you to, and someone else to confide in, daydream with, have mind blowing affair sex with... you know, to open up our relationship and make things fair. I told him I was fine with me dating other people too and turning a blind eye, knowing he would have a shyt fit. I had every intention of leaving him and never coming back, was angry and really was curious what his reaction would be to me responding by suggesting an open relationship instead of leaving him. I don't do cheating. I have not spoken to him since the day I left him and confronted him. Boy, he didn't like those questions one bit and the thought of it "made him sick to his stomach." Right. But the thought of you having a girlfriend was ok? Pfffffffffft. Nope. Get the F outta here. It never made sense to me at all. How can you go out and say and do these things with another woman, and then "feel sick to your stomach" at the idea of me doing it? yes daisy I know what you mean after I found out about my husbands affair,i did propose to him,that he can have his ow,but I also wanted the cute younger Mexican man,that always flirts with me on the side too,the thought of another man even touching me made him sick to his stomach,and there was no way in hellz,he would want to share me,even though I was unknowingly sharing him,and I told him,at least you would know,unlike me. we are in R,now and its going well,this just makes me laugh now,not the affair,but that he said no way could another man touch me 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 What a damn double standard! Like men can just do it, but women are trash when they do? What if I think they both are! Ha! (But I don't really feel people are trash...just joking around a bit). It's like when I was propositioned after my husband's affair and when I told my husband about it he said "It would have served me right if you had, but then I would have known this was over." Uh....sooo I was expected to just take him back and agree to reconcile because he is a man and it is expected, but if I had done "it would have been over." Um...OK. Thanks. Still pisses me off even though our R is going really well. Ha. that's interesting, because my WW has said she wouldn't take me back if I would ever have an A. I see the initial hypocrisy, but I also know she and I are very different people whose reactions to a lot of things can be at opposite ends of the spectrum. I've been able to deal with it and get past a lot of the insecurity. I think we both know she wouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 A lot of people are complete utter hypocrites. They are not willing to give what they so vocally demand from others. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Yeah, when I told my husband he should be with OW, he was incredulous, and said, she's not trustworthy. It kind of still makes me mad to think he thinks he is too good to be with a cheater but I'm not. It's an odd dynamic and one we trip over quite a bit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 When the OM found out my WW and I were R'ing, he told her: "I don't know how someone could take you back after doing what you did." It blew my mind. It also kind of proved that, contrary to what he told her, he was putting some extra effort into ensuring our M was not salvageable. Yep, that is what "love" is as in taking someone back that betrayed you as love endures, so many WS confuse their addiction to the "vacation" and call it love, your statement is all any WS needs to read about their AP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 3, 2014 Author Share Posted June 3, 2014 I should have tried that with my husband...only where I live there weren't any good choices. Just a really disgusting man who was married, knew what I was going through and tried to take advantage of me in a very vulnerable state. yes daisy I know what you mean after I found out about my husbands affair,i did propose to him,that he can have his ow,but I also wanted the cute younger Mexican man,that always flirts with me on the side too,the thought of another man even touching me made him sick to his stomach,and there was no way in hellz,he would want to share me,even though I was unknowingly sharing him,and I told him,at least you would know,unlike me. we are in R,now and its going well,this just makes me laugh now,not the affair,but that he said no way could another man touch me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
painfullyobvious Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 There are a lot of people who are good at telling people what to do but when it is their turn to practice what they preach they somehow choose a different path. Also, by presenting such a staunch opposition verbally against cheaters, infidelity and affairs it presents the illusion that there is no way they would actually cheat. It provides a nice little cover for their perceived benevolence as they actually lead a life of deceit. Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Yeah, when I told my husband he should be with OW, he was incredulous, and said, she's not trustworthy. It kind of still makes me mad to think he thinks he is too good to be with a cheater but I'm not. It's an odd dynamic and one we trip over quite a bit. Yeah..I think that statement would bother me a lot. <3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
txgrl Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I'd become an utter POS in my own A and tried never to say anything if the topic of infidelity came up in discussions but if I had to , I very vehemently opposed it all the while feeling stupid about my own hypocrisy . It's not that hard to understand . If someone can engage in an A , they can come up with all sorts of justifications in tier own heads to make themselves feel less guilty . Doesn't work ! Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 (edited) Men are guilty of the same thing...... My W's AP was bashing his W in messages to my W.....talking bad about his W because she had/was cheating on him. Funny - it was ok for him to cheat on his W with mine. He thought his wife was scum for cheating but he was golden......doing the same thing. He talked about what his W was "doing to our children". But he had not one regard for what he was "doing" to my daughter... And he knew she existed because he talked to my W about "we can tell _________ later". It really pissed me off that he used my daughter's name. Seems like a common and universal thing. Obviously, the mindset of the person in the A is that their actions are fully justified, for whatever selfish reason, and that they are doing no wrong. Isn't the affair-fog a wonderful thing? Edited June 4, 2014 by NotCamelot 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 (edited) This puzzles me and really it's none of my business, but it is on my brain today, because ... well, the A is on my brain a lot and I'm sure will be for a long time while I work through things. When I used to look at the OW's pages on social media she would often put up nasty things about cheaters and people who cheat, mainly because her husband had cheated on her twice and just recently took off with the second one (a very, very young girl. It's really statuatory rape, but that's their problem, not mine). It baffled me because I know for a fact she cheated with my husband. Does she see this as different because a child did not result from it like it did in both her husband affairs? I guess I don't understand how a person can call themselves a victim when they inflicted the same hurt on me and my child. She could say that my husband pursued her and that made it fine, but it doesn't. BTW, I don't know that she did say this, but I'm sure it could have been this way. I know toward the end he was the one buying and sending her gifts. For me it's more an interest in the human brain and how people justify things that interests me. Maybe it interests me because I want to make sure I never hurt people the way I, and my son, have been hurt through this situation. I think when people cheat they often think only of themselves and not past the present to the future and to the other people, including young children, who will be hurt. I know her husband has shown he didn't care and she made sure everyone knew that, but then...isn't she just as bad for having no regard for my child and how this would all affect him? (My usual disclaimer: this is not directed at every OW/OM because I know every situation is different. Please do not come in here to bash me for thinking things out like an OW did not too long ago. Blah. Just know this is just me pondering things in my head, not trying to bash!) It's not unusual for some individuals to be ok with the concept of "cheat with me but not on me." It's like a burgler who has a hissy fit if his house is robbed. It doesn't make sense for those who treat others as they wish to be treated. SMH Edited June 4, 2014 by Furious Correction 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Definitely an interesting study in human behavior. My husband (we began as an affair a good number of years ago) came home a few weeks ago quite upset because one of the people who works for him was said to be having an affair. His reaction was rather interesting... he was like "what is he thinking? can you believe him? who does this sort of thing???" I was like um... pot, have you met the kettle? Last time I checked, you and I had an affair. Yet, somehow... I guess that was different? . Wait, let me guess, because it was HIM? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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