enchanted771 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I have been dating this guy off and on since January. Well met him in January really. I started to make him feel pressured and he kind of backed off. Took a little break from each other and now were back. We get along great, go on dates, he keeps telling me isnt sleeping around (yeah right), he is affectionate with me, alot of PDA, we have sleepovers, etc. Even jokes around " if we were married....." but wont make the dive. Claims he doesnt want drama, has alot on his plate, works long hours, travels alot for work, etc. I understand that maybe some men just dont want it...but not sure if i believe this. We see each other maybe every week or so, so to me its just casual dating. Last time I was kind of getting clingy about the frequency but have decided not to do that. I like him alot, but at some point i do want a relationship. So when and if i meet someone who can give this to me, i will stop dating. I know how he feels about having a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 stop being so available. let him chase you. date others, flip the script on him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author enchanted771 Posted June 3, 2014 Author Share Posted June 3, 2014 Gotcha..makes sense Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 unfortunately this is true even when your attention is now elsewhere for real , they take it as prey and resume the hunt......dotn knwo if this means they are good for you though, you end up in a cycle fo a push pull relationship.....feels gamey.......it depends if he is honest in realizing he really does need you in his life and not just winning a hunt......it can make good guys realize hey i really want to be with her...motivation for wanting you back i guess is key.........good luck....deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
slizl Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Men commit for two reasons: 1) Lack of options 2) Lack of options I'll be here all week 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author enchanted771 Posted June 3, 2014 Author Share Posted June 3, 2014 Men commit for two reasons: 1) Lack of options 2) Lack of options I'll be here all week lol me too Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 you're FWB. He sees you this way. this is not going to change, even though you become unavailable. He'll look for another one. My advice is to stop wanting him to commit, and if you cannot do this, just run. Read my thread for more examples. I've tried to make an unavailable man to commit for more than 1 year. Didn't work out. I'm drained, emotionally broken, and feeling miserable now that it's all over. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author enchanted771 Posted June 3, 2014 Author Share Posted June 3, 2014 unfortunately this is true even when your attention is now elsewhere for real , they take it as prey and resume the hunt......dotn knwo if this means they are good for you though, you end up in a cycle fo a push pull relationship.....feels gamey.......it depends if he is honest in realizing he really does need you in his life and not just winning a hunt......it can make good guys realize hey i really want to be with her...motivation for wanting you back i guess is key.........good luck....deb Dating seriously sucks nowadays. I think if two people have a connection, get along, and enjoy each others company then you commit. We act like a real couple (when were together) but with no commitment. I am more of a straight shooter. I hate having to act this way or that way to get someone to commit. If you like each other, there should be no question. But then again, maybe he just doesnt want to be tied down to someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author enchanted771 Posted June 3, 2014 Author Share Posted June 3, 2014 you're FWB. He sees you this way. this is not going to change, even though you become unavailable. He'll look for another one. My advice is to stop wanting him to commit, and if you cannot do this, just run. Read my thread for more examples. I've tried to make an unavailable man to commit for more than 1 year. Didn't work out. I'm drained, emotionally broken, and feeling miserable now that it's all over. Probably cant because I have real feelings for him. I want to feel like I am a priority. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Right now you are just dating. The minute you got clingy he pulled away. You eased up and he came back. It is different for each man what it is about a woman that makes him want to be exclusive with her. If he isn't asking to be exclusive with you you can ask him and see what he says. If he says anything other than say yes then you need to move on. You can't make someone love you. If you continue to be his FWB realize that he may meet "that girl" that he knows right away he wants a commitment with and drop you. It's your choice.. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Read a pop psychology book called He's Just Not That Into You. Men commit when it's something they really want. As long as you make things easy & convenient for a man, they won't try harder. You are already having sex with him outside the parameters you claim to want. Since he's already getting what he wants (sex), what incentive does he have to give you what you want (a commitment / relationship).? Understand this guy. The minute you bring this up to him, you become in his mind, the "drama" he doesn't want. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Men commit when we feel our lives will be better with the woman we are seeing. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Enchanted: just run. Do not waste anymore time. You can be as unavailable as you want, if he only sees you as a fwb, nothing is gonna change this. You can try this im gonna tell you though. Didn't work with me because I got obsessed with the guy a d felt terrible canceling on him when all I wanted to do was to actually be with him. Give and withdraw. Make him feel special, then ignore him. Make him wonder what the hell us hapening. Promise him to meet, cancel last minute. Apologize two days later and start giving again. Give then withdraw. And no sex. Try it. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 It is nothing to do with chasing or how easy she is too get. Men ask ourselves if our life will be better or not in a committed relationship with this woman and we decide from there. That is all there is to it. Link to post Share on other sites
ponchsox Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Men commit when they get a constant supply of blow jobs and sandwiches. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 What makes a man commit is nothing you have control over. It's nothing you do, or don't do. It's nothing you say or don't say. A man commits when he feels in his guts he cannot live without you. You can play all the games you want and he'll never feel it with you. You can be the nicest, sexiest girl and he'll never feel it with you. Then for some unknown reasons he'll commit right away with the next girl. She probably will be less pretty than you, less nice, less accommodating, but She just had that thing he could not live without. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 You nailed it Gaeta! What makes a man commit is nothing you have control over. It's nothing you do, or don't do. It's nothing you say or don't say. A man commits when he feels in his guts he cannot live without you. You can play all the games you want and he'll never feel it with you. You can be the nicest, sexiest girl and he'll never feel it with you. Then for some unknown reasons he'll commit right away with the next girl. She probably will be less pretty than you, less nice, less accommodating, but She just had that thing he could not live without. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Men commit when they get a constant supply of blow jobs and sandwiches. Yep, in my case it was a combination of this and this Note, in the first image, the man isn't wearing a wedding ring, though his wife is, and he's looking at her while sharpening the knife with the edge pointed towards him, the sign of a truly committed man. And, no, that's not my exW's ass, though hers was just as spectacular, that's Jen Tilly at a parade. OP, TBH, I don't think one ever knows what makes another person commit to them, even after they're apparently committed. It's part of the mystery of life and can change at any time. IMO, if the now works for you, go with it. If not, try something else. Link to post Share on other sites
Lipitor11 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I think maybe its because the guy hasn't "felt' anything special with a certain woman. This has happened to me a few years ago, went out with a guy who I thought was going to be the one-have a future together, then found out months later, he married some another girl-most likely some ex-girl that he probably rekindled some kind of romance while he was overseas...and on facebook...everyone assumed he would never get married because he was always with different women, but yes, I guess she captured his heart and it wasn't with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 You are giving him free sex, companionship, and he is free to date other women? No wonder he wouldn't commit to you. Selfish men like that will tell you what you want to hear just so they can have access to you without giving up any freedom or commitment. He has no respect for you. You have no respect for you. If you want a relationship, go seek one.... just not with him. Chances are, he is not necessarily afraid of commitments. He just doesn't want to be committed to you. When he meets the right girl, he will take her off the market FAST! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 (edited) In building on what Gaeta said: men commit when we're ready to. When we commit, it is entirely natural. There is no fear. It isn't scary. If it is, then we're not 100% in. So here's my dime store wisdom on this matter: men need to need and be needed. Women want to want and be wanted. Let me break that down a bit more. We men live in a world of want. Every day we are bombarded with an endless stream of wants. And we're really good at wanting. New car, new job, new house, new piece of exercise equipment that will go unused, that woman who works at the coffee shop... you name it. But when it comes to affairs of our heart such as committing - want has nothing to do with it. Want is a higher cognitive skill (see below) and I'm sorry, but that's not what causes us to "click" and commit. Rather it is need. There are few forces as powerful as when a man feels needed. Or needs something or someone. It is a base instinct. When a man needs a woman, and/or feels needed by that woman, commitment is just presumed. Let's take it out of the romantic construct - look at how men behave during wartime. They signed up by the droves during WWII to die in the jungles of the Pacific or the beaches of Normandy because why? Uncle Sam needed them to. Back to the romantic - love isn't scary for men. At least the part where they're deciding to trust. It is instinctual. Women on the other hand are far more cerebral about this. Women operate (or at least want to operate) in the realm of want vs. need when it comes to love. Think about it - if you are female, don't you just recoil a bit even when I talk about need? Or being needed? Rather, women want to trust, want to be wanted, want to want a particular man. That's why love is a far more scary proposition for women because it is a cerebral decision, a decision founded on trust and good/poor judgment making. Emotional investment? While we men can understand the concept, it is still somewhat foreign to us. As we either are, or we're not. So with my gross generalizations out there, think about the mixed signals we send: "I want you to want to spend time with me instead of with your friends" - said by a woman. Granted, she's stating what she desires but to a man this really doesn't make sense. "I need you in my life" said by a man. For a man, that's probably the highest compliment he can give. But heard by a woman, that seems so needy and not like he's making a conscious decision. Wouldn't you rather hear him say "I want you in my life" because that means you're a priority. I could go on and on but there you have it. So back to your original question - as Gaeta said, much of this is totally out of your control. But I will say this one thing you can do, if you want to speak male love language, don't be afraid to say "I need you". Even if it is followed by "to help me paint my bedroom". When men feel needed, we feel like we "fit" or add to a relationship. Best of luck! Edited June 4, 2014 by Mrin 10 Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I'll commit when I meet my ideal woman. A deaf mute pamela Anderson! "What was that honey?". In all seriousness, date men that *like* you. Your OP gives away that you're a *chaser*. I habe the same problem, genders reversed so don't think I'm judging you. Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 1. Right woman 2. Right time in his life Thats it. If a guy wont commit to you, youre not the right woman for him. Btw, having grown up in NYC, and still being close to the area...I can tell you that if the guy hasnt committed yet, he never will. NYC is a heaven of options for a young single guy. Link to post Share on other sites
michellew Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Read a pop psychology book called He's Just Not That Into You. Men commit when it's something they really want. As long as you make things easy & convenient for a man, they won't try harder. You are already having sex with him outside the parameters you claim to want. Since he's already getting what he wants (sex), what incentive does he have to give you what you want (a commitment / relationship).? Understand this guy. The minute you bring this up to him, you become in his mind, the "drama" he doesn't want. Ugh, I hate reading relationship books but they do have valid points and make sense. Another one to try is "You Lost Him at Hello". One thing both of these books will tell you is that men are attracted to a woman who is comfortable in her own shoes, happy, confident, has her own life, and is perfectly fine being single. This is the type of woman they commit to. The minute you come off as needy is when they run. Live your life, have fun, date other people, and don't wait around for this guy. He'll see this and maybe he'll come around. Maybe he won't. Either way, you'll be just fine without him. :-) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Another thread with the same theme. 'I want to spend my lifetime with this person but.... 'Drum roll'....I don't even feel comfortable asking him.' No **** eh. Sometimes I wonder why people keep putting themselves through this crap. I mean who WANTS to be miserable like this... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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