wife cheated me by having an affair.

[betrayedlove]

Sorry for long post but i need advice friends plz as my life is hell now.

 

I am an engineer who married the love of my life 1.5 years ago. We both are working employees. Everything was perfect and fine until a month ago and after our honeymoon.My wife would leave to office by 8am and I by 7:10am. Our sex life was ok as I ensured she never lacks anything in our marriage nor she ever complained. I would return back between 9pm to 10pm and she by 7pm approx.

 

A few months ago, two of my friends saw my wife in a coffee shop with a guy as they were holding each others hands on table and also roming with his hand on her shoulder. They didn't inform me immediately thinking it would crack our friendship. But they used to ask me always " is there any problem in your married life" and my ans was No.

 

Long story to cut off they told me about the other guy and my wife's roaming not only one time but 3 to4 times in different malls as they saw her and asked me if my wife has told me about her outgoing. I was shocked on hearing as I would always think she in office. After much arguements with my friends I decided to keep a watch on her and didn't confront her. She was at home acting normal but busy with phone sometimes as normal she was. When once again my friend informed me that my wife is in food court with same guy i called her office but was told she is in a busy meeting then I called her but no reply and then my friend told me she is purposely not picking up as he was observing her. I lost my mind andthen I hired a private detective to keep a watch on her and also she shouldn't know this because if my friends were wrong then my marriage would be in trouble.

 

.After days I was shocked to see her and that guys pic they were hugging, kissing on lips and were too close physically and the detective told me about her affair and that guy was her colleague working with her department. Moreover I came to know that she was on leave for a week while she told me she is going to bangalore for a company meeting not only that several days she was absent in office and a warning letter was issued to her. Worst is photos were also of her accompanying him to his residance (entering his building) by touching each others body and she alone leaving by evening.

 

I was devastated, hurt, exploded in anger, tears came crawling my eyes that time. How can she kiss someone when am alive?? She didn't even think of me one time while doing all this. How shameless she is even being married she is in an affair??I was a fool who wass planning to talk about having Our children. I cried that night but decided to stop being a fool.That day I stayed with my friends by 10:30pm she started calling me and my friend switched it off as I was not in mood.The next day I went home she was a stupid acting like she was worried about me but she came to know from my face something was wrong. I took bath and left house without seeing her face. I directly reached to a lawyers office and narrated my story and evidances to him along with my friends and then served her divorce papers by mutual conset in presence of my and her parents. I confronted her that time and threw the photos on her face when she denied. Everyone was shocked and I slapped and draged her out of my house and shut the door. I created a scene in the building in anger and also threw her parents out. I shouted if not by mutual conset then by Ipc(497) adultery I would file for divore in court. Even now my parents hate my in laws.

 

Now she has accepetd her affair and exposed it was a pre-marriage affair and physical relation with that guy including foreplay but denies having sex with him. She took leave from office to spend time with him when I was thinking my wife is busy in her work. Now She is constantly crying and begging me and my parents saying she made a big mistake and has nothing to do with that guy from now and such thing will never happen again. She had left her job and is pleading to live like a servant in my house and obey me but not to divorce her. Her parents too are requesting. Now she is complaining that she felt lonely as i was a workholic. she was also working then how come such lame excuse. I loved her a lot but she killed my love for her. I asked her If she was in love with him before marriage then why the hell did she marry me?? Her answer was she wanted to end it after meeting me which is a stupid excuse which destroyed my life.My life is ruined and I can't get over the fact of her kissing and foreplay with other guy it always strikes my head. I am dead set on divorce now. I married her loved her and and she was was in affair and cheated me and kept me in dark until my friends found out. This is what I got for loving my ex wife. Now I don't love her anymore nor I want to hear her excuses. I just want a clean divorce from her as early and my parents too are supporting me. Her crocodile tears have no effect on me. But she begs for a last and final chance. Her friends contacted me saying she is highly depressed and in suicidal tendency as all are hating her. She will be loyal from now to me and had broken all ties with other guy and realised her mistake. I replied them I can't believe all this as trust is vanished which is the base of a relation. So its better to kill this relation And told them to leave.

 

Am I right for being deadset on divorce because cheating cannot be ever forgiven by me?? She could have told me all this or after marriage she should have been loyal to me but betrayed me. I did everything to keep her happy and only got betrayed.

[happyman64]

BL

You made the right decision to divorce her.

 

You hav no kids. Wish her the best and move on.

 

HM

[betrayedlove]

Just 1.5years of marriage and we have no kids and I dont want to have any contact with her all I want is a clean divorce from her. She continuously floods my cell through calls and sms for forgiveness and I already told her I can't forgive her for such a mistake and moreover cheating is never a mistake. I can't change my number bcoz of offical uses and many of my office clints have my number. But I am losing patience as I get angry over small things and its disturbing my mental pace and working environment. She gave me hopes and killed it.

[BetrayedH]

Personally, I wouldn't believe that she didn't have sex with the guy. She's been with him since before you were married (which means years) and she's not a twelve year old that would just be holding hands. Once cheaters are caught in their lies and denials, they switch to minimizing (which is really just more lying and denying because she knows that having sex with him would be a dealbreaker for you). Of course, I could be wrong. But I doubt it. We see it too often.

 

The real problem is that she is still blaming you for her affair (saying you were a workaholic). That shows that she isn't truly remorseful. If it's your fault, why is she even sorry? I guess maybe she thinks you should apologize to her for her affair.

 

On top of all of this, you have a short marriage (during which you were betrayed the entire time) and no children.

 

Just get outta there. No reason for you to feel bad about it.

[atreides]

For your situation, yes, you are doing the right thing. I also concur with BetrayedH,

1. A "cheater" almost always minimizes what they did, foreplay in other words is sex, especially in her case.

 

2. She is not remorseful but desperate to normalize.

 

You for the situation at hand are fortunate you caught this very early on, without much assets or children and most of all years of memories that would come crumbling down a divorce makes much more sense.

[goumao]

similar situation to mine my friend. Hang in there. Divorce her, learn your lessons and move on with your life is my advice. good luck!

[gettingstronger]

I am a big fan of reconciliation and am doing so with my husband of 23 years but I would have to say, if he married me while cheating on me I would not be reconciling. I really can not pin down why I feel that way because you would think that cheating is cheating no matter what-but for some reason being unfaithful while uttering your vows seems so wrong to me-

[road]

you are married a short time, no kids, and young enough to start over.

 

 

Dump her.

[JohnMcClaine]

Am I right for being deadset on divorce because cheating cannot be ever forgiven by me?? She could have told me all this or after marriage she should have been loyal to me but betrayed me. I did everything to keep her happy and only got betrayed.

 

I'm sorry to read about your situation, but yes, you are doing the right thing. I have to commend you for having the strength to divorce. That seems to be a rarity on this forum after an episode of infidelity, as strange as that is, and it's refreshing to see someone doing the right thing for once.

[gettingstronger]

That seems to be a rarity on this forum after an episode of infidelity, as strange as that is, and it's refreshing to see someone doing the right thing for once.

 

 

Yes, because reconciliation is a cake walk- really?

[JohnMcClaine]

Yes, because reconciliation is a cake walk- really?

 

So he's not doing the right thing by divorcing his cheating wife? Am I missing something?

[bubbaganoosh]

The only thing you did wrong was slap her. Maybe you can get away with that where you are but in the US, you could have gone to jail for that.

 

I know your mad but hitting doesn't make it better. Just leave and be done with it.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she took a week off from work but told you she was going to be away on a business trip? Dude, she slept with this guy and A LOT!

 

She did a hell of a lot more than just kissing and foreplay. I mean, come on! She was away from the house for a week! Obviously, staying at this dude's house and sleeping in his bed! FOR A WEEK!

 

The one thing about cheaters is that they will tell you the bare minimum of what happened as to make it seem not as bad as what truly happened.

 

Don't buy into it, dude.

[betrayedlove]

I don't know what is right and wrong but one thing for sure I know that I am divorcing her. My marriage was a betrayal from the beginning itself as now she ruined my life.

 

I did all violent acts on her by beating and throwing her out of my house but that was in a heat of anger, emortions betrayal at that time.

 

She should told me all this then I would have cleared away myself from her path if she loved him and now why the bloody hell is she wanting me??

 

She should be happy that I let her go without creating any hurdles to her.

Am in the process of divorcing her for sure.

[Zahara]

She is wanting you because it's her security. And coming from that side of the world, I have to wonder if her adamant need not to divorce is because of the social stigma she is going to face as a woman. Regardless, her remorse is a little too late.

 

This was never a mistake on her part. The only reason why it's now a mistake was because she got caught.

 

Going away for a week -- yes, they had sex. You're doing the right thing. Stay strong.

 

PS: It's one thing to be angry and enraged, but it is never right to inflict a physical beating on someone. And I know it's condoned or at least tolerated where you come from but it doesn't mean you should do that. There are other ways to cope with your anger.

[Spectre]

I'm sorry to read about your situation, but yes, you are doing the right thing. I have to commend you for having the strength to divorce. That seems to be a rarity on this forum after an episode of infidelity, as strange as that is, and it's refreshing to see someone doing the right thing for once.

 

I agree, I both love and hated this story. I hated what this woman did to this guy, but I loved his response to her actions. It was the proper response. It is the response every betrayed spouse should have to infidelity. This post should be stickied and used for study on how to properly do things in a relationship that has suffered cheating.

 

To the OP: I feel for you, and I am glad you were able to get out and away from this horrible woman before she trapped you with some children. Good for you. Of course she will cry and say she is sorry and wants you back, but they are, as you said, crocodile tears. This women took a pre meditated betrayal of you with the whole "lying about being off of work" thing so yeah..she is crazy and disrespectful and you dodged a huge bullet. Thank God for your friends, they saved you from a very terrible fate.

 

Oh, and she definitely slept with this guy, the fact she had the audacity to imply otherwise is, in itself, a reason to kick her to the curb. This woman has given you ample reason for divorce, so do so as quick as you can.

Edited June 5, 2014 by Spectre

[Spectre]

Oh and one more thing no more slapping her, don't give people any chance to try to turn this around on you and say stuff about you now, like "oh he's abusive" and stuff. Let this woman be seen for what she is, though I can certainly understand WANTING to slap someone for treating you this way. So don't give them any fuel for that fire, the focus needs to be on her shady actions.

[Man Mountain Makino]

Am I right for being deadset on divorce because cheating cannot be ever forgiven by me?? She could have told me all this or after marriage she should have been loyal to me but betrayed me. I did everything to keep her happy and only got betrayed.

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

You two haven't been married long. I also personally feel that infidelity is a dealbreaker, but mostly because I don't think it makes sense to invest the time and energy to reconcile when I can just start up a new relationship and not have to pour that extra time and energy into a dubious proposition.

 

If I may say, you should do your best to restrain yourself and not get violent with a woman ever, unless she presents a physical threat to your life. Also, her parents did nothing to you, so though you may not want to have anything to do with their daughter, the mature thing to do is treat them respectfully. Once you divorce their daughter they may not want to have anything to do with you, but that's a different issue.

 

Good luck, bro.

[whichwayisup]

I am an engineer who married the love of my life 1.5 years ago.

 

with no children yet, and married less than 2 years, continue on to the divorce. As painful and awful this is for you, she cheated on you through your whole marriage, even before you two got married! she isn't worth fighting for as it seems your marriage never was taken seriously by her.

 

Sorry you're hurting. I hope you able to divorce as quickly as you can so you can grieve this loss and move on with your life. She doesn't deserve a second chance - I say that rarely as MOST do deserve that chance, but this A would still be on going if you hadn't had a heads up from your friends and hired a PI.

 

She is remorseful because she got caught, not because she turned your world upside down and broke your heart.

 

Peace to you.

 

Edit to add, I agree the above poster, do stay away from her and don't get violent. As much as it might kill you inside, DO NOT engage with her on any level. Join a gym and go punch a punching bag to get your anger out.

[Radu]

To add to what whichway said, she also dislikes the loss of status, seeing as how you live in India.

 

Also, personally ... the mental picture of her 'offering to come in and live like a slave', would probably turn off all love i would have for that woman.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I am sorry that you are in this situation and think that you are making a sound decision. However, I would like you to think of a couple of things to help you moving forward. I understand your anger, but feel that counseling would be a good idea to give you an outlet for these emotions. If you don't deal with these emotions or excuse them away, they could affect future relationships. Additionally, your work schedule does consume a lot of your time and can put a strain on any relationship. Don't let earning money to live a good life consume you to a point that you have no life. Best of luck to you.

[revelations]

betrayedlove,

 

I have to reflect what most are saying here and that is you are doing the smart thing by divorcing her. I dumped my xWW after 15yrs of marriage for cheating among other things. For me cheating is about the worse thing a woman can do to me in a relationship. To me each act of cheating holds at least 4 deal breakers and sometimes more to me. First deal breaker is that she had lied to me before the cheating took place. That lie can be simply not telling me that she wants this other man and yes to me a lie of omission is still a lie. Two is that she cheats, simple enough, no need to explain this. Third is that unless they come clean very quickly, they are lying each day by not telling me that they had sex with another man. Fourth and final that have put my life at risk for STD's, so I don't just take it as a betrayal I take it as an indirect threat to my life. So as you can see, I am not a big fan of staying with a cheater nor do I care what their excuse is.

 

Now as angry as I get at times with a cheating woman, I can never condone violence against them. Yes I can understand wanting to dot their eye or something like that, however ask yourself is it really worth it? You risk hurting your hand when punching her, or worse yet what if she actually does get a sever injury or dies? All these things spell trouble for you. Is a cheating wife really worth risking your own health and freedom over? Most of the times I will tell guys not to even yell at them. If you want revenge, you need to learn were to hit them were it hurts. Yelling at them or violence is not what is going to hurt them. After all you only make them feel like they are paying for their mistakes. For me if I am that dead set on hurting them back I would use a different tactic all together. I may yell a bit, however I would stay and make them feel that I am trying to work through his with them. After about 6 months, maybe more, when they are getting comfortable with the idea that I am not going to divorce them I would just up and leave. No reason, no note left, not address left, not a damn thing. The next communication they would get would be divorce papers from a lawyer. Doing something like this makes them feel like they are not worth anything to you. Of course doing it when they least expect it has the best results.

 

When I was married my xWW actually tried to hit me. Without hurting her or (surprisingly) myself, I had her arm pinned behind her back and her laying face down on the bed before she knew what happened. I just told her not to move and I backed out of the trailer we lived in and left for about a week. The only time I would justify hitting a woman is if she has a weapon and I have no way to escape. Other than that I would only be lowering myself to her level. Let's face facts, most men are much stronger and often have a lot more fighting experience than women. Women on the other hand do bully like some men do, however they do it differently, they do it through emotions. So men uses their fists while a woman uses her words and actions. Cheating is being emotionally abusive to the person that is closest to you. In a lot of ways it is much more cruel than hitting someone. After all if a woman hits me (yes even with the strength of a man) that wound will heal within a month or so. Heck the pain may go away within a few days. However when she cheats on you, that emotional wound will last a lifetime.

 

So remember my friend she is not worth hitting. Hell I would not even let her see me hit a wall or anything. Any action like this only goes to show her that you care about her. So remember, show no emotions at all. Treat her like a piece of meat that you dropped on the ground and are thinking about giving to the dog. Get out of her sight and away from her, then yell, scream, punch a tree or a wall. Just don't let her see any of this. Think of it this way, after she has cheated on you, do you really want to show her that you care about her? I know in my case the last thing I want her to think is that I actually care. So lay off the beating on her okay? Trust me she is not worth it.

[fellini]

 

I'm sorry to read about your situation, but yes, you are doing the right thing. I have to commend you for having the strength to divorce. That seems to be a rarity on this forum after an episode of infidelity, as strange as that is, and it's refreshing to see someone doing the right thing for once.

 

 

So he's not doing the right thing by divorcing his cheating wife? Am I missing something?

 

Yes. You are missing the distinction between a man (no need to de gender this, because it's ALL about GENDER postions) who met, dated, and married a woman who was continuously dating another man, and a man who marries, for example, a woman who remained faithful for say 10-15-20 years, and then entered into an affair. These marriages have histories and those histories are in cognitive dissonance in terms of the NOW and the THEN.

 

This OP has no such dissonance.

 

I agree with his decision to END his marriage BECAUSE his wife NEVER entered into this relationship 100%, not EVER This is not BECAUSE she cheated on him. You summarised your position by saying EVERY MAN SHOULD LEAVE A CHEATING WIFE. You clearly indicated by your response that any BH's who attempt to reconcile have not done the right thing. Maybe it wasn't your intention, but that is what you said.

 

And I agree with his distancing himself from her because she is now using the suicide card. That is a huge red flag that all her emotional issues are HERS and have nothing to do with her feelings for the OP. He should walk away and not look back.

 

There is a HUGE difference.

Edited June 7, 2014 by fellini

[Spectre]

Well yeah, every man should leave his cheating wife. Just like any woman should leave her cheating husband. This thread was a great example of someone recognizing they deserve better, most do not.

[stillafool]

You did the right thing by filing for divorce. If you hadn't found her out guess what? - she'd still be cheating. She is upset because you were the better choice for a husband and security but thought she could still sneak around with this loser on the side. She loved that guy if she was willing to put her new marriage on the line to cheat. I don't believe for one minute that they did not have sex and don't you believe it either. Her parents know she lost a good man that is why they are trying to get you to forgive her. Don't do it. She's a liar and a skank. There are so many good women out there who would cherish a man like you. Go get you one!