New LDR and just found out I'm pregnant

[M. americana]

Maybe this is the wrong forum, but I want advice from long term married people.

 

I'm in a relationship of 3 months with a guy who I honestly feel is more perfect for me than anyone I've ever met. We have known each other for over a year. He lives in Canada, I live in the South. But we have managed to see each other regularly and plan to keep doing so.

 

Long story short, I just found out today that I am pregnant. Complete and utter shock. He is 27, I am turning 25. I just graduated college and was planning on starting grad school. He has a career where he makes good money.

 

I don't know what to do. My heart is telling me to keep it, but I'm terrified of ruining us. I plan on telling him in 2.5 weeks when I go visit him. We have an amazing 2.5 week vacation planned, and now I have to tell him this. I honestly don't know how he will react. I know he's pro choice, but we (stupidly) never discussed what we would do if I got pregnant.

 

I am considering sending him a "feeler" message to get an idea of his opinion. Ideas? Advice? I am freaking out.

[pink_sugar]

I turn 25 later this week and I know I'd be freaking if I got pregnant now too. I've also been married 6 years and don't want kids until I'm in my 30's. I honestly do not know what I'd do if I got pregnant now. A lot of people on here will tell you to keep the baby, but you need to really think about several things. Do you have the finances to support a child on your own right now? You would be doing this mostly alone since he lives so far. Another thing is, are you emotionally ready to focus 100% on a baby right now? I know right now I want to spent at least 5-7 years travelling and building my career before I think about kids. I know my husband supports me either way. I would first tell your boyfriend and go from there. You haven't been together long, 3 months, most of which has been long distance, so it's not been long enough to know him that well.

[Rockafeller]

What would you do?

Decide what I wanted first, figure out what (if anything) I needed from my partner and then I'd write all of that down so when we do discuss it, I'm talking about all of it ... not just some of it.

[M. americana]

What if you're entirely unsure? I think that's my problem.

[ASG]

I'm really sorry to bring this up, I know it's not very helpful, but... How do you have completely unprotected sex with someone you've been dating for a few weeks???

 

 

As for the problem at hand, can you go to a clinic or something and speak to someone? Or talk to friends/family? I think they'll be better equipped to help you in this matter

[Trufita]

You are the one that have to choose. Most important of all, what is your opinion about abortion?

 

If I were you, I would abort. I don't like the idea of it, but if I had 8 years more of school to do, and the father was someone who I've been with for 3 months, I wouldn't consider to have it. I don't see it is a good time for you to have a baby. But that's me, and that's what I would tell my best friend, and my daughter if I ever have one. It depends on your morals and how you feel about it.

[Frank2thepoint]

Congratulations on being pregnant.

 

You should tell him in person that you are pregnant. Getting pregnant just three months into the relationship is a difficult situation, a real test to a relationship. But luckily you guys have known each other for a year, and that he is on board with progressing the relationship. So I don't think it will ruin you guys, but will fast forward the relationship.

 

Concerning your educational pursuit, that will be on pause temporarily. You can continue pursuing your Ph.D. during and after having a child. I believe you can take a leave of absence for a semester or two due to pregnancy. Many women have done this, even while having a child or two. So don't think your plans are swept away, they are just going to get pushed back a bit.

 

As for hating being a financial burden on him, well you are a reasonable and considerate woman. But he did have a part in your pregnancy, so he will need to take responsibility, and if you want to be in a relationship with him, you will need to rely on him.

[regine_phalange]

You are rightfully freaked out, since it wasn't in your plans. But why do you think the relationship will fail? It takes two people to create a baby. In the end, it's just a baby - the most natural thing in the world. Many families have started because of such "accidents", and they ended up being very happy together.

 

I do think it's very good that you were friends with your boyfriend for a year prior, so you have some kind of foundation. Your boyfriend also gave you a decent reply in your "feeler message", so Im sure you will work it out well together. Be sincere with him. Tell him, that you don't know what to do or how to proceed, without any of you feeling "trapped". Share with him your worries about your studies, about the financial issues. You are in this together, and you will find a solution together. Don't worry. It's going to be allright.

 

I think you will have to postpone your PhD for a while. A good idea first of all would be to go to a doctor, if you didnt already. The doctor will let you know what kind of examinations you need, to ensure the pregnancy is going well. Also, speak with your family (preferably with your mum). Are you on good terms? Is your family closeby to offer you help or support? Would it make you more comfortable to spend your pregnancy with your family instead with your boyfriend?

Edited June 5, 2014 by regine_phalange

[mickleb]

Let's imagine that, for whatever reason, this guy is gone before the baby arrives. Would you still keep it? If your honest answer is 'no', I'd advise you to get an abortion ASAP.

[writergal]

Time to sit down and list your life's priorities. PhD? Baby? LDR?

 

If you don't want the baby, give it up for adoption but don't abort it (of course that's your choice). There are many people who would gladly adopt your child.

 

If you want the PhD and want to keep the baby you can do both. You won't be the first single mother in higher academia. It can be done. The trick is to find all the resources in your community that help single mothers. There are also government grants for single mother's who pursue higher ed degrees. But you'd need to ask your university's financial aid office to help you find those and how to apply.

 

If you want the LDR then you need to tell him what YOUR choice is: you're keeping the baby, aborting it, or giving it up for adoption. Don't wait for him to decide what he wants because you're the one who will have the baby and have to take care of it.

 

Realistically you've known each other for a year and 3 months so I don't see him uprooting his life to move to your city/state/country just because you are pregnant. If anything he will probably play hot and cold with you and then fade into the background. I hope I am wrong though.

 

Make preparations for either adopting the baby out, aborting it, or keeping the baby but not pursuing your PhD right away, not pursuing it at all, or doing both and using your city's nonprofit resources for financial assistance. I hope it works out for you.

Edited June 5, 2014 by writergal

[FitChick]

Abort but don't tell him. Don't be a martyr and ruin your life.

 

He can be generous in a hypothetical situation but when it turns real, I predict he will bolt.

[Poppygoodwill]

Unplanned children can be loved and cared for just as well as planned kids.

 

But their lives - especially when born to young, single mothers (cause that's what you are right now) - suffer many disadvantages and difficulties.

 

Before I talked to him, I would have a really good idea what I want for myself.

 

And I would talk to him before you see him. It will give you both a bit of space to deal with your own feelings, before you are together on vacation. Call him the week before you're due to meet and tell him the news. That way when you're together, you'll both be past the shock and initial reactions, and can really talk constructively.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm in a relationship of 3 months with a guy who I honestly feel is more perfect for me than anyone I've ever met. We have known each other for over a year. He lives in Canada, I live in the South. But we have managed to see each other regularly and plan to keep doing so.

Given the short time and long distance, you don't really know him. Right now you're seeing the love-goggled, best-foot-forward partner we all initially fall for. Married and parenting together can create some cracks in that facade.

Before I talked to him, I would have a really good idea what I want for myself.

Good advice as you'll be the one most responsible. And depending how this plays out, maybe solely responsible. I'd tell him now - like you, he'll need time to think.

 

Probably none of my business, but no birth control for you two ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[pink_sugar]

As I mentioned in your other thread, OP, a lot of people will tell you to have the baby. But if I were in your situation, I'd probably have the abortion if I were you. As you mentioned, you have another 8 years of school...grad school will require a lot of effort and attention. You are also in a very new relationship. If you end up raising the baby on your own, it will probably take considerably longer to finish your degree. I plan to go back to school for a MBA, but it would only be another 1.5-2 years...so if I got pregnant now it wouldn't be a huge deal, but I am still not ready as I'd like to establish my career first...which is difficult when you have kids. You don't want to be starting a career and need time off or to leave early constantly since you will most likely be a single mother whether you stay in your relationship or decide to break up. It doesn't happen often, but discrimination against working mothers does happen. It sounds like you both aren't serious right now, so you really need to tell him now about the pregnancy.

[pink_sugar]

You are the one that have to choose. Most important of all, what is your opinion about abortion?

 

If I were you, I would abort. I don't like the idea of it, but if I had 8 years more of school to do, and the father was someone who I've been with for 3 months, I wouldn't consider to have it. I don't see it is a good time for you to have a baby. But that's me, and that's what I would tell my best friend, and my daughter if I ever have one. It depends on your morals and how you feel about it.

 

This 100%! ^^^^^^^

 

It's one thing if you were finished with school (with a stable job) and in a committed LTR with this man, but it sounds like having a baby right now would be a huge set back for you.

Edited June 7, 2014 by pink_sugar

[M. americana]

First off, I am 100% sure he will not bolt. I know you don't believe me, but for the sake of the discussion, just assume it. He's the most moral/ethical person I know.

 

As to how I feel about abortion - I'm pro choice, but I have always told my partners that I would not have an abortion, and to be prepared for that. It's still an option, because I don't necessarily equate it with murder as long as it's done in the first trimester.

 

But it would be an extremely difficult thing for me to do. I already feel protective over it, and emotional towards it ("it" being the baby/embryo/whatever you want to call it). I know it's irrational. I just have a strong instinct about it and it would be really hard to overcome it enough to have an abortion. I could do it, don't get me wrong. But it would be hard.

 

To answer the question another person asked - if I knew that he was going to leave me anyway, I'd keep it. I'm only doubting whether or not to keep it because I'm scared to ruin our relationship.

[M. americana]

And in response to where I am in life, etc. - I agree , it's not the best time. But this is also the time when I will have the most flexibility in my schedule (not working as much due to a stipend, I'll have summers and winters off). I'm not saying it would be easy. I know it won't. But I don't necessarily think it would be any easier if I were working a full time job as a post-doc, making not much more money than I did as a student.

 

If I wanted to wait until I was done with school and starting my "permanent job" (after post-docs) that would mean that I couldn't have a kid until I was 35+. And I don't like the idea of that either.

 

Again, not trying to argue that it will be easy. It won't. Just trying to give more info. I have a college degree and if I absolutely had to, I could get a "stable job" right now. Just not the exact job I want.

[M. americana]

I'm really sorry to bring this up, I know it's not very helpful, but... How do you have completely unprotected sex with someone you've been dating for a few weeks???

 

 

As for the problem at hand, can you go to a clinic or something and speak to someone? Or talk to friends/family? I think they'll be better equipped to help you in this matter

Where did I ever say that we had completely unprotected sex? Or that we'd only been dating for a few weeks?

 

Thanks everyone for the advice. I do appreciate it. I generally know what I want to do now, but it all depends on how he reacts when I tell him. So I'll have a better idea of what's going on in 2 weeks. Again, thanks for the advice.

[veggirl]

So are you going to propose one of you move? Are you going to ask him if you can move in? I mean you guys are LDR and if you are having the baby I assume you want the dad nearby. Moving in after only dating LDR for 3 mos will probably be a horrible decision long term but most 24 yr olds who have babies don't end up with the guy forever anyway.

 

Why are you talking about being a financial burden on him? Are you planning on asking him if you can stay home with the baby or not work while you finish school?

 

What's your actual plan?

 

Personally I would abort at 24, knee-deep in school and in a 3mo relationship.

[OnlyHonesty]

I'm curious, out of the 10+ forms of contraception avaliable to women, which ones did you use?

[Viking-Liz]

I think it looks like you have already decided. I would also like to know if any of the people suggesting abortion have ever been pregnant themselves.

 

Do you have a family to support you and help you out with the practical stuff?

 

Its your decision after all, and if you dont want an abortion, dont get one. Which "regret" are you most likely to be able to live with?

[pink_sugar]

I think it looks like you have already decided. I would also like to know if any of the people suggesting abortion have ever been pregnant themselves.

 

Do you have a family to support you and help you out with the practical stuff?

 

Its your decision after all, and if you dont want an abortion, dont get one. Which "regret" are you most likely to be able to live with?

 

My answer to this is better to regret not having one than to regret having one. My own experience being born to young parents who weren't ready. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my life...but I always told myself I would do it differently...having kids when I am mature and established.

[pink_sugar]

First off, I am 100% sure he will not bolt. I know you don't believe me, but for the sake of the discussion, just assume it. He's the most moral/ethical person I know.

 

As to how I feel about abortion - I'm pro choice, but I have always told my partners that I would not have an abortion, and to be prepared for that. It's still an option, because I don't necessarily equate it with murder as long as it's done in the first trimester.

 

But it would be an extremely difficult thing for me to do. I already feel protective over it, and emotional towards it ("it" being the baby/embryo/whatever you want to call it). I know it's irrational. I just have a strong instinct about it and it would be really hard to overcome it enough to have an abortion. I could do it, don't get me wrong. But it would be hard.

 

To answer the question another person asked - if I knew that he was going to leave me anyway, I'd keep it. I'm only doubting whether or not to keep it because I'm scared to ruin our relationship.

 

You're contradicting yourself here. You said you are for pro-choice, but yet you wouldn't do it. Yet, here you are on this forum asking whether or not to have the baby. If you are deciding whether or not to have the baby just to save your relationship, that is something you will regret. If you have the abortion, it should be for your own reasons. Not to keep this man.

[stillafool]

First off, I am 100% sure he will not bolt. I know you don't believe me, but for the sake of the discussion, just assume it. He's the most moral/ethical person I know.

 

As to how I feel about abortion - I'm pro choice, but I have always told my partners that I would not have an abortion, and to be prepared for that. It's still an option, because I don't necessarily equate it with murder as long as it's done in the first trimester.

 

But it would be an extremely difficult thing for me to do. I already feel protective over it, and emotional towards it ("it" being the baby/embryo/whatever you want to call it). I know it's irrational. I just have a strong instinct about it and it would be really hard to overcome it enough to have an abortion. I could do it, don't get me wrong. But it would be hard.

 

To answer the question another person asked - if I knew that he was going to leave me anyway, I'd keep it. I'm only doubting whether or not to keep it because I'm scared to ruin our relationship.

 

It really does you no good to ask us. Just get on the phone and tell him you're pregnant and ask him how he feels. You can make your decision after you talk to him.

[mickleb]

I'm only doubting whether or not to keep it because I'm scared to ruin our relationship.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh here, but this really tells me enough to conclude you're not ready to bring another life into this world. This, and the 100% comment.

 

Good luck to you, anyway.