I feel broken inside. My story..

[ShatteredHearts]

Hi everyone. I'm new to the forum and so very glad I stumbled across it.

So here we go:

 

I became friends with a coworker about a year ago. He's married, 10 years and no kids. I have been married 12 years and have two sons.

Our friendship grew. We got closer and went from an EA to a PA, first time for both of us. His wife doesn't know and I believe really doesn't have a clue. My husband has seen both of us in public together, and while I say we're just friends I know he thinks otherwise. My marriage is not good. He's a wonderful man, great father and is trying everything he can to make our marriage work.

 

We married young, I was 22 and he was 20. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. I feel like he's more like a best friend. I honestly don't even think I bet had those passionate feelings for him, I came from a troubled home and he was the first form of stability I had, so I latched on. I've always been flirtatious, liked attention, but never thought of straying, until I met him.

 

I have fallen head over heels in love with my AP (forgive me, I'm trying to get the terminology right!) We have a lot in common, and just click. The affair has been going on 11 months, but right now the physical piece has ended. Things were getting to a point where I wanted more. He said he did but was afraid to leave. AP is the type of man who can't stand to have people mad at him. Everyone has to be his friend!

 

Basically, he would turn his whole world upside down, upset both of their families and friends would be upset and I don't think he can handle that. Awhile back he said he made the decision to stay with his wife, that he owed it to her to try to make it work. Yet, he wanted to stay friends with me. I told him I couldn't, it hurt too bad. So I went NC and he freaked out. We have one mutual friend that knows, and he was constantly asking her how i was, that he knew I needed my time but he was afraid that I'd never come back.

 

Eventually after a week I caved. I couldn't take the pain. The emptiness I felt was almost unbearable. We hesitantly started talking again, total friendzone. Fast forward to Memorial Day, he had been drinking and called me, saying he wanted to be with me, it was more than just physical for him, he could finally admit that he wasn't happy in his marriage, etc.

 

I feel like a puppet and he's pulling the strings. We haven't been physical in a few weeks, we still chat every day but contact has been minimal. He told me we had to break the cycle, so we could think logically and not emotionally. He said he had to make a decision about what to do, that if he left it would be for him - which I agreed. I had said you leave bc you are unhappy, you don't leave for the other person.

 

I know deep down he won't leave her, no matter what he says. He may not be in love with her, but he's content and happy with their lifestyle. So what do I do? I'm miserable and my heart is broken. I want more but I can't sit around waiting on him. I'm moving forward with my separation,

bc my husband is a good man and deserves better than what I can give him. There is a small piece of me that is scared.

 

Scared that I'm walking away from a person who has loved me unconditionally, someone that has been there for me no matter what. I'm afraid I won't find that again.

 

If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. I'm sure it's a jumbled mess, kinda goes with how I feel inside. Can someone please tell me what I should do?

 

I love this man, but I know I can't be just friends with him. It hurts too much. I feel like he has me in limbo. First it was - we're done, we'll never be anything more than friends. Then I hear that he loves me, wants to be with me, but has to figure out if he's truly happy at home.

Sigh.

Edited June 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

I think you don't really have a choice in the matter until he is actually single.

 

If I were you, since you are now separating and need to sort out your life, I would cut off contact until he is finally divorced from his wife

 

You can tell him you love him just so he knows, but draw the line jn the sand. You deserve to be with someone single and who will be willing to provide you a real relationship.

[Speakingofwhich]

From what you've written your AP sounds confused. As it seems is natural at some point for most when considering ending a marriage.

 

You've described your husband as a good man who has loved you unconditionally and are not sure you'll be able to find that again. Imo you're wise to consider this.

 

Were you attracted to your H when you first were married?

 

My advice to you would be to go NC with your AP, then tell your H you've been involved with an AP but would like to give the marriage your all if he's willing. Then, if he is, get into MC and give your marriage all you've got.

 

If you give it time and effort and still don't want to be married to him, then release him so that both of you are free to pursue a R out in the open with someone else.

 

Keep in mind that it's possible that some of the attraction for your AP is the newness of the R and the illicit nature of the A. Only you can decide how much of it is that and it's possible it will be hard for you to make an accurate assessment from your perspective as a MOW.

[Sub]

I give you credit for going ahead with the separation with your H and letting him go. If I might ask, though, what was the reasoning you gave him for the separation?

[Quiet Storm]

I do think you will regret this. You are being led by your emotions, which is perfectly understandable when you are young & single. However, you are a married mom and should have your family's best interest at heart. This is what your MM is trying to get you to see by thinking "logically". It's sad that your poor kids lose out on a huge advantage in life (coming from an intact family), because of your personal quest for happiness. Sorry to be harsh, but I am an advocate for kids and divorce really does affect them negatively (unless it's a hostile home environment, which doesn't sound like is happening here).

 

I suggest you get intense therapy and work on your own issues, along with marriage counseling BEFORE you decide to divorce. You may discover through therapy that you don't really love your MM at all, and that your past experiences have actually drawn you to him in an unhealthy way. Getting emotionally healthy can make you perceive things very differently. I hope you consider that your wants and desires may be coming from an unhealthy and broken part of you- a part of you that can be healed and happy again. I think the circumstances you find yourself in are not as much about your marriage and the MM, as they are about you and your past. MM was your diversion and your escape, but he is not a long term solution. Happiness and feeling content comes from within.

[ShatteredHearts]

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate the insight.

To answer some questions, yes I was attracted to my

H when we met. I do still find him attractive,

I just have no desire to be intimate with him. At all.

I never experienced the passion or desire with him that I do with AP, or even previous relationships for that matter. Trust is a huge issue now, bc he has seen us together and knows we are friends. We've had plenty of ups and downs and i told him I wanted to separate to focus on me and find happiness, bc it wasn't happening at home. I hate it for my boys, bc I came from a broken home and k know what it feels like. I am in counseling. H goes too, we just go individually. It has helped, and a lot of my issues stem from my childhood, so I am trying to recognize that and learn from it.

[Speakingofwhich]

I truly hope you will go NC with AP and give your marriage a go. With a good marriage counselor and your IC I would think it would be worth it.

 

You do find your H attractive! That's a great start You can learn ways to get close to each other which would probably result in desiring intimacy. It's worth it for your family.

[Lucygolds]

I am sorry you are hurting. I am in a somewhat similar situation. Being that I married my H young. I was 21 when we started dating and 23 when we married. We have been together for a total of 15 years. My A ended about 6 weeks ago because his W found out. I confessed to my H and then I started hearing stories of things my H has done. At first I thought we could save our M but now I really don't know. He wants to sweep it all under the rug and I just can not do that. On Sunday my exMOM and I broke no contact. We had a very brief conversation. I almost feel like he was fishing for more information. Every thing about an A is hard and painful and oh so confusing. I wish you the best and wish I had better advice.

[Darren Steez]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

I think you don't really have a choice in the matter until he is actually single.

 

If I were you, since you are now separating and need to sort out your life, I would cut off contact until he is finally divorced from his wife

 

You can tell him you love him just so he knows, but draw the line jn the sand. You deserve to be with someone single and who will be willing to provide you a real relationship.

 

Isn't she in a real relationship? she's married..

 

She deserves to be with someone single once she's single herself, no? Have I got this all wrong..don't know maybe I have

[whichwayisup]

It would be a real shame to throw away your marriage without giving it your absolute best - For your kids sake. You could regret walking away without trying to really reconnect with your husband. You may never find another man who treats you as well as your husband. Passion eventually fades and what's left, that genuine love and respect is more important as life goes on and you get older.

I just have no desire to be intimate with him. At all.

 

Since your affair, or always? How long ago did your attraction die towards your husband?

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Isn't she in a real relationship? she's married..

 

She deserves to be with someone single once she's single herself, no? Have I got this all wrong..don't know maybe I have

 

She is continuing with seperation, so no, that isn't really married.

[jwi71]

I know deep down he won't leave her, no matter what he says. He may not be in love with her, but he's content and happy with their lifestyle. So what do I do? I'm miserable and my heart is broken. I want more but I can't sit around waiting on him. I'm moving forward with my separation,

bc my husband is a good man and deserves better than what I can give him. There is a small piece of me that is scared.

 

It IS scary. To be on your own with two sons - single parenting is not much fun. Its a MASSIVE adjustment for you, your children, your H - the extended families - its a lot to process.

 

I would URGE IC for you and the kids. I strongly believe it helps adjust emotionally to this.

Scared that I'm walking away from a person who has loved me unconditionally, someone that has been there for me no matter what. I'm afraid I won't find that again.

 

I would also hope that in your IC that you would explore your view of the M. Maybe find "something" to reconnect - and oftentimes its the ending of the A. But maybe it isn't. Maybe your M has run its course and its time to move on. And while certainly scary, is something myself and MILLIONS of others have gone through, grown and emerged BETTER from.

 

And yes you CAN find another partner just as good. Not the same. But good nonetheless.

 

I love this man, but I know I can't be just friends with him. It hurts too much. I feel like he has me in limbo. First it was - we're done, we'll never be anything more than friends. Then I hear that he loves me, wants to be with me, but has to figure out if he's truly happy at home.

 

You would not be the first OW to hear this.

Maybe he means it, maybe not. And by this I mean, he is maybe trying to R at home - or not. And its kinda hard to believe he is trying when still cheating. So...in sum...he lied to his W about the A...and he lies to YOU about R at home (because he IS cheating still).

 

Just something to consider...

[Darren Steez]

She is continuing with seperation, so no, that isn't really married.

They are still married, and OP never specifically stated she is divorcing, just "separating"..so yes under the law they are really really married until they divorce

 

It's that darn law thing...

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

They are still married, and OP never specifically stated she is divorcing, just "separating"..so yes under the law they are really really married until they divorce

 

It's that darn law thing...

 

No offense, but who cares about "the law" geez, the heart doesn't work according to "laws."

[lovinDKT3]

As a former wayward wife I can't say there will be a lot of regret down the road. I think when we get involved with other men it warps our way of thinking. It allows us to justify things that we could have never seen ourselves doing before.

 

As I got distance from the A and the AP I couldn't believe the things I said and did. All the assumptions I made about how my husband would react, the lies I convinced myself of most noticable was it was ok because H didn't love me, and that I would be ok with divorce because I didn't feel about him the way I use to.

 

Once reality hit fantasy and I was standing in my office holding divorce papers all those thoughts seemed so silly the feelings so far away. All I wanted was to fix it, to make it all go away and for H to stay with me.

 

We take for granted these men, thinking that we are in control of the outcome, that the decision is in our hands.

 

I would say to OP and all WW, please make sure. If you leave you marriage and husbands do so because its what's best for those involved and not for a chance to be with another man.

 

In many of the support groups I've gone to I've never heard one woman say she didn't regret decisions made in these situations. Many of the marriages ended, some didn't regret that and felt better and happy for. How they got there is what they regret.

 

Op I hope you can work yourself through this and find a happy life, leaving as few regrets along the way. You do that by following through and exhausting all options. At the end of the day you will feel better for doing all you could.

[SunshineToday]

Just wanted to chime in: as long as you have feelings for the MM you are not going to see your husband in a positive way. You need to seperate yourself from him and focus on you and your marriage.

 

You may begin to feel different once you cut contact.

 

Then and only then can you move forward with a clear head.