fishingirl Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Hi all, this is my first posting so bear with me... I was previously married for 10 years to a man who was really controlling, strict and abusive. He had certain expectations and things had to be done a certain way, if they weren't well.. don't want to get into all that.. anyway.. I just got remarried 5 months ago and my new husband is great! Hes not abusive, we get along great and laugh and all that... heres my issue.. i feel lost! My new husband has like no expectations of me it seems, he doesn't say anything if like household work doesn't get done or anything like that, the only thing he expects is my love... this is total opposite of what I am used to and I almost want to ask him to be stricter or have some expectations of me or something! I feel lost without someone having some control over me/our marriage. Is this normal to feel like this? How can I explain this to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Hi all, this is my first posting so bear with me... I was previously married for 10 years to a man who was really controlling, strict and abusive. He had certain expectations and things had to be done a certain way, if they weren't well.. don't want to get into all that.. anyway.. I just got remarried 5 months ago and my new husband is great! Hes not abusive, we get along great and laugh and all that... heres my issue.. i feel lost! My new husband has like no expectations of me it seems, he doesn't say anything if like household work doesn't get done or anything like that, the only thing he expects is my love... this is total opposite of what I am used to and I almost want to ask him to be stricter or have some expectations of me or something! I feel lost without someone having some control over me/our marriage. Is this normal to feel like this? How can I explain this to him? I'd suggest therapy. That advice gets thrown around a lot but you really do need to speak to a professional about how to overcome this need to be lead rather than take initiative on your own. I understand your previous husband was abusive and that's unfortunate, but he's out of the picture now and the dynamic you're seeking to have with this new husband is extremely unhealthy. You are an adult woman, you are free to set your own expectations and goals and you should. You don't need another adult to be "stricter" with you or have control over you unless you feel you genuinely lack the mental faculties to do so on your own. You are now in what appears to be a healthy marriage of equals where your husband puts your love as a priority. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Hi all, this is my first posting so bear with me... I was previously married for 10 years to a man who was really controlling, strict and abusive. He had certain expectations and things had to be done a certain way, if they weren't well.. don't want to get into all that.. anyway.. I just got remarried 5 months ago and my new husband is great! Hes not abusive, we get along great and laugh and all that... heres my issue.. i feel lost! My new husband has like no expectations of me it seems, he doesn't say anything if like household work doesn't get done or anything like that, the only thing he expects is my love... this is total opposite of what I am used to and I almost want to ask him to be stricter or have some expectations of me or something! I feel lost without someone having some control over me/our marriage. Is this normal to feel like this? How can I explain this to him? You two are partners, not parents to one another. Your marriage is new and neither of you are at the point of nagging (yet)... Don't worry, it'll happen eventually. In the meantime, just enjoy your husband and try to make yourself accountable of how your house looks. If it bothers you, clean or do the dishes. This is your issue, not his. Though I do think you should let him know that you still carry some scars and insecurities from your previous marriage. Did you ever seek counseling after you and your 1st husband divorced? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fishingirl Posted June 6, 2014 Author Share Posted June 6, 2014 I haven't gotten any real help from issues with my past marriage, just a few meetings with our state family violence project when I was getting away from him. I guess it will also take time to learn. My father always had expectations of course and then so did my first husband and they were very similar in a lot of ways, so I guess I expected my new husband to also. I don't think I know what is normal for a marriage. lol @ the nagging part, so far we haven't had any fights or nagging as I do what needs to be done to take care of the house and cook and all the housewife stuff while he works. I just found it odd that I am not being told what must be done before hes home, it worries me I might not be pleasing him if I do not know what it is he wants, weather it be the house cleaning, the meal being made for dinner etc. But so far he has seemed to have no issues, but if a man does will they normally bring them up to you? I do not know what a "normal" man would or would not do after how things were with my ex. Thanks for any more advice! Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Every person is an individual. Not all men want the same things. I also suggest therapy so that you don't fall into old patterns with your new husband. Your old marriage failed for a reason right? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 This is what a healthy relationship should look like. What you had before was very unhealthy. IT might take some adjusting but this way is better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 I'll say from my experience that "normal" - by which I mean non-abusive or controlling - men don't set expectations from teh start. They don't tell you what they want and expect you to follow it. They see what you do and then between you, you negotiate to find a compromise in the middle. It's clear from what you wrote that you have had a pattern of relationships from your father to your first husband, and so of course what you think is "normal" is not actually typical. It's just been your experience. It will take you time to learn a new way. In the meantime, if you're worried that you're not pleasing him, why not sit down and talka bout expectations - on both your sides! What does he expect in terms of housework? What do you expect in terms of being 'taken care on'? Sounds like you too might have some expectations for his behaviour that he's not likely to meet as he's so different from your first husband. Be helpful for you to articulate them to him, if only to get them on the table so he can dispel them for you. Communication is key here. All in all though, it sounds like you've landed in a much healthier relationship. Good for you. Congratulations. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 OP, you might want to look into Domestic Discipline or a Dominant/Submissive relationship. It might prove interesting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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