I was contacted after some time of NC

[toolforgrowth]

Interested to know where you stopped reading to send that first part of your message! Nah, it's OK. I did go no contact and it's been 7 weeks.

 

Does contacting her to avoid her count as contact? Do I have to start the clock over now?

 

Just kidding, don't care anymore. Man I love this site...

 

Normally I would say yes, but not in your case. This was really a matter of choosing between the lesser of two evils, and I think you picked the lesser evil appropriately. You were mature but took away any excuse she may have had to come to your place, which is preferable.

 

I look at it like she was fishing. If you had been excited for her to drop by, she knows she'd know she still has you. You essentially said, "You no longer have any excuse to come here anymore". You spoke from a position of power.

 

Just make sure to ignore any future attempts on her part. You've set boundary that you don't wanther near your place; it's on her if she ignores it.

 

Ya done good.

[SoThatHappened]

Aww...just read the first message and knew she is a mess.

You know what? I do think you're over her already and there's no need to keep the no contact strictly as no contact. It's obvious you know she is trouble, and you've moved (So jealous of you right now!). Just ignore if she contacts you, and be sure you have none of her belongings.

 

You've made the right decision breaking up with her. I've seen so many broken souls on here, trying to grasp the last hope of a relationship that's clearly unhealthy. Good for you

She is a mess to say the least... she messed me up pretty good too. Not over her, still have a twinge here and there, but will do whatever I can to keep from opening communication again.

 

We've always lived an hour away, although she practically moved her and her daughter in for 4 months. I spent 4 hours the night of the breakup getting every possible thing of hers out in the garage. I found a baby monitor the other day, and didn't think twice while tossing it.

 

And thank you, btw

[SoThatHappened]

@toolforgrowth,

 

I was wondering if she's fishing too. I know she got the email regarding the tickets as I got it right before as well. She's not lying there.

 

But, why offer to drop off the book and DVD's in person? She could have mailed them weeks ago. She's a receptionist... that's what she does all the time. She couldn't sneak a personal package in with the outgoing mail?

 

That's why I think she may have been fishing. Either way, as hard as I fell for that girl, and as much as she hurt me, I know being with her was probably the biggest mistake I ever made. But, I've learned so much from that mistake, so I don't regret it.

[SoThatHappened]

Just got a text tonight, around 9:30 PM my time, from the ex:

 

"I know you don't want to hear from me... and I shouldn't even be reaching out... But you are heavy on my mind... I hope you are doing OK. It's been a while and I'm sure you are fine by now but I just want you to know I am so sorry... for everything I did to you. I didn't deserve that. I honestly never meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry Ryan and I hope you are doing ok."

 

I was pretty damned surprised to get it. It's been over 3 months since the breakup, and over a month since the last time she contacted me for stupid BS posted above. I truly have accepted the fact that it is over and that we have both moved on.

 

I sort of knew I'd hear from her again, as this is her typical rinse/repeat timing, but it really wasn't on my mind anymore.

 

I'm definitely past the heartbreak, thank GOD! Still have feelings for her, of course, but I've made it through to the other side.

 

My question for the veterans is: Do I respond at all?

 

I want to respond with something along the lines of:

 

"Thanks for the apology, but it's not necessary anymore as we've both moved on. I hold no hard feelings or ill will, it's in our past, and I wish the best for you. I don't want to open a dialogue, we've both said our peace, and we can really let this go. Take care of yourself."

 

That is honestly how I feel. I'm done with it. That's why I want to say I don't want to open a dialogue. I really just want it to be in the past, and I feel that not responding will just drive her to the point to contact me again if I don't cut it off.

 

Advice... please.

[Downtown]

Do I respond at all?

Ryan, I see no harm in sending such a response. But I see no benefit either. If she is as unstable as you describe, she likely never developed a strong sense of "object constancy." That is, she probably doesn't see people as having essentially the same personality from week to week. Instead, she greatly changes her perception of them as her moods change. If so, this means it is impossible for you to build up a lasting image or a store of good will. Given this, and given that she cheated on you twice, I suggest remaining NC.

[SoThatHappened]

As usual, thank you Downtown. Your advice and information has been a huge help to me in the few months I've been here.

 

I re-read the 18 warning signs you'd posted in another thread, and I just keep saying "check" after I read each sign.

 

I know better than to get involved again. That's not going to happen.

 

I guess I might just be experiencing that high of getting contacted. I've seen other posts and even threads wanting a breadcrumb, and I admit that it felt good to get one.

 

However, it has also brought her to the forefront of my thinking now. She hasn't been at the forefront for a while, and I have been doing well as a result.

 

I feel good about how I left the situation (even though I was rejected). I don't think I could have handled the relationship, breakup, and post-breakup any better than I've handled them. I don't want to open up a door that makes her think she can contact me anytime though.

 

I agree with you. I will remain in NC.

Edited September 7, 2014 by SoThatHappened

[tory1012]

I've just been reading through your thread! I'm not NC atm but I will be picking up the rest of my stuff on Saturday and then I will start complete NC. Also I will write a journal each day on this sight as to how i felt.

 

You give me hope! Are you still doing okay? There was no cheating in my relationship just alot of lies from my side. So i suppose its good to realise what was wrong and what didnt work and move on.

[SoThatHappened]

Tory,

 

I remember posting on your latest thread.

 

First off, I'm sorry about what you're going through. I have some advice about picking up your stuff if you want to hear it.

 

I'm glad I give you hope! Seriously one of the best responses I've had to any of my posts. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you WILL get past this I swear to you.

 

I'm doing alright. I'll always love her, no doubt about it, but I'm past the worst phase (as you will also be soon enough). I just want to know how to respond or if I should respond at all. I want to be loving in the response while squashing any thought of us getting back together. I have a perfect response in my head, but as you probably know from the veterans here, what the dumpees think is right isn't always the case.

 

Also, NC is for you to heal and move on. Nothing else. It's not the end-all be-all solution for everything. Once you get your stuff back, initiate it for YOU and we will be here for you.

[tory1012]

Thanks it is really horrible knowing how much I added to the break up.

 

The first thing is actually accepting that it is over.

 

What is your advice? I'm open to anything.

 

I'm very glad that you feel better too!

[Chi townD]

Just got a text tonight, around 9:30 PM my time, from the ex:

 

"I know you don't want to hear from me... and I shouldn't even be reaching out... But you are heavy on my mind... I hope you are doing OK. It's been a while and I'm sure you are fine by now but I just want you to know I am so sorry... for everything I did to you. I didn't deserve that. I honestly never meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry Ryan and I hope you are doing ok."

 

I was pretty damned surprised to get it. It's been over 3 months since the breakup, and over a month since the last time she contacted me for stupid BS posted above. I truly have accepted the fact that it is over and that we have both moved on.

 

I sort of knew I'd hear from her again, as this is her typical rinse/repeat timing, but it really wasn't on my mind anymore.

 

I'm definitely past the heartbreak, thank GOD! Still have feelings for her, of course, but I've made it through to the other side.

 

My question for the veterans is: Do I respond at all?

 

I want to respond with something along the lines of:

 

"Thanks for the apology, but it's not necessary anymore as we've both moved on. I hold no hard feelings or ill will, it's in our past, and I wish the best for you. I don't want to open a dialogue, we've both said our peace, and we can really let this go. Take care of yourself."

 

That is honestly how I feel. I'm done with it. That's why I want to say I don't want to open a dialogue. I really just want it to be in the past, and I feel that not responding will just drive her to the point to contact me again if I don't cut it off.

 

Advice... please.

 

 

 

Okay, respond or not.....Well, why are you in NC in the first place?

 

 

Because, she lied to you and was out on a date with the bosses son while she was still supposed to be your girl. She put more of a value on going out on a date with this dude rather than being faithful to you. He asked her out and she said "yes" without any regard to you or your relationship. Without any regard on your feelings if you were to find out. She felt it was worth the risk.

 

 

Now, after reading that, do you still feel like writing her? She made the choice to go with another dude. That was HER choice. Whether that was a mistake, that's a mistake she'll have to live with, because you don't have to.

[mightycpa]

so, just curious... ex = baby daddy? or someone between biodad and you?

 

If you text her, I'd include something definitive like "please don't contact me anymore." She does not seem to pick up on the clues you've been leaving.... or, considering you keep texting her back, maybe she is.

[SoThatHappened]

Okay, respond or not.....Well, why are you in NC in the first place?

 

 

Because, she lied to you and was out on a date with the bosses son while she was still supposed to be your girl. She put more of a value on going out on a date with this dude rather than being faithful to you. He asked her out and she said "yes" without any regard to you or your relationship. Without any regard on your feelings if you were to find out. She felt it was worth the risk.

 

 

Now, after reading that, do you still feel like writing her? She made the choice to go with another dude. That was HER choice. Whether that was a mistake, that's a mistake she'll have to live with, because you don't have to.

See, that's why I wanted the veterans to respond. Reading that and being reminded of it just p!ssed me the F#$% off.

 

Screw her. She doesn't deserve a response, nor does she deserve to assuage her guilt.

 

I gave that girl everything, gave up everything for her, and did more than anyone else would've done for her. Still after all of that, it wasn't good enough?

 

Thank you, Chi. You're the man.

[SoThatHappened]

mightycpa,

 

I really value your opinion and was hoping you'd reply to this thread.

 

Regarding your question, I need to provide a timeline in order to keep her relationships straight.

 

- Got with baby daddy, got pregnant a month in, broke up a month later.

- With at least one guy I know of while pregnant and after having her daughter.

- Got back with baby daddy for 2 months

- Then pursued me, and was denied

- Met someone online, got engaged to him within 2 months, broke it off a month later

- With me for 2 months

- Left me for an ex from high school that lives in her home town

- Left him after 2 months to get back together with me (for 7 months)

- Strayed on me, and is now trying to get back into my life after 3 months.

 

I stopped all contact as soon as we broke up. There were housekeeping things I had to coordinate like her picking up the sh** ton of stuff at my house, and that was it.

 

I contacted her about 6 weeks ago to tell her to NOT come to my house.

 

So I haven't really been texting her back at all.

[mightycpa]

mightycpa,

 

I really value your opinion and was hoping you'd reply to this thread.

 

Regarding your question, I need to provide a timeline in order to keep her relationships straight.

 

- Got with baby daddy, got pregnant a month in, broke up a month later.

- With at least one guy I know of while pregnant and after having her daughter.

- Got back with baby daddy for 2 months

- Then pursued me, and was denied

- Met someone online, got engaged to him within 2 months, broke it off a month later

- With me for 2 months

- Left me for an ex from high school that lives in her home town

- Left him after 2 months to get back together with me (for 7 months)

- Strayed on me, and is now trying to get back into my life after 3 months.

 

I stopped all contact as soon as we broke up. There were housekeeping things I had to coordinate like her picking up the sh** ton of stuff at my house, and that was it.

 

I contacted her about 6 weeks ago to tell her to NOT come to my house.

 

So I haven't really been texting her back at all.

 

Gotcha. So, you've basically moved to the "suffer in silence" stage. Good for you. As you know, it just takes a little time and effort. Or a lot, depending on where you are in the process.

 

Writing down this laundry list alone must have strengthened your resolve!

 

- Got with baby daddy, got pregnant a month in, broke up a month later.

- With at least one guy I know of while pregnant and after having her daughter.

- Got back with baby daddy for 2 months

- Then pursued me, and was denied

- Met someone online, got engaged to him within 2 months, broke it off a month later

- With me for 2 months

- Left me for an ex from high school that lives in her home town

- Left him after 2 months to get back together with me (for 7 months)

- Strayed on me, and is now trying to get back into my life after 3 months.

 

Keep up the good fight!

[me85]

The age difference is a big deal no matter what anyone says. At 22 did you really know what you wanted? You're more confused when you're young.

 

It's a fact. I said more confused. I know you can be confused at any age but more so when you're younger.

 

That's no excuse because I was a hell of a lot more mature and responsible when I was that age and younger. She has a child and really needs to focus on being a stable parent for her child...Not jumping from guy to guy...wrongly going about how to find a father for her child.

 

You should end it with her. There are paths you will not be able to guide her down and she certainly isn't emotionally mature enough to help guide you either. So what's the point in continuing a dead end RS?

 

To keep circling the cul de sac again and again??? That's the very definition of insanity.

[SoThatHappened]

me85,

 

You're exactly right. She needs to focus on being a stable parent instead of screwing around with a new guy every couple months. I was able to tell her that when we were breaking up over the phone. She's not only screwing up her life, but her daughter's as well. It's sad, really.

 

I ended it with her over 3 months ago. I've received a few breadcrumbs since, but she knows she hurt me and knows that it was all her fault. I also haven't given in to her breadcrumbs. The only contact I've had with her in 3 months is to tell her to not give some of my stuff back. I didn't want her showing up to my house, whether or not I was there.

 

It really is nice to be able to say that I did absolutely nothing wrong. I know that's pretty rare, but she couldn't even come up with a single thing I did wrong when we were together.

 

I don't mean that I did everything perfectly, but I didn't do a single thing that I could be blamed for, if that makes sense.

 

She was able to come up with a million things wrong with her previous boyfriends. She's got nothing on me.

 

I think that's why I was so shocked and hurt from this. I even kept saying over the phone during the breakup, "I can't believe you would stray." I said it over and over in an exasperated way, because I truly couldn't believe it.

 

I fell hard for that girl. Still can't believe how hard I fell. I'll always love her, which is crazy, but she got to me. Now I just want to continue to move forward with my life, and I'm really doing great at that and getting over her. I'm even ready to date again.

Edited September 8, 2014 by SoThatHappened

[Chi townD]

Now I just want to continue to move forward with my life, and I'm really doing great at that and getting over her. I'm even ready to date again.

 

Whoa dude! I'm glad that you think you're making good progress. But, it's only been three months. These things do take time to get over. You're only talking three months with contact from her within those three months always knocking you back a little in your healing.

 

 

In my opinion, work on you for a while. I mean, what positive changes have you made since the break up? Girls are going to be around, they're not going anywhere. Heal fully from this first. Because if you think you're ready to date and then you start dating only to find out that you're not as ready as you thought, well...that's not fair to the girl that agreed to spend time with you now is it?

[SoThatHappened]

I hear ya, Chi. I do believe I'm ready to date again, though.

 

I tried dating immediately after the first time this girl broke my heart. That was a mistake and I've learned from that.

 

When I tried dating, I was a wreck inside. I'm no longer a wreck inside, and I have completely let go of thinking I will ever get back with this ex.

 

As far as positive changes, I've realized a lot of things about myself, and how I was wrong in various areas of my life outside of this breakup. I have changed how I deal with people, and have become a better person.

 

I can tell you that I'm ready to find someone new, not to help get over the last one, and not to help "complete my life" or whatever.

 

Again, I could be wrong and will heed advice.

[BC1980]

I hear ya, Chi. I do believe I'm ready to date again, though.

 

I tried dating immediately after the first time this girl broke my heart. That was a mistake and I've learned from that.

 

When I tried dating, I was a wreck inside. I'm no longer a wreck inside, and I have completely let go of thinking I will ever get back with this ex.

 

As far as positive changes, I've realized a lot of things about myself, and how I was wrong in various areas of my life outside of this breakup. I have changed how I deal with people, and have become a better person.

 

I can tell you that I'm ready to find someone new, not to help get over the last one, and not to help "complete my life" or whatever.

 

Again, I could be wrong and will heed advice.

 

I think you have to test the waters to know if you are ready. I tried to date immediately after my last ex, and it only reminded me of him. It made me feel so much worse, and I would constantly compare the new guy. I basically wanted someone to help me get over my ex and fill the void. After that I waited 8 months before even thinking about dating again, and the first date I went on was a little difficult, but I needed it to break the ice. It didn't go anywhere, but I was glad I did it because it helped me to cement that I was moving on.

 

You will know when you are ready.

[me85]

Oh ok, great SoThatHappened! Sorry, I missed that you ended it 3 months ago. Well awesome! (=

 

I understand falling hard and falling fast for someone. That kind of love is the most dangerous kind. You lose all self control, for God knows how long and become someone you never thought you'd be.

[SoThatHappened]

I hear you BC, I definitely shouldn't have tried dating only 2 weeks after the first time she hurt me.

 

It was dumb, and it was evident I was a wreck. Sucks because the girl I was dating was very bright, beautiful and fun. There was absolutely no spark though, so she ended things. No biggie, it was only 5 dates in, but I got rejected while dealing with heartbreak. That sucked!

 

I think I need to at least get back out there and be open to it. Not getting any younger.

 

I also have a laundry list of red flags that I'll be able to spot thanks to this last girl!

[mightycpa]

I also have a laundry list of red flags that I'll be able to spot thanks to this last girl!

 

STH, I wonder if that laundry list includes women with children. It did for me, but I was much younger than you at the time. My thinking went along these lines, which was pretty insightful for my age:

 

1) If biodad wants in the picture, he probably gets in the picture and will be around forever

2) More difficult to date like a single

3) She's more experienced than me

4) Could be a pressure factor to settle for me (good provider) rather than because she wants me

5) What if she and biodad rekindle? Or just hook up?

6) Split up will affect child too

7) and in a dump, I might lose two people, mother and child, because I have no rights

 

I'm sure there were more, it seems like it was a longer list. I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just saying I was right for me, and I'm curious if you've thought along these lines.... well, no, that's disingenuous. I'm encouraging you to think along these lines if you haven't.

[SoThatHappened]

You're pretty intuitive, man. That's why I'm glad you responded.

 

That list definitely DOES include women with children. Like you said, they're always tied to the father, and that relationship can be rekindled if they think it will be better for the kid(s).

 

Definitely more difficult to date, especially with toddlers (like in my case). Plus, with single moms, you're never #1. Not that I need to be, but, ya know.

 

Yeah, I lost two people in that breakup, and was just starting to have fun with the little one as she was developing a personality and learning new words everyday. So glad the break happened before I REALLY became a part of the little one's life.

[BC1980]

You're pretty intuitive, man. That's why I'm glad you responded.

 

That list definitely DOES include women with children. Like you said, they're always tied to the father, and that relationship can be rekindled if they think it will be better for the kid(s).

 

Definitely more difficult to date, especially with toddlers (like in my case). Plus, with single moms, you're never #1. Not that I need to be, but, ya know.

 

Yeah, I lost two people in that breakup, and was just starting to have fun with the little one as she was developing a personality and learning new words everyday. So glad the break happened before I REALLY became a part of the little one's life.

 

I don't exclude men with children, but I will be so much more careful in the future. My last ex had a child (and the mom had died), so I was like a mom to his kid. I was with his child all day, everyday, but it was my choice. No one forced me to do that, but I got attached to his child and thought it was better for the child to be with me than to be put with a babysitter. The breakup was so much worse because a child was involved. I basically never saw his child again, and I had spent 3 years investing in his life. Doing homework with him, taking him to friends' houses, taking him to soccer practice, just hanging out with him.

 

I was under the assumption we were going to get married, and we had plans for me to adopt his child. After the breakup, I was literally gone from his life the next day. It was a bitter, bitter pill to swallow after investing in and loving that child. Pretty awful. I don't regret loving his child, but it ended up being much harder for me in the end. Not to mention that my parents had invested in his child and loved him like their own grandson. The entire situation was just worse than it even needed to be because of that.

 

I think the fact that my ex allowed me to get so close to his child made me loose all respect for him in the end. It's fine if you break it off, but to allow me to bond for 3 years with his child, all under the assumption that I would be in his life forever. He even told his child we were getting married. I just can't respect that.

Edited September 9, 2014 by BC1980

[mightycpa]

with single moms, you're never #1

 

I forgot about that one.

 

Wait 'til you get married and have kids. It just happens in a different order, that's all.