As predicted [update]

[Simon Phoenix]

Hey, if this further pushes you to NC and to recovery, it might not end up being a bad thing at all. Don't feel like you disappointed us -- we're just randoms on the internet. You'll be OK -- just don't relapse. Feel free to use this thread if you are feeling weak or down, or high on life.

[JahnJahn]

Yay! I didn't cave.

 

I got a call from her at 3 something (apparently she can reach my phone now), I didn't call her back and after 10mins or so got a message asking why I said ok to talking if Im going to ignore her.

 

I decided if I stayed in the house I would end up caving so I went for a walk, Just came back home now. I feel great... somewhat. a large part of me wishes I would have talked to her and seen what she had to say, Il never know what would have happened if I saw her but Im okay with that I think.

 

Time to enjoy this temporary high while it lasts While I wait to see what my sister is going to say to me

[No Limit]

She didn't have anything important to say, just more manipulative crap.

And what the heck is your sister doing in all this anyway? Doesn't she have her own business to keep in mind rather than her brothers?

[JahnJahn]

She didn't have anything important to say, just more manipulative crap.

And what the heck is your sister doing in all this anyway? Doesn't she have her own business to keep in mind rather than her brothers?

 

My sisters and her became quite good friends. My mum likes her too. She was a good influence on me in terms of education. They dont really understand why I dont want to be friends with her.

[JahnJahn]

I came back home because I wasn't enjoying myself out and I recieve a message from her

 

"Hi John , How are you? I hope everything is ok".

 

Why in gods name would she send me that... Does she actually think things are "Ok?" Im so flippin angry.

 

I dont understand why she would send me this at 1.40AM...

[Iguanna]

Oh honey, don't waste your best time of your life with a girl that much older that treats you so bad. It's a shame. Trust me. A real relationship is touch the other person, hug them, look at their eyes and not press shut down on the pc and being alone.... Move on with your life. You didn't love her, you loved having someone. You'll find this again, and this time it better be close to you and with a girl your age.

[JahnJahn]

Oh honey, don't waste your best time of your life with a girl that much older that treats you so bad. It's a shame. Trust me. A real relationship is touch the other person, hug them, look at their eyes and not press shut down on the pc and being alone.... Move on with your life. You didn't love her, you loved having someone. You'll find this again, and this time it better be close to you and with a girl your age.

 

Ive never dated a girl my age or younger Just never been into them or found any I was interested in.

 

I do love her, I know that much, but its true, Im currently wasting my time thinking about her, when shes most likely having the time of her life. Its hard and Im trying to move on.

[JahnJahn]

I do not understand why you send me breadcrumbs with no meaning at all. I guess her respect for me is low.

 

If you really cared about how I was or know where I am, I'm sure you can find out.

[JahnJahn]

Today is hard, in fact it seems harder everyday to keep NC. I keep contemplating just being friends and living with the consequences but I know I'm not ready.

 

I have this urge to contact her back but I know it's not worth it. What makes it hard is knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel but getting there seems to be taking forever. Tomorrow was the day I was going to Poland and it's quite painful to know I will never see her again or go to that beautiful country.

 

Her breadcrumbs confuse me. One minute I want to reply, the next I start to think of how little she values me if short messages is all she can come up with. I know I am worth more than an occasional check up when she is lonely but that doesn't seem to help with how I'm feeling.

 

I'm trying to work on keeping the mentality of being worth more and deserving better but that's clouded by the memories and time we spent together. This NC is hard. First time ever doing it

 

Gonna go to the gym in a few hours, I hope I feel better. Why do people who say they love you have to put you through so much hurt?

[SBHook]

I know what you've been going through. I know it's hard. I'm going through a similar thing myself. My relationship was once very smooth and now it's very messed up. I worry about other people's opinion at some level but I've been thinking lately that what matters at the end of it it's your happiness, and if you decide to fight for it, then do it.

 

I'm not telling you to keep contacting her nor anything. If you have stay NC, stay it. You will either move on or the universe will reward you with her or someone more compatible to you.

 

Pray.

 

I'm still holding on for my ex-bf but that's because I know we are both aware we were good together (never argued, fought, broke up before), we see each other everyday, he has claimed to a mutual friend he still likes me "as a woman" and not just as a friend, and because the ex-gf he has gotten back together with is a foreigner (and will have to leave at some point) and is not taking their relationship seriously because of me. And we are in our mid to late 20's.

 

That does not me I'm not living my life.

 

I've been going to the gym too. I've made some good improvements already and people are starting to tell and complimenting me. Plus, I'm also seeing another guy. I told him about the situation I had gone through before him, because I wanted to be honest with him. He's a bit uncomfortable but he's trying to help me and he says "whatever will be, will be" and that we should try to be happy right now.

 

Ex-bf is still the first thing in my mind when I wake up and the last thing when I go to bed.

 

Lately, most days I wake up feeling good and hopeful, but then I start overthinking it right after (I'm an overthinker and that's horrible) and I start to feel somewhat less better. But then I get up and go do something, sending vibes to the universe that we'll stay together somehow soon.

 

People may judge, but we do what we do for our happiness.

[JahnJahn]

I will update on how im feeling in a bit because i recieved a message from her asking me to call her.

 

Should i call her? I haven't called her yet, got this message 25mins ago

[Simon Phoenix]

I will update on how im feeling in a bit because i recieved a message from her asking me to call her.

 

Should i call her? I haven't called her yet, got this message 25mins ago

 

Why don't you have her number blocked? And no, you should not call her.

[JahnJahn]

So I havent called her. She sent me this

 

umieram john staram sie byc twarda ale z dnia na dzien jest co raz gorzej nie moge zyc, normalnie funkcjonowac bez ciebie prosze odezwij sie do mnie ja naprawde nie daje jus rady tak bardzo mi ciebie brak

 

which translates to

 

Am dying john. Am trying to be strong but day after day its worse. I can't live or function like normal person. Please speak to me. I really can't do this anymore. I miss you soooo much

 

One thing I dont see is "Mistake" "sorry" or anything along those lines... Seriously, what is this?

[Simon Phoenix]

So I havent called her. She sent me this

 

umieram john staram sie byc twarda ale z dnia na dzien jest co raz gorzej nie moge zyc, normalnie funkcjonowac bez ciebie prosze odezwij sie do mnie ja naprawde nie daje jus rady tak bardzo mi ciebie brak

 

which translates to

 

Am dying john. Am trying to be strong but day after day its worse. I can't live or function like normal person. Please speak to me. I really can't do this anymore. I miss you soooo much

 

One thing I dont see is "Mistake" "sorry" or anything along those lines... Seriously, what is this?

 

She's sending you messages in Polish or Czech? WHY HAVEN'T YOU BLOCKED HER?!!!! Seriously, you need to block her badly. You are torturing yourself by allowing her to contact you like this, even if you don't respond.

[JahnJahn]

She's sending you messages in Polish or Czech? WHY HAVEN'T YOU BLOCKED HER?!!!! Seriously, you need to block her badly. You are torturing yourself by allowing her to contact you like this, even if you don't respond.

 

I gave my sister my phone and went for a walk. Found myself walking to quite far.

 

My curiosity is really getting the better of me. The reason I haven't blocked her is because I want to be friends with her some day and I do not want to completely disappear from her life or her from mine and my family likes her (My sister practically forced me to call her at one point). I just need to heal and be done with the relationship we had and move on.

 

Im still on NC, I dont have my phone so I cant call her, but this curiosity is killing me. I also have given up on ever having a romantic relationship with her, It would be the same stuff again and tbh I cannot provide for her what she truly wants i.e a Family, marriage etc. She is 28 and Im 21, by the time im ready for any of that I would have wasted her time and she would begin to resent me. At least as friends I can check in and out to see how her life has gone. My primary goal is to reach the point of indifference in the romantic sense. Right now I still love her and it would be bad in my development if we remained friends.

Edited June 10, 2014 by JahnJahn

[Simon Phoenix]

I gave my sister my phone and went for a walk. Found myself walking to quite far.

 

My curiosity is really getting the better of me. The reason I haven't blocked her is because I want to be friends with her some day and I do not want to completely disappear from her life or her from mine and my family likes her (My sister practically forced me to call her at one point). I just need to heal and be done with the relationship we had and move on.

 

Im still on NC, I dont have my phone so I cant call her, but this curiosity is killing me. I also have given up on ever having a romantic relationship with her, It would be the same stuff again and tbh I cannot provide for her what she truly wants i.e a Family, marriage etc. She is 28 and Im 21, by the time im ready for any of that I would have wasted her time and she would begin to resent me. At least as friends I can check in and out to see how her life has gone. My primary goal is to reach the point of indifference in the romantic sense. Right now I still love her and it would be bad in my development if we remained friends.

 

Then you need to block her on your phone until you are capable of being friends with her. You can always unblock the number at a later date. But by keeping her unblocked you are torturing yourself. Simply not answering is not enough -- her simple contact is throwing you for a loop. You have to go the full monty on NC -- that means blocking. Otherwise you are going to torture yourself.

 

You need to stop making things unnecessarily difficult. This whole situation sucks on it's own -- adding a degree of difficulty to it isn't helping manners at all. You aren't going to be able to heal quickly and properly if you keep giving her lifelines into your life. Stop being stubborn about NC and do it completely.

[JahnJahn]

I went to Bournemouth for the week (till today, got home now) and left my phone with my younger sister and deleted her off PSN like SP suggested.

 

My friends gave me a reality check and I think Im going on strong. I booked a ticket to Tanzania to go spend time with my family and get distracted for a month and a half, there, regardless of how I feel, I will not be able to contact her in any way

 

Ive kept NC for this long, I think I can stick out another 2 weeks before I leave for my Holiday. I missed her a lot today because I got my results and remembered how much she encouraged me to study etc.

 

I do truly hope one day we can be friends again, I still feel the pain but I know that it will pass at some point.

 

Thanks everyone for the support

[Trimmer]

I hope your trip to Tanzania is relaxing and restful, and lets you clear your head and move yourself forward. Good Luck!

[JahnJahn]

I feel Ive come a long way since the break up and NC.

 

I still think about her a lot but at the end of it I always just sigh and look ahead to the future. I talked to one of my sisters friends, who is a clinical psychologist and she gave me some really good advice. Similar to what you guys here have been giving me.

 

I realize that I did not only care for her romantically as my GF but I started seeing her as part of my family. Until now, even though Im very slowly starting to appreciate the things I have in life and things to come, I still care for her deeply. She never had a person in her life who truly cared about her and her well being nor a true friend to talk to when things got tough. My sisters friend made me realise that until I can be indifferent towards her, I will be giving her biased opinions and my care for her will be clouded by an emotional and romantic love. I want to reach the point where I can love her as a Friend in a similar way I love my best friend (female bf).

 

The days have started to become much longer and the nights seem infinite, but everyday, I wake up and I am still alive and well. My heart may hurt and I always miss her but I know one day this feeling will fade. I deleted her from PSN and everything I could think of and maybe one day we can be friends but I am also working on giving up that hope inorder to continue my path towards becoming a better person. Maybe when I can be happy with who I am and prioritise my happiness as much as others then I can truly be a friend to her and someone who can help her in life.

 

Knowing that she has moved on (assuming atleast) has helped me tremendously in deciding what I would want her in my life as, I know that I will never be with her again and truly, I am okay with that. I know she probably does not think of me anymore but again, I am okay with that. From talking to my sisters friend, I realised that in life, I will be hurt multiple times, I will experience pain but in time I will find happiness within and share that happiness with someone else. I know one day, even though now I still think she was the best thing to happen to me, this illusion will break and I will find someone who will love me as much as I love them and will be committed to me as much as I am to them. I am young and I will have a lot of relationships that will work and others will fail miserably, there will always be someone offering something shinier and until I can find someone who is willing to polish the dust of what they have instead of running for shinier stuff, I will accept the pain that will inevitably come with new relationships.

 

Being in her life is out of my hands for now and I though I feel somewhat responsible for her well being, I know it is not my place for now to help her with whatever she might be going through down the road. I will continue to help myself until I reach a point of indifference towards her and I feel like I can be in her life without torturing myself. I wish her well with whatever she is doing and with whoever she is with. I hope she knows that she has a friend and family in me but for now I am taking an extended leave to better myself and try out new things.

 

Thank you guys from LS. As I have provided a home for this girl, you guys have provided a home for me where I know I will be appreciated. My hurt is not ridiculed and you treat everyone as your own. For that, I am thankful.

[Trimmer]

It sounds like you're making some good progress.

 

I wanted to address this one point from your last post:

Being in her life is out of my hands for now and I though I feel somewhat responsible for her well being, I know it is not my place for now to help her with whatever she might be going through down the road.

I know that feeling responsible from someone else is a noble and generous thing on the surface, and I don't want to question the sincerity of your feeling this way, but you might consider that this is just one more (kinda sneaky) way to not let go of your connection with her. You can say all the right things, convince yourself that you accept her departure, and that it still seems honorable and generous to still feel this responsibility, but do you see that it is still a connection with her, and that you need to work on letting go of this as well?

 

Also, note that you used the phrase "for now" twice in that sentence above. You are still hedging, which is understandable, but in the long run, as you correctly point out, your goal is to understand that she has moved on, and to reach a point of indifference yourself, so that you don't feel responsible for her, and you're not holding your breath "for now", while still quietly anticipating something in the future.

 

It's a process, and you will get there - it seems like you're doing great. As long as the trend is generally in the right direction - it may be slow, but you'll get there.

[JahnJahn]

I know that feeling responsible from someone else is a noble and generous thing on the surface, and I don't want to question the sincerity of your feeling this way, but you might consider that this is just one more (kinda sneaky) way to not let go of your connection with her.

 

I took some time to think about it and I realised that I was still holding onto some things, I still thought of buying her the pendant I promised her for her birthday etc but told myself If I remember that in a few months then I will do it. I suppose Im still working on letting her go but I cannot get the idea of being there for her at some point in her life out of my head.

 

You can say all the right things, convince yourself that you accept her departure, and that it still seems honorable and generous to still feel this responsibility, but do you see that it is still a connection with her, and that you need to work on letting go of this as well?

 

I think that is the hardest thing I am dealing with. I know her and I know her support structure. I know the people she ends up with and they are not good for her well being and her mental state. I just felt that I atleast brought some good things out of her and maybe if we became friends at some point, I could continue to be a good influence on her.

 

I know its still hanging on, but I am struggling in letting the idea of friendship go. It is not hurting me or torturing me but she is someone I feel strongly responsible for. Not out of nobility but just out of genuine concern.

 

Il just keep taking baby steps towards this. It wont disappear today or tomorrow but I know in time I will accept that she will find someone who will truly care for her, not just romantically.

 

Also, note that you used the phrase "for now" twice in that sentence above. You are still hedging, which is understandable, but in the long run, as you correctly point out, your goal is to understand that she has moved on, and to reach a point of indifference yourself, so that you don't feel responsible for her, and you're not holding your breath "for now", while still quietly anticipating something in the future.

 

I think her past relationships and what I know of her is a big influence on why I am still holding onto that thought. I know deep down that I am not going to be the only person in the world who will care about her, but its hard you know? Sometimes I imagine her getting into an abusive relationship etc and it just makes me wonder if she will ever be happy. Its out of my hands but I do wish I could truly be friends with her without feeling something romantic towards her.

 

It's a process, and you will get there - it seems like you're doing great. As long as the trend is generally in the right direction - it may be slow, but you'll get there.

 

Knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but not knowing when you will get there is exhausting. Im taking the days as they come and just accepting the rollercoaster I am on.

 

Maybe this may sound off, but I do hope she is doing better than I am and that she is happy. Like I said though, I am still trying to find my own happiness first and until I get there, I will continue to take babysteps.

 

Thanks for the reply

[Purepony]

Stop looking for reasons to go back and start moving on!

[JahnJahn]

Stop looking for reasons to go back and start moving on!

 

I dont want her back

 

But thanks.

[benzo72]

Look, i know first hand how you feel. But a long distance relationship like yours is hard on both. She has the "feelings" for this guy because he is there in her town right? Women need a guy there with them, you are not there in person. Im sorry but when a girl acts like what your saying, its never good. Jump ship before it sinks and takes you with it! I speak from expierence my friend. Im sorry

[JahnJahn]

Look, i know first hand how you feel. But a long distance relationship like yours is hard on both. She has the "feelings" for this guy because he is there in her town right? Women need a guy there with them, you are not there in person. Im sorry but when a girl acts like what your saying, its never good. Jump ship before it sinks and takes you with it! I speak from expierence my friend. Im sorry

 

She already broke up with me a while ago and now Im doing my best to move on.

 

I still love her but I know that we would never work out. What she wants in life is not something I can provide immediately. At first she was willing to wait but as you see, she found someone or is looking for someone who will give her a family with all its perks in the immediate future; if not now. I know I will never be enough for her and that is okay with me, she will find what she is looking for and I will do the same.

 

Right now, I am concentrating on my happiness (trying my hardest at least) and also making effort to let go of the friendship that I hoped we would some day have. Its hard because I care for her so much but I know I will eventually get through this.

 

Thanks for the post. Would you mind sharing your story with me?