carrie_o Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 My husband and I are just shy of our first anniversary. Up until recently, I thought I could trust him completely. He has a large group of friends, males and females. The only time I've had problems with his friends in the past is when he would blow off our plans to hang out with them instead and when he would sleep over (with a group of guys) at one of his female friend's house. Now I'm very uneasy with that one female friend. Two weeks ago, we were drinking with another couple. My husband drank way too much and blacked out. While he was blacked out, he started yelling at me and calling me names. I left the room to get away from him. While I was gone, he said to the other couple how much he wanted the same friend whose house he had slept over at. He told them that one time she was all over him but he pushed her away because he respected her boyfriend (another one of his best friends) too much to hurt him like that. For the next week, we fought constantly. It took a while for me to get over what he said to me and how he treated me. He thought I should've gotten over the situation right away because he didn't remember what he said so therefore didn't mean any of it. Honestly, I'm still hurt by it. He had been planning a trip home for several month. Most of his friends, including the one who I don't trust him with, live in a different state from us so he hasn't seen them in six months. I'm not joining him on this trip. He's very excited to see all of his friends. I can't stand the thought of him drinking with her. It makes me think he'll be back in the state where he was so mad at me which will make it easier for him to justify cheating on me. He said I should just trust him. He refuses to stop seeing this friend. I'm considering divorce over this. Am I overreacting? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 So much wrong here. The fact that: 1. he never told you about this woman pursuing him. 2. he berated you infront of people, probably from being frustrated that he isn't able to act on that friend. 3. he is trying to shove your feelings under the rug by claiming it is unwarranted because he can't remember -- doesn't change the fact that he did it. 4. he feels entitled to trust, when it should be earned and he failed that test by keeping that piece of information from you. 5. he's prioritizing seeing this friend over your feelings and the volatility in your marriage right now over what he said. If anything, he should be most worried about trying to fix this and putting in the utmost effort to protect your feelings. The best thing to do would be for him to stay away from her and implement some boundaries. But instead, he's not seeing it as detrimental to you, to him and to his marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrie_o Posted June 5, 2014 Author Share Posted June 5, 2014 Is there a solution to this? Is there a way to help me feel better? Link to post Share on other sites
BearMox Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 Welcome to the board. Is there a solution to this? Is there a way to help me feel better? I was put into a similar situation as you recently and can relate. When someone moves out of state and doesn't have roots, the lack of community certainty reduces ones security. Its justified that he's excited to visit with his friends. The problem is that they aren't a set of relationships you are part of. Some perspective: my GF moved to be near me in a place where I've spent all my life. I had a number of friends [several female, some with history] that I was still good friends with and had warm relationships with. When I saw that some of the female relationships didn't add security to what I was building with my GF, I cut contact quickly. Its self-destructive. Does anyone know why we at times cling to relationships on the edges of our social circles? Link to post Share on other sites
nofeelings22 Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 I'm considering divorce over this. Am I overreacting? Definitely. Too quick to throw it all away. This is a problem, something to fix. You don't throw away your var every time it needs an oin change, do you? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 WOW! I had this very thing happen six months into my marriage. Four years later and many fights to endure, It ended. Short of you knocking any sense into his behavior and opinions, he is not going to change one iota. And given that he wont change after such comments and behavior, its up to you. Sit down and have the talk. The one in which you map out where things have gone and how to better get a grip of adult regard. If at any point he bucks the concept, be prepared to separate. I did the "almighty I can work this out!!!, and you can't ...by yourself anyways. It takes two to tango, He needs to be your partner and find a resolution that is respectfull of your marraige, not an insult to it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 how would he feel if you had such rotten boundaries as he does? would he like you spending time with some man? the same rules should apply. and he needs to be careful about his drinking. have his parents talk to him, before it is too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrie_o Posted June 6, 2014 Author Share Posted June 6, 2014 Sit down and have the talk. The one in which you map out where things have gone and how to better get a grip of adult regard. If at any point he bucks the concept, be prepared to separate. I've tried talking to him about this. He even knows about how serious I'm taking what he said that night. He sees this as an ultimatum and refuses to stop seeing her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrie_o Posted June 6, 2014 Author Share Posted June 6, 2014 Definitely. Too quick to throw it all away. This is a problem, something to fix. You don't throw away your var every time it needs an oin change, do you? I definitely have a problem with this. We have broken up in the past over little fights that we should've worked through. That's why I posted on this board. I want a neutral outside opinion. I don't have any friends in this state anyway, so I really haven't talked about this with anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrie_o Posted June 6, 2014 Author Share Posted June 6, 2014 have his parents talk to him, before it is too late. Why do his parents need to talk to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Snakechammah Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 I am so sorry to hear this. You sound like a calm and level-headed person and I completely understand your frustration with this. I would be too, if in the same circumstances. I do suggest that you two talk about it. It is concerning if he refuses to let go of a 'friendship' with a female friend for you, HIS WIFE, someone who he should prioritize above all others (apart from his parents). That is a huge red flag. I really hope he comes round soon. Hopefully he needed some time to think about this issue and delete her from his life. Losing his wife over a silly female friend is a huge thing, and I hope he gets his brains sorted. All the best and take care of yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrie_o Posted June 9, 2014 Author Share Posted June 9, 2014 My husband got back from his trip home. It seems like he spent almost all of his time with this girl, even staying over at her house. He didn't try to communicate with me either. In the three days he was gone, he sent me one text even though we usually keep up text conversations all day. I'm sick of feeling like my feelings don't matter to him. As soon as we can, we will be getting divorced. I just can't take this anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 I think filing is a wise choice. Your H saw you give him an ultimatum, called your bluff, and ended up being correct that you wouldn't follow-thru. Filing for divorce will show that you're not bluffing. It demonstrates a healthy boundary - one where it is unacceptable for your H to have 'sleepovers' in other women's homes, out of state - especially when he's expressed an interest in them and created huge concerns for his wife. Your filing will either wake him up or you'll be on the way to the divorce you need. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 he started yelling at me and calling me names. I left the room to get away from him. While I was gone, he said to the other couple how much he wanted the same friend whose house he had slept over at. He told them that one time she was all over him but he pushed her away because he respected her boyfriend (another one of his best friends) too much to hurt him like that. I'm surprised no-one else has pointed this out- the reason he is stating he didn't jump this gal is out of respect to her BF, not out of respect to you or his marriage. This is a very dire situation. You are not overreacting. This is a chronic, underlying dysfunction in him and in the marriage. He may not have been with her yet and he may never actually bone her but the real problem isn't his current feelings for her, but rather his lack of feelings and devotion to you. In this state it is just a matter of time before one or the other of you completely checks out and either does start cheating or just simply dissolves the marriage and walks away. You are not overreacting. You have a big problem here that needs immediate intervention or something really bad will happen soon. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 My husband got back from his trip home. It seems like he spent almost all of his time with this girl, even staying over at her house. He didn't try to communicate with me either. In the three days he was gone, he sent me one text even though we usually keep up text conversations all day. I'm sick of feeling like my feelings don't matter to him. As soon as we can, we will be getting divorced. I just can't take this anymore. I posted my last post before I saw you had updated this. I am very sorry but I do agree with your decision to start moving forward with the divorce. His level of disrespect and disregard for your feelings and for the sanctity of your marriage is pretty shocking. He is quite disengaged and at this point you have no reason to believe he will change his tune. He might wake up and try to turn a new leaf when he receives the papers but do you really want a husband that will only take you seriously when you file court papers on him????? By then you will have so much bitterness and hurt and resentment, I doubt if all the kings horses and all the kings men can make you want to even try to work things out. He really made his bed in this instance. I am sorry you are going through this :-( Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Have some pride. Divorce his sorry ass. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrie_o Posted June 10, 2014 Author Share Posted June 10, 2014 I can't divorce him for several months for legal reasons. We have two young kids and I have no family or close friends in the state so I really don't want to rush to divorce anyway. I'm considering this a probationary period until I'm able to file. Odds are that the day I'm able to, I'm going to file. However, if we are to make it work, what would you say the appropriate changes need to be? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 you are overreacting... firstly, he pushed the other girl away, which is good, regardless of the reason... he did that. Secondly, he was drunk when he said those things... he doesn't even remember what he said. If he is a good husband generally, why throw it away? You also have two young kids... You just have to tell him you come first and that you are not pleased when he puts his friends before you. Also, please tell him not to get so drunk he blacks out... that's really stupid... Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 (edited) Divorce. He is a douche. No matter what you do, any counseling you go to, this guy will not change. He is trouble and you are in for a lifetime of unhappiness. Edited June 15, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 My husband got back from his trip home. It seems like he spent almost all of his time with this girl, even staying over at her house. He didn't try to communicate with me either. In the three days he was gone, he sent me one text even though we usually keep up text conversations all day. I'm sick of feeling like my feelings don't matter to him. As soon as we can, we will be getting divorced. I just can't take this anymore. This is the healthiest decision you can make. Your husband is and has been treating you with such disrespect and like crap. I'm sorry you're hurting though. Link to post Share on other sites
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