Need A Reality Check [update]

[JL123]

Hi all,

I have posted here a few times and read many of your stories. I am very thankful for a place to support each other and get advice from those that have been here. It is such a difficult place to be and not where any of up planned to be. I really need help and advice on where I am now and need to make a final decision once and for all on my situation. Bear with me, this might be long, as I want to provide as much necessary info.

 

MM and I met online. We were both married at the time and not happy. We both were just looking for something to augment our relationships, nothing heavy, just fun to make our home lives more bearable. (No lectures here please, I know this was wrong, we both recognize our faults here.) We both have children under the age of 10. I was much closer to leaving my H than he was. I was in the planning stages of leaving, not for MM, just leaving. Getting my ducks in a row, getting finances in order, figuring out where to live, etc. MM had no real plans to leave, but talked many times about how "we" would have such a great future together, with our kids, etc. The future faking was in full force.

 

About 3 months into our affair, we were in love. And then D-day occurred on MM's side. He told his W that he was seeing someone and while she was upset, she recognized their marriage had been failing over the last 5 years and took some responsibility for her part. She wanted to work it out and started counseling on her own to work on some of her own issues. He told her that he would stop seeing me, but he had no intention of doing so, and our relationship continued. He told me that he was "trying to figure out how to best handle leaving, breaking up the family, causing the least damage to his kids." He asked for more time to work things through.

 

About a month later, my D-day for me. My H found out and it very quickly accelerated my plans to leave him. I was out of the house and divorce papers filed within 30 days. While that is not how I wanted it to happen, it is good that it did. My H is a controlling man and breaking free of him has been a long process.

 

MM and I continued to see each other, and the whole time, he would tell me that he was working on a plan, his kids were the first priority, etc. He just needed a little more time, it wouldn't be forever. I would hear about their fighting, how they just didn't get along, how they should have never been married, how difficult his wife is, yet there was never a concrete plan of action to move forward.

Enter D-day #2 for him. His wife finds out we are still in contact, and she kicks him out of the house. He stayed with me for a few days (when I did not have my kids) but then he went back home to see his kids and ended up staying. And (you guessed it) working things out.

 

So we took a couple of weeks off, where I initiated NC. Told him I did not want to see him, talk to him, no contact. I was done. He understood and gave me all the "I love you, we will be together one day, I will work out my BS, I have to do this for my kids, etc."

 

NC lasted about 2 weeks. Here we are today and this is where I need help. MM is back. Yes, I caved. We have talked. We have seen each other twice. Yes, we had sex. I know, I am weak.

Before now, he has always said that he would be leaving his marriage because it was over. There was nothing left and it was more damaging to their family than good, more bad times than happy times, etc. He wanted to show his kids what love and affection was, not fighting and tension.

Now he says that he realizes he would be leaving her FOR me and he needs to know that I can live with that.

 

Here are my questions:

 

1. Is he just trying to keep me hanging on?

2. Is he trying to have me make the decision for him to leave?

3. Is this just another stall tactic and he has no intention of leaving?

4. Is he looking for reassurance that I will stick by him when he does leave?

5. If you were in my shoes, would you continue to see him or go back to NC until he actually leaves?

 

I don't mean to sound like an idiot here, but clearly I am confused because I have managed to get myself here and seem to have no self-control around him. I probably don't have to tell you the chemistry we have, how much fun we have together, how everything is amazing.

Please talk some sense into me!

Thanks for reading and for your insight!

Edited June 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[trailrunner1975]

Answers to questions 1-4: yes

Answer to question 5: go NC, like you no longer exist NC

I was kinda in your spot with my ex MW (I was a MM). Yes you should be confused; no you should not stand for it. Remember what made you go NC the first time? Lock that in your head and run like hell. Don't let anyone string you along and he needs to be taken off that pedestal. He is not special and there are 3 billion other men out there. Period.

[JL123]

Thanks for the response....

And one last question, if he does actually leave? I know it is a long shot. Part of me thinks his W will end up kicking him out. But if he leaves, then what?

I should also mention that we have now been in this A for 7 months.

[Lucygolds]

I am sorry you are hurting. I am slowly learning that everything about an A hurts. I wish I could answer your questions but, I am in a similar place. I am about 6 weeks out from our d day. His W found out and my H as well. I have seen exMOM a few times but we did not speak. Until the other day......He told me how hard it is for him, how heartbreaking it is to have to pretend that I am a stranger when I am not. Also, how many times he has cried for me. I did not say much in return, just kind of echoed his feelings. I am having all the same questions you are.....

 

Good luck and stay strong.

[txgrl]

MW here .

No, he will NOT leave . He is only going to string you along . Even if he does leave , chances are he will go back to her and his kids .

 

I KNOW because I thought and felt like your MM and many MM here . We become selfish and stupid and cowardly when in the throes of an A . And idiots, complete idiots !

 

Don't know how else to say it . Run for the hills !! If he gets divorced , he knows exactly where to find you .

[rosedl]

Pretty cowardly.

 

If I leave, I will leave FOR you. Translation: You are responsible for my actions, not me. You will be responsible for the hurt and betrayal I have caused, not me. And, stick the knife in....Can you live with that?

 

Can you live with the burden of destroying my family?

 

What a weasel.

 

Don't see him anymore. He is not a man of integrity. He cheated on his wife, and even after she found out, he continued to lie to her. Why do you think he will treat you any differently? You are not different.

[Speakingofwhich]

Jl123, I also encourage you to go NC. Getting out of an affair can be a journey for some. It's great when one is able to walk away and stay away but sometimes one walks away and ends up caving and getting back into the A.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it. You are learning how to deal with getting out of the affair and when we're learning anything new we often make mistakes.

 

I've been where you are with the exception that my exMM didn't tell me he'd be leaving for me, but rather for himself.

 

Although he still may do that, I've had to go NC as the situation was dragging on too long and the guilt, intolerance of him living in the same house with another woman, etc., was was taking a toll on me emotionally.

 

Prayer & reading my Bible helps me tremendously. I don't really see that mentioned much here but I mention it because it's a very practical help for me for survival while in NC.

 

Another thing that helps me is to think of the times when it was most painful while I was in the A.

 

The pain of being in the A began to outweigh the pain of being without MM.

 

But, getting to that place was a journey. You're on your own journey and getting to that place for you will happen when it happens. In the meantime (and afterwards) we're here to support you!

[trailrunner1975]

Thanks for the response....

And one last question, if he does actually leave? I know it is a long shot. Part of me thinks his W will end up kicking him out. But if he leaves, then what?

I should also mention that we have now been in this A for 7 months.

 

IF it happens it will be 15 yrs from now when she ditches him for someone else. Then you get to play the role of the backup partner. How does that make you feel? My ex MW played the same song and dance that your MM is doing. The song sucked so I hit the shuffle button and listened to my own tune instead. The fog cleared and I never wanted anything to do with her again. 7 months........you barely know this person. I had been best friends with mine for 20+ yrs and only met the real her at the end of the A. When I say run, it is for good reason as time is a wastin'.

[WasOtherWoman]

The worst has already happened... D-day. TWICE!!

 

D-day is the perfect opportunity for a wandering spouse to leave the marriage.... think about it. Yet, there he stays.

 

In my very humble opinion, if someone's affair partner does not take the opportunity of a D-day to leave the marriage, they never wanted to leave in the first place.

 

I am sorry you are hurting....

[JL123]

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

These are the exact words I need to read. It is certainly a journey. I go through some days where I feel like he really is my soul mate and I cannot live without him. Then there are other days when I think "If he is so in love with me, why hasn't he left yet? Do I want to be with someone who is able to continually lie to his wife?"

I have gone over it in my mind a million times. What we both did was wrong. We were cowards to go outside of our marriages to find happiness instead of dealing with the issues inside of our marriages, ending those first before starting something new. I am working on forgiving myself for that.

I look at MM and wonder how he can continue on living in deceit, how he can keep up the double life? When he is at work, he is calling and texting me all day long. When his wife travels for her work, we are talking non-stop. Then the weekend rolls around, and the silence is terrible.

We were in the middle of a deep serious conversation the other day about a situation at work (not even about us). Right in the middle, he says, "I gotta go" and hangs up. W came in unexpectedly. And it kinda hit me then. It will always be that way.

I know I am not telling you all something you don't already know. Then when I woke up today, he had already texted his usual "Good morning" and I didn't respond right away. And it wasn't that bad.

I have kept busy all day thinking - there are LOTs of other men out there. He won't change, will he?

The problem lies in this: each time I have gone NC with him, it makes him try harder to talk, see me or get in touch. Have any of you SLOWLY initiated NC? Like just been a little less and less available over time? Had more work commitments, more outings with friends, just been more busy, so that it is not so much like "Hey, I'm cutting you off" but more like "I have a life outside of you and I am busy."

 

I am wondering if this is a better route to take right now?

Or is that just setting myself up to fail and I need to make a clean break? I have tried that twice and both times got sucked back in. He would beg to see me and ....well, I caved. Mostly out of loneliness, missing the affection and companionship. Hard to go from talking everyday to nothing.

 

Your suggestions on this are very much appreciated!

[whichwayisup]

Your MM isn't looking to leave and divorce his wife, leave his kids behind and start a new life with you. He is happy staying married and happy to continue the affair. If you can accept your role as the OW, then stay. If you want more, then end it, grieve the loss and be on your own for a while. Getting out of a not so good marriage you'd benefit from being on your own with no man to rely on or make you feel good. People need that time to rid of old habits, grow as a person.

 

I hope you find the strength to finally end your A and stay in NC mode with your MM. If you stay, nothing will change and you'll get hurt.

[spiderowl]

Sounds like he's looking for reassurance that you will be there for him when he leaves. He's not going to leave otherwise. He daren't be without a relationship. Also, asking you if you can 'live with it', is a bit strange. Suggests to me *he* would feel terrible guilty and so wants to be sure you can back him up and support him in that.

 

I find it hard to know what to say as I can't bear these weak guys who play around in other people's lives, mess them up, then can't cope when it comes to it. They just haven't grown up. They want mummy to be there for them in the kitchen. If the old one might get angry with them and refuse to let them back, then they want to be sure the new mummy is going to be there instead.

[spiderowl]

Your MM isn't looking to leave and divorce his wife, leave his kids behind and start a new life with you. He is happy staying married and happy to continue the affair. If you can accept your role as the OW, then stay. If you want more, then end it, grieve the loss and be on your own for a while. Getting out of a not so good marriage you'd benefit from being on your own with no man to rely on or make you feel good. People need that time to rid of old habits, grow as a person.

 

I hope you find the strength to finally end your A and stay in NC mode with your MM. If you stay, nothing will change and you'll get hurt.

 

I agree with this. He's not looking to leave; he's feeling as if he might be forced to, either by you pressuring him or his wife finally losing patience. His comments which imply you are responsible are very telling. He's drowning in a difficult situation and, as far as I can see, a loose canon. It could go either way, whichever is safest for him.

 

I think as long as you are stuck on this guy, other possibilities will stay on the fringes or just not appear. Once you are mentally free to look outwards, you might see that the world is a different place and that there are lots of other opportunities which don't involve playing second fiddle to the rest of his life.

[SoftViolin]

This is exactly what he is looking for - reassurance that you will be there for him, if he does finally muster up the little bit of courage he has in him and leaves. He isn't leaving yet, mind you. But he wants to know he has you for a fall-back plan, if the post 2nd DD reconciliation doesn't pan out. Telling you he's leaving her for you, I agree, is a cowardly move. What a weapon to have to throw into someone's face at a convenient moment.

 

You do need to leave him. You do need to remember that there are other (single, even not cowardly) men out there. They may not try so hard to be so charming, but that's because they don't need to. They are not hiding an unsuspecting wife and children at home. I am not saying all MM are bad people, but they are weak people, indecisive, lacking conviction or courage. And because of that they all behave similarly.

 

You do not need a low level, disappearing contact with him. You are right, it will suck you right back in. It will drag on and on, become more and more humiliating. He is a coward. He cannot leave his family on his own. He needs your reassurance. Better yet, he wants both - them and you. If you cut contact, it will hurt like hell. It will be you closing this door on all the 'ifs' and 'maybes'. It will be so tough that you will feel as if someone ripped out your heart, right out of your chest. You will be so angry, you will make excuses for him, you will wonder if anything has changed for him, if he misses you. It won't be easy, but neither is what you are living right now.

 

He can't be strong for you, so you need to be strong for yourself.

[still_an_Angel]

He will D his wife to be with you. But if it doesnt work out with you, where will he shift the blame? He shoudnt use you as the reason for his D, thats putting the heat on you, his family will hate you. I vote for the NC option (easier said than done i know) but once he is actually free to be with you, you can cave in all you like.

[JL123]

Thanks everyone! Very helpful advice and insight. I know we tend to lose sight of ourselves in these situations so it is helpful to hear from you all. It is the forever long battle of listening to your head or your heart.

Looking forward to putting this behind me and moving on. I know there will be challenges over the coming weeks so I'll be here reading your stories and taking comfort knowing this great group is here to support. I cannot thank you enough! And I sooo look forward to the days when this is a distant memory, just a small blip on the radar...

[JL123]

I have had a confusing few days. MM has been asking for more time to get his family life in order and asking me to basically wait for him. Well, it finally hit me today....I had several big things happen at work and wanted to discuss it with him. I was upset and needed support....and afterall, he has talked all about "our future" right? He should want to know these things.

MM was not available. Not by phone, not by text. The longer I waited to hear from him, the more upset I became. And when I finally heard from him, he wasn't too concerned about my issue. I don't know what it was about THIS time, but something about his unavailability, his non-urgency attitude - it just sent me over the edge. He just texted non-important chit-chat and when I had enough, I said I had to run and he just texted back "ok luv ya!"

I didn't say anything, just left it at that. If I did, he would just turn the charm on again. So I think what bothered me the most was not being able to pick up the phone and call when I needed to talk. I know it is so simple and has been in front of my face this whole time and maybe until I had a challenge, I couldn't see it or was willing to accept what he was giving.

So not sure what to do from here. He is the type that if I tell him I am done, which I have done twice before, he comes on stronger and reels me back in. Although I may just be stronger now. Anyway, just had to share my revelation.

[beach]

How sad that you needed his support yet he wasn't available.

 

It is part if the way it goes. What if you were suddenly in the hospital? Would he stay with you? Comfort you and be able to be there for you?

 

Is it enough for you to leave it the same or have you thought of changing things?

 

I do think you deserve better and wish you wouldn't settle.

[Speakingofwhich]

JL123, I understand what you wrote about. The last time this happened to me was a few weeks before going NC.

 

Something deeply painful happened with my FOO and I wanted to talk with him (MM, now exMM) about it. Instead I called a gf and talked with her. By the time I heard from him I'd cried my eyes out with a gf and already processed it.

 

I thought then, "Something is really off here that I can't talk with the man who says blah blah blah (ILY superlatives) to me all the time when I really need him."

 

Then it seemed I began to notice incident after defining dysfunctional incident in our R. Things that I'd overlooked for so long I was no longer willing to overlook.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I have also experienced this unevenness, it is so painful. I hope you figure out how to proceed in a way that is for your greater good and increased happiness in life.

 

NC is damn hard, and each day is a struggle, but each day is just a slight bit easier than the day before. Just sayin.