What is up with his jealousy? Can someone enlighten me?

[Kelly M]

We have been friends for a year. His name is Dave. Dave though acts like he's my boyfriend in a weird way, he gets extremely jealous of other guys to the point where he'll mock them or get disgusted or mad. He asked if he could come over my friend Dana's house and I kindly told him he can't, and he looked upset. Then when we are in the car he seems to be kinda quiet, and I drove by a restaurant, and I said "I wonder if Derrik still works there?" He said "Derrik who?" I said "Oh I forget his last name, but he's friends with Tony A." He just sighed and looked at me with a disgusted look. Then he said moments later, "Hey my name is Dana and I am gonna suck some dick with my friend, and screw a bunch of dudes". I went out with this guy Jason one time and Dave literally mocked him and would talk smack on him, and then he said "Did you guys have sex?" I said "Why did he say we did or something?" He said "Yeah" I said "Well that's a lie! We didn't" He said "No he didn't say anything I was just seeing if you guys had sex" "Cause I was thinking back off Jason she's MY girl!" I was like "I am nobody's girl, ha!" He was just silent.

 

When we are out in public though he'll act like he's my boyfriend. Now what's weird about all of this is that he doesn't make an effort with me. Like he doesn't call or text me that much, I honestly haven't heard from him in 4 days. He will ask me out at times, but still. So that is what's so weird about it, is that he acts likes he's all in love with me and my boyfriend when he's with me, but then he doesn't contact me that much afterwards. Any idea why he acts this way? Why is he so jealous?

[todreaminblue]

self defense.....jealousy is self defense trying to throw off he i sactually maybe scared of losing you or he is hurt thinking about you with other guys ...... if you are his gf and he truly cares he doesnt want other guys around you all the time.....is there any particular reason he cant go to danas with you...woman to woman girls or women with quite a few male friends get hit on dont they......wuite a bit it depends on how forceful you are in letting guy"friends know" youarein a relationship and completely monogamous.....then see how many guy friends stick to you...most guys have a right to worry......thats honest.....you brign up a guys name to yrou bf he will have fleeting thoughts about whether you were intimate with them ....fact...honestly are you playing games when you mention a random guys name to him.....please dont be offended i am just asking...are you a young woman?...deb

[WhatYouWantToHear]

My guess is because you enjoy it.

 

The only reason he's your 'friend' is because you keep him around to feel better about yourself. The guy's a douche, but he's a douche in just the right way for you--he's jealous and wants you.

 

Who cares why he acts the way he does. The real question is-- are you just a bad person who enjoys teasing him or is your self-esteem so low that you need someone like him around you to feel better about yourself?

[todreaminblue]

re read your post.......he acts like your bf because he wants to be your bf ......i think you need to be honest with him and dont play games with a guys heart......be sweet .......be kind....be honest......dont play games

[Kelly M]

My guess is because you enjoy it.

 

The only reason he's your 'friend' is because you keep him around to feel better about yourself. The guy's a douche, but he's a douche in just the right way for you--he's jealous and wants you.

 

Who cares why he acts the way he does. The real question is-- are you just a bad person who enjoys teasing him or is your self-esteem so low that you need someone like him around you to feel better about yourself?

 

No I don't like to hurt him at all! I do get along with him! I guess I just don't take him seriously, cause he seems to be a player. I mean he had a secret relationship with a girl and he wouldn't tell me he was with her, and I found out that they were. So he's kinda sneaky, and I keep myself guarded. I don't like to hurt anyone though, I just understand his jealousy is all.

[Kelly M]

re read your post.......he acts like your bf because he wants to be your bf ......i think you need to be honest with him and dont play games with a guys heart......be sweet .......be kind....be honest......dont play games

 

I understand. I guess I just don't take him seriously. I don't play games with him, I just really don't know how to take him. If he wanted to be my boyfriend so badly then why doesn't he keep contact with me? Why does he only act like he's my boyfriend when I see him? Otherwise he doesn't contact me. Sometimes he'll send texts but I will be the one usually to send him a text. So that is what baffles me. He doesn't make an effort though to be my boyfriend, and doesn't gain my trust to further the relationship.

[mangetout]

Hmm. Strange behaviour..I am equally as stumped as you are.

 

 

Why don't you just ask him?

[Kelly M]

Hmm. Strange behaviour..I am equally as stumped as you are.

 

 

Why don't you just ask him?

 

I am afraid of the outcome. I don't want to ask, cause I don't know what his reaction will be. I am not saying that like he's a violent person or something, it's just I don't know if he realizes what he's doing or not, and if he does, then I don't want him to go all ballistic on me, cause I called him out on it, or get super worried that I caught him and he might be like all upset about it. Or he just might be normal about it, but considering his behavior now, I kinda don't want to take any chances, lol.

[bubblesbursted]

Hey Have you told him you dont like him or something like that? I am sure he will get it if you communicate with him honestly. I know you dont want to loose him so be kind and patient with him. I am sure it will work out!

[Chi townD]

REALLY?!?! You have no idea.....SERIOUSLY?!?!

 

This dude has a crush on you!

 

When he asked you if you had sex with that guy, if you would have said, "OH MY GOD! That boy has got some skills! I think I passed out two or three times and that dude has some staying power!" I speculate he would have looked sooo hurt! Like you just kicked his puppy.

 

Yeah, you need to address this. Because this guy is putting his personal life and any possible future relationships on hold because he's holding out on false hope on getting with you!

 

OR does he has a chance with you?

[Kelly M]

REALLY?!?! You have no idea.....SERIOUSLY?!?!

 

This dude has a crush on you!

 

When he asked you if you had sex with that guy, if you would have said, "OH MY GOD! That boy has got some skills! I think I passed out two or three times and that dude has some staying power!" I speculate he would have looked sooo hurt! Like you just kicked his puppy.

 

Yeah, you need to address this. Because this guy is putting his personal life and any possible future relationships on hold because he's holding out on false hope on getting with you!

 

OR does he has a chance with you?

 

 

I worded it wrong. It's not that I have no idea, like i'm completely clueless. It's just what I don't understand if he does like me so much, then why doesn't he make the effort? Like he doesn't call or text me that often. But yet he'll act like my boyfriend when he sees me. He'll act all jealous and weird about guys and just will act like my boyfriend in a weird way. Of course if I text him he would respond, but it's just the point that he acts like he's my boyfriend then why not ask me out and such?. I mean he will ask me out, but just not alot, so that makes me think he's not serious. But I could be wrong. He does have a chance with me, but I am a bit weary of him. Cause he had a secret relationship with a girl and wouldn't tell me about it, and then he finally came out and told me he was with her. But the whole time he kept denying it, and it made me think he's sneaky and I was a bit weary of him because of that. So I am just really guarded, but I like him so it's a difficult situation. Thanks.

Edited June 6, 2014 by Kelly M

[pteromom]

He just sighed and looked at me with a disgusted look. Then he said moments later, "Hey my name is Dana and I am gonna suck some dick with my friend, and screw a bunch of dudes".

 

It does sound like he has some feelings for you but I wouldn't pursue anything with him. This line I quoted above is a red flag. If he mocks you in such a disrespectful way as a friend, then having an argument with him in a relationship would be very painful - full of name-calling, insulting, and trying to tear you down.

 

I would just keep going out with other guys, and not worry about what this one wants. And if he keeps mocking and insulting everyone, just distance yourself from him. No need to surround yourself with his negativity.

[Keke1]

It does sound like he has some feelings for you but I wouldn't pursue anything with him. This line I quoted above is a red flag. If he mocks you in such a disrespectful way as a friend, then having an argument with him in a relationship would be very painful - full of name-calling, insulting, and trying to tear you down.

 

I would just keep going out with other guys, and not worry about what this one wants. And if he keeps mocking and insulting everyone, just distance yourself from him. No need to surround yourself with his negativity.

 

Sadly for the dude that likes you Pteromom is right. He is a clown for saying something like that. You'll find out if you get with him that emotionally he seems unstable.

[Kelly M]

It does sound like he has some feelings for you but I wouldn't pursue anything with him. This line I quoted above is a red flag. If he mocks you in such a disrespectful way as a friend, then having an argument with him in a relationship would be very painful - full of name-calling, insulting, and trying to tear you down.

 

I would just keep going out with other guys, and not worry about what this one wants. And if he keeps mocking and insulting everyone, just distance yourself from him. No need to surround yourself with his negativity.

 

I agree with you! But yeah he was insulting my friend Dana, when he doesn't even know her, well he was insulting me too cause he said "Hey i'm Dana, and me and my friend (which is me) are going to suck dick and screw dudes". He seems to assume that everytime I go out with someone that I am going to meet up with a guy or something? When me and my friend Dana were just going to hangout, but he's ridiculous. It's just odd to me cause if he likes me that much then why doesn't he contact me? He doesn't make much of an effort to text me or call me, so that is why I don't get it. Cause if you like someone you are going to call or text them alot, he does text me and call me but just not alot. I don't know. He is just odd and I'm sorry I still don't understand his jealousy. Thanks for your input.

[revelations]

Kelly M,

 

Please don't take this the wrong way, but to me it sounds like your in your late teens or early twenties. I say this just because of what your writing about and the other guys reactions and such. Okay let me explain this to you from a mans point of view. I have had girlfriends that were just friends, girlfriends with benefits (yes we were bumping uglies) and women I was in love with. Now any girlfriend or FWB type of thing I never really cared if they were seeing someone else. Truthfully in either situation they would often talk about past lovers or even guys they want to be lovers with and I did not think twice about it. However if I had a crush on them or an interest in becoming more than friends or FWB then discussions like their past lovers or who they want as a lover now would bother me. The reason is that if a guy has an interest in you, he usually does not want to think of some other guy enjoying you physically. Trust me most guys dream of having a virgin wife or lover that has all the skills of an escort that has been with over a thousand men. Yes I know, kind of an oxymoron however this is how most men are especially at that age.

 

So I would say that this guy probably has a crush on you at the very least. Usually a guy will not show any jealousy towards a woman that he has no interest in. In your case he is even going on the attack about your girlfriend. From what you describe about him running hot and cold like this, I would say he has a crush on you and probably does not want to have a crush on you. He might be afraid that if he confessed this crush to you, that you would just shoot him down and humiliate him. So when he is away from you, he can forget about you and even play the crush down in his mind. Once he is near you, then all those feelings come rushing back to him. At that age it is very rough on guys, since we normally don't know a damn thing about these emotions and certainly don't know how to handle them. This is were usually women can be either a big help or very cruel. Women in their late teens or early twenties usually have a better grasp on their emotions and know how to deal with them.

 

If your actually interested in this guy as more than just friends, maybe a lover then you may need to take the first step or two with him. Careful communication works wonders in this case. You may want to say something like "I like you as a friend and I want you to know that if you wanted to be more than friends I am very willing to explore that with you". Another way would be to make a small joke about it "Well damn with as jealous as you are you would think we are lovers". These are only suggestions for you if your wanting more with this guy. However if you do want this guy remember that you may have to put up with this for awhile until he matures a bit. It takes some time, however as long as your honest with him and communicate he should relax on the jealousy. Remember to ask him what his fears are and why he is jealous and then reassure him. Saying things like "I am with you because I want to be with you. Your the man that I want" can go a long ways. Also express to him your fears, let him know that you get jealous too and tell him how you deal with it. I will tell you that a lot of his actions has to do with him not understanding his emotions and lack of maturity. This does get better in time if he is willing to work on himself.

 

Now if you don't want to be more than friends with this guy you need to let him know. Now this does not mean be cruel to him, after all you can do this the right way and let him down gently. I would suggest doing this alone with him, however when he makes one of his jealous remarks I would retort with a joke of sorts. Maybe using "With as jealous as you act people will think that we are a couple". Then of course follow it up with something like this depending on what he says, "I am flattered that you would think of me that way. Your a sweet guy, however I think that we make better friends than we do lovers". The main thing is that if your going to let him down gently do it without pointing out his shortcomings. Always let him know that your very grateful to have him as a friend and that it makes you feel good that he wants you as more than a friend. Usually going the gentle route will work, however there are times it does not. In that case then you just have to be blunt. Again I would still avoid pointing out his shortcomings, however saying no way in hell should work.

 

Main thing to remember is that a guy at this age probably has a big fear of rejection. So if rejecting him do so one on one with him, never around others. You can reject someone kindly, there is no need to hurt them while doing this. I remember one woman in high school that rejected me by saying "Wow that is so sweet of you. My last two boyfriends I cheated on and their is no way I want to take a chance of hurting you like that. If your okay with it, I would prefer to be just friends with you". I did remain friends with that woman through high school and for a long time after. Just remember that a heart is a very fragile thing with a guy and they break easily. Women just like men have often used the statement of "I ruined him for all other women". Now their are two ways of making that statement true. One is that you could have ruined him for all other women because you were such a good lover and you treated him so well that he would have a difficult time finding an equal to you. That is the good way to make that statement true. Now the bad way is because you broke his heart to such a point that he finds it very difficult to trust even the most sincere women. So please remember to be gentle with his heart. Some of us guys may look very tough on the outside, however are hearts may not heal from the wounds that are inflicted on it.

[Kelly M]

Kelly M,

 

Please don't take this the wrong way, but to me it sounds like your in your late teens or early twenties. I say this just because of what your writing about and the other guys reactions and such. Okay let me explain this to you from a mans point of view. I have had girlfriends that were just friends, girlfriends with benefits (yes we were bumping uglies) and women I was in love with. Now any girlfriend or FWB type of thing I never really cared if they were seeing someone else. Truthfully in either situation they would often talk about past lovers or even guys they want to be lovers with and I did not think twice about it. However if I had a crush on them or an interest in becoming more than friends or FWB then discussions like their past lovers or who they want as a lover now would bother me. The reason is that if a guy has an interest in you, he usually does not want to think of some other guy enjoying you physically. Trust me most guys dream of having a virgin wife or lover that has all the skills of an escort that has been with over a thousand men. Yes I know, kind of an oxymoron however this is how most men are especially at that age.

 

So I would say that this guy probably has a crush on you at the very least. Usually a guy will not show any jealousy towards a woman that he has no interest in. In your case he is even going on the attack about your girlfriend. From what you describe about him running hot and cold like this, I would say he has a crush on you and probably does not want to have a crush on you. He might be afraid that if he confessed this crush to you, that you would just shoot him down and humiliate him. So when he is away from you, he can forget about you and even play the crush down in his mind. Once he is near you, then all those feelings come rushing back to him. At that age it is very rough on guys, since we normally don't know a damn thing about these emotions and certainly don't know how to handle them. This is were usually women can be either a big help or very cruel. Women in their late teens or early twenties usually have a better grasp on their emotions and know how to deal with them.

 

If your actually interested in this guy as more than just friends, maybe a lover then you may need to take the first step or two with him. Careful communication works wonders in this case. You may want to say something like "I like you as a friend and I want you to know that if you wanted to be more than friends I am very willing to explore that with you". Another way would be to make a small joke about it "Well damn with as jealous as you are you would think we are lovers". These are only suggestions for you if your wanting more with this guy. However if you do want this guy remember that you may have to put up with this for awhile until he matures a bit. It takes some time, however as long as your honest with him and communicate he should relax on the jealousy. Remember to ask him what his fears are and why he is jealous and then reassure him. Saying things like "I am with you because I want to be with you. Your the man that I want" can go a long ways. Also express to him your fears, let him know that you get jealous too and tell him how you deal with it. I will tell you that a lot of his actions has to do with him not understanding his emotions and lack of maturity. This does get better in time if he is willing to work on himself.

 

Now if you don't want to be more than friends with this guy you need to let him know. Now this does not mean be cruel to him, after all you can do this the right way and let him down gently. I would suggest doing this alone with him, however when he makes one of his jealous remarks I would retort with a joke of sorts. Maybe using "With as jealous as you act people will think that we are a couple". Then of course follow it up with something like this depending on what he says, "I am flattered that you would think of me that way. Your a sweet guy, however I think that we make better friends than we do lovers". The main thing is that if your going to let him down gently do it without pointing out his shortcomings. Always let him know that your very grateful to have him as a friend and that it makes you feel good that he wants you as more than a friend. Usually going the gentle route will work, however there are times it does not. In that case then you just have to be blunt. Again I would still avoid pointing out his shortcomings, however saying no way in hell should work.

 

Main thing to remember is that a guy at this age probably has a big fear of rejection. So if rejecting him do so one on one with him, never around others. You can reject someone kindly, there is no need to hurt them while doing this. I remember one woman in high school that rejected me by saying "Wow that is so sweet of you. My last two boyfriends I cheated on and their is no way I want to take a chance of hurting you like that. If your okay with it, I would prefer to be just friends with you". I did remain friends with that woman through high school and for a long time after. Just remember that a heart is a very fragile thing with a guy and they break easily. Women just like men have often used the statement of "I ruined him for all other women". Now their are two ways of making that statement true. One is that you could have ruined him for all other women because you were such a good lover and you treated him so well that he would have a difficult time finding an equal to you. That is the good way to make that statement true. Now the bad way is because you broke his heart to such a point that he finds it very difficult to trust even the most sincere women. So please remember to be gentle with his heart. Some of us guys may look very tough on the outside, however are hearts may not heal from the wounds that are inflicted on it.

 

Hi! Thank you so much for the reply! I am 22 years old and he is 26 years old. I understand what you're saying, but it's difficult cause I do like him more than a friend. But...I have trust issues with him. See he didn't tell me that he was in a relationship with a girl when he was trying to "Get with me" He would ask me if I wanted to makeout, or have sex with him when he was drunk. He always made tried to make sexual advances towards me and I would decline cause him and this other girl acted like they were dating all the time. He even had her up as his "Woman Crush Wednesday" on Instagram. They acted like boyfriend and girlfriend, and he kept denying it to me. I then didn't trust him cause he was trying to have sex with me while with this girl. Then he says he doesn't talk to her anymore (for the time being) And then it makes me think that I am just a rebound. So I have some trust issues with him that prevents me from going any further with him. But in the same breath I would love to be his girlfriend, but I don't trust him and I can't hop into a relationship with someone if I am just a rebound or if I have trust issues. It's hard to say. He has tried to date me, and everything. I rejected him on all offers. Cause he was secretly with this girl or something? I didn't know how to take it. I don't want to talk to him about it either, cause I don't know what the outcome will be and I don't want us to not be friends anymore. But thank you for the informative reply!

[preraph]

Honey, that guy is DISGUSTING. Drop him as a friend. He will always try to make it look like you are his girlfriend and ruin your social life. He's jealous of everyone because he has such low self-esteem that he doesn't think anyone would be with him unless he forced them not to leave and he'd do this by badmouthing all their friends, etc.

 

Why would you want to be around someone who says crap like that. He's just gross. Any other friend would be an improvement from that!!

[Kelly M]

Honey, that guy is DISGUSTING. Drop him as a friend. He will always try to make it look like you are his girlfriend and ruin your social life. He's jealous of everyone because he has such low self-esteem that he doesn't think anyone would be with him unless he forced them not to leave and he'd do this by badmouthing all their friends, etc.

 

Why would you want to be around someone who says crap like that. He's just gross. Any other friend would be an improvement from that!!

 

Yeah, I know...I just don't want to abandon him though, cause everyone else in his life has abandoned him, and I guess I am just trying to be a good friend. I know what he said about Dana was wrong, but I chalked it up to the fact that he has alot of issues, and I don't know...I don't want to be like everyone else that abandoned him. he isn't ridding me of a social life, cause I am still gonna do what I want to do, but I kinda worded it wrong. I know he likes me, but I guess that what i'm saying is I don't understand his outrageous jealousy when he doesn't make much of an effort with me anyways. Like he doesn't call or text me that much but yet he'll have outrageous jealousy and act like he's my boyfriend when he sees me. Cause in my opinion if he was serious about me he would make an effort and text me or call me alot, if he truly wanted to be my boyfriend somehow, so what I don't get is if he's not serious about me then why does he care who I go out with? I jsut don't get it. But I see what you mean. Thank you! I appreciate your input!

[stillafool]

You can't be a good friend to someone like him. Just drop him otherwise he will waste your time and prevent nice guys from getting to know you. Men that actually want a relationship. He is just using you as a crutch until he finds a girl he wants to commit to. Be strong and let him go.

[stillafool]

so what I don't get is if he's not serious about me then why does he care who I go out with? I jsut don't get it. But I see what you mean. Thank you! I appreciate your input!

 

It's because you are his crutch and he doesn't want another guy to take that away from him. Now ask yourself if you want to be a crutch.

[dory]

Chances are he had a screwed up childhood, and it's turned him into this mess.

 

He flip-flops like this because he's insanely insecure. He struggles with wanting affection while believing he doesn't deserve it, something he might've learned from a bad parent. He has abandonment issues because he craves very badly the love he didn't ever feel when he was younger, but pushes the boundaries of anyone who tries to get close to him until they run away screaming. Then he cries "everyone leaves me." Trust me, this is something he's done to himself.

 

Sadly, this sort of thing does not usually change without therapy, though there's a slim chance he will grow out of it when he's 30. The best thing for him is for you to be kind, but set boundaries. Be clear what kind of crap you will not put up with. BE CONSISTENT in enforcing your boundaries if you want to keep him in your life.

 

Personally, I wouldn't because these people are very draining.

[ExpatInItaly]

You can't be a good friend to someone like him. Just drop him otherwise he will waste your time and prevent nice guys from getting to know you. Men that actually want a relationship. He is just using you as a crutch until he finds a girl he wants to commit to. Be strong and let him go.

 

Nailed it. He isn't a friend; he's an immature and territorial ass. You don't "chalk up" offensive comments to "issues", OP. It's vile behaviour and he is an adult. Do you honestly believe he can't control his mouth? If this is the way he talks to you now, I can guarantee it will be much, much worse if you actually dated him. He's showing you red flags. Don't ignore them.

[Keke1]

Nailed it. He isn't a friend; he's an immature and territorial ass. You don't "chalk up" offensive comments to "issues", OP. It's vile behaviour and he is an adult. Do you honestly believe he can't control his mouth? If this is the way he talks to you now, I can guarantee it will be much, much worse if you actually dated him. He's showing you red flags. Don't ignore them.

 

I honestly think most think red flags are sort of a good thing. Makes it A-Ok

[Kelly M]

Nailed it. He isn't a friend; he's an immature and territorial ass. You don't "chalk up" offensive comments to "issues", OP. It's vile behaviour and he is an adult. Do you honestly believe he can't control his mouth? If this is the way he talks to you now, I can guarantee it will be much, much worse if you actually dated him. He's showing you red flags. Don't ignore them.

 

No I believe he can control his mouth, it's just I don't think he knows the severity of his words. I don't think he realizes that what he says isn't right. Nobody clearly normal would say any of that. I know douchebag guys and they still don't talk like how the way he talks. It's weird cause he is cool with me, but anytime when I say I am hanging with a friend or a guy he acts super jealous to the point where it's ridiculous. I am not going to date him just because of his behavior, it's putting me off. Thanks.

[Kelly M]

Chances are he had a screwed up childhood, and it's turned him into this mess.

 

He flip-flops like this because he's insanely insecure. He struggles with wanting affection while believing he doesn't deserve it, something he might've learned from a bad parent. He has abandonment issues because he craves very badly the love he didn't ever feel when he was younger, but pushes the boundaries of anyone who tries to get close to him until they run away screaming. Then he cries "everyone leaves me." Trust me, this is something he's done to himself.

 

Sadly, this sort of thing does not usually change without therapy, though there's a slim chance he will grow out of it when he's 30. The best thing for him is for you to be kind, but set boundaries. Be clear what kind of crap you will not put up with. BE CONSISTENT in enforcing your boundaries if you want to keep him in your life.

 

Personally, I wouldn't because these people are very draining.

 

dory, you hit the nail on the head! I agree with you, but I think I will just be a distant friend, or something. Thank you!