frusciante Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Hi, So I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half, and although we did break up for a couple of months (my doing), I love her and I believe we are very good together. However, recently an ex of hers has started contacting her again by Facebook, text and Snapchat. He asked her to go round his house for a few drinks with some of his friends (which I wasn't okay about but she didn't really tell me about it until she was there so I couldn't voice my opinions until afterwards). I told her the next day that she needed to stop talking to him and she couldn't go round his because although I knew there were other people there etc, I knew that if it happened again it would probably just be them on their own and he would try something. She eventually agreed, although not without saying she thought I was being unfair and that they were just friends. This happened about 5 weeks ago and from what I know she had stopped talking to him. However, unfortunately we recently had a big argument. I went over to hers and we were talking through things and resolving it when he called her phone. She answered it and started talking to him and looked very embarrassed. From what I could make out it sounded like he was asking her how she was and if she wanted to come over. She said she was busy (didn't mention that she was with me though) and then ended the phone call. Obviously afterwards I asked her about it and she said he'd text a few days ago asking how things were going and stuff and they'd chatted for a bit but that was all. We then watched TV for the rest of the evening and I noticed that they were still texting, although I couldn't see what about, and I saw that he was snapchatting her, although I don't know whether she replied. I don't know for sure whether he was actually inviting her over on the phone conversation but the answers she gave seemed to point that way. and if he was, I'm pretty certain it means he's trying to get back with her. The advice I'm asking for is what to do about it. The way I see it I have the following options: 1) Tell her she needs to stop talking to him completely, and if she doesn't, that we're not going to work (effectively give her the drastic ultimatum of him or me) 2) Try and ignore it and just try my best to trust her to do the right thing - although I think this one would be the hardest to do I suppose it could also be conceived as the best as if she did cheat on me, I suppose it proves she wasn't the right girl for me 3) Try to make her see that while it's fine for them to text every so often, they can't actually be good friends or anything, and that she needs to be very withdrawn with him so as not to encourage him to try anything. My only problem with this one is this is something I'd hope she'd do anyway and she quite clearly hasn't Thank you for reading this, hopefully you'll be able to give me some answers Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 The advice I'm asking for is what to do about it. The way I see it I have the following options: 1) Tell her she needs to stop talking to him completely, and if she doesn't, that we're not going to work (effectively give her the drastic ultimatum of him or me) Yes this. 2) Try and ignore it and just try my best to trust her to do the right thing - although I think this one would be the hardest to do I suppose it could also be conceived as the best as if she did cheat on me, I suppose it proves she wasn't the right girl for me and 3) Try to make her see that while it's fine for them to text every so often, they can't actually be good friends or anything, and that she needs to be very withdrawn with him so as not to encourage him to try anything. My only problem with this one is this is something I'd hope she'd do anyway and she quite clearly hasn't Not going to work. You're setting up yourself for a good dose of torment if you try to give her some leash and then intervene when you suspect/feel/worry it's gone too far. That's what your instinct is telling you already NOW. So act on it, your gut usually is right. Put your foot down. Everyone and their grandma knows that "being just friends with the ex" doesn't work. It's a fairy tale made up by people who want their cake and eat it too or who don't know what they want. I suppose you and your GF are in the early 20ies. It's a tactic tried by many that age, both genders. I haven't heard of a single case of it working out. Good luck 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I told her the next day that she needed to stop talking to him ... She eventually agreed we were talking through things and resolving it when he called her phone. She answered it and started talking to him Okay... So you already gave her a second chance and she blew it. She lied when she agreed to stop talking to him. She went back on her promise, knowing how much it upset you. She clearly had talked to him in between telling you she wouldn't and this phone call, otherwise she would have simply ignored it, right? And then she carried on talking to him while she was with you watching TV??? Not only that but she talked to him right in the middle of an important discussion about your relationship. Is that how much she respects your relationship? She would interrupt a reconciliation to talk to someone that caused a huge rift, whom she hadn't talked to since the event that caused the rift in the first place? These are not the actions of someone who gives 2 short ships about your feelings or your relationship. I would go with... 4) Dump her and find someone who knows what a trusting, committed relationship means, and will treat you and your feelings with respect. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Womaneyezer Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 If the recent increased contact with her ex-BF bothers you (which it should), your best and only bet is the ultimatum. You see where this is going, I see where this is going. If she doesn't respect your wishes, simply don't date her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Yeah yeah, we're all just friends honey... 4) Dump her and find someone who knows what a trusting, committed relationship means, and will treat you and your feelings with respect. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 (edited) I see HUGE issues here! 1. She has no problem to break her promises and commitments. For her, a commitment is a foggy thing that she must keep only if it's comfortable to do so. 2. she doesn't tell you anything. Only if you ask her specifically, and only if you randomly hear a phone call, then you get a blur truth. and only when you question her, then she mention some previous chats with him. Now go figure how many times he called her when you weren't there? (a hint - a lot) 3. she lies. she tells you something and then when you investigate a little more - she adjusts her statement and change it, ignoring the fact that she actually lies. 4. She sees through you. She doesn't respect you or care about your feelings. After she agreed to stop talking to him, it was her responsibility to make sure that nothing will bother you or hurt you - but she's busy with surviving between her wills (to see him a lot) and between you pressing her. need i add the word "selfish"? I don't trust trickle truth tellers... sorry... You think that you have the control to make decisions, but she is more sophisticated than you. She will mislead and deceive you and wrap you around her finger. Edited June 5, 2014 by lolablue17 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 It looks obvious to me. Your being played. She is still interested in him that is why she does not say she is with you. She is disrespecting you and you are allowing her to do this. You cant tell her to stop talking to him. That is her choice to make. You can tell her you wont be with a woman that disrespects you like she is doing. You can tell her that if she continues any contact to him at all and is not open with her phone then your relationship is over with. You will never get respect from someone by being nice to them. You have to establish your boundaries and if she really wants to be with you she will respect them and be only with you. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 Once again, any female out there who ever whines at their boyfriend when he gets jealous of their male friends, come read posts like this. Sorry, the "just friends" thing is nonsense. Tell her, and tell her this today: him or you, period. Either all contact is cut from him, or from you. That is all you have to say. If she breaks it? You are gone, period. Not one single text, snapchat, she can't even send this guy a message in a bottle even if the chances are .00000001% he'd ever even FIND the bottle. That is what you do, that is..that is what you do if you intend to stay with her. I'd of dumped her for playing games and frankly: exes should be exes. They do not need to be in a persons life unless you have kids with them. Your ex was a friend before you dated? Too bad, that is why friends shouldn't hook up. Don't give her many choices, either she stops talking to him 100% or you are gone. I'd also say you want to see her send this guy a text message telling him to back off and that she has a boyfriend. Don't just tell her to send it, she needs to send it to him IN FRONT OF YOUR VERY EYES. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 Okay... I would go with... 4) Dump her and find someone who knows what a trusting, committed relationship means, and will treat you and your feelings with respect. This is the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
RemainUnchanged Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 dump her bro, she clearly doesn't respect you. Link to post Share on other sites
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