Borderline personality disorder ex broke up with me

[stillfiguringitallou]

Where are you getting this 99% number?

 

That is not at all what research shows.

 

While it is rather bleak (only 1/4 of adults diagnosed after 18 are able to have fully functional lives) 25% success is a far cry from 1%

 

The thing YOU are refusing to see Panda - is your partner doesn't WANT to see. Your partner - according to you - was honest about his BPD with you and everytime he leaves he splits you black.

 

That shows a total lack of accountability.

 

The only reason I'm offering my support to my partner is I realize the information that I put out there when we split - eventually get through, his behaviors have improved with each split, the length of time between the splits increases, the negative behaviors leading up to it have decreased.

 

he WANTS to get better. He just doesn't have the proper knowledge about what CAUSES his behaviors to seek out the tools - he feels like he is suddenly at 30+ years old "going crazy and losing it" when realistically it was the extreme stress of the relationship he had with a double B (Bi-Polar Level II combined with BPD) followed by being split black, removed from his childs life for 8 weeks and her constant attempts to do so again, our relationship stressors from his treatment of me throughout this do not help. And the loss of our child, can make it's manifestation so volatile.

 

THAT is why they say there is no cure. Because it can be dormant for years

and decades and extreme stress happen and BAM it's back.

 

How do I know?

 

As I said - my sister is BPD - and I've seen her blossom into her true self over our lifetime. From an isolated, scared, affection seeking, people pleasing and then hurting individual. Into a fully grown woman - attending college - holding down a job - happily married for the last 6 years (not so happily for the 7 prior)

 

So don't tell people what is possible.

 

There is always hope.

 

There is always possibility.

 

But only if they GENUINELY WANT to be better.

[Radu]

Where are you getting this 99% number?

 

That is not at all what research shows.

 

While it is rather bleak (only 1/4 of adults diagnosed after 18 are able to have fully functional lives) 25% success is a far cry from 1%

 

 

First of all, what is defined by fully functioning lives ?

 

Because BPD's do fall on a functioning spectrum, but in general they can be low functioning for the most part, and high functioning for the most part.

Just because they can function, does not mean they are by any means 'normal' or that they can lead 'normal' lives.

Furthermore, this is the one PD that tends to send their spouses most of the time in therapy, and not them ... because living with one will tend to make you feel like you are going nuts.

 

In fact, BPD's are notorious as hard to deal with even amongst therapists, which in turn is why :

- most ppl, including on this board, advise ppl in relationships or past relationships with BPD's to never actually tell them to their faces that they have this [they go in overdrive with this]

- therapists will avoid putting a label of BPD on the individual and telling them so [they will stop therapy most likely]

 

Taking into account that high functioning ones rarely get to therapy [as they can fake it socially], that they need to realise they have a problem to really try and fix it ... yes, i believe that high 90's figure in percentages as the chance to get better.

Granted, if they do realize that they have a problem, and try to fix it ... i believe that 25% figure.

 

But like you said, this is beside the point ... i have the feeling [from reading this thread], that the OP's xSO embraced his diagnosis as a crutch.

[ThatMan]

The goal of DBT is to markedly improve at least some control over the triggers itself by learning new ways to react to them. The underlying personality disorder never truly goes away. The jury is still out for the cause but most literature points to childhood abuse. The brain is complex chemical electrical system. If you scare the piss out of that system during curial moments of development it's growth is dramatically stunted. That's why bipolar disorder, an illness that has been well-established as a genetic related disorder, has several categories. Any trauma expert will tell you that Bipolar Disorder Type NOS is a board diagnosis intended for anybody who developed strong cluster-b traits and falls somewhere along the lines of a high-functioning borderline. The reason why people are assigned varying degrees on the global assessment of functioning is based on how they cope with triggers such as drugs and other risky behavior. They're not bad people, they're sick, and they cannot will themselves out of a sickness. Even if they make the effort to improve themselves the personality disorder cannot go away as it can only be better managed through years of dedication.

 

Although the exact nature of the personality disorder and the underlying mechanism is not fully understand as of yet, professionals are fairly comfortable with the scientific assumption that the brain itself is underdeveloped. And the reason why those with borderline personality disorder are able to function at all is because intimate relationships trigger them, and not necessarily platonic or professional relationships.

Edited June 6, 2014 by ThatMan

[Downtown]

I know that the way he can worship the ground people walk on might be confused with love or care. But it isn't love. It's pain, fear, desperation, and thinking of people as objects to use as a means to make everything better. That has nothing to do with genuine love or care.

ThatMan, you're confusing BPDers with narcissists and sociopaths who are incapable of loving. As StillFiguring observes, BPDers are capable of loving very intensely. Indeed, it is because they are so loving and caring that BPDers are notorious for driving many of the abused spouses nearly crazy. Because the abused partner is convinced that the BPDer does love him, he will drive himself almost crazy trying to figure out what HE is doing wrong so he can restore his partner to that wonderful woman he saw at the beginning.

 

Because BPDers typically have the emotional development of a four year old, they love in the same immature manner that young children are able to do. Granted, this immature love falls far short of what is needed to sustain adult LTRs. It nonetheless does constitute love. If you doubt that, just ask any parent if their young children are able to love them.

 

And, granted, this immature love will sometimes be very difficult to see due to the splitting, which is an ego defense used by BPDers as well as young children. It puts the conscious mind out of touch with the loving feelings because, given their fragile and fractured personalities, BPDers (and young children) are very intolerant of experiencing strong mixed feelings.

 

He's sick. His brain is physically damaged and what you describe is beyond what his sick mind allows.

Again, I agree with StillFiguring on this statement. Although BPD is said to be an "illness" and a "disorder," the psychiatric community often uses these terms far differently than the medical community. In every field of the medical sciences, the terms "illness" and "disorder" refer to a disease.

 

BPD, however, is NOT generally believed to be a disease. Indeed, there is no solid evidence that any of the ten PDs are caused by disease. Hence, BPD is not a disease -- like chickenpox -- that a person "has" or "does not have." Rather, it is simply a "syndrome," i.e., a group of behavioral traits that everyone has and which can undermine interpersonal relationships when these traits become too strong.

 

Although there are some recent studies showing a relationship between BPD and the size of certain parts of the brain, that correlation does NOT establish causality. Because intense stress and trauma are known to cause alterations in the brain's structure, it is yet unclear whether the abnormal brain structure is causing BPD or, instead, the BPD is creating stress that causes abnormal structure. Hence, there is no solid proof that BPD arises from a "physically damaged" brain, as you say.

[stillfiguringitallou]

First of all, what is defined by fully functioning lives ?

 

Fully functioning lives.

 

Able to form and maintain healthy relationships - or repair broken ones.

 

Able to form and maintain healthy working relationships.

 

Able to communicate how they are feeling in a constructive manner and work through those feelings productively.

 

Able to feel "safe" with a loved one.

 

She has her moments on occasion and initially after dx her husband and she did seek relationship counseling to help him understand the root cause etc. But they have a very successful and loving relationship - hell I'm jealous of it most of the time.

 

But I agree that her ex is using it as a crutch - not facing the problems, acknowledging wrong doing etc.

 

It does bother me due to a strong family hx of this disorder when people say they can't get better.

 

My mom holds this DX she just celebrated her 20th wedding anniversary with my step father - holds a job and maintains her relationships. It's been nearly 8 years since she last ran the cycle.

 

My sister does as well -and it's been 6 years for my sister. They are both living proof that with ALOT of effort and hard work and DESIRE to have a better life - they can recover and lead normal ones.

 

I got the "lucky draw" I suppose with co dependency issues because they are much easier to recognize and manage the majority of the time.

 

Is it easy? Heck no - is it a complete and total Mind**** - you bet ... but it can be done with the right support and the desire to do it.

[Downtown]

It does bother me due to a strong family hx of this disorder when people say they can't get better.

Stillfiguring, I agree with you that there are excellent therapy programs available for treating BPD in most major cities in North American and Europe. Those programs (e.g., DBT and CBT) teach BPDers the emotional skills they were unable to learn when they were young children. Yet, to take advantage of those programs, a BPDer must have sufficient self awareness to know they need the training. Because BPD by its very nature is ego-syntonic, it is unusual for a BPDer to have that self awareness, especially if he/she is high functioning. I've not seen any statistics on it but I would guess that perhaps 3% to 5% of full-blown high-functioning BPDers have that level of self awareness.

 

In addition, the BPDer also must have sufficient ego strength to be willing to stay in therapy long enough (several years at least) to make a difference. Again, I've seen no statistics but would guess -- based on my discussions with nearly a hundred self-aware HF BPDers -- that perhaps a third of the "self awares" have that ego strength. I therefore agree with Radu that, for the vast majority of BPDers (i.e, the HF ones that we hear about here on TAM) perhaps only 1% have both the self awareness and ego strength to succeed in therapy by learning to control their behavior.

 

Importantly, saying that therapy rarely works for BPDers (because they won't go) is NOT to say that only 1% of them get better. On the contrary, most seem to improve somewhat later in life. Recent studies indicate that most BPDers do mellow a bit after the mid-forties -- to the point that many of them no longer have full-blown BPD after they pass middle age. Yet, because the threshold for "having BPD" is set extremely high, it is unclear what "no longer having BPD" really means. After all, a person meeting only 90% of the diagnostic criteria (hence "not having BPD") likely will be nearly as impossible to live with as a person meeting 100% (thus "having BPD"). This, at least, has been my experience.

[Pandalee]

I feel like when we break up he treats every other girl perfectly and I'm just the one who gets treated like crap

[Downtown]

I feel like when we break up he treats every other girl perfectly and I'm just the one who gets treated like crap.

Pandalee, that behavior is exactly what you should expect from a BPDer because, until the other women try to establish a close LTR with him, they cannot trigger his great fears of abandonment and engulfment. There is no close LTR to be abandoned and no intimacy to cause engulfment.

 

Further, even after one of them does move close to him, she still will not trigger his fears during the infatuation period. That infatuation will hold his two fears at bay, convincing him that she is the near-perfect woman who poses no threat. Of course, all of that will change as soon as his infatuation starts evaporating after about 4 to 6 months.

[Pandalee]

Then why does he keep coming back?!!