Is my jealousy killing promising relationships or simply protecting me?

[hey123]

So... My name is Tara, Im 24 years old.. I've had one long term relationship, which was gradually torn apart by jealousy from my side (2 years ago), since he had kissed a girl after we had been dating for two months (of course we hadn't discussed 'us' but I was still saddened by it). Anyways, we broke up (for multiple reasons), and I always assumed that I just met the wrong guy.

 

But as it turns out, jealousy would turn into a theme for the next two important people I would meet as well.

 

Met a guy online a few months ago, seemed great. Charming, a little insecure, successful in his career. Took me out for dinner/dates 6 times, paid for everything, called every day, texted. Expressed clear interest in me. He told me he was good friends with his exes, which I assumed just involved occasional talking...One weekend (at this point I had stayed over with him twice, 1.5 months into dating), he hangs out with a 'friend' visiting from another city. I asked him about it afterwards, didn't want to sound too inquisitive but noticed he avoided mentioning the sex of the friend. It was a girl, and he admitted they had been dating a few years ago, and she slept on the couch in his room. Nothing happened he said, they were platonic friends, she just needed a place to stay in New York. I couldn't deal with it, didn't believe his story, and broke it off.

 

Third guy: this is someone I had been seeing for a brief while a few years ago from college, but we broke it off due to long-distance, me moving to another country. Never had such great chemistry with anyone else, and he has told me the same...It was my first love essentially.

Recently we started calling each other (Im back in the US again), long emails, and I travel to his city two weekends in a row. Everything is fantastic, and we take off where we left three years ago. Then he comes to New York last weekend and needs a place to stay for an interview. Last minute, I have to travel to see family Saturday-Sunday but still offer him to stay in my room both Friday and Saturday night. He finds another friend to stay with on Saturday--understandably more fun to be with friends in NYC than alone right! I ask him who it is, and yeah... It's a girl. He has countless of female friends and I've met a couple when visiting him, I like them. Didn't bother me because he just acts all platonic, I really do believe that he has platonic female friends because he's just that type of guy, not really the very masculine guy I typically date.

 

But I freaked out. I have no right to freak out because we are not an item (yet). But I freaked out really bad... The thought of him sleeping in same room as female friend (he didn't know what the bed arrangements would be like, but he said he would sleep in same bed if it was big. That or sofa if she had one)... Who I haven't had the chance to meet yet.. We argued all night, but he was never defensive about it, just tried to calm me down. But day after I think he had enough and helped her move into new apt (deal since before) while I was at work. My plans got cancelled and I told him he should stay with her since that was his plan, but he knew I was sad and stayed with me. But I was upset/defensive/accusatory all weekend and now I've barely heard from him.

 

Help!! Are these guys dishonest with me i.e. should I trust my gut like I've done so far? Or just realize I need to calm down? And simply trust people? Is my jealousy killing promising relationships or simply protecting me from the wrong guys?

[hey123]

it should be added that he did offer me to join when he was hanging out with the girl he helped move.. i.e. join them for an event they were going to early in the evening. So he wasn't reluctant for me to meet her or anything.

[umirano]

You could talk to him (#2), expressing that you may have overreacted. I'm not sure about #1. Jealousy is a b*tch but certainly a signal not to be completely ignored. If your gut tells you he's lying and did actually sleep with her, then you did well dumping him. If you're really unsure as to what he's up to you can always stay around a little longer until you find out one way or the other. Ofc it's hurtful to find out someone is cheating on you or playing games. But don't underestimate the value of the experience, in the future your gut feeling will get more accurate.

[giblesp]

I'm not seeing any jealousy as such in your post. Its normal to feel unsettled if your love interest is sleeping in the same room as another woman, ESPECIALLY if they have had a sexual relationship previously.

 

Possibly they were sincerely just being friends with these girls, with no underlying sexual energies. But they shouldn't be sleeping in the same room as one of them. You have to be very aware of your opposite sex friendships when you're with someone.

[PegNosePete]

I have no right to freak out because we are not an item (yet). But I freaked out really bad... The thought of him sleeping in same room as female friend (he didn't know what the bed arrangements would be like, but he said he would sleep in same bed if it was big.

I don't get this. What do you mean you had no "right" to freak out? I don't think there is anything in the US constitution that gives or denies anyone the right to freak out or not. In fact wouldn't it come under the first amendment?

 

You can't base your feelings on whatever label you have or haven't put on your relationship. If his actions hurt you then you are perfectly entitled to express that, and act accordingly.

 

However from what I've read in the past, NYC can be particularly brutal for this kind of thing. Guys (and girls) will assume you're seeing multiple others unless it's explicitly stated that you're not. Sheesh, glad I don't live there.

 

I don't think it's your jealousy that is killing potential relationships, it's just your mindset which is closer to how us Europeans think of relationships. You can carry on with that mindset if you like, but finding someone who thinks the same might be challenging. Or you can try to embrace the more common, multi-dating culture where you are based.

[Keenly]

I do honestly think your jealousy is pushing good situations away from you.

 

 

You even acknowledge your own irrationality in the last story by admitting that you trust him to be platonic but then you freaked out.

[Womaneyezer]

This one is a tricky one...in your circumstance, when you don't have concrete evidence of any kind of cheating, always ask questions and then form a conclusion based on how you feel about the situation. Don't always be so hasty to end things because when we assume we tend to make an ASS of ourselves.

[hey123]

thanks for response everyone... Its all confusing.. Some tell me to trust my gut feeling, others to relax more.

 

It's just difficult..

 

 

Thinking about it though, I did have a male friend staying over in my apt once, nothing happened but he slept in another room and he was on his was to another city to visit his gf. But other than that, I just dont believe that sleeping on the same bed would ever lead to anything other than physical intimacy. Or what if you're drunk together? With either an ex or female friend? Mistakes do happen right, why do people put themselves in those situations? In my first relationship, I had issues with my bf even taking a coffee with his ex. Think Ive grown to be more acceptant. But now with the sleeping over thing of guy nr 1 (online dating one)... Bahh.. never. Isn't that just a bit.. poor judgement? I mean, if I was into some guy, I would never have my ex sleep over because that sends the wrong signals. He told me he just wanted to be nice, NYC is expensive, and that she slept on couch. He wouldnt throw his friendships away.

(But come on, in the next sentence he tells me she has family in the city that they both visited during the day.. So yeah

@giblesp you may be right).

 

But second guy, who has many female friends and was planning on staying over with one of them a night id be gone... Perhaps Id be ok with that I dont know. He did offer me to meet her after all, but I was too upset so I said no.

I just dont know if Im the one with issues or the people I meet anymore.! I know I probably scare guys away with my outbursts and emotional drama after a few dates but I cant help it, cant be the happy person I usually am and go along with it.

 

@PegNosePete: yes, Im European, so dating American guys has been difficult. I dont have many guy friends either, simply because I assume that they'd want more. The guy friends I have are either gay or completely in love with their SO's.

[pteromom]

I think all three of these guys weren't compatible with you.

 

The first guy cheated. Smart to feel insecure with him!

 

The 2nd and 3rd guys had different values than you do when it comes to opposite sex friends and boundaries with them.

 

I do believe you should work on relaxing your anxiety about opposite sex friends, but there is nothing wrong with looking for a partner who agrees it is not OK to spend the night at an opposite sex friend's place while in a relationship.

[Clockwork]

Normally I'll say that jealousy will push people away from you. In fact, you'll lose more by overreacting than anything. I've been on the other side before. An ex was jealous about everything (ie. a pretty waitress at a restaurant) and I never gave her any reason to be. The constant re-assuring was exhausting. It was everyday.

 

However...............these guys you are with aren't telling you the whole story. A guy rarely does when he thinks it is no big deal that a girl sleeps in his room. You have to ask yourself, what was stopping them from having sex? Nothing. This guy would never put himself in that situation if he was serious with you. And he isn't, so you were right to react that way.

[hey123]

thank you guys for your input! i think ill break it off with this last guy too. He knew how sensitive I was with female sleep overs with the last person I dated (the one who had an ex stay over), and yet, he was inconsiderate enough to ask to stay the night with his female friend. Platonic or not (I do suspect they are), Im still not ok with a guy who makes these choices.

[jbelle6]

I would never sleep over at another man's house if I am in a relationship so I don't feel bad expecting the same from a partner.

 

Actually, I can't think of a single ex that would NOT have broken up with me for that.