SoThatHappened Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 I'm going to try to keep this short. I'm 34 and was dating a 22 y/o girl with a 2-year old daughter. Tried to stay away from her at first just because of the age difference, but gave in and fell head over heels for her and her daughter over a 2 month timespan. She lives with her parents about an hour away. She would say how lucky she was to have found me, text and email and call all the time and we would see each other as much as possible. Then one day, the texts just went "short". It went from "I can't wait to see you, you make me so happy" to "Ok talk to you tomorrow." Turns out, her ex that lives in the same town wanted to get back together and she always wondered "what if", so she broke it off. I was devastated but loved everything about this girl so begged to stay friends. We called and texted for the next couple months, a lot at first, much less in the middle, then at the end of the 2 months she wanted me back. I was all for it. So, we got back together for 7 months, having an absolute blast and really clicking, and she and her daughter were staying with me 4 or 5 days out of the week. Then she wanted to move in around the 5 month mark, but I, knowing this girl can 180 any second (I honestly think she is bi-polar and left a lot out trying to make this short) said that I wanted more time. She immediately started pushing herself away, but kept up the "I love you, you're my soulmate" texts for another 4 to 6 weeks. Then last night... she's supposed to be at a friends while her mom is babysitting, but she doesn't call till way past when she should be home. So I call. No answer. Call a few minutes later, she answers and you could tell she is just peeved. I knew something was going on and finally got it out of here that she has been talking and flirting with a co-worker... the boss's son and she's the new receptionist. So I broke it off, told her to collect her stuff this weekend when I'm gone, and left it at that. Text from her this morning saying she's sorry, she loves me, she messed up, and that she will get her stuff Saturday. I said, "Ok, leave the key on the light next to the front door"... I did this after researching a little on this forum, which is awesome btw. Then a text 12 hours later saying "idk if this has all sunk in yet, not my best day... I hope you are ok..." I'm thinking NC but need that shove... Love this girl, fell hard, but man this is nuts. Thank you if you've read til this point!!! Link to post Share on other sites
flightplan Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 She hasn't really lived, she's young, has a kid... she's still a wild child at that age, not emotionally mature for someone your age. She doesn't know what she wants. I personally wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole. You're setting yourself up for one hell of a roller coaster of emotions if you continue to see her. Do you really see long term potential here??? Hug the cactus and let this one go my friend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoThatHappened Posted June 5, 2014 Author Share Posted June 5, 2014 Everything you said makes absolute total sense, and if I wasn't stung as bad as I am I would be telling myself the same thing... I sort of am telling myself that I guess. That's why I didn't want to see her at first... that's a big age gap and I knew it could be problematic. But, fell hard and we really got along well. I've cheated before, but not when I was happy with someone. Don't know if she actually cheated, but flirting/talking and being unavailable to the man you are supposedly head over heels for doesn't fly by me... and I just had that "gut feeling", you know? Don't want to screw up the rest of my life because my heart was broken for a few weeks. So weird to not reply to a text from her, but need to know I'm doing the right thing. Did NOT want to lose her, but don't want to be victim to whatever whim she may be on in another 7 months if we get back together. Again, great forum, and reading the dumpee posts followed by the advice posts helps a ton. Link to post Share on other sites
Amy74 Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 I'm so sorry that you're struggling with this... This is what I see...a young woman with a child who wants the stability you offer but isn't committed enough to be in a monogamous relationship. If you forgive her and let her back in your life these behaviors will keep happening--why wouldn't they, you always forgive. (sorry, not trying to be mean--just seeing it from her point of view). Want some sanity back? Get out now...NC is the way to go. Best of luck because you deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoThatHappened Posted June 5, 2014 Author Share Posted June 5, 2014 I have a ton of her stuff packed in the garage, which I told her I would do when we broke up over the phone. As mentioned above, she contacted me last night saying "she doesn't know if it sunk in, she had a rough day, I hope you're okay" I gave her no response. I told her over the phone I'd be gone Saturday to allow her to pick up everything without me there. Now, a text from her saying "I know you don't want to see me... so what time will you be gone so I can come get my stuff" I don't want to break NC, but I guess I just have to. So, looking for a little advice on how to respond. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoThatHappened Posted June 5, 2014 Author Share Posted June 5, 2014 Didn't get a response in time so just told her: "I'll be out of the house by 9 and gone all day." She immediately responds with: "Ok... I'll make sure I get everything... Thanks. I know you'll never rethink this and forgive me but I don't blame you.. I don't deserve it..... I'm so sorry." I'm not responding... Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 I'm going to try to keep this short. I'm 34 and was dating a 22 y/o girl with a 2-year old daughter. Tried to stay away from her at first just because of the age difference, but gave in and fell head over heels for her and her daughter over a 2 month timespan. She lives with her parents about an hour away. She would say how lucky she was to have found me, text and email and call all the time and we would see each other as much as possible. Then one day, the texts just went "short". It went from "I can't wait to see you, you make me so happy" to "Ok talk to you tomorrow." Turns out, her ex that lives in the same town wanted to get back together and she always wondered "what if", so she broke it off. I was devastated but loved everything about this girl so begged to stay friends. We called and texted for the next couple months, a lot at first, much less in the middle, then at the end of the 2 months she wanted me back. I was all for it. So, we got back together for 7 months, having an absolute blast and really clicking, and she and her daughter were staying with me 4 or 5 days out of the week. Then she wanted to move in around the 5 month mark, but I, knowing this girl can 180 any second (I honestly think she is bi-polar and left a lot out trying to make this short) said that I wanted more time. She immediately started pushing herself away, but kept up the "I love you, you're my soulmate" texts for another 4 to 6 weeks. Then last night... she's supposed to be at a friends while her mom is babysitting, but she doesn't call till way past when she should be home. So I call. No answer. Call a few minutes later, she answers and you could tell she is just peeved. I knew something was going on and finally got it out of here that she has been talking and flirting with a co-worker... the boss's son and she's the new receptionist. So I broke it off, told her to collect her stuff this weekend when I'm gone, and left it at that. Text from her this morning saying she's sorry, she loves me, she messed up, and that she will get her stuff Saturday. I said, "Ok, leave the key on the light next to the front door"... I did this after researching a little on this forum, which is awesome btw. Then a text 12 hours later saying "idk if this has all sunk in yet, not my best day... I hope you are ok..." I'm thinking NC but need that shove... Love this girl, fell hard, but man this is nuts. Thank you if you've read til this point!!! You seem to be emotionally very stable. It's great, in all honesty. I'm sorry about what you're going through, but you did it all right. Now move on. Seeing that you are so mature and grounded, I'm sure you won't have any problems. It's just hard at first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoThatHappened Posted June 6, 2014 Author Share Posted June 6, 2014 Thank you, Elle. Good to hear some encouragement, ya know? I want to do things the right way. Like I said, I fell for her and the feeling was mutual, and I am still coming to grips with how this happened. But, I feel 100 times better this time around compared to the first, even though she had justifiable reasons the first time and absolutely shallow reasons this time. After her "Ok... I'll make sure I get everything... Thanks. I know you'll never rethink this..." ... text, I get this a little while later: "This is really how it ends..... Huhhh .. OK (my name). Bye" I'm done Link to post Share on other sites
considerthis Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 You already know that she's too young for you. If it helps you on your bad days (because there will probably be some bad days ahead if you fell for her as much as you say), consider that if you were ever to be together again, it would have to be years from now after she's grown up and has lived a lot more. In the mean time, make yourself into a great person. If you have flaws that come up in relationships, now is the time to address them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoThatHappened Posted June 11, 2014 Author Share Posted June 11, 2014 Left all of her stuff in the garage for her to pickup on Saturday and I was out of the house. Blocked her # but she still left a voicemail saying: "I can't believe you threw away food for the house and (her daughter)... that was really low of you... blah blah blah Then ending with: "I know I screwed up and you don't want anything around to remind you of me.... (long sigh)... have a good life" The "food" I threw away was probably $10 worth of stuff. However, she left the actual food in the dumpster but took the otter pops and soda... really healthy for her daughter... ugh I didn't contact her in any way, then got an email from her this morning basically saying she knows she screwed up and still loves me and always will but not asking directly for reconciliation. I want to respond telling her that I loved her and her daughter and sorry things didn't work out, but I don't want to open Pandora's box either. Any advice would help... Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 After her "Ok... I'll make sure I get everything... Thanks. I know you'll never rethink this..." ... text, I get this a little while later: "This is really how it ends..... Huhhh .. OK (my name). Bye" I'm done Dude, she was fishing. The first text was to put you on a guilt trip and the second was disbelief that you didn't buy into it. She's not sorry for cheating. She sorry she got caught. You were her safety and security. I speculate that you're going to hear from her again, especially when things start to get tough and you're not there to give support and take care of things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoThatHappened Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 Over the weekend I was pretty down and was drowning my sorrows with a bottle of Gin Saturday night. Got a call from the ex's sister telling me that her sister is "stupid" and that I'm much better off without her. I was shocked, but it felt good to hear coming from my ex's closest sister. Every single one of her family members loved me, even the aunt who "never liked anyone she dated." When we first got together this last time, her mom and sisters would say horrible things about her, in front of her and me. I saw it as a red flag, but just thought that they were being mean to her. Makes more sense why they said it now. I've been NC for a week and getting back to normal. Lost about 10 pounds (that I couldn't afford to lose!), and clothes are falling off of me again. However, back to eating today and no boozing. Exercising soon and getting my weight, sanity, and health back. Ugh, I wish I never would have met her, but am becoming thankful to learn so much from this. Can't believe I overlooked SO MANY red flags with this girl. Thanks everyone on here, such great people. Really Link to post Share on other sites
ThorntonMelon Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 You're a good dude. Remind me a lot of myself actually, including your situation. You can only be a great guy, you can't make others treat you great. But you can hold them accountable when they don't treat you right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 I honestly think she is bi-polar. Perhaps she is bipolar, STH. You've described her in other threads as being "unstable." Significantly, the two most common causes of instability are strong hormone changes (e.g., pregnancy, puberty, and perimenopause) and drug abuse. Yet, because you believe she is NOT abusing drugs and does not appear to be pregnant, I note that the two remaining, common causes of instability are bipolar disorder (as you suspect) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I mention these two disorders because the behaviors you describe -- rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), verbal abuse, controlling behavior, and lack of impulse control -- sound like they are closer to the warning signs for BPD than to those for bipolar. If you want to know whether your Ex has a full-blown disorder, you would have to take her to a professional and hope that he would get her permission to tell you the diagnosis. Only professionals have sufficient training to perform a diagnosis. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the warning signs for these two disorder if you take a little time to read about them. There is nothing subtle about red flags such as strong verbal abuse and rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde. I therefore suggest you read my description of the differences I've seen between typical bipolar-1 behavior (e.g., my foster son) and BPDer behavior (e.g., my exW) at 12 Differences. You also may want to take a look at my list of typical BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If those discussions sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of BPD warning signs in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you -- and I suspect Radu would be glad to participate in such a discussion because he has much experience with BPDers. Take care, STH. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoThatHappened Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 You're a good dude. Remind me a lot of myself actually, including your situation. You can only be a great guy, you can't make others treat you great. But you can hold them accountable when they don't treat you right. Thanks, man. And you're absolutely right. I am who I am and she did what she did. Time to move on, improve myself, thank GOD I dodged that bullet, and find the right woman. Actually glad I experienced this now. Learned so much! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoThatHappened Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 Downtown, Again, thank you so much for taking the time to provide valuable insight and information. I've read the links to the threads you posted, and I'm not sure where she fits, if anywhere. Part of me wanted to paint her as having some sort of disorder, just so I could make sense of what she's done the past 5 years. That same part of me wanted to be able to say I was the "victim" of a mentally ill person so I could rationalize her behavior toward me. Her leaving what she had with me was the absolute opposite of logical in my mind (and my friends and her family agree). However, I don't know where she fits in with bi-polar/BPD or any other disorders. I can accept that she may or may not be able to be diagnosed with anything. The things she's done are so irrational, to me, that I've wanted to make sense of it. I really wish I could sit down with her in front of a professional. I wish she could divulge every part of her past and our relationship. I wish someone could explain why she's done what she's done. I wish she could realize things and put forth an effort to change for her benefit. But, that's probably not going to happen and I need to just... let go. It's not easy to let go when I want to know what the problem is. I'm an engineer and that's what I do: find solutions and fix things. Drives some people crazy. I'm done. Chalking this up to "lesson learned." Care about her and her daughter, but I'm not going to let it be my focus anymore. So glad I didn't get trapped by this. So glad we don't have a permanent tie (i.e. children). So glad I learned about so many red flags and can use this education in future relationships. This is an amazing forum full of amazing people. I can't thank everyone enough for the insight, advice, sympathy, and information. I've learned more in 2 weeks than I could have learned in a lifetime. You guys and gals are awesome!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoThatHappened Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 (edited) Just got this email after 7 weeks of NC: "So I know you don’t want to hear from me but I just got registration confirmations for the Mud Run on the second and I didn’t know if you needed me to cancel those, or forward them to you or whatever… also I still have your DVD’s and Killing Lincoln… I will get those to you.. I may have to pick up (her daughter) in (my town) on Sunday so I can leave them on your door step.. let me know. Uhmm.. I hope you’re doing good…" What the heck? I don't want her leaving anything on my door step. I don't want her around me ever. I DON'T... really really don't want to break NC! I've been doing so much better but I guess I need to respond telling her to NOT come to my doorstep. She can throw the DVD's away and burn the book for all I care. The DVD's are family home videos, but other family members have copies. Edit: Just realized there's absolutely no reason she would have to pick her daughter up from my city! There's no one up here she or her family know. Advice, por favor Edited July 25, 2014 by SoThatHappened Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 If you don't want to break NC...don't! You have no obligation and don't owe her anything. She is playing like she is doing you a favor, but it seems really self serving... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoThatHappened Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 If you don't want to break NC...don't! You have no obligation and don't owe her anything. She is playing like she is doing you a favor, but it seems really self serving... I know, but I also don't want her showing up at my house. I don't want to have to leave my house all day Sunday either. I guess I could go fishing all day long... Ugh... why couldn't she just mail the damn DVD's like she said she would right after we broke up? This is around the time she rinses/recycles/repeats with every guy she's been with for the last 2 years, except she graced me with her presence for 7 months... man I'm a lucky guy:rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoThatHappened Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 Panicked and wanted to respond to her before she leaves work. I know she gets off early each day, and did NOT want her coming to my house. I just said: "I just fixed the tickets, sorry about that. You shouldn't be getting emails anymore. Just ignore them if you do. You can keep the book, really, I've already replaced it. Also, just toss the DVD's as sis and mom both have extra copies. Thanks for offering though and I hope everyone is doing well." I want to tell her to eat ***** and die, but I don't want to open up a dialogue. I just bit my tongue as I wrote that, and acted like I was emailing a male friend. Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 That was a dignified response and you did well not to leave the door open for further communication, ignore if she continues contact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Just stop. you're old enough. Please stop. She is bad news, from here to China. Just go no contact. edit: sorry, I haven't read the last part of thread. good job at telling not to pass by, and good job at keeping no contact. You'll be fine 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoThatHappened Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 That was a dignified response and you did well not to leave the door open for further communication, ignore if she continues contact. 10-4 on that... thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoThatHappened Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 Just stop. you're old enough. Please stop. She is bad news, from here to China. Just go no contact. edit: sorry, I haven't read the last part of thread. good job at telling not to pass by, and good job at keeping no contact. You'll be fine Interested to know where you stopped reading to send that first part of your message! Nah, it's OK. I did go no contact and it's been 7 weeks. Does contacting her to avoid her count as contact? Do I have to start the clock over now? Just kidding, don't care anymore. Man I love this site... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Aww...just read the first message and knew she is a mess. You know what? I do think you're over her already and there's no need to keep the no contact strictly as no contact. It's obvious you know she is trouble, and you've moved (So jealous of you right now!). Just ignore if she contacts you, and be sure you have none of her belongings. You've made the right decision breaking up with her. I've seen so many broken souls on here, trying to grasp the last hope of a relationship that's clearly unhealthy. Good for you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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