Borderline personality disorder ex broke up with me

[Pandalee]

I was with him for two years and after his diagnosis everything became obvious.

I've been very supportive and tried my best but he has this obsession with me cheating on him and no matter what I do he won't believe me. At the moment he's painted me black.

He's blocked me on Facebook, Instagram and hasn't replied to my calls after he stormed off that night. Since then I've been NC, dropped his belongings off at his mums house so I didn't have to see him but he doesn't seem phased at all by this and it kills me.

I really love this guy and he's just begun therapy so I don't want to give up yet but it seems like it will never get better and I can't seem to let go.

 

We've broken up a few times before, but this seems to be the worst and he's not in a good place right now (threatened suicide) and he's hanging out with bad people who will lead him astray and I can't help but worry. I know I'm all he truly has.

[marcjb]

What did you do that made him think you've cheated on him?

[Pandalee]

What did you do that made him think you've cheated on him?

 

Nothing at all. He's paranoid. A friend text me saying I was hoping you didn't get back with him and started seeing another guy. He took it the wrong way and completely flipped out. He's the only guy I've even touched in 2 years.

[MidwestUSA]

What did you do that made him think you've cheated on him?

 

Or you could ask 'What has he been thru before that would make him think ANYONE is going to cheat on him'? Because, sadly, that's usually what it is.

 

 

OP, keep up the no contact. I know you care, but this guy is bad news.

[Pandalee]

Or you could ask 'What has he been thru before that would make him think ANYONE is going to cheat on him'? Because, sadly, that's usually what it is.

 

 

OP, keep up the no contact. I know you care, but this guy is bad news.

 

He's got bpd, it's harder because I know he can't exactly help the way he feels and it breaks my heart.

But I put so much time and effort into this relationship and he doesn't even seem to be hurt.

I always did everything to make him happy and it was SO obvious to everyone how much I care and love him.

[Pandalee]

You might want ask yourself why you are attracted to a dysfunctional male. Is this a pattern in your life? If so, seek some guidance.

 

He had all of these issues but you don't want to let go. This isn't about him but about you.

 

Because it's only happened in the last 6 or so months. He's gone through a really rough time and with therapy (which he's getting) and the right support he can overcome this.

[Emilia]

I know I'm all he truly has.

What about you? Why are you clinging onto someone who can't love you in a healthy way?

 

You do realise you trigger his issues constantly by being with him?

[Elle1975]

Nothing at all. He's paranoid. A friend text me saying I was hoping you didn't get back with him and started seeing another guy. He took it the wrong way and completely flipped out. He's the only guy I've even touched in 2 years.

 

Well from this conversation he might have picked up that you were airing out your laundry to someone else. That alone could have pissed him off.

 

I mean you guys broke up more than once, what was the reason?

 

I know it's easy to let someone's mental illness defines who we think they are, like a broken toy we want to fix, but it's not all they are. He just might have broken up with you because of other reasons he just kept to himself.

 

Him seeking therapy is great, might not put you back into his life. He might just need to be without you.

[Emilia]

Well from this conversation he might have picked up that you were airing out your laundry to someone else. That alone could have pissed him off.

 

I mean you guys broke up more than once, what was the reason?

 

I know it's easy to let someone's mental illness defines who we think they are, like a broken toy we want to fix, but it's not all they are. He just might have broken up with you because of other reasons he just kept to himself.

 

Him seeking therapy is great, might not put you back into his life. He might just need to be without you.

You can't make sense of Borderline Personality Disorder, this is why the OP shouldn't even try and she should work out why she is unable to move on. Most of them can't be 'fixed' through therapy either as it's not a mental illness. It's their personality, it's who they are, whom they grew up to be, underdeveloped prefontal cortex and all.

[KaliLove]

If he really does have BPD, your relationship has almost no chance of working out. For your own mental health and safety, you should move on.

 

I speak from experience.

[Pandalee]

I know I need to let go, but it's hard because I don't really have many friends. And my two closest friends are in relationships and don't really have time to go out and help me find and meet new people and I'm extremely shy which makes it so much harder.

 

I'm so exhausted from this relationship I've also decided to seek therapy.

[KaliLove]

Therapy is a very good idea. It helped me get over my BPD/NPD ex. I'm currently over him, dating other people, and generally doing very well!

[Emilia]

I know I need to let go, but it's hard because I don't really have many friends. And my two closest friends are in relationships and don't really have time to go out and help me find and meet new people and I'm extremely shy which makes it so much harder.

 

I'm so exhausted from this relationship I've also decided to seek therapy.

Then the way forward for you is to try to build a new social circle. That would occupy you in a good way. Are there meetup groups in your area? You need to work on your comfort zone and shyness, OP. You can't have a guy keeping you hostage just because you are shy.

 

However I doubt very much is the sole reason of your hanging on something this bad. I know what BPDers are like, I went out with one. A friend's son has it. They say and do nasty things and you don't deal with that unless you have codependency issues, OP.

 

It is indeed emotionally exhausting.

[Pandalee]

Then the way forward for you is to try to build a new social circle. That would occupy you in a good way. Are there meetup groups in your area? You need to work on your comfort zone and shyness, OP. You can't have a guy keeping you hostage just because you are shy.

 

However I doubt very much is the sole reason of your hanging on something this bad. I know what BPDers are like, I went out with one. A friend's son has it. They say and do nasty things and you don't deal with that unless you have codependency issues, OP.

 

It is indeed emotionally exhausting.

 

I don't know how to build a new social circle. Everyone else has friends at uni and I'm just awkward and don't know how to fix this.

[Amy74]

Moving on is the hard part--

 

I have no friends either and that has typically been my coping mechanism in the past. I've found the support on here to be just as good...go out and try to meet new people but you've got us in the meantime.

 

Harsh as our words might seem...everything above seems right on.

[Pandalee]

I know deep down it's for the best but I've never felt this way about anyone before, I don't know if it's his bpd or what.

When we broke up he told me to kill myself and now that he's gone I have no one (which is true).

Before I met him I was happy, had heaps of friends, went out a lot and was generally an independent person.

[Emilia]

I don't know how to build a new social circle. Everyone else has friends at uni and I'm just awkward and don't know how to fix this.

Then this is your new project. To sort out yourself rather than focus on someone else.

[Emilia]

I know deep down it's for the best but I've never felt this way about anyone before, I don't know if it's his bpd or what.

When we broke up he told me to kill myself and now that he's gone I have no one (which is true).

Before I met him I was happy, had heaps of friends, went out a lot and was generally an independent person.

Unfortunately you are a codependent. This is what happens when you allow another person to overtake your life to your own detriment.

[stillfiguringitallou]

I know deep down it's for the best but I've never felt this way about anyone before, I don't know if it's his bpd or what.

When we broke up he told me to kill myself and now that he's gone I have no one (which is true).

Before I met him I was happy, had heaps of friends, went out a lot and was generally an independent person.

 

This often happens when you are in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship.

 

I recommend meetup - and other websites designed to make local friends. I used this and I've noticed I am much stronger and doing much better.

 

I went from being social - friendly and shy yet outgoing - to a complete hermit it feels like. And it was due to his need to have me around ALL the time when we were "together" but then he would blow me off ... or blow up.

 

My friends got tired of me only coming around when he was in a crappy mood - and who can blame them! I missed lots of fundraisers and benefits that I normally wouldn't have ... because he wouldn't go and I didn't want to "upset him"

 

I'm not that girl - just not.

 

Take this time, stay NC - DON'T GO BACK

 

Join a gym - go meet people - go volunteer - go do SOMETHING

 

couseling.

 

and heal. It would have never worked anyway. Trust me - it only gets more painful and worse ... you feel less sure of yourself and more insecure - and it still never changes.

 

It's WHO THEY ARE. Therapy can help manage - but it can't change it completely.

[JoeFallkon]

My ex girl had bipolar disorder. sometimes they say theyre gonna do stuff and theyre just manipulating, theyre very good at this.

She also told me i was her only family, and i tried everything to help her and take care of her, but i found out she did drugs behind my back.

I miss her so much and i loved her a lot, but at the same time i felt sorry for her.

I know shes now hanging with the wrong crowd and theyre gonna get tired of her quick, and she ll try to contact me again cuz like i said, she doesnt have no one, her family is tired of her.

She gave me a lot of stress, worst relationship ive been in

 

 

You cant help people that dont want to be helped, thats what all my family and friends told me.

[Pandalee]

I just know there's a cycle in bpd and he will most likely come back and I need to know how to be strong.

[JoeFallkon]

Just no contact. dont give in to their manipulative ways. ive read this a lot too. people with blp and bipolar disorder come back often. its a cycle.

This is advice for myself too, cuz like i said. i still care and i dont want anything bad to happen to her, Her family dont put up w her sht no more. they say she has to hit rock bottom for her to realize shes doing all the wrong choices and maybe wanna change.

good luck.

[Pandalee]

He's already hit rock bottom.

He's homeless, has only "bad" friends around and left everyone who actually cares, started smoking weed every hour of the day, doesn't have a job, has recently taken pills and has been smoking ice. He got arrested too for theft of a car, possession and driving without a licence and has court coming up.

He's going SO downhill so fast it's worrying.

Before we broke up we were moving forward and thinking of moving away so he can start fresh, and he recognised that he can't get better surrounded by these people now he's done a complete 180.

He's even talking to really scraggy girls and it hurts.

[stillfiguringitallou]

I just know there's a cycle in bpd and he will most likely come back and I need to know how to be strong.

 

You'll either be strong and block all forms of contact - literally - I don't even have my email filter him to trash because I can't "delete forever" I have it auto place his emails into the archive - that way I never even know they are there.

 

Or - one day - you'll just snap. It depends on how well you hold onto your sense of self.

 

I've done a lot of reading on BPD and it describes my relationship like I'm reading our damn story. I can also say it often reveals itself different in males than females - they appear to have "more control" but only because they tend to not have the flair for the dramatic

 

My BFF that he chatted to after this most recent BU - she had BPD.

 

I had a BF with BPD - walk out

A best friend with BPD - going through the projection phase

and a miscarriage.

 

And that - that is what it took to make me snap. And I snapped SO HARD I wasn't sure who I could trust, if I could trust myself, if I was completely insane, if I WANTED to be. I didn't think I was EVER going to find myself again ... I knew life would return to "normal" but I was messssssssed up.

 

I highly recommend not getting to snapping point. It's ugly business. And I've recovered for the most part.

 

Start accepting now is my suggestion.

 

For me it was acknowledging that if he probably isn't able/willing to put in the hard work necessary to make it possible.

 

My son has autism.

 

Even though I know I could handle this. I also know he couldn't and should never have to.

 

So I know it's over.

 

And accepting it's over - with the knowledge he really DID love me - just not as much as he was scared of losing me. THAT **** - that's the hardest part to overcome.

[Pandalee]

It's got to the point where I'm so emotionally exhausted my uni grades have been affected and I can't even find the motivation to shower, wash my hair and do make up regularly when I used to love making myself look/feel good.

I don't want to leave bed and I can't be bothered to even eat.

I've been having more regular panic attacks and overall feeling worthless.

He left me in my time of need.